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In-laws And My Kids

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Maha99, May 11, 2020.

  1. Maha99

    Maha99 New IL'ite

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    Dear all!

    I have 2 kids under 6 years of age. My inlaws have never accepted me into home as family member as I had love marriage. They did not want DH to marry me due to their money expectations from bride. I have always gotten outsider alien treatment from them..as if I dont exist. SIL did not let her kids talk to me, everytime I used to ask or her kids to mingle and play with them, she used to feel insecure and jealous as the little ones were fond of me..Now its been 12 years, they have grown up and hardly call me 'Aunt'/Mami...There have been countless other issues with them that I tried to sort amicably with goal of having harmony in family. I was doing Ph.D when all these were happening which affected my studies..my health and my overall personality changed from bubbly confident girl to depressive low motivating person. I tried to distance them by talking less, they complained about it..if I talked to them, they would make sure they hurt me by comments/basically to mentally keep on torturing me..now I have kids..They want to just talk to them..SIL is asking for them as if they are her kids....when she did not share her kids with me, how can she claim right on my kids who are my flesh and blood? this has completely made me angry and depressed....FIL says past is past....12 years of pain agony, polite requests on this FIL to let me mingle with SIL kids fell on deaf ears and now he says very easily past is past..... I have been completely ruined by this family..they affected my studies, personality, and now want to have my kids...FIL wants them back in India to let them stay with SIL while I try for jobs here....obviously DH and I refused...DH younger brother and his wife (co-sister) have also been very mean to us...They body shame me..In the past one year, I took proactive steps to be distant with them which has improved my mind stability, I also lost weight and look much better...everytime I come in front of them on webcam, they make sure do something that mentally upsets me/fights with DH and so I have not refused to go on webcam..kids are young they dont want to sit in front of camera...and basically they dont seem to be interested in talking to anybody on camera, they have friends here to play with..TV/activities etc....My FIl also has all of ours birthtime and even went to say that since I am going to have some major problems soon, I may die also so I should let kids stay with SIL to encourage bonding...I have told DH if something happens to me, my last wish is to have kids with him always....SIL also is not loving my kids..they all have ulterior motives....How can my FIL say and do things like that..? Even if some bad time period is shown on horoscope, it is up to GOD to decide ..I am perfectly healthy person so far.... Please advise on how to handle my FIL who is being gas lighted by SIL /BIL for mentally harassing me like this..I want to live my life peacefully going forward...Thank you all in advance!
     
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  2. pinky18

    pinky18 Senior IL'ite

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    They been treating AS outsider for all this 12 years.. accept it.. you are ... your expectations for any change should BE FROM your husband only... he was the one who wanted to be you as a life partner when others was in oppose. Play your cards girls.. you are educated , cultivate your life out of that circle or circus WHICH MAKING you feel low. You should have your goal, job , hobbies , friends, your own family .. spend more time with them.. do whatever makes you happy rather than things which makes you sad.
    Whatever motive they have to keep your kid.. for now dont think much about that.. they are your kids.. will be yours forever... but be good role model for them.. instead of SHOWING DEPRESSED, misery version of you, be bold ,and stand alone for rights.
    About body shame.. whatever others say as long you feel healthy from inside nothing matters more. And start to focus more on your health. Be selfish ... nothing is wrong to be selfish among selfish.. love your kids and your life. Good luck and hug to you dear.
     
    Maha99 likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you wasting your life on something that dont exist- a good relationship with inlaws. Let your dh deal with them..

    "My FIl also has all of ours birthtime and even went to say that since I am going to have some major problems soon:"

    Use this to your advantage. According to them you are going to face bad things. So you dont have much time for them. Tell your dh that you dont want to waste a second on them and spend full time with him and your kids and live your life to the fullest as long as you are alive.

    Cut off them from your life as much as you can and maintain only a formal relationship.
    If your dh wants he can, stay away from them. Staying away from negativity is the best option here

    You are educated. You know very well that they are not going to change for you. It's not in your control. So focus on things you can control. Count your blessings that you are living away from them. Never send your kids alone to them or to any other home . Atleast one of you should be with them. Be firm. If they dont want you,why they need kids. Its Corona time use that as excuse and later find some other reason. You are their mother, the decision should be yours too.

