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in deep trouble after mil's visit

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sandu, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    I asked my husband to cut off contact from his family before because of how toxic they were to our relationship. I guess by your definition I'm an abuser then. Or 'monster' as you say.

    We cut off contact, worked on our relationship, and when we were both in a place where we felt confident in our ability to rebuff outsider interference, he got back in touch with them, albeit only a little.

    I don't think there's anything monstrous about cutting out contact with people who are dangerous to your most important responsibility in life... your spouse and small children.

    JMO.
     
  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    To ask someone to not interfere is different, to ask someone to cut contact with his or her parents FOREVER is inhuman, and the reply was for the person who said not to help parents in dire circumstances, that to me is CRUEL

    No body has right to ask someone to not contact his or parents, yes people have right to say dont involve them, and the definition is not mine, read book on verbal abuse by patricia evans, I have read it twice to understand. It is not my definition... the author says if a spouse asks you to cut contact with his or her family or stops from meeting them for whatever reason is abusing

     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Thanks for speaking up, Tridev! You spoke my mind. I am not so articulate as some of you here. But cannot be a silent spectator either..

    Pingme, please reread your post..
    creatures?! and no support in dire situation?! I am so sad hearing such things.. some positive/constructive ideas to the OP would help much better instead.

    Just wondering, pingme..
    From your other recent thread, I understand that you and your DH have zero heated arguments.. so wouldn't some of the communication tactics you guys use help the OP to get her point across her DH before calling her marriage quits?!
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  4. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    Cutting people out of our life who are dangerous to our lives, or kids lives, is the sane thing to do - here OP's marital life is in danger, her kid's mental developemental/emotional trauma is at stake.

    Abuse would occur when one person tells the other to cut parents/3rd party out of their lives just because he/she feels in their mind that is the right thing to do, not becasue of negativity/physical danger.

    Coming back to OP, having read your past threads where I feel you come from a more conservative/orthodox background, I do not know how feasible it is for you to think of divorce. My advice to you would be think with a logical mind how much of your husband's mentality you can handle over the long term. Sorry to say but I dont think your husband can change all that easily - he has been brainwashed for a long long time that mother and father are primary, wife is secondary. So figure out a long term plan to keep the 3rd party who creates mischief (mil ) out of the scene for the time being, and work together on communicating/talking with your husband about what you think is the right thing to do.

    One positive thing is you mentioned when MIL went away he behaved relatively better.

    All the best to you!
     
  5. pingme

    pingme New IL'ite

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    Tridev and mstrue, I am not such a bad person as you said. I am not asking the OP to be another abuser here. I am asking her to do her part to not get further abused. Please read my thread infact my first thread where I was the one who wanted to keep my inlaws with me and I am thinking on those lines as to bring them and keep them with us under one roof. WHY? Because they are nice and non interfering and not like these monsters. But when cruel things like this as in OP's case are heard, what do you think one should do.
    Asking the OP to not get any more abused is also called being an abuser by you?? And my advise is useless?
    Don't you think the OP is in dire state now and what has the MIL done so far and her husband too? How do you justify these acts? And using the word creatures is offensive? What is the better word? Please suggest me. Why should the OP keep any contact with her inlaws and if her husband is with her then why should he have anything to do with the monsters? I want to know the answer.

    I don't know what in my post was so bad accdg to you. Please explain. I am ready to listen.

    Tridev, did you not find any cruelty in whatever OP went through and my retaliation to their inhuman acts,(Yes it is inhuman to abuse a mother in front of a child), is called cruel by you. I am surprised.
    Women want to be nice and most DILs think on those lines but unfortunately not all can be like that because of the way they are treated.

    Mstrue, What communication tactics you want me to teach OP here?? Do you think diplomacy works with an abuser? I urge you to THINK! Fortunate for me and many such women our dh is not an abuser otherwise 'QUITS' is my solution. Not all are that fortunate. So, let us not pretend that all is going well with OP and all that is needed is little tact and diplomacy here. She is in deep danger accdg to me!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    We all want to help OP in anyways we can....so lets stick to helping OP and not get into analyzing each others posts! Thanks!
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Sandu,

    I am very sorry that you are going through such tension..
    Before lodging a direct attack on your husband, let me analyse the root causes for such tension between you both..

    It is apparent that your husband has grown in a not so healthy environment as you.. Your MIL is a blood sucker, narcissist.. I dont think she even loves her son (your husband).. Right from childhood your husband had a micromanaging mother and he has been instilled with feelings of guilt, indebted feelings towards his mother.. Your MIL can play any drama to take things on her stride.. Your husband has no choice but to give in to his mother.. That is what he is been doing for 30 years.. He has set a pattern with his parents where he is being submissive and his parents are happy with it, and so is expecting you to do the same as him.. He is highly dependent on his parents and cannot make his own decisions..

    On the contrary, you have grown up in a relatively healthy environment and your parents have instilled feelings of love and respect in you.. So you are grown into an independent, level headed woman, UNLIKE YOUR HUSBAND..

    Your MIL is got used to taking high levels of respect from son and now is deeply upset when DIL is not giving such levels of respect.. According to her respect = giving your salary to them..
    She is playing all kinds of games like gaining sympathy on health reasons, emotionally abusing you, hurting you to gain the so called 'Respect' .. She is a bloody narcissist and can never be happy.. She has an important card with her, i.e, your husband.. She is using that card to her fullest advantage to make things miserable for you.. She is getting even more enraged when you are not giving in to psyched tactics..

