in deep trouble after mil's visit

As pingme said, Letter is a very good idea!!
But pls be careful with the wordings. If it is a mere paper version of your verbal arguments... then it may not make much difference to your situation. It might even make it worse as now it will morph into an 'evidence' which he may or may not share with your ILs..

As pingme quoted, write from the bottom of your heart. Remove all complaints and word them differently so he can see what is bothering you and why is it bothering you without emphasizing on who is bothering you...

I know you may not be in a mood to reading now.. but try to give a quick look into Men are from Mars and women are from venus - do a selective reading - may take just an hr to go thru how men interpret what women say and use apt wording.. let it be like a love letter.

Believe me, Once I had personally written such a letter to my DH when he was so engrossed at work and hardly spent 30 mins a day with us for few months.. And it made wonders.. one important tip I can give you is, not just put down what bothers you.. tell him what will make you feel better.. tell him how he can make you feel better.. let it not be a huge step for him.. start with tiny changes. I remember in your thread somewhere you said that he told he will change something in handling finance little by little..

My views and take on life are different and often in this forum, I find myself in the minority sector, So I do not voice my suggestions that much.. But my heart goes out to you.. I understand your plight.. I liked the way you controlled yourself in many situations without throwing words in anger and how you are so willing to take steps to reconcile with ILs and DH.

My humble opinion in your case is that your DH wants you to completely trust him & his parents just like the way he trusts his parents. And thats where the crack stemmed. (not sure if it is relevant.. but FYI, I have given POA to my dear FIL / DH . I am still my happy self.. trust waters love )

You have said that your ILs are also not bad.. so basically they too might expect from you the same trust they get from their son. They show their resentment in turn like what you experience..

Hope you find better ways to communicate your feelings without losing your intimacy (mental) with your DH and ILs.

 

Sandu, yes I think it would help. It won't help him, but at least it will help YOU to realize how deep in trouble you are and the reality of your husband's character. Sometimes it takes a third person, face to face, to help you solve your problems. And at least it will lighten the mental load you've got. So yes, give it a try.

 

Dear Sandu,

Your husband is a foolish, spineless, coward, dependant momma's boy. But it is NOT his fault, but he has been raised by this way by his parents. He has been taught that his parents are next to Gods, and they know EVERYTHING. At the same time, he believes that every young Indian like you and me (including him self) are not capable of making decisions on their own, because they have no experience or various other reasons, hence it is SAFE to leave ALL the decisions to his parents (i.e the God's representatives).

Not only your DH, but many of our Indian husbands are more or less same as your husband until they decide to change. So, please wait for your turn.

My in lows are no good than yours. I had to face all sorts of emotional and financial related violence due to their over influences in my married life. My FIL's over confidence badly affected the self confidence of my DH. He became a useless dependant to his dad, and he didn't realised that until I showed him clearly about his weakness.

My FIL decided on what we eat, what we dress, where to work, when to be together, where to save, and when to have our babies, house etc.. etc..

His influence was not limitted to his sons, but to his DILs, and their parents/siblings/neighbors everyone. He thought he is someone from the God above, and reassured his confidence by the EXTRA ORDINARY obedient sons.

I tried by all means for 1 whole year to save my marriage, because I knew my DH is a very good person otherwise. It is not his mistake to act coward, but his weakness. Emotional dependancy is kind of sickness, it could be cured if there is proper medication.

Initially I cried, argued, fought, tried to explain my DH by sending him long e mails, calls and what not. But at the end of the day, I was branded as a psychological victim as my DH (like yours) rushed to his dad to discuss about the contents of our personal communication.

So I decided to put my feet down and deal with them tactfully.

I stoped my tears...Became very strong emotionally. I stopped complaining about my in lows, because no one will accept if you say something bad about their Gods. However, I started to take charge of my own life rather than depending on my DH.

When there was a need to make a decision, I made it for us. I didn't wait for my DH's green signal, because I knew my DH will never make any decisions on his own.

