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In Laws Call Every Night During Initimate Moments.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by thegirlygirl, Jul 7, 2022.

  1. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello ladies,

    A little insight into the problem.

    We are a newly married couple, married 6 months ago. We live in Canada while his parents and family live in India.

    Before we got married, his mother was apparently into the habit of calling her son everyday. She would call during her early morning which would be his night, around 9 pm. This seems ok considering he was living alone in the city and she would probably call to ensure he has reached home safely.

    Unfortunately she still continues to do the same in spite of the fact that he is now a married man. He comes late from work mostly 10 pm or sometimes even after that.
    We sit, talk a bit, have coffee or have dinner. Then the phone rings, his mother. She starts chatting with him, then even asks about my whereabouts too. He soon puts the phone on speaker and I am forced to speak a few words with her.
    This lady continues to talk endlessly, we have to tell her ok by ok bye, only then does she budge and puts the phone down.
    This is in addition to the video call we have to have with the entire family every weekend. The two of us, his parents, my BIL and my cosister. We are to sit on the couch in front of the camera and talk endlessly for one hour atleast about useless things then say bye. This happens during the daytime for us which is night time for them. So they are done with their days activity while we have just started our day, but we have to put everything aside and talk to them endlessly. Not to forget that even on the nights of those days that we have video calls she calls to ensure that her baby is alive and kicking.

    It has annoyed me from the start but now it is getting in the way for me. Last night hubby asked me to go with him to the bedroom so that we cuddle a little before going to sleep. I had household chores to do but agreed to go in and come back later to finish the chores after he had slept. Immediadetly he realised he hasn't called his parents. So he called while we had just got into bed and talked, they asked about me and he was about to put the phone on speaker but i said no. I laid in bed for a few seconds after their call and then walked out of the room. The mood was killed.

    The same thing happened a few weeks back. We were already in the middle of it. His phone started ringing. We both ignored it and continued. After 10 minutes or so it rang again. We could not ignore it this time since it was annoying. He spoke on the phone. After that we turned to our sides and slept off. The mood again was killed.

    The son is cool with it. It does not seems to affect. He thinks it is his bonafide duty to call his folks every night and let them know of his well being.

    Last year this time we were living in different countries, still virtually engaged and communicating virtually. It is at this time exactly and even this day that she had almost broken off our alliance by butting in unecessarily and creating misunderstandings between us. We got back togther by talking it out with each other and giving the relationship another chance.
    I don't know why she thinks she is the prefect/monitor of our relationship. We must report to her on our relationship status also about what we do in our daily lives.

    Please share your ideas on how to handle the above situation. Just for your knowledge, I don't know if this information is necessary here, we haven't really consumated our marriage yet. It has been mutual, we never wanted to rush into it and now also this nusance. There was just once when he took me to niagrea to spend a weekend but again he kept calling his brother on video call and also his cousin so the mood anyway was not very romantic on that weekend.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2022
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you think your MIL knows that the marriage has not been really consummated yet? Has this been discussed in calls when you are there? Is it likely that your husband talks about this with his mother when you are not around?

    The answers to the above will matter in how you start communicating to husband the need for uninterrupted private time and how to set some boundaries for phone calls timing and duration. Obviously, you don't want to alienate your husband while doing this.
     
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  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    what does your spouse has to talk every night. my dh calls his mum once in 2 weeks and talks max 15mins. he says he has nothing else to ask, other than how is she doing in health. which he does in whatsapp now and then.

    infact i call his mum more than him.

    this is the time he should be spending with you a lot. may be ask him to call earlier and not before bed time.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Yikes!
    Time to cut the apron strings. Talk with your DH about tapering down the daily calls. If he wants to do a big video chat on weekends then say hello and move about your day. You need to establish healthy boundaries now or it will only get worse with time.
    Any particular reason you’re still waiting to do the deed?
     
