in deep trouble after mil's visit

1. Your husband is an idiot

2. This is about money - your inlaws are dead-scared all that lovely money is going to go away, and this is what your MIL is doing to take control over the flow of money (telling to hubby you will kill him, you are bad etc.)

3.This is affecting your kid badly - if she constantly sees this drama, shouting, weeping, wailing, emotional manipulation, dad shouting at mom I shudder to think what her adulthood will be like - no wonder the kid is so insecure she cant adjust to playschool. Also I ahve a feeling from your earlier posts your MIL was brainwashing the kid to act up (you had mentioned she had earlier told the kid - your mom is bad becasue she leaves you and goes away to work)

4. Coming to hubby - the crux of the matter - i feel he has been emotionally brainwashed since childhood by parents to think wife is outside n parents are everything (a very common tactic among some indian parents who do this when the kid is small so that when he grows up he is so emotionally crippled and guilty, he cant do anything by himself), 25-30 years of mental manipulation is not going to go away in 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 months, it will take another 25 years for your husband to become a strong individual.

6. You have to decide if it is worth it to spend the next 25 years of your life like this with no respect for you as a human being, leave alone as a wife - and with your daughters life being spoilt.

7. If you decide to stay with Hubby, decide how you will deal with his attitude and his family's attitide over the long-term. Do you have a plan?

Take a look here to understand why your hubby and mil-fil are acting this way - girlsguidetosurvival blog on wordpress



All the best

 

Sandu,

I read your whole post. I feel very sorry for you. Your husband is a sorry and pathetic excuse for a man. You deserve A LOT better than him. And Mr. Sandu, if you're reading this, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED ABOUT HOW YOU LET YOUR BARKING DOG OF A MOTHER ABUSE YOUR WIFE LIKE THAT. Your mother is nothing but a trouble making witch and SHE will destroy any hope you have of a normal life with your wife and little daughter. Your parents are really disgusting, as are you Mr. Sandu. I can't imagine a FATHER like yourself letting his little girl be exposed to such nasty behavior and watching her mommy get reduced to tears. I would like to kick you in the balls. Maybe then you would wake up and MAN UP.

Sandu, I don't know what you should do, because I can only put myself in your situation and tell you what I would do. If I were you I would put a ban on his parents ever visiting your house again. And I would insist that my husband limit his contact with them, take total control of his own finances, and start standing up for you against his parents. If he can't do that, I would divorce him. Because girl, this isn't a marriage... it's a pile of chaos. And I'm sure you realize now it's not about your job... it's about him trying to control you and carry out his parents demands. Today it's a job, tomorrow it'll be something else... because judging from his and his parents attitude, they will always find something to criticize you on.

This might sound crude... but your husband should just buy one of those blow up doll sex toys and use that as his imitation wife during night time, and then during the day leave it out in the living room for his mom to use as a punching bag... since it seems between the two of them you are nothing but a puppet for their frustrations.

You have to decide which is worse for you.... Life with a maniac mil and pathetic husband.... or life alone. For some, life alone is the ultimate fear factor. But for people like myself, living in constant abuse would be worst of all. Please think what type of environment your daughter is growing up in. Your mil is a tyrannical beast, and your husband has proven he is NOT the knight in shining armor ready to protect you. You got to protect yourself and DD from this constant mental anguish. At this point, don't be afraid to let your friend's and family know what type of abuse is going on in that house. If something ever were to happen to you, it's good outsiders know the reality of what was going on. Life will only get better if your husband realizes that you and his DD are now his #1 responsibilities. Until that day, get ready for more of this mess. Have a frank talk and try to get him to understand his responsibilities and how WRONG his behavior has been. And I think if he doesn't see that, you'd be better off without him. JUST MY OPINION.

 

Priya, did you tell that your second bil beats his mother and prevents his wife from going outside? No one sees anything wrong with the way he is abusing both his mother and his wife? Why the other two brothers are quiet about how he beating their mother?

Regarding rest of your post, I see nothing wrong with mil wanting to cook in son's house but running of the house and taking major decisions should be dil's. Also some compassion is called for. Maybe she made mistake long back but not speaking up when she is being beaten or not wanting to help her when she is sick and elderly - I don't know, seems very vindictive to me.

Maybe elder son and your husband can work out some arrangement where mil can move closer to elder son's house and have full time maid / nurse living with her (that your hubby can pay for since he is not there physically to help her) so that she has her own house and also people to take care of her. That way, she is not being beaten / abused by second son, is not getting into fights with elder son / DIL and at the same time her needs are taken care of without trouble to any son or dil.

Just my humble opinion - forgiveness is a virtue. I know it is hard to forget past mistreatment (sometimes, i remember how i was discriminated against by my parents but let it go since they are now old and in need of help). It may be harder since she is only your mil and not mother but please do give consideration to my suggestion and please do not let her second son beat her - at her age, such physical abuse may even kill her.

