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IN-LAWS and their expectations from a DIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shakambari, Jun 24, 2009.

  1. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Amen to that ASG! Sometimes when I do see good lovable MILs, I do have a tinge in my heart and feel guilty weirdly for it not being my fault. Padmini Mam - better adopt us as DILs. :)
     
  2. tiyamommy

    tiyamommy New IL'ite

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    I just see ladies are enjoying this post. Not to disrespect anybody, I am LOL :rotflspecially reading Preeti's smileys.. just imagining MIL-DIL's fighting like those smileys ..

    I know some genuine expectations of my IL's like we should visit them , call them , gift them , send some money to them. Sometimes these expectations go overboard and take ugly turns..
    There are numerous foolish and illogical expectations just like mentioned in other's posts like "wanting a smart, earning lady for the outside world and a meek, submissive buffalo who keeps only nodding "yes, u r the boss"..at home"...

    I always had this guilt , may be i am not the Good DIL, so may be things are going wrong with me.. But seeing , so many women sailing in similar boats, i believe , there is nothign wrong with me , but i have come to beleive things have to happen , they happen because u have no control on other's minds, and u have self-control to a limit, and over period of time u loose this self-control when people around u are acting crazy all time..
    So for whatever happened/to happen in my life, it's happening for good..

    cheers
    tiyamommy
     
  3. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Great Thread,
    I guess only the next generation will have broadminded, understanding MIL who will respect boundaries, since we will be the MIL then.

    Mine MIL has almost all the expectations mentioned above plus

    -Wants me sing her praises to all (too much expectation)
    -Wants me to get up very early, do all the work, pooja, cooking etc and still be energetic and smiling and happy
    -Never utter a never against her/FIL/DH or any one.
    -Tolerate all nonsense happening around me and begin to participate in it too...
    -Always keep my feelings, desires, wishes to myself and accept theirs as mine
    -Update her about everything that happens, even the fights and quarrels we have.
     
  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    My MIL is okay so far. But my FIL-SIL combo have ruined my married life till now.My FIL wants a wealthy good looking girl who will do everything as my in laws want rather my husband and most importantly what FIL -SIL want .Take all the abuse they heap on me and not say a word .
    They dont want my husband to be too attached or attached at all to me . Most importantly they want to breathe down my neck 24/7. Staying apart also they have successfully ruined my marriage till now.
    I forgot to mention my FIL is a professional degree holder and has worked abroad for almost 20 yrs.My SIL is a horrible horrible woman whose only aim is boss anybody around her.Both act arrogant becoz of having a trump card called a SON-BROTHER.They feel that entitles them to make any and every decision in our lives irrespective of the fact that the so called son-brother is married for many yrs and is in 30's.
     
  5. Padmini

    Padmini IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear all,
    I really feel sorry to note that so many immatured ladies exist(mils)
    Dr. Preethi you made my day by your lovely words.
    But for this matuarity in me, I am thankful to my MIL. you know why? the pain and the agony I suffered made me to think a lot. At that time I took a vow not to hurt my Dils' or her parents' feelings by my words or deeds.So when they entered my house I looked them as my daughters. My notion is even with your daughter, or son you have to draw aline and repect their feelings and thoughts.
    All young DILS here, I accept you all as my daughters.
    Thank you ASG, for your lovely words. do not worry virtually I have accpeted you as my DIL. ( daughter).:)
    with love
    pad
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. priyankav789

    priyankav789 New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Yes its still happening. I think MIL is MIL only
    My MIL acts like anything, and her expectations from me is exactly a money making machine
    I should not have rights for anything. Even to a dress also, i have to ask her.
    If My DH or FIL is there, she acts like working like anything
    I dont bother about all these things
    The only problem is i dont have support from him
    He is pakka SIL for my parents good son for this parents.
    After reading couple of issues, i feel like its happening in my house also.

    I think all boys are like that.

    After joininig in to this IL and reading all the replies for issues i feel really very confident.

    Thanks to everybody
     
  7. shakambari

    shakambari Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    When I started this thread -I definitely did not expect such heart rending

    responses.

    In fact I was too dumbstruck to reply.

    Who said we have changed when majority of the women still have to

    battle with their single biggest foe- the omnipotent M I L who is nothing

    but a villainous she-devil minus a tail and 2 horns...