    Inorder to help yourself and your husband, cut out her toxic influence on your life.. Yes, cut her out totally.. Dont quit your job and look for a full time job.. I advise you also play the same tactics as your MIL.. Like you can stop eating till your husband packs your in-laws back to India.. Use some tactic which can get your husband under pressure to send them to India.. I'm telling this, untill your in-laws leave that place, you wont find any solace..
    After that get your husband some psychotherapy or counseling , where he would realise the toxic influence of his mother on him and his wife.. Till your husband realises that dame is the root cause of problems between you both, he wont ask them not to interfere.. For this realization, your husband has to limit contact with them, only then he can see things clearly.. He sounds more like a child who'll share every minute detail of his life with his parents and overtly dependent on them..

    He has to realize this and take steps to protect you and the child.. Give him some time, so that he can evaluate his relation with his parents.. Till then work on your relation with him, as in build bonds of trust and love.. He should feel you are not after money and his mother was wrong..
    If nothing works out, give him an ultimatum that it would be better for both of you to get separated..

    All the best girl and take care of yourself..
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sandhya, I was reliving my pastlife dramas while reading your current happenings.
    How I got out of it..
    Decided never to quit job.. cos I'll be more helpless.
    Had a 1:1 discussion with DH.. he agreed to problems and we settled at mutual understanding.

    However next call with his mom he was all charged up against me and backed off all the resolving we did... and we were back to sq1.
    The only solution to such problem is ISOLATION, but it shall never work for me cos MIL a PHD in art of isolation & hence will isolate me only & she did.

    Hence I started going to temple to get some mental peace & it did work.
    Told my parents not to take any calls from them and block their mails & not to suggest me anything that I cant do.

    I recently saw the post on "Set your priorities...." being given the finest post of month award.. .so go by it.. set your priority & let the dogs bark.
     
  9. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear all,
    Thanks to each and everyone of you for your kind response. I cannot mention enough; your own stories give me more courage and your kind words soothe me greatly.

    I asked my husband to take a look at this thread; but he refused, saying he
    is not interested, and as long as I dont change, our life is doomed. My job is not the main problem now. Because his mom has chosen to harp onto other problems like my disrespect and non-conformance to family rules, my job is secondary now. I think he is afraid his viewpoint will change on reading this thread. He wants to believe his parents are right and I am a devil and refuses to read this or go to a counsellor, except if I agree for separation.

    He has threatened my parents that if something were to happen to his mom (who is supposedly in bad mental state due to me), he will see to it that that is the end of me. He has questioned them why they didnt talk to his mom on their own abt our problems (they called my mil just to enquire formally after she reached India, but she didnt speak to them nor did she call them back).

    I again told him I'll speak to his mom and dad again; he is still not satisfied and keeps saying the same things as his mother - throwing insults, asking me to separate from him and live a happy life with DD, as well as letting go of him and his family. I simply refuse.

    Still, I called them as there was some function today; my fil took the call, said he is busy and that he will speak later and cut the phone, not listening to what I said.

    I refuse to separate, because I know he can be a good husband. We have had MUCH better days. He acts as though possessed when his mom starts cribbing. He is a good and caring father. He used to be a good husband, not the perfect one, but still, loving in certain ways, as long as I didnt question their ways and obeyed them. I feel there is still hope, that this is a temporary situation which will certainly pass. I dont know how to tide over it. Still, he behaves as though he is being manipulated by his mother. They dont know what they want from me - they want RESPECT, I agree to talk to them. But they dont want that either. So, my husband, not succeeding in convincing her, has turned back against me and fights with me and asks me to go away. He refuses to meet a counsellor or read your replies. He says counselling will not change him and his opinions about family life are fixed. I told him we must both have an open mind and accept our faults and if he is stubborn, I cant help him. He says, "Then leave me"! He asks me if I am a "saniyan" (Saturn) who has possessed his family. He tells me that his family members do not like me and feel that it is better I leave him. Why should I leave because THEY (and HE too at their insistence) dont like me? I didnt get married to hop from one house to the other, nor am I a piece of luggage which can be shoved from one place to another. This is my house as much as it is his and I dont want to give up my rights.

    During our arguments, when he justified his mom's behavior, I questioned him if it is right if she says that in-laws will manage DIL's salary. He flatly denied that his mom said anything of the sort. He lies, and later, says he might have forgotten that she said that.

    He is BENT on making me go away on my own. I told him firmly I am not prepared to leave and our kid needs the two of us and I have hope he will change. He says he won't give up his parents!!

    Your responses help me evaluate my situation and will probably send some message to my husband who is very blind to my feelings and can only sympathise with his mom. I think my greatest fault is that I do not crib and play dramas like she does. Cribbing, complaining and crying to him is what makes him "understand" her sorrow, but sorry, I am simply unable to do all that. I shun the past and would like to get out of it and focus on making my life happier. I am not given to complaining by nature and that is working against me now.

    Let me answer the main questions some of you asked me, in my following post.
    Thanks!
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sandu,

    I beleive the disrespect drama will continue until either your husband would able to understand the whole situation and don't give importance to your MIL words or your in-laws should get old where they need to be dependent on you or you need to look for seperation.
    One of the things should happen to stop that drama.My MIL also crib for respect and respec but my husband never given importance to that ,so she has no way to crib more.
    The people who asks for seperation,they have really no idea what seperation and what no family means.I beleive they should feel reality what they ask for.
    Beleive it or not,I never coocked anything special for my MIL and I never given any food in plate for her whenever she visits.because I have small kids and work,so I have no other time to take care of her and she never complained about it.Becuase she stays at home and she feels she need some work for her otherwise she would feel bored.
    Does your MIL get respect from her neighbors and relatives?But I really don't know how long you can put up with this.I beleive your previous issues also just because of this respect problem.Tell that you would hire 10 people for her to give her respect from morning to night until she sleep.
    But don't plan for second kid and it will be more disaster for you unless your husband understand you and give support to you in the family matters.
     

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