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In Deep Dilemna Wat Options Do I Have Need Suggestions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ravioli1970, Dec 27, 2018.

  1. centsibleindian

    centsibleindian Silver IL'ite

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    @ravioli1970 so sorry to hear about your situation. Growing up, my parents were in a similar, if not worse, situation and I understand how difficult the journey is. As many people said, you NEED to let your kids understand your situation. One good thing out of my parents' difficult journey is that my sibling and I have learned to be smart with money.

    Now coming to your situation, your husband might want to try freelancing opportunities instead of full time. Does he have up-to-date LinkedIn profile? Is he trying to network with key people in target companies? How is he trying to market himself in the job market? Maybe he can connect with recruiters through LinkedIn. If he doesn't know, you help me. At this point, it's a crisis for the family, not just him.

    He REALLY needs to try hard to get a job as if his life is depending on it. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's definitely possible.

    Sit with him and list down all your current issues with Alcoholism being the main one. Ask him how you can help him to come out of it. It's very difficult to be calm when your spouse is acting irresponsibly. However, reaction to a difficult situation differs from person to person. So support him as much as you can, but never stop pushing him to make the right decision.

    Sit with your kids and go over your financial situation. Ask them what they can cut and how you can get out of the situation as a family.

    Put together a monthly budget if you don't have one. Cut out all your WANTS for a while until you have an emergency fund.

    Try savings challenges such as 52 weeks savings challenge just to get encouragement from each other (I'm a part of one for 2019). Learn more about finances, savings to up your savings. It takes determination to come out of your situation. But it's definitely possible.

    AND don't leave US.

    I hope it's helpful.
     
    lavani and BhumiBabe like this.
  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Ravioli, lets for a minute take your husband out of the equation. Bear with me while I try to articulate what I am trying to say.

    What if he is, for whatever reasons, is indisposed and cannot work? Assuming you won’t be eligible for long term benefits etc, what would have been your course of action? Think in those lines. If I were you, my first focus would be to secure an appointment with a good investment banker or even your own personal banker and walk her/him through what is happening financially at your end.

    Come up with tangible numbers. I am assuming that after all these years you have some retirement plans. Come up with a goal and with the bankers help, see what needs to be done to achieve that goal. If in the next few months you cannot afford to pay the fixed expenditure, what could be a plausible game plan to help you stay afloat, without a crippling debt. At this point, my focus would not be savings but simply a means to pay for fixed expenditure.

    I think fixing the financial issue with the financial adviser would be a realistic FIRST step vs convincing an alcoholic who is refusing to get help.

    Yes, he needs to stop drinking and yes, he needs to take a job and yes, its frustrating for you. But first things first. Deal with the practical financial problem first. You are richer than you think. A financial advisory will be able to help you come up with a game plan.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Fully paid off house is not always a profitable financial move. Like the to rent or own decision, it varies. Paying off makes sense if the interest rate is too high. If it is low enough as seems to be in the case of OP (mortgage lower than rent), then, it makes sense to have a mortgage. Some reasons against paying off are/were - losing out on interest deduction, getting pushed into higher bracket, limited liquidity to cover big expenses like extended sickness, kid wanting to study medicine/law. Paid-off house won't provide income stream such as dividends and capital gains from stocks, bonds.

    Similarly about "should have got another house by this time" -- money worth two houses tied up in real estate is risky for most people. One downturn or one earthquake will be all it takes. Missed payments, foreclosure hits credit history. USC cannot simply go to airport, park car and leave country.

    Planning for future is not more among visa holders. In any set of people (visa, GC, USC) there will be varying levels of planning savvy and foresight and plain old lady luck.

    Almost all such ventures have a huge impact on quality of life. Managing store or restaurant is 24x7 job. Maybe people on visa have limited time to make $$$ as GC wait time is long and they can have to up and return to India at any time.

    I am sure you mean well and I overall agree with the gist of your post. Just felt like responding to above points.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2019
    pinkgal, lavani, Amica and 2 others like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Ravioli, many ideas already poured in. Some random thoughts:

    Going back to work in investment - From reading your posts, this doesn't seem like a feasible idea. There has to be a desperate desire to excel in that area, make up for lost time, etc. to deal with the study, job hunting, interview, and proving your worth. As a rule of thumb - if you are going back to a profession after 15+ year gap and might be competing with people of your children's age, you have to be really really determined. A general desire to earn money, make it till retirement won't cut it.

    Telling siblings or close friends, counseling - Telling siblings is worth it if sibling is known to provide counsel that many seek and covet. If not, sibling (and his spouse) and their grown children : ) will have opinions and comments, not much tangible help. And for the rest of life, it will be brought up. Counseling - Won't work or will take very long to work. Most men won't go for it for that long. It is not cheap either and if job is not steady, will be out-of-pocket expense.