    The Fil , and sils are nothing but her "yours obediently" stooges and hubby

    - a mere puppet for a looong time...

    So what if we are in 2009?

    Inlaws expect a dil to be an unpaid servant who comes home with a booty

    over which she will have no claims and earn for the family,cook,clean,'

    get babies,,bear their barbs stoically as if flowers are showered on her,

    be the maid in waiting but not a decision maker or even an opinion giver...

    She has to be the emotional punching bag and outletfor the whole gang...


    no wonder our mega serials potray them like this in the darkest hues...


    Yes - There are many like this though it shocks the rare gems like

    PADMINI and her likes Who makes the world liveable...


    Such fbs make us make us wonder if such MILs are mentally depraved or sic.
    Atleast this thread has helped some Dils to let out their steam .

    God bless .
     
  8. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    what a wonderful thread! yes i would sadly have to respond that my mil is very much like most of yours.....extremely demanding and I am to show no EMOTIONS around them at all, otherwise they call me weak, or say that i wasn;t raised right!!(can you believe that??) and the worst part, my husb tells me i deserve this, and that i am married into HIS family, so i have to change and accept things...and yes, they too want a smart dil(in terms of earing potential)..but i should still be stupid enough to obey their every wish and command!!

    .Ms. Pad, thank-you for adopting all of us unhappy dils out there, i wish my mil had some of your thoughtfulness and kindness.....

    sash
     
  9. shakambari

    shakambari Platinum IL'ite

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    Welcome to the thread Sashie.

    Thanks for the fb.
     
  10. beniwalnikita

    beniwalnikita New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies!

    I wish to tell you one thing, how it feels when you do not have your mother in law...

    When you get married reach your new home & There is no one called MIL..

    *** There is no one to perform the traditions with feelings only a mother will do for his son & daughter in law.

    ***There is no one to transfer the traditions of the family you are now going to belong to...your husband has grown up following as well....some of those traditions & values would be among reasons of you or your family choosing your better half for.

    ***there would be no one to support/guard you from straight comments from rest of relatives at any point ever.

    ***The older Dil's of the house may misguide leading you doing mistakes that you loose respect & spoil you relationships with in some part of family they themselves are not comfortable with....I mean you can't help being victim of politics in joint families you as you see in saas bahu serials... (Yes I went through this experience..)

    ***there is no one elderly you can trust for advice taking any right step for the welfare of your own family.

    After some years later....

    ***You don't have anyone who can help or save you from criticism of other DIL's of family who would be enjoying their position as the leader for putting rules without having any or much experience on the front.

    ***when you are expecting, deliver or parenting there is no experienced wisdom words to guide you go through..

    ***you always take your own decisions & never get a moment's luxury of living your life free from overall family responsibilities.

    ***when you or your husband work, travel, fall sick or at the time of true need only MIL can support balancing your life by selfless affection for your kids & husband at least if not for you due to any reason.

    I truly believe in tradition of last ceremony of a wedding when the bride throws grains back before leaving parents house.

    You actually leave all your relations behind only carry values & wisdom your parents inherited in you to take along.

    I learnt It from my ex-boss who was a DIL staying in a joint family that first of all you should feel that it is now your own house. So stop behaving guest or outsider in the family.

    It is now your own house, your own people...so what if you respect & follow the traditions/ rules set by lady who has built up & looked after the house you are stepping in. After all she is the one who is one of the reason, you are coming to be a part of family..

    I truly believe anyone can ever take you for grated till the time you allow them. If you think you are smart enough you can help the relationship have shape you are comfortable with. Surrendering your ego in front of your parents/ parent in laws will not make you any inferior. In fact all they need is respect & recognition for what all they have done so far, with the beliefs they could earn from their lives. No one is perfect so they & we are also not. If they in later stages of their life do not patience or wisdom to ignore our faults, what is wrong if we accept their imperfection if we see it that ways.

    Many of us realize importance of people when we loose them.......

    This is only for those people who are not looking at the positive aspects of this relation & may miss enjoying the brighter part of it while focusing more on what they would feel more comfortable at the moment.

    I request ladies reading this to correct my perspective so I can learn from their experience as well.

    Thank you very much!

    Lots of love,

    Nikita
     

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