When questioned about this by my DH, I calmly told him.. "Yes dear.. I too like to follow you in everything, but unfortunately you are following someone else, hence how can I follow you. Insted of following you, now I have decided to protect you"

In another instance, I told him... Dear, i think at least I should learn how to run a home.. that's why I am doing things on my own. It is good if your dad can help us always, but unfortunately he can not live with us for the next 50 yrs.

Also I told him... See, you are lucky because your dad knows everything to guide you.. He is a perfect dad, but unfortunately our future kids are going to suffer, because their dad knows nothing... He is still expecting someone to help him.. Hence I have decided to be a best mom insted.

At the same time, I assured him that he has enough capacity to make decisions on his own... and his wife (me) will never crib if any of his decision goes wrong. So, I gave him the courage to at least to try to make his own decisions.

Your husband is blinded because of his love or respect for his parents. Your in lows are taking him for granted. He is simply NOT strong enough to put his parents on their place, alas if believes whatever done by his parents are just right.

You need to change him gradually, steadily and firmly....

Do not expect a change tomorrow, but definitely he will change and you will have a happy life soon

For now, please stop calling or pleasing your in lows... No need to pardon them for anything... Also please tell your parents to IGNORE calls from your in lows or DH.

Our parents are our weakness.. Specially for the girls like you and me. Because after every fight or mis understanding, the girl's parents are threaten for divorce. Then our poor parents start to plead and cry by thinking they can save their daughter's life. Then the daughter will apologise and bend backward for none of her wrongs because of her porr parents. That era has gone now.

If they want divorce, ask them to file for it. Believe me, they will never file a divorce case just like that.

Give him a reality check. Start deciding and doing things on your own. Let him follow his dad for sometimes until he realises that a young person too can make good decisions by seeing your boldness. Meanwhile you can give him some punches like commenting on his weakness every now and then to make him realise it.

 

(a) Well, as far as you are concerned, just block out the relatives. Tell them that they should just butt out, and be rude for a change if they are not nice; if they are, thank them for their concern and just say you need to sort this out yourself. Yes, even your parents. And tell them not to entertain any calls from your IL’s regarding you. It is natural your parents would want to protect you and are well-meaning, but their well-meaning requests can sometimes prevent you from being firm and taking the correct actions.

(b) His parents are already influencing him even with you around as it is. Besides, if you are not around, well absence makes the heart grow fonder.

(c) Is your job tied to his visa? Will you lose your job even if you don’t live together? I’m sure one of the other ladies will answer soon enough.

YES, YES, YES! You need to have a clear vision of your priorities, what you and your daughter deserve, gain confidence in yourself and learn to respect yourself (sorry, but I don’t think you do just yet).

Right now you’re trying to please everyone, but end up pleasing no one and being unhappy. And please, don’t apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong.

I agree with Sri Vidya, and could not have expressed it better myself.

 

Agreed that your husband has a mountain of a task in converting to a responsible husband from an irresponsible life partner. And I think you also need to change your dealing with him and control your influences on your married life. From my experience, I have seen that when men feel dominated by their wives, then tend to involve their parents & her parents & everyone else to force them to bring that dominance down. Since we only get one side of the story here, we dont know how he is perceiving your dealing/behavior/demanding with him. You also keep repeating that you insisted and succeeded in maintaining a seperate a/c for your salary and that you demand in continuing to work. Perhaps he sees these and other things unknown to us & between only two of you as evidence of your dominating him. I am not saying that you shouldnt work & you shouldnt maintain a seperate a/c, thats between both of you. But I think one thing you can definately do is perhaps analyze whether he feels powerless & empty with you due to which he is resorting to these disharmonious tactics.
If you do perceive that, then you should definately re-evaluate your interaction with him and perhaps change it to an alternative that wouldnt cause him to believe that he is powerless with you, yet you get your way at the end of the day.