 

Anuradha00,

I know ,I shouldn't combine my MIL issue here.Since you asked I am just giving you an update.
Actually we did everything whatever we could offer but nothing worked for her.Basically they are the people dont trust anyone and at the same time single penny shouldn't be wasted.if we given some money the money should be deposited in bank.That' it.
We constructed some house and my MIL kept under her control and second son given that house for rent and collecting that rent.
My MIL simply could stay there with some one help like nurse (even elder BIL given advertisement for nurse and everything)but she and her second son never wanted to work out the things.
yeah they never like to work out the things to lead a happy life.They really don't know the meaning of what is happy life means.
We tried lot of things but she don't have courage to work on those.Simply she like to hang on with her son.
Now she wanted to stay in elder son house as she need more services .
Elder son did offered finally,I don't know may be she will go there but she expect the DIL give her respect.I don't know how can DIL give respect after years of abuse.I am not sure.
Even I came to know after married only it's very hard to work out things with some families,It's not that easy at all.
I give all kind of advices how to stay her self but she never every agree to anything,it's her personality.

 

Sandhya,

I read your whole post. Hugs to you. You have managed yourself very well in this horrible mess created by your MIL. I can understand how much you went through and how hard it is to talk to senseless people. Why should you say sorry for wanting to work? Why should you say sorry for wanting financial security? The main source of your problem seems to be your so-called Husband. If he is man enough, he should speak up to his mom. He should know how to maintain peace among the ladies in his life. You have not done anything wrong. Don't apologize to your nasty MIL, don't try to talk to her if she doesn't want to talk to you. It will only make her more headstrong.

If your husband is reading this...

Mr., Why did you get married? Looks like you just wanted to get a slave for your mommy who can be bullied and treated as your mommy wishes. Are you not man enough to handle your finances and your problems on your own?? You want your mommy and daddy to keep your money safe??? Are you not an adult yourself?? Can't you manage your own money?? Can you not solve your problems yourself??? You have to call your daddy and in-laws to complain about your wife??? SHAME ON YOU!! Do you think your daughter will forgive you for mistreating her mother and letting your wicked mother torture her mother??? Don't think that your daughter is small and won't remember when she grows up. She will remember and will not respect you for your behavior. What do you expect when you try to get your daughter married? Are you going to send her as a slave to her in-laws house?? What if your daughter loves to work and her in-laws force her to sit at home?? Will you tell her that MIL's wishes are to be fulfilled even if you have to cry everyday?? "As you sow, so shall you reap". Take a moment and imagine your daughter in your wife's situation. Imagine your daughter being tortured for wanting to work. Imagine your daughter crying her eyes out for no fault of hers. Even after this you feel your mommy is right, nobody can help you. You suck as a husband and as a father.

 

Sandu,

I have never posted before on Indus ladies. I went through all your posts to get an idea of what was going on in your life. Hats off to you for not letting out your anger by just bursting out even though you have been through hell those two days before your lawyer friend came over.Like Srividya said, even my heart was beating so fast and I think my BP rose a bit reading what agony you have been through.

What are these MIL's? In which century is your husband living in? This is not the stone age where people had no education, no clothes and wandered around with leaves to cover their body or may be not even that......How could, how could he tolerate all her rubbish that she meted out to you. Even if there was a bit of truth in what she was saying, could he not have asked her to talk softly and make it a conversation instead of a one sided bull****. Did he come to this country and started working without education? Did his education not give him a little bit of maturity as to how to deal with stuff in life? I can only feel sorry for your parents for having undergone this trauma with no mistake of theirs. They do not have a clue of what is going on here and the fact that your mom kept apologising to your MIL during all this crap.. I am sorry I dont know how polite can my words be. I still have this sick feeling in my stomach reiterating what you have endured.

Sandu, you are a strong girl and you know that. All this drama, mind games or whatever that your husband is upto is entirely to gain control over you and nothing else. If you quit your job today, it is going to be the beginning of your downfall. Trust me on this. Please, please do not quit your job. You are really lucky enough to have found a good boss who atleast spares some sympathy and lets you work as per your timings. Trust me lady, rarely can people make such arrangements. I fully understand that you do not want to leave your husband or separate from him. But do you think you are in a position to sort things out between you two? Only time can tell.

Coming to your question of what to do, we all can only advise you and its upto you to decide how you wanna proceed. One thing that comes to my mind is your DD who is currently having problems getting adjusted to her playschool. Do you think you could send her to your parent's place to india for a couple of months. Not sure if you are in a position to go to india to leave your daughter right now, but may be you could ask your parents to come and take your daughter with them. This, of course depends on your financial situation. But, if you have a chance, atleast try to send your daughter with someone who might be going to india shortly. All you can now get is your parent's help and I bet this would help you the most in your current situation. Once you are able to make this arrangement, please sit down and continue working for 8 hours per week to get some time to analyse your current situation. Go over everything that has happened, feel hurt and cry all you want. Trust me, once you go through the experience of actually feeling the hurt, you would be able to move on. I have gotten this wonderful advise from this site itself. Then, with a clarity of mind, decide what you want out of this relationship and realise what you are getting. You are getting a raw deal lady, you are getting nothing. No respect, no love and come on, the basic requirement of life, no financial security that a husband would provide his wife. Honestly, if I were you, I would have walked out of this idiot of a husband's life the day your DH started the drama even after your MIL left...... I still strongly feel to advise you to do the same but I see that you want to stay with this guy. Let him know your pain. Tell him you want to work things out. Tell him you can only do it if he actually stands up for himself and behave like an adult, LIKE A MAN AT THE LEAST. Getting the wife pregnant and having a baby does not automatically make him a MAN. There are some basic responsibilities towards his own family and the kid he brought onto this earth. If he still wants to cling onto his parents, he can very well do so and not impart their craziness onto other innocent folks on this planet.