    Then how to counsel husband? You have to step back a little and examine some past choices and events. Was decision for you to stay home mutual? When things have been rocky for 15 years, why you didn't go back to FT work earlier. The stress of being the primary earner in a family with 2 kids can be enormous. And becomes worse after turning 40. Do the kids and you express gratitude for the life he has provided? Men (and women) crave appreciation of their contribution and acknowledgement of their stress.

    Frankly, in my case and that of my close friends - if husband or wife has to live in a shared accommodation in another city, that would be the turning point. College expense would get a major cut. Maybe you both want to shield children, but you have to take the decision to involve them, tell husband, and do it. He will not himself do it or agree to it wholeheartedly, but you have to do it for his sake, your sake, and his health.

    Career change after 45 - Find something that requires minimal re-training, pays reasonably well, and doesn't require to always keep current. A few people I know started a college admissions consulting business after guiding own children to college. Needs no certification but helps to have one. Certification is online. Costs $3k - $5k. Takes 6-18 months. A few links below. If there is any interest from you or others, I can write more about it (the ease, and why I didn't go for it after researching it in some depth). All study can be done online, and even the business can be run online/from home. Can find a niche audience (like above average kids not aiming for Ivies). Only thing is it won't have employer benefits such as insurance.

    Launching a College Consulting Business: Tina’s Story - Hélène T. Stelian Coaching
    College Knowledge Consulting -
    College Counseling | UC San Diego Extension
    College Counseling | UCLA Continuing Education
    College Admissions Counseling
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2019
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  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @ravioli1970

    Don’t become defensive, people who offer suggestions take their time to think..just don’t blurt whatever comes into their mind.. sometimes it goes against your perspectives and you are not in a position to accept.. after 20+ yrs of marriage, defending your husband is not wrong at all.. and I totally agree that a person in a senior management at 50 will find it hard. Let me talk about my case, when we moved out of India, we thought just a few years and the few years became a decade and the experience garnered out of India in his domain is considered null, so he will be fighting with kids a little older than my daughter for jobs..and now being in senior management can move back and get s job but we refrain to, because it means trying to establish and prove again.. so understand how it feels but that is not the solution you need right now.

    You need to have the grit to succeed not just determination..chart,plan and discuss and work as a team..

    All the best
     
    centsibleindian likes this.
  6. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    If your husband gets an offer in the gulf go for it. Just remember not to spend too lavishly. People get stuck in horrible debt traps in the UAE. But if salary is good then why not? Even if it lasts for only a year. Remember it's tax free. But he has to stop drinking. That can also put people in serious trouble. He could go alone and save a lot in the gulf. American passport holders get higher salaries than their Indian counterparts. No harm in seriously considering a good offer.
     
  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    very true. do not leave USA. you have so much benefits here which
    i totally agree with your points. just sharing my experience only . time and time again i have noticed people who lacked financial planning have suffered a lot in long term. this happened with my H whose dad did not plan anything , no life insurance and expired while he was in 2 year of college. he had to beg to his college principle shamelessly to ask for some financial help .

    also we cannot blame too, somehow just talking about financial education among friends, many become uncomfortable as if they will be kidnapped. i am talking just education part of it, not even sharing your personal wealth information.
     
  8. centsibleindian

    centsibleindian Silver IL'ite

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    tell me about it.. I get judged for writing a blog about personal finance as if I'm always behind money although I simply want to educate others about personal finance with an intent that hopefully, their kids won't suffer what I suffered during my young age.
     
    lavani likes this.
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, it's an eye opening thread. Others have provided you very valuable suggestions. If your Dh is not willing to change or listen to you, you have no other option than plan well and face it with confidence. Be open to your kids and they are smarter than you think. May be they will be able to suggest more. Believe me, this will also pass. But believe in yourself and work hard. May almighty provide you courage , drive and energy to face this tough situation. If there is a will there is a way. More strength you to be an energetic fighter against odds. Good luck
     
    lavani likes this.
  10. ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    so nice of u all to take the time out and suggest! my h never had value for $$ gre up w $ made great $ always, so never bothered to plan, wiped out our shared savings on all the job gaps and working state to state, hes drinking away as he wants to die, noone needs him etc etc his diabetes im sure is adding to the depression. i have my savings that i have built living frugally. he has found jobs over the yrs but they dont last not sure why. i cant get thru to him, im afraid we ll lose him as hes stubborn, doesnt want to see a dr, just wants to die. so irresponsible ive just left everything in GOD's hands its beyond me now
    we love dubai its close to india and it doesnt snow there just dont know of any recruiters there
     

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