You seem to have handled it more maturely than many other women I know. Patience, sometimes is an indication of level of maturity. It is a virtue, but dont lose it.

Perhaps, that was the problem all along. You need to remember, that a majority of the advice and suggestions given out here are NOT unbiased. Because we never know the other side of the story. Perhaps the harmony & understanding between you & your husband kept getting interrupted by Indusladies advice which you have taken for face value without tailoring it to your particular case. Also, sometimes people here post genaralities and extremely judgemental & critical views. Remember, they are going by what you say & dont know the whole story, so dont take such advice for face value.

I believe that you are absolutely right! Dont lose heart. If you tweak the way you are interacting with him, all will be back to normal.

It takes two to tango, whether the tango was the mess initially created between both of you or the reconciliation and mutual understanding going forward. I think your husband needs to free himself of his plaguing thoughts about you overpowering him, but you cannot make him see that by upfront confrontation. Subtle methods are required. To begin with, I think you need to re-evaluate your understanding of how you think he perceives your behavior with him. Develop an action plan on how to make him see sense based on that.

Dont do that. If you mil played the cold war with you, you need to do the same. The hurt & anguish you currently have is because you were trying to deal in a straight forward & upfront manner with someone who is playing the cold war game behind you. Be smart & do the same instead of being upfront about it.

Neither he nor you need counselling. Its a power struggle between both of you. He feels you are dominating him, & you want to have your way no matter what but no divorce. Dont change yourself or anything you currently do, but do appeal to his perceptions. That will work wonders.

You said above that you did everything that led to your current problems based on Indusladies advices. Perhaps, you need to stop asking questions here, or start taking advices here with a pinch of salt & form your actions based your relationship with your husband, one of the two.

 

Sorry, I forgot one thing...

Try to avoid your ILs as much as possible for now. If your MIL wants to help you to solve your problems (what problems???), politely tell her... No Aunty, I think I can take care of my issues.. and its almost solved now. Anyway thanks for your helps.

If MIL or FIL comments bad on you, then you shouldn't fight back or argue. Dogs bark at moon, but moon never bark at dogs. Similarly when dogs bark at you, you must throw a stone or leave the place or find a new way to escape from it. Never try to bark at a dog.. It will never help.

If they want to talk to you, just limit your conversation to HI-BYE type.. If they continue, just tell them you are busy or something buring in the stove or something like that - Ignore.

If your DH continue to inform his parents on all your private talks, then tell him that you too update EVERYTHING about you and your hubby to one of your best friend, as it is your habbit and can not change it now. I am sure he will go crazy, but tell him this is how you are (I mean, you don't do this, but just pretend like that to give him the taste of his medicine).

If he talks reasons, simply tell him this is how you felt betrayed when he shared all your private conversation with his parents.

Also, one more idea... When in private, if he wants to talk some intimate things, just do not converse with him. If he asks reasons, tell him that you are scared or and worried because he may tell about this 'Private" matter to his parents... This will definitely bring some change in him.

Do not fight... Just make him understand by casual talks

 

Isnt marriage supposed to be about equally sharing the problems and happiness? so why this power struggle??? if husband has insecurities about wife, he has to talk to her openly about fixing the issues and how both of them would deal with the problems b/w themselves...but if a husband involves the whole world into fixing issues with his own wife...as per me he is senseless. Because husband and wife live together every day they know each other more than anyone else. So why not talk openly and come to a common ground and work on a plan to fix what each other want...rather than letting his mother bad mouth DIL???

So are we talking about EGO?? i.e the MANs EGO? which cant be satisfied no matter what the wife does...because basically he doesnt know what he wants...as even that has to be revealed by his parents as to what he wants in life to make him happy....If a man knows exactly what would make him happy, its very easy to communicate and fix things b/w him and his wife...but major struggle is there...such men dont know what they want (ofcourse there are such woman also) ....soall they can do is run to mommy n daddy and complain about wifey...so that mommy n daddy shout at the DIL and the son gets some happiness out of it..