    You need to develop a thick skin and I dont care attitude. Who needs their good certificate? Who cares? If they talk nonsense leave it through other ear. You have to listen to people who love, respect and care you. Rest are noise. Read useful self help books and watch videos that boost your self esteem and confidence. They are your dh's family members. Show that respect if needed but keep them at a distance.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2020
    SCA, CuteCancer, Maha99 and 2 others like this.
  4. Maha99

    Maha99 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Pinky! I am already working on it since last year and so much positivity is happening all around me...in this past one year, they did not focus attention on me either..now suddenly, they want me to talk to them.....12 years of misery and I distance myself from them, for my own good health, and they point fingers at me for distancing ...play the old people how long we live victim card....my FIL is the most manipulative person I have ever seen....Even at the age of 74 his mean mind is very sharp while my DH has inherited not even 10% of his mean/clever mind....he is like a devoted person...last time, i talked he was saying that we are keeping grandkids away from them...he records every conversation of ours, but my DH doesn't believe it..I know because couple of times, he did it in front of me...while we were in India without DH...and also he forwards our Whatsapp messages to my BIL who is playing mastermind to these cheap tactics of control and dominance...all of them are greedy for whatever little money we have....
     
  5. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP
    Looks like your ils spread lots of negativity.stay away from them or don't involve in any type of conversation with them.if your Fil
    is coming with this astrology theory of death tell him , you don't believe in those or tell you have already done some remedies and ask him not to worry about your longevity .Tell him he is worrying too much about you and this will put his health at risk.
    Do not react to any tantrum from them and act happy and normal.
     
    drdiva and Maha99 like this.
  6. Maha99

    Maha99 New IL'ite

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    Thanks, dream...I am working on all the positivity in my life and its showing affects but suddenly FIL started showing "grandparent" right to talk to kids in a threatening tone. My kids are so young they don't even understand the language, and don't sit in front of the camera. When we have been in India and here as well, he has time and again proven that he has Zero affection or concern for my son. My son had surgery 2yrs back and he was least bothered about it. DH, of course, is blind to this. He knows where it hits hard on me and he keeps on pestering DH why I don't talk, so that he can keep manipulating me. DH says don't talk, but I am so much traumatized with the past that this is like post-traumatic stress disorder, whenever I hear his voice, I get scared and fear something bad will happen to me or my kids because he hates me and he keeps showing my horoscopes to all those occult people. I am a scientist (I was I left my job 6 yrs back) and I had a horrible downfall in my career due to all this mess.

    Can FIL force himself to visit us to meet grandkids?? my BIL and his family forced themselves to come to visit us even though they did not talk to us for 8 years....surprising my DH allowed it....of course, my co-sister showed her temper tantrums and his son kept hitting my kid every hour....to revive the relation, I gave her opportunity to let her come. But she failed in the basic sense. Now those shameless people are trying to again come and force into our home. DH has thankfully told them no we are not available and we mutually decided they will never come to our home.

    For now, this past weekend, we had a lot of arguments....finally decided, we will avoid them citing coronavirus and later some or other excuse....irritating thing is FIL is a persistent creep who has ulterior motives and uses excuse or plays grandparent old victim card.
     
  7. Maha99

    Maha99 New IL'ite

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    Thanks AppuMom,

    My mother is very worried for me due to his statements. But we have no support, my Dad and brothers do not support me, they are old fashioned patriarch type people who say I need to please my in-laws. I am unlucky to get such dad and brothers. I left my job to have kids 7 years back. I have been trying for the last 2 years but no luck. I am not into software, it is already tough for me due to a gap in career. My mother is my only inspiration currently. I talk to her every morning and that helps me tremendously. She is my positive rock. My mom reiterates that nothing will happen to me, I am healthy and FIL is just trying to scare me because he knows I get scared..and somehow that will cause me health issues. I have not harmed anybody only use defensive approaches to protect me or loved ones.
     
    dhara18 likes this.

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