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IN-LAWS and their expectations from a DIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shakambari, Jun 24, 2009.

  1. asha_karthik

    asha_karthik Silver IL'ite

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    Nikita
    You would be one of those lucky DILs if your inlaws have been helpful so far with all the 9 points you have stated. This is not a forum where a bunch of irrational egoistic women sit around chattering about trivial happenings in their lives. I hope you get the time to go through the genuine issues posted by ladies in the forum and whenever you feel the issue isn't genuine, and if the poster has JUST one of the problems that you have stated (1) ego (2) not understanding the values of a new home (3) not being respectful to elders (4) not realizing the importance of people.. etc etc.., you can feel free to point that out, which most of us have been doing too.

    *** There is no one to perform the traditions with feelings only a mother will do for his son & daughter in law.
    ***There is no one to transfer the traditions of the family you are now going to belong to...your husband has grown up following as well....some of those traditions & values would be among reasons of you or your family choosing your better half for.
    TRUE

    ***there would be no one to support/guard you from straight comments from rest of relatives at any point ever.
    Yes, provided you have your inlaws support

    ***The older Dil's of the house may misguide leading you doing mistakes that you loose respect & spoil you relationships with in some part of family they themselves are not comfortable with....I mean you can't help being victim of politics in joint families you as you see in saas bahu serials... (Yes I went through this experience..)
    This could have been your experience. What if the MIL/FIL plot the politics?

    ***there is no one elderly you can trust for advice taking any right step for the welfare of your own family.
    depends on what you mean by "your own" family

    ***You don't have anyone who can help or save you from criticism of other DIL's of family who would be enjoying their position as the leader for putting rules without having any or much experience on the front.
    Again I just see this as your own experience. I did not have any problems with elder DILs within the family, in fact not even with my MIL. It was and still is my FIL who is the problem-creator.

    ***when you are expecting, deliver or parenting there is no experienced wisdom words to guide you go through..
    ha.. Leave alone words of wisdom and good wishes, I did not even get a glass of water from my MIL during my initial nausea period of pregnancy. I had to stock water and those items in my room, that would stop my nausea during the evenings when I usually throw up.

    ***you always take your own decisions & never get a moment's luxury of living your life free from overall family responsibilities.
    yes, i left them to do all that, and i was termed irresponsible.

    ***when you or your husband work, travel, fall sick or at the time of true need only MIL can support balancing your life by selfless affection for your kids & husband at least if not for you due to any reason.
    mostly yes, mine is a different case though, but these are exceptions.

    Am i reading it right??

    Nikita.. Like Tiyamommy mentioned in one of her posts earlier, most of us are part of this forum because, somewhere in the corner of everyone's mind here, we have a hope of having a revived relationship with our inlaws, where all of us (including inlaws) end up happy. We would probably be out of this forum once we give up or donot trust this relationship any more.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2009
  2. beniwalnikita

    beniwalnikita New IL'ite

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    Hi Asha!

    Your post reflects anger..Am sorry if hurt you or anyone here in above post.

    I only shared my own experiance & feelings. If my language or words hurted you or anyone please know I no where mean judging anyone/ any case. It is purely what I have gone through & beleive in.

    I would in fact love to learn other aspects from all friends here..

    lots of love,

    yours Nikita
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2009
  3. SuccessMinded

    SuccessMinded Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Nice reading all your posts..
    I have been very blessed so far.. been married for 4 years now. My in-laws have 3 sons, my husband being the middle one. The younger one is not yet married. They love me as their daughter and shower me with gifts and love.
    When they came to US, my mother-in-law didnt even let me come to the kitchen, she cooked everything. I felt like my mother had come down.
    Another great thing is that my mom and mom-in-law are very similar in thinking and so is my dad and dad-in-law. So i dont feel the difference at all.

    If there is anything I can think of, then there is 1 thing:
    When I was newly married, my husband came to US and I stayed back for a month due to visa reasons. At that time, I wanted to spend maximum time with my parents who are in the same city as my in-laws, so my FIL got the feeling that I was ignoring them and some confusion was caused. I wanted to leave for the airport from my home rather than in-laws... so my misunderstandings, which were resolved with time..

    Even recently when I was not well, they would make ISD calls to make sure I was fine and instruct their son to take complete care of me and skip office...

    I just Thank God for giving me excellent parents on both sides and most of all, a caring, loving husband.
    Wish you all the best in concreting your relationships..!
     
  4. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Asha.. Good points. You have told all and more of what I wanted to say.

    Nikita - Can you please clarify what is the meaning of this sentence?

    "You actually leave all your relations behind only carry values & wisdom your parents inherited in you to take along."

    Does this mean your parents are no more important to you? You leave them behind...?? I really do not get it.
     
  5. asha_karthik

    asha_karthik Silver IL'ite

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    No Nikita. There is no anger in what i stated earlier. I wasn't supportive of the generalization made in your post and wanted to display my empathy for the genuine issues that are posted here. You can feel free to state what you think here, but think through the other posts if possible.

    You might have seen a speck of anger because it hurts when someone (including my own mom/dad) comments or picks at or devalues the effort I have put in, to build my relationship with my inlaws, without understanding what i have lost in turn.

    vidhkarthik - I am all ears to hear from Nikita on your question too. If what I understood out of the statement is right, there ends most of the problems here. Not that i support the statement, but throwing away the relationship with our parents - isn't that what most of our inlaws would be elated with?
     
  6. shakambari

    shakambari Platinum IL'ite

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    Successminded.

    Thanks for a lovely positive fb .

    You are blessed to have such a wonderful set of Parents in law who are really parents in love.

