In Law Visit - Help!

PushpavalliSrinivasan · May 13, 2007

sunkan said: ↑

Dear Marisa,
You yourself had told that your in laws welcomed you with open arms. So there is no need to get cooked up. Even if something goes wrong, just explain your difficulty and surely they will understand. From the way you sought the help from others, it shows your sincerity to make your in laws happy during their stay. So have a good sleep and have happy dreams about your in laws! Everything will be fine. They would say to you before their departure, that "If our son had married a Indian girl, we wonder whether she would be so sweet with us!"
Wish you and your in laws " A very Happy Time together!"

Pushpavalli
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shreyasri · May 13, 2007

Dear Marisa,

It is so nice to see that there still are people who sincerely care for others, especially elders. We,Indians, always bragged about deep family bonds. But,there are others too....!

Having had some elderly people with us at home and having worked with much senior colleagues, I wish to say a few things on this.

What most elderly people love to have is a "listening ear". They wish to talk a lot of the olden days(walking down the memory lanes) and are very happy when we listen to them patiently. We could encourage them to talk of how they grew up,their siblings, their neighbourhood,the problems they faced and so on. These may not be relevant to us, but, is fun to them.

A woman of the earlier generation, caringly served food to all members of her family, while she was left alone with her meals. Give her the pleasure of company at mealtime, she starts looking forward to her next meal ! All we have to do is just sit at the table,talking to her, as she eats her food.

The m-i-l may want to do the cooking but likes to be relieved of dish-washing. She is also delighted when you offer to help her with cleaning the kitchen.

You are going to have a memorable time. Good luck!

shreyasri

Marisa · May 18, 2007

Thanks again for all of your replies!

Jey, thanks for the nomination . We don't have any Indian channel up here, but I've brought a handful of Tamil books from the Public Library. My husband wasn't too thrilled with my picks (what can I say, I chose them by the cover!) so he has agreed to come to the library with me and pick a few himself. We live in a very busy city and very close to the epicenter, so there's people to watch. Also, said library is nearby by bus, so they can come with me if they feel like it.

Pavithrasriram, thankfully the sari for my MIL has already arrived and I'm thrilled with it. Honestly, it's not such great quality as the silk or cotsilk ones I've gotten from India, but it's a very, very lightweight, drapey poly-silk blend and I think it might even be a color that my MIL doesn't already have. My husband was quite pleased with it finally, even if it took me weeks to convince him to let me go ahead and buy it!

Here' a pic:

Now I just need to wrap the gifts and have them ready, and plan what I will cook for the day they arrive (just a week to go!)

Thanks Sunkan and Pushpavalli Srinivasan!

Shreyasri, I'll definitely do all the cleaning/ dishwashing! I usually have dinner after my husband finishes his, since I like to reheat the leftover rice with olive oil and salt for myself, but I'm hoping that my MIL will have time to sit down and enjoy her meal with her son after not seeing him in quite a while; I can always clean the kitchen in the meantime.

malinisatyanarayana · May 19, 2007

hi marisa
its really nice to hear from u that u want to welcome ur in-laws in a grand way..
i feel that u dont have to tense up with too many things..
just let it go as per it has to ....let them feel to be free.
since our in-laws r more expert in some things or the other..but u can handle them by lending ur support in cleaning ur house and also hope ur m-in law will help u learning indian dishes.. but u do get some books as per the variations ( south indian and north indian dishes)
or do have some help from ur indian neighbours..who might be of ggod help to u...i do learn from my neighbours, friends, tv's, books , etc...
u can go for short walks... or u can visits some nearby malls, libraries, etc.. there u can get some movies in theatres i heard.. u can take them so they feel fully abt the home country
wat more to say.. u were asking for the lamps cleaning..u can use toothpaste or soak in tamarind water for 1 hr and wash it with cleaning liquid
tha's all i can share as of now
bye
all the best
malini

chitrajan · May 22, 2007

Hi Marisa,

Was following your thread and once again you are a sweet little thing.

Regarding the lighting of lamp, it is customary for us to light it twice a day in the morning and evening -- and two three spoons of oil should be enough - i hope you have a small lamp.

silver does get tarnished when left outside -- try this - wipe the lamp clean of oil, wash with tooth paste any brand with a scouring pad - yes it helps a lot -- but if it has a lot of designs on it - try using a tooth brush

one more little tip for you - pls keep a separate small paste and scouring pad/tooth brush for cleaning of puja items - because we do not mix the cooking utensils with the puja items and therefore do not use the same brush also.

also never clean the lamp on a tuesday or friday - do it the previous day itself.

have a nice time - pls feel free to ask any questions

ranesmita · May 23, 2007

Hi Marisa
You are really very thoughtful. You have taken care of the sleeping arrangements, your clothes, food,w elcome, gifts and plans to keep them busy.
If she wants to cook let her cook, try to learn some of the dishes from her and make sure when she is cooking you are around somewhere.
May be you can give them a taste of non indian food too.
If they are there for a short time if they want you to be around for more time with them reduce some of your activities which will not hinder in your day to day life. Eg reduce your visit to the gym and go for a walk with them or go to the gym very early. Make sure you eat with them. Ask them about the Indian culture, food habits and something about your husband's childhood, their life etc. Basically a topic to start the conversation. I am sure they would love to talk to you.
Keeping them buys is playing indoor games, pull out the treasure of old photos etc. If they don't use computer teach them to use the internet or send the email messages by opening the email account. They would love to read their local news paper online like Times of India or something like that.

