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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ravioli1970, Dec 27, 2018.

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  1. Dec 29, 2018 #21
    parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Like the others said please involve your kids. They are more resilient than you think. My dad also for few years had trouble with his jobs. I was in school and knew all the trouble. I have learnt to be very careful with money ever since. Your children can also be a big moral support for you since your husband is depressed. Keep your family involved. Good luck!
     
    parvathi1980, Dec 29, 2018
    parvathi1980, Dec 29, 2018
    #21
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  2. Dec 29, 2018 #22
    ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    i totally agree w u . i have thought abt him teaching in colleges just dont know where to start! yes u r right abt ego. wen u do the right thing all ur life yes that becomes a part of who u r and its impossible to get rid of it! yes surviving on projects thats wat life has become. he should be working odd jobs in evenings to keep cash flow coming in but drinking away. so all the burden is on me. unfortunately i cant match the $ no matter how much i work not to mention providing for benefits! thanks for listening and advising
     
    ravioli1970, Dec 29, 2018
    ravioli1970, Dec 29, 2018
    #22
  3. Dec 30, 2018 #23
    ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    u r right in what u say since i grew up in a family like most of us have been priviliged enough to be my parents provided with most basics without credit cards even wen there were not sufficient funds but we didnt know abt it so my husband and i believe in that so Godwilling i hope things never go worse than this and we survive without disclosing tooo much
     
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    #23
  4. Dec 30, 2018 #24
    soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Another thing you can consider - rent out your home and move into a cheaper rented condo. I believe rent for your single family will more than cover your mortgage expenses and probably subsidize your condo rent.

    You need to talk to your husband and perhaps ask him to go for counselling. It will cost $$, but it will be $$ well spent if it gets him to his senses. Sometimes when two people are stuck in the same rut, they are not able to take advice from each other. A third party counselor or even a wise elder can drill some sense.
     
    soulful, Dec 30, 2018
    soulful, Dec 30, 2018
    #24
  5. Dec 30, 2018 #25
    ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    yes i agree indian men most of them dont believe in counseling. yes his brother can put some sense in him but he doesnt want his family to know we r struggling which i get. we bought our house years ago so mortgage is cheaper than renting! i have gone thru this several times and it seems to b mortgage free is the only solution
     
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    #25
  6. Dec 30, 2018 #26
    BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    So, I will share my perspective, as an adult (US raised) daughter to my IT professional father who is 60 now.

    Job market for this age group is tough. My father had to redefine what he is willing to do to get a decent paying job. He has taken Full time jobs in different cities, living apart from my mother, just so that he can gain experience in the new technologies. Now, he has more health problems but luckily has 3 years of experience in big data, so he's found an opportunity that is remote.

    Your children need to know the reality of the your family's financial situation. I was the sheltered 1st daughter, and didn't realize the situation until after I married- I would have done things so differently had I known. At 18 years, I measured myself against peers, thinking that I could afford the same things as my best friend - $800/month dorm, eat out twice weekly (or more), college tuition, stupid entertainment stuff.... just thinking back, I am so embarrassed really. I even took an extra semester and considered study abroad. Basically, I am sharing these intimate details because your children may feel the same, if they learned of this after and they could have done something to help out.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2018
    BhumiBabe, Dec 30, 2018
    BhumiBabe, Dec 30, 2018
    #26
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  7. Dec 30, 2018 #27
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    There is a difference between someone who has had 20+ yrs of solid experience in the field now looking for other better opportunities and someone who hasn't held a steady job in the last 14yrs.

    For someone who has the depth of experience in Service Management, since there is a big portion of client facing responsibility involved, the next logical step would be a Sales/Presales kind of role. If the person has been involved in Architecting and Deploying services etc and has worked closely with core IT people, it would be logical to go that route(managing those projects or even developing if that's an interest). For both these possibilities, if I were the person, I would highlight my long-standing experience and follow up with relevant certifications etc. Since he has studied here, he can apply for HS teaching positions. Many teachers are from the industry and they seem to bring a unique perspective to the kids.

    There are plenty of opportunities for someone who doesn't have a visa constraint. I don't think your DH is going to do anything with this information you gather. He knows all of this himself, having worked in the industry. If he wanted to, he would have changed tracks in the 14 years that he has struggled to hold down positions.

    I feel bad for you, Ravioli. This isn't easy. I think you should safeguard your situation and stop depending on your husband. I have a friend who has a spouse just like yours. He hasn't been in the same job for two years in a row for a very long time now. It puts immense stress on her. Initially, she used to go with the flow but a few years ago she got fed up. She went back to work FT as a developer and has had a steady job since then. She is now providing the kids with insurance etc. He is still flitting from job to job to job. Sometimes, he goes 5-6 months without a job and she tells me how hard it is when he's out of work. Thankfully, her job provides her with some sanctity. You should see what you can do with your qualifications. Did you also study here? If you did, you can start looking into your local school districts and find teaching positions. They tell me their insurances are bad, pay is a pittance but at least they have a steady paycheck.
     
    Laks09, Dec 30, 2018
    Laks09, Dec 30, 2018
    #27
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  8. Dec 30, 2018 #28
    ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    yes i agree with wat u r saying. i think i forgot to mention that he has been living out of state all these yrs chasing jobs since nyc didnt have any jobs for him and unemployment was running out! he cudnt deal with the loneliness while i was raising our kids alone and since he has never lived in less and is not willing to accept the reality i was managing things frugally and that is when the drinking kicked in. was coming home once a month or more, cudnt deal with the living conditons, just came back from DC which was his last project and had to rent a room which was his first, was miserable. all these yrs that i have known him, didnt drink at all, may be when hung out with his brother. i understand what he is dealing with but so am i!! we all r suffering in diff ways but we r all trying. thanks for sharing ur experiences , it gives me courage
     
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    #28
  9. Dec 30, 2018 #29
    ravioli1970

    ravioli1970 Bronze IL'ite

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    yes i understand. no i have my education from india and working in a school came from when i was raising my kids as well as providing. yes now that they r older i can do more and yes i have stopped depending on others a long time ago. i am focusing more on myself so i can manage things on my own. thank you for listening
     
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    ravioli1970, Dec 30, 2018
    #29
  10. Dec 30, 2018 #30
    YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP
    Your post is like an eye opener for me since me and my H are in IT where it is tough to find something after 50 if laid off!

    Could you tell me what different you would have done had you known that one day such situation arises..

    Me and H are living in present and not thinking of future.. not living lavishly, but not frugal either. Have 2 little kids and 25 yrs mortgage.. it gives me jitters to think of layoffs even though we have 6 months living expenses as ready funds.

    Any one else..any suggestions on how to be prepared and not downsize when such situation arises?
     
    YoGirl, Dec 30, 2018
    YoGirl, Dec 30, 2018
    #30
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