Sandu, please please think of your safety and your daughter and imagine how she would grow up in such a disturbing environment. If you give in to their demands now, your daughter is going to learn from you. Do you want your daughter to be meek and take any **** even though she knows is absolutely unjustified. Please set an example for your kid and do what you would want your kid to do if she were in your place. If talks help, talk to your husband and sort out the things that sri vidya has mentioned. Take complete control over your finances and then may be you would even think about quitting your current job.

I am still boiling with anger reading your story. I would pray for your strength and your peace. You are one patient woman and your husband definitely does not deserve you. It would have taken one second for you to lose your patience and scream back at your monster in law(MIL) and set her right with your words. But you chose to be silent and let them know that you would like to talk later and not now. God will be with you and I hope you find some light going forward. Talk to your husband for one last time, give him some reasonable options and if nothing works out, please walk out of this crazy family. You deserve better. If not anyone, atleast the mental peace. I wish you the very best in life.

sonali

 

Dear Sandhu

I read your current as well as your past posts. You have the patience and forbearance of a saint which will turn you into a martyr, and that, my dear, will do neither you nor your daughter any good, and will definitely do nothing for your mental well-being or sanity.

Here are my thoughts:

(1) Your posts do not show a single reason why you should tolerate this set-up any longer. I agree with Meena and other posters - what exactly are your reasons for staying on? They for sure are not obvious. Why don’t you live separately with your daughter, at least for a while?

(2) Can a leopard change its spots? And no, I'm not talking about you. Also, a couple of posters have asked your husband some pointed questions, way better than I ever can. But I'm sure you know the answers too as your read them.

(3) DO NOT LEAVE YOUR JOB! And do not use it as a bargaining chip. Whether you stay or leave your job should not depend on whether your husband involves you in finance matters. These two are absolutely not related!! It also seems that your job is the only thing that is positive these days. Plus it gives you alternatives, as you will see in the next point.

(4) As ASG said, it is the fear of being alone that prevents someone from leaving an abusive relationship (and yes, you are in an abusive relationship, no two ways about it). And this fear cannot be over estimated.

Although most of us see that you need to leave this relationship to stay sane and for you to start respecting yourself again (even a trial separation might suffice), unless you are convinced within yourself that you (and by this extrapolation, your daughter) deserve better, I doubt any changes will take place, even if we were to shout it from the mountain top.

My recommendation then is to work with a marriage/relationship counsellor (on your own please) to decide what your priorities are, what makes you happy, what is possible (or not), and what is it that you really want for you and your daughter. A good counsellor will not tell you what to do (unless you are in a dangerous situation) but rather, by asking you the right questions, allow you to formulate actions to take in order to remedy your situation or even to turn your life around.

(5) You keep asking if you are a bad mother, and I feel this is mainly because of what your husband says. Don’t let him tell you that you are a bad mother. If your daughter has trouble settling in at playschool, whatever, check with ladies in this forum who are experienced in this matter. Or speak to a doctor. But treat this is a separate matter, and I feel this has nothing to do with you being a working mother. Don’t let your husband brainwash you. And don’t let your MIL or your husband brainwash your daughter either, or plant ideas in her head.

Finally, speak to a lawyer re: your rights, in case of divorce (or even separation). It is good to be prepared, even if you may not end up using this option.

 

The words like truth,love,tolerance and finally forgiveness are good to read and hear and use it with people who give the same back to us....NOT WITH ABUSERS.

Your MIL and your husband are No.1 Abusers and you need not put up anymore. You should have kicked out your MIL to the end of the earth and what about your spineless husband? You want to live with him? I am sorry, but my heart is racing just reading your post. How much more you want to tolerate? Will you be awarded with a title of Mahatma or what?

Warn your husband and yes I mean WARN him that he needs to cut off all contact with his parents. No more visits, nor more phone call nothing!!!!!
He needs to discuss all finances with you. No sending money to his parents even if they are in dire situation which surely these wretched creatures will never be in. They will suck someone's blood if needed. They are capable of such things. No more thoughts of forgiveness towards them. Toughen yourself and live for yourself and your child....girl!

Only if he agrees to the above, you will live with him else call this marriage quits and be happy you did. Like peper said be prepared to separate.

 

So basically you are asking OP to become monster and survive in marriage, to become a RULER sort of.. that she asks her husband to cut ties with his parents, that he never contacts them, that if they are in dire circumstances he sends no money,

PS: You are asking OP to become ABUSER herself, one of the tests whether a person is a abuser is if he or she asks the spouse to cut all contact with his/her family members , to not help them when they need him or her.