Just ignore little things if they say to you. Just show lot of love and affection from your bottom of heart, which is easy. Dealing with Indian in laws is sometimes difficult and tricky.

Let them have some time to spend with your husband alone.

If there are any other Indian families around introduce them to your inlawas.
Good luck and hope things go well with you.

PadmajaEdwin · May 29, 2007

Dear Marisa,

I was cooly reading the conversations between our frds and u. I am really greatly surprised by the arrangements, precautions u r taking for their visit. Even the arranged marriage couple (esp. i will not) may not do such great things.

But u didn't mention, what all happened finally when they arrived??? I am very curious to know how they were surprised by ur arrangements???

Let us know,
Padmaja Edwin.

ranesmita said: ↑

Hi Marisa
You are really very thoughtful. You have taken care of the sleeping arrangements, your clothes, food,w elcome, gifts and plans to keep them busy.
If she wants to cook let her cook, try to learn some of the dishes from her and make sure when she is cooking you are around somewhere.
May be you can give them a taste of non indian food too.
If they are there for a short time if they want you to be around for more time with them reduce some of your activities which will not hinder in your day to day life. Eg reduce your visit to the gym and go for a walk with them or go to the gym very early. Make sure you eat with them. Ask them about the Indian culture, food habits and something about your husband's childhood, their life etc. Basically a topic to start the conversation. I am sure they would love to talk to you.
Keeping them buys is playing indoor games, pull out the treasure of old photos etc. If they don't use computer teach them to use the internet or send the email messages by opening the email account. They would love to read their local news paper online like Times of India or something like that.

Just ignore little things if they say to you. Just show lot of love and affection from your bottom of heart, which is easy. Dealing with Indian in laws is sometimes difficult and tricky.

Let them have some time to spend with your husband alone.

If there are any other Indian families around introduce them to your inlawas.
Good luck and hope things go well with you.
Click to expand...

PadmajaEdwin · May 29, 2007

Dear Marisa,

I was cooly reading the conversations between our frds and u. I am really greatly surprised by the arrangements, precautions u r taking for their visit. Even the arranged marriage couple (esp. i will not) may not do such great things.

But u didn't mention, what all happened finally when they arrived??? I am very curious to know how they were surprised by ur arrangements???

Let us know,
Padmaja Edwin.

ranesmita said: ↑

Hi Marisa
You are really very thoughtful. You have taken care of the sleeping arrangements, your clothes, food,w elcome, gifts and plans to keep them busy.
If she wants to cook let her cook, try to learn some of the dishes from her and make sure when she is cooking you are around somewhere.
May be you can give them a taste of non indian food too.
If they are there for a short time if they want you to be around for more time with them reduce some of your activities which will not hinder in your day to day life. Eg reduce your visit to the gym and go for a walk with them or go to the gym very early. Make sure you eat with them. Ask them about the Indian culture, food habits and something about your husband's childhood, their life etc. Basically a topic to start the conversation. I am sure they would love to talk to you.
Keeping them buys is playing indoor games, pull out the treasure of old photos etc. If they don't use computer teach them to use the internet or send the email messages by opening the email account. They would love to read their local news paper online like Times of India or something like that.

Just ignore little things if they say to you. Just show lot of love and affection from your bottom of heart, which is easy. Dealing with Indian in laws is sometimes difficult and tricky.

Let them have some time to spend with your husband alone.

If there are any other Indian families around introduce them to your inlawas.
Good luck and hope things go well with you.
Click to expand...

Marisa · Jun 25, 2007

Thanks again for all your replies! I'm still not back in US after my visit to my home country, so I will be brief, but just wanted to assure everyone that the visit went well, and that my in-laws were a least a little bit pleasantly surprised by how things were handled. I am ever glad to have plotted things in advance because if you'd look at my relationship with my own parents, it's a 180º degree turn. I did feel my MIL felt a bit funny when I'd talk to my mom on the phone (different language) or when my husband would mention that my mom brings breakfast or dinner to my bed (which she does on ocassion. She spoils my husband too), but I tried to make those calls when I was alone (also didn't tell my mom that I was doing so much to adjust to my in-laws and mostly mentioned the gifts they brought and the nice things, because my mom had a difficult MIL).

Anyway, it was rather stressful, but deep down I cherished it. I still cannot explain how but I have a lot of feelings, particularly towards my MIL, ever since I first met her. I feel that as she tells me her life story, which was quite hard, and she confides on me, I can't help but love her, be thankful for how she raised my husband (who's the most wonderful man I know) and want to lessen her burden a bit. Now, I'm no saint and there were lots of things I could have done better, but thankfully I can count on my heart being on the right place, and I think they can somewhat see that, and they were a bit flexible with me because of that, especially as the time for my thesis defense draw near and I got a bit anxious. Now I'm looking forward to flying back and having my "normal" life back, but I fully think it was an important experience, much richer than just living those weeks my usual way. We'll see how things continue from here onwards.

radhavenkatesh · Jun 25, 2007

dear marisa
congrats on ur encounter wht ur inlws and ur combined stay wth them well even though it was for v little time i think u must have learned a lot frm tht .
not all ilws are bad or un adjustable few are v gud and always wishing their dils or sils and treat them almost like their kids
so cherish ur memories and always try to maintain ur decent dignity and let them feel comfortble always
regards