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In Laws Being Too Good To Co Sister In Law & Trying To Portray U Bad

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by amulya2020, May 15, 2022.

  1. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I have this direct question in case if anyone don’t want go through this below over view I have given for your basic understanding of what my concern is. “How to deal with in laws who are mean to you but behave very good and have cordial relation with co sister in law. They might be wantedly behaving this way to make us feel bad, hurt or it just might be my feeling as well to fell little jealous. I can put a lot of things here, which can fill almost 20 pages but I’m trying to keep it short as much as possible.


    So I have come from a big family, where daughter in laws are received well and made feel comfortable ( by being jovial and make sure they are not mistreated) and spl. With the responsibility, gradually they had an option to openly say whatever they feel ( even in satirical way where in every families usually happen). I have inspiration from some of strong ladies, are all rounders and handle everything with ease.

    When I got married, I wanted to be that perfect daughter in law and be that good new family member. But before marriage itself there was little mis understanding between my mother(sensitive) and mother in law (egoistic and dominating). They made some hurtful comments on dowry we gave( not much dowry given even though wholesome amount was given) . My mom became upset in front of MIL . My MIL ego hurted, started behaving with full attitude which later has not left a single opportunity to humiliate my parents. Even by creating some issues and making drama. Now after marriage my husband stayed in another place due to work. Right after marriage I had to stay at my MiL house for couple of months. From there it started, I used to go to work( very hectic and used to feel tired ). She used to be very serious 24/7, used to hurt a lot with her harsh language or degrade. Regular things are understandable but used to put remarks on my character making false allegations that I have a eye on Jwelers, sarees. I listen what she talks to others or her daughter. Arre I don’t have minute to relax( work at office and then work at home), why I even bother about these pity things. Her way of thinking was completely different from normal people, in regular conversation she literally finds or makes up 100 things.

    If I wake up 5 min late than usual or do any work late , I used to literally shivered. What ever topic starts it always ends blaming my parents and giving lectures for hours. I used to not have a chance even to say no that I did not do it or that’s not my intension. Even saying that she used to say like, you are talking against me, how dare you kind off


    They didn’t even leave me during my pregnancy. Hurted my emotions, with words, actions gave me lot of stress during the time where care and support is given. Right after delivery this time even bigger clashes between my husband, in-laws and parents. Humiliated them, made them suffer in front of me. Where I did have strength to bare the pressure or stress. By gods grace, due to some families intervention, the direct torture has reduced. The way they behaved from 96% reduced to 62%. With all these I didn’t have good opinion or interest on my in laws or family.

    I used to feel sad to my myself and used to think may be they will realize their mistake once next daughter in law comes because no one can deal with their humiliations and ill words and behavior. But in contrast, May be with all the experience they learnt from my case and my brother in law not being financially independent. In the fear of losing her, my in laws in fact are being lot better with her. There are not much issues created her and being good with her mostly ( my brother in law being little caring too).

    The thing is they are giving show off and trying little avoid us or started blaming and giving names to us. Which has increased lately. The other reason being we stay abroad, no one earning in my husband family except my husband. There are always quarrels and discussions about money. My husband also feel like they are bothered about money but no concern about my husband or us. They might be thinking their younger son and daughter-in-law takes care of us and why to importance to us, instead make us piss off and portray us bad and give the all their money to younger one. This is making me feel bad and jealous some times. If they want to make some decision, why to portray us bad and do all drama. Thinking that why I have suffered being good . Nothing happens to those who are rude and mean or show attitude from beginning.

    Sometimes I feel it was like always I listened to their blames, defend my self, leave it and talk normally. Is this what making them to always dominate me and giving troubles from there end. I reverse if I have only created problems and do regular DIL quarrels with them they would have been not in this stage taking advantage of patience and silence all the time.

    Now the question is how to deal with all these negative emotions. TBH I thought karma will teach them but somewhere I’m not calm down with these new changes and at the same time I’m feeling am I losing the relations? How to deal with it, that is be good but still establish boundaries.
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Isn’t good they have something else to focus on ? Just let them go of your life .
     
  3. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Any one else faced similar situation and did you deal with it ?
     
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Not direct experience. But i have a friend who is the younger DIL of a joint family consisting of MIL, FIL, elder son and wife, younger son and wife(my friend) and both couples have 1 kid each. Here the equation is like the elder DIL is housewife while younger DIL is working. Both co-sisters remain cordial to each other and the elder co-sis infact takes care of kid of younger DIL while she goes to work.
    Elder son works but not earns much. Entire household expenses of this joint family is taken care by younger son alone while my friend pays for the house emi where all of them are living!

