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in-laws here for long visit in US - help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by deeku, Jan 29, 2008.

  1. deeku

    deeku New IL'ite

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    My in-laws are here visiting for the past 4 months and will be here until they get green card, which may take upto a year. I am a stay-at-home mom to a one year old boy. I had a very difficult time conceiving and the baby was born prematurely and requires a lot of care, so the past year has been very stressful for me. I hardly get to sleep enough and whole day revolves around the baby and feeding the baby becoz of baby having weight issues and being a picky eater. On top of this doing all the housework:- cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I hardly go out of the house and I dont have any friends or relatives nearby who I can talk to or spend some time. Since my in-laws are here, I feel worse than before. It is work all day long, no privacy and no freedom in my own home. I feel frustated and trapped, and starting to feel sad and depressed all the time. My fil is a complaining type, who wants proper meals 3 times a day and more, always offering advice and not stopping until I do what he wants. My mil helps minimally - she will chop vegetables etc and sometimes do the dishes. She is always comparing what I have in my kitchen with what my sister-in-law (husbands younger brothers wife who live nearby) has and pushes me to buy that even if I dont want it. She is always talking about sil, what she and how she does, etc. They spent about 3 weeks at her home - that is when I got some break. The only time I get to spend with my husband is about an hour after dinner, before I need to feed my son, even that time they will not leave ua alone. I have not watched TV shows or movies that I like since many months becoz mil watches TV whenever I want to. On weekends, ny husband takes them out shopping or just for fun a change, but I cannot go becoz of the baby's feeding schedule. I dread getting up in the morning everyday and seeing their faces.
    What should I do? Please help me.
     
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  2. Amicable

    Amicable Senior IL'ite

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    Hi...

    Try to talk to your husband and convience him that his parents can stay with his brother's house sometime. So, that you can get more time for kid, as already your baby needs you more due to his health. Tell him that you are not feeling well also, so there is nobody to help her. If your husband understand that fine, otherwise leave india for couple of months. Don't get to emotional that who is going to look after the house and your husband etc.. If he doesn't understand your pain, then let him live with his parents and you go back to your parents and rest. It might give you some change and you can also look after your baby. Your baby is more important than anything.

    Hopefully, other IL's will give you more advice how to handle such situation. Good luck.
     
  3. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    Hi deeku, First all congrats on becoming a mom!!! You will have alot of support HERE. I know how you feel, no privacy, no freedom, no time for anything. When my il;s come to visit, its the same. They also compare and complain what i am doing, not doing to their daughter etc.etc. This will never change, The only think you can change is how you handle, this and look at the situation. I also had premature baby (just one month), so i know how much work you have to do. Can your il;s help with baby while you get rest, or go out for a bit? once your husb comes home from work, can he feed baby? When he goes out on weeked, maybe you can join him with the baby, but make it short trips. Try to keep postive thoughts for you and your little one. take care of yourself your baby needs you.
    Sash:hatsoff
     
  4. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Deeku

    Why is it not possible for them to go spend some time with your husband's brother since anyway your MIL is always praising your SIL? Let them go there and stay there since she likes your SIL so much.:queen Will give you too some solace,isn't it?

    Another thing is your child is one yr old now,he must be onto normal eating habits by now. So,plan a little in advance and prepare some food for him and take it along with you during weekend outings.Let it be finger foods which you can feed easily and things that he likes.He may or may not eat his normal quantity of food this time,but don't worry.Nothing will happen if children don't eat once in a while. Even if he has some milk or juice to fill him up,that will do.Don't think that you cannot go because of your child's eating schedule.All of us go thru' this stage and we will eventually realise that the sky is not going to fall just because our child did not have food once.Just think this way. When a child falls sick,he or she doesn't eat or drink much,sometimes for 2-3 days and still they turn out to be hale and hearty at the end of it all.So,just because your child misses one meal,it will not do any harm.

    Cheer up ....forget your mil ,let her do what she wants...you have a life to lead..don't give up!!
     
  5. deeku

    deeku New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your feedback.

    Amicable, my husband knows about this but he will not do anything. I was also thinking of going to visit my parents for few days, but I am waiting for the baby to be a little older. I am sure my husband will not let me go alone but I will have to fight.

