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In-dependent Woman

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by tanmayi, Apr 16, 2010.

  1. tanmayi

    tanmayi Bronze IL'ite

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    “It is very important for a woman to be educated and financially independent. Darling, study hard, work hard, don't waste time, try to stand up on your feet. Learn from my life., is it not awkward for me to depend on your father for every paise. Please build your identity. Identity gets you respect everywhere including your spouse. If my father had allowed me to study enough, my life and our life would have been different” preached my mother everyday for almost 18 years, till I had completed my education, joined a job and started earning that sweet penny. While the other girls went for higher education after graduation, I had opted to work and build my career. My first job was for Rs. 250/- for 8 hours hard labour in a newspaper company. The zeal for the right carreer made me migrated me from a village to city a decade ago . I had joined one of the great and reputed organisations in India, taken life very seriously, worked very hard and reached to a respectable senior position over the years. My mother had been inspiring me all the time to take up new challenges in life and had been the vital force for all my achievements throughout. She was proud to see her daughter visiting all the big countries, as part of her job.


    “You know how important for a woman to take care of her family, children. Money, fame all would come next. It is very important for a woman to understand her priorities in life. Darling, I would not have been successful, if my mother had not taken care of all her children full time. I want my spouse to take care of my kids, I don't believe or agree to put this responsibility in the hands of other people, there is no replacement for a mother, be it a maid or a relative” - my spouse started expressing his views strongly ever since I had conceived. It was a shock for me as he had always admired my qualities before. Debates followed. His argument is always convincing, however, I took all the measures to not let go my hard build career, at the same time tried to give as much time and space I can give to my child and spouse. I have done everything to satisfy them, to mention, without the support of any maid in any of the household chores. I have seen whatever efforts I am putting for the welfare of the family, at the end of the day, I am stamped as a selfish woman. But finally finally I gave up, left the job of my dream , became the stay at home mom, to take care of my home full time. My mother was not much happy but understood the reasons for my decision and gave me emotional support. She has appreciated me for not choosing divorce but the marriage.


    I am waking up every morning with feelings of sadness, loneliness. My mind poses hundred questions about my identity and purpose of my life. I calm them down gradually keeping myself busy in cleaning, cooking and doing all the other things that an ideal woman ought to do. I am trying to be a happy mom but the thoughts don't leave me, I am running away from them.


    Today, when my husband discusses with me about providing better education for our daughter and dreams about her career, I don't react!
     
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  2. mithila kannan

    mithila kannan Gold IL'ite

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    My dear tanmayi,
    Hello!
    I admire your mother for the way she supported you during your school days.I admire her ,you have said that she inspired you to excel in your job and was proud of you.That is a mother.I feel that you should not worry about having had to leave your job,my dear.You come across as a person with tremendous focus on what you want to achieve.You can be an inspiring mother to your childen.You can motivate them in their studies and in their other interests.
    There are a thousand opportunities for a stay at home wifw,to take up.Who knows with your skills at your command,you may be able to take up something,creative and excel in that field.
    All the best
    love
    mithila
     
  3. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Tanmayi,

    You make a very good point. I think we get caught unaware on the responsibilities of parenting.It is difficult to foresee it beforehand and then it is quite a balancing act.You could go back when your kid is a bit older. I have a friend who did that. She is doing pretty well actually.
     
  4. Deepali_deepali

    Deepali_deepali Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Tanmayi,

    I can understand tje dilemma you are facing. A woman has to face it in every phase of life. As our prents also say," no matter how successful a woaman is, no matter how much she earns, how beautiful she is, but she has to handle kitchen, kids in her life."

    For a woman, priorities change in life, From my point of view. A day comes when family does become a priority. I think you should also see the brighter side of this. Opt for some home based job as mithila mam said, atleast till your kid becomes grown up. Remember, education never dies.

    Be strong dear, some changes are for good!! ( just my opinion)
     
  5. Radheshyam

    Radheshyam Senior IL'ite

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    A very emotional and sincere write up ! I feel for you my dear !
    But please don't be offended if I suggest that you react/respond to your husband's desire/idea about laying a good foundation for your daughter's career/life. I feel that it is perfect opportunity to talk to him and make him understand your position.


    Cheers!
    Radheshyam.
     
  6. OOPALL

    OOPALL Silver IL'ite

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    Hi there!
    WOW!! Something I would like to share...about being independent. I got married at a tender age of 18 and migrated to a different country, with no one for support. My world had just turned upside down. The things I was used to coudn't be found in this new place. Everyone around me was a "stranger". For many days I would cry and wanted to go back home to the familiar place I grew up in.
    Well one day, out of the blue this desire woke inside me. OK I'm here, I need to make the best of my life with whatever means I can. Finding a job was the top priority. Landed an ok job, was glad I had a job, now I could turn things around. Then I got a second job (part time). I had a lot of potential to change my life. Couple years later, the family started to increase in size, had 2 kids. There was very little support from hubby. The kids future, my future all depended on me. As I struggled through life, I became more stronger. Each obstacle I went through, I was stronger each time.
    I became more independent, knew how to do just about everything. Marriage was not what I thought marriage was all about. That too fell apart. Raising my kids and running a household and by now working 2 jobs became a way of life for me.
    Today, I am a very proud self sufficient woman, a very proud mother. Life taught me to be that way.
    :thumbsupto all the independent women out there!!

    OOPALL!
     
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Wow Oopall,
    Truly incredible:bowdown.
     
  8. OOPALL

    OOPALL Silver IL'ite

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    Thank You BeeAma ji!

    Hugss
    OOPALL!
     
  9. Amma15

    Amma15 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi!,

    I can understand what you are going through my dear, and it will be tough in the beginning. But believe me you will have no regrets. I quit working when our sons were small. I stayed home for 8 years. It was entirely my decision. It was a little difficult when I rejoined - especially since I had lost all my seniority. But when I look back I feel it was the best decision I had ever made. Our sons are both very confidant young men now, independant yet bond very well with us. Happy to discuss their likes/ dislikes/ loves / failures/ heart aches etc with us.

    Chin up! All will be well!

    Love,
    Usha
     
  10. tanmayi

    tanmayi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Mithila Mam, Radheshyam, Bee Amma, Oopall, Deepali,

    Thanks you so much for the wonderful posts. I am feeling light now.

    Till now I have been only hearing remarks about the possible dark side of my decision. 90% of the people in the family and friends are raising their eyebrows for leaving job and blaming us for not exploring the other choices. Nobody dares to discuss this with my husband but do not hesitate to tell me of their opinion bluntly. "Why is your child special, are our children not healthy or safe in the crech. Are we not leaving them on the maid?" .... types!!! you know!!. What they don't understand is that we (I, infact) have also tried all these options in the last 3 years, but somehow they did not suit our lifestyle or family culture.

    I, indeed, feel good when I see the glow in the face of my child when I go to pick her up from the school or when I play with her, read stories for her, but somewhere internally I am not fully convinced with the decision as yet. I have been having confused feelings. I realised that actually I am not regretting for the financial loss or identity for myself, but I am actually worrying about my daughter's future, thinking that what all would come in her way over the years, in this manner. Afterall she is also a female.

    But, your posts are really going to help me to think the brigher side of it. Thank you dears`for taking time to respond.


    Tanmayi
     

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