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  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @thegirlygirl,

    Married 6 months and not consummated? The problem is not your MiL. If both of you wanted to, you would have found time. You need to have a frank discussion with your DH.

    MiL's phone calls are not a good reason for celibacy. The phone issue is easily solved. Make a strict rule about no phones in the bedroom. Or no calls after 10pm. Or whatever works for both of you. The best time to set boundaries is while the marriage is still new.
    .
     
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  6. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Put his phone on silent mode and keep it under sofa cushion so that when it rings he doesn't notice the light coming nor feels the vibration and enjoy your time with him. :grinning::grinning:
    Just kidding with above statement.
    You can convey it in a number of ways to your husband. What you choose depends on what kind of rapport you developed with him these 6m.

    1) Just tell him diplomatically that "Hey can we finish the call with your parents before we head to our bedroom"
    2) if the call doesn't happen and you head to the room and he initiates the cuddle use sarcasm to tell something like "Anyway the mood gets killed with a call in between" . I would use a silly lovely tone to convey here. So that he isn't offended at the same time you convey the discomfort.
    3) Have a direct conversation that the phone call is disturbing in the middle and if he can choose a different time to have a family phone time.

    OP are you waiting for any special Muhurtham to consummate the marriage? :blush::blush:
    My suggestion : Don't wait for the perfect bedtime. Utilise the peak love you experience during initial year of marriage to romance anywhere n everywhere. Kitchen, Living room sofa for that matter any corner in the house should do. :) Just enjoy and do not wait for a perfect moment.
     
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  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I understand your predicament but have you clearly communicated with your hubby about this?

    Don't start an argument with him but tell him softly about how it is not right.Try to get phone calls early and even video calls maybe once in 2 weeks.
     
    madhat likes this.
  8. preethignan

    preethignan Silver IL'ite

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    I also speak to my mom daily once. . My cousin calls his parents four times a day.I myself don't know what will they talk. Speaking daily isn't a pbm but the duration matters very much. If your hubby wants to speak to her he can very well do it on his way to the office not when he is with you. He should be clear to communicate this with them. The thing is daily calls isn't a pbm but it shouldn't go overboard. Parents also should know where to draw the line. They should themselves give space to their children. I don't know why parents don't let go of their kids sons mostly . My husband hardly speaks to his parents. They call me only if they need to convey something to him. I speak a lot to them.
     
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  9. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    How about you take the initiative and call your mil in the morning. In the evening you can tell your husband that you spoke with his mom with all the info. Initially his mom may call in the night but you grab the phone and talk fully to your mil and keep the phone down quickly. That way you have the control on the amount of talk rather than leaving the talk to your husband and his mom.

    Sometimes you need to take control if it goes over the limits. You may want to put the phone on silent in the night and stow it away. Try using the Digital wellness feature in the phone which will stop all ringing after the set time until the set time in the morning. I have my phone set that way.

    I hope this idea helps. Good Luck.
     
  10. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your replies, I read each one of them.
    I was so frustrated that day that I engaged him on the matter that night itself.
    Thankfully he took the matter cooly and we agreed that he should finish off the phone business in the sitting room before heading into the bedroom and phone calls from either parents should not be entertained in the bedroom.

    For those of you asking why we don't finish the phone business before hitting the bed, here it is
    We actually do that but sometimes we they do not answert the call and we leave a messege that everything is ok. But they disregard the messege and still call later and insist to say goodnight to us both while we are laying in bed as if we are brothers and sisters wishing our parents goodnight wishes and kisses.

    On the night that I discussed this with my husband this happened too. We called them before going off to bed, they didn't answer and we left a messege. But he put the phone on vibrator and soon after we got into bed, it started vibrating but we both ignored it.

    His mother is very nosy, she inquires everything that we do here on a daily basis. She must get a daily report from her son about what I have cooked, what we do etc. She is sitting there in India but her mind is constantly here.

    Let's see now how well it works
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2022

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