    Sashie, my in-laws play with the baby while I do all the work. If I rest then who will do all the work? My son is used to my feeding him only, will not eat from anybody else. Yes, I have tried short trips - they become very hectic and it upsets the baby's schedule.

    Sunitha, my sister-in-law is working full time so they say what will they do home alone all day. Also, they want to be with the baby.

    I feel like I am caught somewhere and there is no escape.
     
  6. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear deeku,
    i too faced same problem .my mil came to help me when the baby was 3 mths old.all of sudden everything i was doing for the baby turned out to be wrong.though she is good lady ,but who wants nagging over all issuses.i ended up having post natal depression .
    as sunitha said take some food for the baby & go to some park.get away from house atleast 1 hour daily.it really works.i used to go for morning walk which she strongly disapproved as it was very cold in north india that time but it helped me to keep sane.
    also,start planning to visit ur plans.all the pampering u will get with ur parents will help soothe ur nerves.its better to plan ur visit now when u really need it rather then wait for the baby to grow little more.also ,as the baby is only 1 yr old he will sleep most of the time of journry & will be easy to manage.
    take care
    pragati
     
  7. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Deeku,

    I agree with the advice given by others here that you need to get out of the house.

    If possible, please ease out your schedule pertaining to the baby. Since I don’t know what your little ones’ health is like, I cannot say what you can let go of. But as a general tip from a Mom of two young kids, I can tell you that we are a little too hard on ourselves when it comes to mommy duties. Of course every mom wants to do the best for their kid, but if we cannot keep our sanity in the process we are doing great disservice to the kid. So please give your own sanity a great deal of importance.

    Try to go out with your hubby for at least one outing even if it means it is with the in-laws. Make it a short one if you are not comfortable going for long hours due to your kid’s feeding schedule. Don’t excuse yourself from spending this time as a family. If you don’t go with them, they have nothing to lose. You are the one feeling left out. It is your family, so be a part of their fun things too.

    As for your mil constantly talking about your sil, ignore it as much as possible. That is the best way. Change the topic as soon as she starts off or turn on some music and keep humming so she does not get much chance to keep going on and on. Sometimes listen to her but ignore, other times when you see yourself running out of patience just avoid her talk by tending to your kid or things I suggested above.

    About the rest of the day, here’s one suggestion. How about having a plan for the day? Have a schedule for your entire day until your husband comes home. And let everyone at home know this is what your day is going to be like.

    I feel having a “published” schedule helps a lot in setting the right expectations without making people feel like you are slacking off or doing something completely out of line.

    A rough timetable could look something like that –
    1. Make and eat breakfast.
    2. Finish up personal morning chores like shower etc. In this time, your in-laws can be playing with/looking after the kid.
    3. Go with or without the kid for some outside work 2-3 times a week. Make it quick if you like, but do make a trip outside. May be a small grocery trip, or swinging by the library, or going to the post office, any other work you can think of.
    As an aside, you could find activities for your kid at the near by library and go to the library on those days. Or acquaint yourself with other moms and set up a play date with them may be once in 10 days or more frequently.
    4. Prepare lunch. Again, in-laws would be with the kid at this time.
    5. When your kid takes a nap, do something for yourself. Do not hurry to finish chores in that time. I know there are many chores staring at you in the eye, but resist the temptation to attend to them.
    Read a book, take a nap, talk to a friend, paint your nails, apply a face pack, exercise, watch a show, anything that relaxes you.
    For the TV time clash, let everyone at home know that there is this one show (or two shows, whichever may be the case) you’d like to watch and make it a point to watch it. If there is a clash with the shows your in-laws watch then tell them nicely that you’d really like to watch so and so show so can they watch the re-run of their show or can you record it for them so they can watch it while you are cooking. Something like that.
    6. Once kid is up after nap, your duty begins again.
    7. Let your mil prepare the evening tea if possible.
    8. 2-3 days of the week ask your husband to pick up something for dinner on his way back home. Or you two can go pick up something after he is back. Use these evenings to give yourself a break, chitchat with the family, spend some nice stress-free time with hubby etc.

    Deeku, only you can give yourself a break. Ask for it and make it happen. Even a little change in your otherwise mundane routine will make a huge difference. Don’t feel helpless. Soon your kid will become more manageable which means you will have more flexibility to do things you like. Create opportunity if you don’t see any. Keep yourself happy.

    Good luck.
    SS
     

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