Why cant both husband andd wife fulfill each others dreams in marriage?? why it always has to be only one person gets to fulfill and realise thedreams and theother has to sacrifice?? arent we seeing happy couples, each other cooperating and supporting each other and sharing the burden and responsibilities and happiness?

So you say inlaws shouting and hurling abuses at DIL and her parents is all right, but the DIL is supposed to take it all in..and keep patience and wait for the so called CHANGE.

Really..The moment any man treats his marriage as a POWER STRUGGLE...he would struggle all his life...because if you think power lies with someone else...automatically you are powerless because you think there is something called POWER and you have to gain it...infact there is nothing called POWER in any relationship..all that is there is love, cooperation and understanding. Even if the husband has allthe POWER in his marriage, still he is the most unsuccessful man as per me, because once he gets old his physical power wont be there anymore and the wife would start treating him like crap at that time...so by theway how does all this POWER STRUGGLE help anyone?

If Sandus husband had told her, I understand you having problem with me giving away all my salary and putting it in India, but give me time lets try to come up with a way so that we both act as adults and take responsibility of our marriage and our life...things would have been different.

Another worst thing Sandus husband does is...whatever a wife discusses privately with her husband should NEVER EVER BE DISCLOSED to inlaws...doesnt matter husband/wife..what they discuss in their marriage privately i.e not infront of inlaws/parents should remain b/w husband and wife. The moment a husband runs to mommy n daddy everytime and discloses all the things his wife does and says to him...NO WOMAN can RESPECT such a MAN...forget abaout he feeling powerless..this is outright nasty.

Here the qustion is not about POWER...its about GROWING UP. Dont expect respect when people behave SENSELESS AND NASTY. Our behaviour is responsible for the kind of respect we GET. Have we forgotten that ??


Am really scared to even re-read Sandus post...my heart still beats at a faster rate the way she explained how her MIL was putting on the drama, how she screams,yells and calls sandus parents and shouts at them...everyone crying...everyone shouting...and among all this the MAN OF THE HOUSE (****ty guy..) is DUMB and DEAF...doesnt talk...you dont know what a mental torture it is to see such mentally insane people and bear all this when someone shouts and abuses you unnecessarily when all you meant was good!

 

Saints in Heaven! Are you to trying to martyr yourself? Trying for the Noble peace prize? Losing patience should be the least of your worries, and what is wrong with losing patience? Losing patience does not mean that there needs to a shouting match. It should propel you to be firm and put a stop to the nonsense, or nip it in the bud.


[/QUOTE] I have the gut feeling this is a passing phase and things will work out sooner or later. [/QUOTE]

If it is a passing phase, then why are you here, pouring your heart out? Passing phases will sort themselves out by themselves, usually without outside interference.

[/QUOTE] Now, he is asking me to join for dinner party at his friend's house and join some others on a trip this weekend... We have been showing off to others that we are indeed happy by attending dinner parties till now. But now, I am really very angry and tired. Should I oblige?? On one hand, it will be a good diversion for both of us, rather than sitting at home and fighting. On the other hand, I feel he just takes me for granted. Does he feel bad if others come to know of our problems if we stay away from parties? I am puzzled what to do now. [/QUOTE]

The question, my dear, is what do you want to do? Do you want to attend the parties or don’t you? Forget about your husband and what he wants to do. Focus on yourself for a change.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

Sandu,

I know your situation.Keeping small kids at home is not really easy to start these kind of battles.
But down the line I am pretty sure you will have another ablow up by that time your daughter will be little big so you will be mentally prepared and mentally strong to face consequences.
So be ready for it.Don't bend and bend and it's not worth it.May be not this time but when it happen next time be prepared for it mentally.

 

Sandu,

You guys should go to couples counselling. You need to place your case in front of someone that can listen both points of view and help.