    Despite the financial burden taken care of by my friend (younger dil) and her husband, the MIL def treats the elder DIL better. Don't know the internal dynamics as I prefer not involving in anyones personal life too much unless they wanna share it themselves but my friend does mention sometimes that elder DIL will talk back to MIL so MIL can't show her anger on her elder DIL n tries to be cordial with her more.
    My friend sometimes does feel used as her husband pays for everything at home for 7members while she pays for home loans and MIL still taunts my friend for not cooking or doing work which she told her to do.

    What my friend does is she just vents out to us n then she makes peace with it and carries on with her routine. She doesn't ever talk back to MIL n says as long as she doesnt cross her limits or be abusive or something, its better to ignore all these and pick your battles which actually matter in the long run.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    The best way to deal with it is by 'not dealing with it'. Consider that you are lucky enough to escape and live abroad. So focus on your marriage/ family, strengthen your bond with H and enjoy your life.

    Just maintain a formal relationship, hi- bye with them. Dont share your life or details or explain or defend yourself. Be careful if you talk over phone. Talk only positive aspects. Always hold your head high and keep your standard, you dont have to mirror their actions.

    If she criticize you in person ( when you are with her), dont show her you are affected and go on with your life. Do what you want to do even if she complains or you feel its baseless. Be true to yourself.

    Confronting inlaws is a bad idea as it will lead to more drama. But if she is verbally abusive, tell her directly that' you should not talk to me like this' or some thing like this in cold soft tone. Dont stay there to watch her reaction. Repeat it whenever she do it. But best way is ignore her to core as if you are deaf, give a blank look like ' oh again' , do what she asked her not to do, but you love doing it and carry on with your life. You should not give any reaction. You should give the impression that you will reply, do things etc only if she talks normally in a respectable way.( this may not be applicable now as you are not living with her). But if there is any good point from her side, appreciate and consider it.

    But you are giving her what she wants, the impression that her outbursts have some effect on you. You have to take that control away from her. She is not going to change her behavior. So it's better to change your response. Be very careful while you talk to her. Talk only about neutral topics. Let your H manage his parents or his side of the family.

    It will be better if you dont waste and time thinking about them. But, be who you are and do good thing if needed. You know yourself better. So forgive yourself and move on with your life. Its not easy, but possible.

    If some other relative bring this to you, dont blame your inlaws to them. Just say 'old people, let them do what they want'. Otherwise these people continue this vicious cycle. Also, believe that their(MILs) double standard on DILs has nothing to do with you, its about them.

    So, divert your attention and do something useful for your life. Its better to keep toxic people outside of our mind and life as much as possible. Cheer up.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2022
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  6. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    My husband feels the same way, being used. Yes, I’m trying to focus on things that needs much attention. But if they want to be good with one of their son and wife. That’s good, I have no issues but in order to get into the good books of one you shouldn’t be degrading others right.

    when they have quarrels in financial matters, my FIL is wantedly dragging me in between and blaming me as well. Where I was involved in those discussions even though I’m working too. I totally get the point but just wanted to vent out and see if any alternate suggestions as well.
     
  7. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, MIL turn is done now it’s FiL. That’s what, I have tried to limit my topics. I’m not even the one who starts the discussions. I couldn’t able to understand, what’s their problem. Being good to insensitive people is what I’m thinking they are getting opportunity to push all the things on me. That would be their easier option.

    Even being patient, I should have expressed and set boundaries or give them a strange look as you said. Because being good to good people is peace but being good rude ones is costing me. Sure, will consider the inputs
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    As you are away now, dont go after them. They want someone else to blame. So they picked you. It has nothing to do with you. Its a trend to blame DIL for every thing. They are trying to create guilty feeling due to money issues. They can fight with you guys only as you are the only income source, the other brother dont have that issue as he is not contributing. Its up to your dh to decide. Its not his responsibilty to takecare of his brothers family too.
    My suggestion is not to get involved in their family matters, let parents and sons deal with it. Face only when its direct. Ignoring helps to some extent, but that doesnt mean you have to tolerate every thing. We can reflect and talk like them, then whats the difference between them and us. If we mirror their actions, I will say we dont have our own stand or personality. So, pick the wars you want to fight. Do you need their certificate. I dont think so. Enjoy your married life
    Dont ruin your precious life for toxic people, not even a second by ruminating over this.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2022
  9. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly you got exact issue. Thanks a lot, this was helpful!
    It answered most of my concerns n questions that I had in my mind :blush:
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2022
  10. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    As per ur first post, ur parents hv given dowry (cash or kind), also u r a professional and I am sure u were contributing at ur inlaws house.

    My first question, so why u were trying to impress people or expect them to change with ur hard work, love and care specially after they hv insulted ur parents for dowry?

    U deal with them like a neutral person without involving, reason is they dont deserve ur love or respect, neither they will understand nor value it.

    U should be thankful to God and ur stars, u n ur husband have understood their mindset.
    It's never too late, just move ahead and live, don't ruin ur present and future thinking about past.
     
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