    Asha Kartick,

    Thanks fot the fb.

    I fully empathise with ur views.

    Keep posting folks...

    If sounding off ur views is going to help u lighten ur hearts .please do...
     
  7. depressed

    depressed Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Shakambari,

    Good thread. In fact, you have initiated many good threads in this and other forums-really thought provoking ! Keep it up !:thumbsup

    Dear TiyaMommy,

    I LOVED your Reply.:)

    Thanks
    "HAPPY"
     
  8. shakambari

    shakambari Platinum IL'ite

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  9. jaishamagna

    jaishamagna New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    The day we marry their son, we are supposed to go into amnesia. She cannot tolerate her son of so many years looking into our likes or even a fleeting glance. All this when my MIL has a husband earning a very hefty sum as pension. Almost 20 years , out of respect and age factor, I did not back answer. However, even my endurance level has crossed the limit. Now,at least I make it clear to her that I did not like what she said or did in front of her son or husband and insist her to talk in the living room and not in the kitchen.
    I think, We will have to take a call one fine day and and face it. Worst ,what could happen? Some melodrama in front of her son/husband. At least, from our side, we would be clear off that we spoke our heart. Bottling up all emotions had lead to hyper-acidity and many more complications.

    Jai
     
  10. beniwalnikita

    beniwalnikita New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    First of all, I think we are not here to prove anyone wrong or right but to express what we are & what we truly believe in. First of all, I would like to request lets be respectful to each other.

    So what if someone’s experiences & believes does not match you or majority of people. So far I thought <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on">Indus</st1:place> ladies is a platform where one can truly express themselves. If it is not a platform what I thought it is & if I have to think through other posts as Asha said & allowed only to write what majority of posts is reflecting, I would prefer to be out of it.
    What I wrote is what I truly believe in & gone through.

    I wrote this for ladies who may be missing enjoying the positive aspect of this relation just due to moment’s aggression/ inconveniences. It is very natural that our focus goes on what is making us uncomfortable. In fact in the process of going through stress of feeling uncomfortable, we do loose opportunities to enjoy certain part of our life that could have been possible.

    I believe we are from era whose Generation is fully aware of the fact that they can change them selves & their surroundings by changing their attitude.


    Dear Asha,
    With due respect for everyone here, everyone’s circumstances & surroundings are different so obviously no single rule can be applicable for everyone. I am not sure what made you feel like writing this –

    This is not a forum where a bunch of irrational egoistic women sit around chattering about trivial happenings in their lives………you have stated (1) ego (2) not understanding the values of a new home (3) not being respectful to elders (4) not realizing the importance of people.. etc etc.., you can feel free to point that out, which most of us have been doing too.

    I have no right & have not judged anyone here. Like you & everyone else, I have all the right to express what I believe in. Here we all are sharing our views/ experiences & believes we are grown up with & gained with our experiences.

    I thank you for your inserts in your message after my first post. However we share our believes on some fronts along with some differences. I would like to say it was more of difference in perception from our two ends. You said what you have experienced & gone through, I stated what I have experienced & gone through…both are true but not necessarily apply to everyone’s situation.

    Would like explain you for your inserted question on the point where I can see probably was not enough clear while putting myself.
    Me in first post- ***there is no one elderly you can trust for advice taking any right step for the welfare of your own family.
    Asha -depends on what you mean by "your own" family
    Me – My own family is the only family I belong to now. Yes, I mean my in-laws, My husband.


    Now coming to the point you are waiting to hear as you said - I am all ears to hear from Nikita on your question too. If what I understood out of the statement is right, there ends most of the problems here.

    Me – I would sincerely like to thank you for your concern to hear me & my thoughts. In your thoughts You yourself have reached on the actual verge this attitude can lead you to…….Yes, I truly believe in & experienced that it proves as end of most of the problems.


    I stated in first post- I truly believe in tradition of last ceremony of a wedding when the bride throws grains back before leaving parents house.

    You actually leave all your relations behind only carry values & wisdom your parents inherited in you to take along.


    Yes, I believe in this & this is what I understand from my wedding ceremony. My parents have done “ Kanyadan” & now I no more belong to them.

    One can be surprised to know a fact – why I so strongly believe in this? Who taught me this? – answer is – My Own mother.

    I am an only child of my parents & lost my father when I was 10 year old. My mother brought me up like son & I was like a tom boy. Never wanted to get married & wanted be with my mom throughout my life. My mom shared her vision with me & made me understand about the values she used to believe in. She is all alone in this world but still wanted me to keep this belief with me when I was getting married.

    Also Who says you should throw away your relationship or even responsibilities of your parents but it is all about your every thought coming from your ownself for feeling priority for your “Own family”.
    What I have experienced, I can tell all, because for me my family is my priority & my in-laws & who so ever knows me appreciates this in my Own & earlier family.

    I can also tell you, her vision & transfer of her belief has enabled her gaining so much respect & love from my this family that my in laws many times do not visit me but keep meeting/ greeting my Mom.

    (My husband & rest members of the family keep fighting with each other but everyone irrespective of the fight with my husband keep calling/ greeting me……….you know what, at times it becomes a sensitive issue between me & my husband so I make sure we do not talk about anything relevant to their on going..fights) My relation with my in laws even helps forgetting the differences in between my husband & them.


    This is same what I see my husband’s sisters also believe & they also get same respect in their families as I get in my family.

    Again, anyone reading this please do not get angry with me :hide: or misunderstand me for judging anyone here..I am only putting my beliefs & experiences.

    Lots of love,
    Yours Nikita
     

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