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In-laws lie or indifference

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ppriya182010, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. Nov 29, 2012 #1
    ppriya182010

    ppriya182010 Gold IL'ite

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    I had love-arranged marriage 5 yrs back, have a DD 3 yrs. Never had a good relationship with in-laws. Ever since marriage, due to in-law issues, DH and I have had a lot of fights,arguments,misunderstanding. At one point, I decided I will live my life and don't bother with them. Now all I have is a weird civil relationship where my DH will call them from home once every 4-5 months and I will talk for the sake of talking. DH talks to them everyday and I don't care. I don't even call them as "my in-laws", refer them as "DH's parents".

    My DH's granddad (dad's dad) passed away few days back. Per Hindu tradition, we follow certain rituals, like not going to temple, poojas, not attending good/bad, etc for few days. We adhered to it and when I spoke to DH's dad, he said its all over in 12 days. So we started attending some poojas after that day. Today I came to know thru my parents that they had more ritual for another 2 months. They said it as a reason for not visiting my mom (my mom went thru a surgery recently). We have planned to attend some more pooja and temple. Now my parents fear that it will affect us if we don't follow proper rituals.

    I am not sure if they are telling lies to avoid visiting my mom. They are pretty good at lies, dramas, emotional blackmail, etc. I am just pissed, as this is something sensitive that they shouldn't be telling lies about or if true, they should have communicated to us properly. Its like they just don't care if something bad happens to us.

    Is it a good idea to confront them about it? I don't want to put my parents in trouble.
     
    ppriya182010, Nov 29, 2012
    ppriya182010, Nov 29, 2012
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  2. Nov 29, 2012 #2
    justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    And yet ....
    You expect them to visit ur mom? May I know why? They are not obligated to if that is the relation u have with ur PIL. Infact I think they are actually being polite and its one of those white lies....so as to not aggravate a situation. (Assuming that they are indeed lying...which I dont think they are read below).


    Whoa whoa lets hold it right there....this is an assumption on ur mothers part. Each family has its own beliefs and rituals and ur mothers need not match ur PILs and they certainly are not responsible for assumptions made and you are very quick at believing the worst about ur PIL arent u?

    FYI.....
    For every deceased person...the rituals are year long first 13 days then once each month until the first death anniv.
    But that is for the immediate rels...ur FIL and MIL ...and thats the reason they dont go out or do poojas or attend functions. Ur husband is one level removed and he needs to stay away from temples and poojas until only the first 13 days. More correctly as ur PIL pointed out... 12 days and the 13 th day it ends.
    And what exactly would the 'confrontation' be ?
     
    justanothergirl, Nov 29, 2012
    justanothergirl, Nov 29, 2012
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  3. Nov 29, 2012 #3
    tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I believe God is above all this rituals thing. He is not insane! God is just like mom and dad for you. So if you do something unknowingly, He will not punish you!

    Ignore your inlaws big time and get on with your life....
     
    tulipzz, Nov 29, 2012
    tulipzz, Nov 29, 2012
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  4. Nov 29, 2012 #4
    ppriya182010

    ppriya182010 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Tulipz. So far we did unknowingly. But now that I know, I am not sure whether to go to temple for fren's pooja or not. Thats what I wanted to ask them.

    JustAnotherGirl, I didn't tell my entire story. My in-laws totally shattered my relationship between me and DH and thats the reason I keep a distance from them now. I never said I won't talk to them. My DH never asks me to talk frequently b'coz he realised if I talk, it will lead to our fighting.
    But my parents have always been good with them, visiting them when they were sick. In-laws see so much ego and come up with silly excuse to not reciprocate it. Also they left to MIL's relative place immediately after 3 days (which obviously is against rituals).

    Maybe I used the wrong word "confront". I meant should I ask them now about why they didn't communicate it to us about the extended ritual. Per your say, if it doesn't apply to DH, being one level removed, we were asked by them not even to do Deepams in the house.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2012
    ppriya182010, Nov 29, 2012
    ppriya182010, Nov 29, 2012
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  5. Nov 29, 2012 #5
    justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Priya There a two issues in ur second post.
    1.Rituals and customs in most hindu homes vary quite a bit. There is no one 'right' way. What I wrote is what I know which could very vastly diff from what ur PIL follow..same goes with ur parents. Give them benefit of doubt. If they have not asked u to follow extended rituals ....then I suggest let it go. Dont fret about it.
    If it still bothers you...ask them politely .." Is there anything I should be doing too? Is it ok to go to temples "..Try not to sound like u are questioning their integrity.

    2. Its very nice of ur parents to continue to maintain cordial relationship with them ...but its not realistic to expect ur PIL to have a pleasant-relationship with ur parents when the relationship between u and them is sour.
     
    justanothergirl, Nov 29, 2012
    justanothergirl, Nov 29, 2012
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  6. Nov 29, 2012 #6
    kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    As for as I know, people who belong to the family ie., who share the same surname do not light deepam for 10 days. And they have to visit mother's side family to eat at their place once. And I think this is to ensure their support in future.

    But anyway, since ,you ppl live so far away they may not want to trouble you too much with these things.
     
    kma, Nov 29, 2012
    kma, Nov 29, 2012
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  7. Nov 29, 2012 #7
    hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Look priya, you yourself admit that you dont know enough about rituals, thats why you are confused, so how do you know that this is "obviously against rituals", it could be a part of the ritual too !!!

    Usually when a man's relative passes away, the women's side relatives will take them to their house for food and rest and peace for a few days !!!

    Also, yes, it is a whole year for your inlaws, actually if you were staying with them, you shouldnt be attending temples and conducting poojas for a whole year... Actually you should not celebrate diwali and other festivals and poojas this whole year, but since you live separately, your inlaws have allowed you to go to temples and attend friends poojas, so it is ok for you, doesnt mean that they are being callous !!!
    Dont be blindly superstitious, understand the ritual and why we follow it and dont get scared of nothing :)

    The fact that they told your mom they couldnt visit means they at least "called" her in spite of their difficult times!!!
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2012
    hrastro, Nov 29, 2012
    hrastro, Nov 29, 2012
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  8. Nov 29, 2012 #8
    hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    I am shocked at the total cluelessness you display regarding rituals !!!

    I think you better not "confront", but have a nice long chat with your MIL (with a pen and notepad) regarding all this stuff and whats and what nots... and also the whys because you will need to know something to pass on to your kids :)

    Dont take me the wrong way, but the story is the same with most of our generation and the next :)

    Jag, sorry to disagree, but her DH is NOT one level removed he is a direct descendent (son's son), if he was the deceased daughter's son, then it is one level removed and they have different rules!!!

     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2012
    hrastro, Nov 29, 2012
    hrastro, Nov 29, 2012
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