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Improving Self Esteem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    After the emotional tide had settled down, I decided I will give this marriage one more year.
    My previous post for reference.
    Meanwhile I started maintaining a dairy documenting our fights this year. Started working(on H4 EAD. I changed from H1 to H4 last year for taking break). While I don't have any saving despite being employed for 8 years, I am planning to start now.
    The problem I had identified is, my husband's anger issue, is really not a problem to him. He doesn't realize he hurts me or treats me bad. If I try to explain when he is calm, he uses my words against me.
    How do I make him understand that this is not the right way to treat a wife. That I deserve some respect.
    I talked to a therapist who is a elderly Indian lady and even she didn't have a clue on how to deal him. I talked to my parents who completely understands but don't know how to deal him. He doesn't have a clue that I am thinking about separation. Even if he does, either he cries and does emotional blackmail or throws me out of the home in anger.
    Meanwhile, I identified that my self esteem is all time low. I feel so scared to take any decision. I am confused over petty things. No clarity in thinking. How do I improve on these things. Because of all these issues, I give up and agree to apologize for things which are not really mistakes.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    For a while - talk less, write more. Discuss less, write more. Less discussion means less accusations, less arguments, and less pointless tears, anger. Maintaining a diary is good, but documenting only the fights is a bad idea. You are reliving them, even thinking about separating, then giving it one more year, while he does not know all this. Write down all feelings, document the positive parts of each day also. Clarity will follow. You will gain more perspective.

    Give it a try - talk less, write more. Do it for at least three weeks consistently. Then, you will be in better mental shape, will think more coherently, and can decide how to go about the year.
     
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  3. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    If you will go to change other person then only disappointment can be the result. To change something change yourself. Strengthen your inner capacity of not getting affected. Stay positive and busy with your life and give it most of the importance. Other person exist after you even if he is your husband. Go out take a break meet friends and do whatever you like to.
     
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  4. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    I know it is very tough what @Rihana asked you to do. But I guess that's the best that you can do at the moment.
    I understand your disappointment in your husband. I also get that after all the sacrifices that you made or the love that you showered at him, he does not even have the decency to acknowledge that he could be wrong and that he hurts you.
    I get that op.
    but please understand that men are weak creatures. They don't have the strength to love someone and that too with minimum conditions attached. We women on the other hand love whole heartedly with very minimum conditions such as expecting little love and respect in return .
    But that's how things are for at least 95%people around or so from what I have understood from. So my advice is you just go into your shell. Keep your interactions, communications, expectations and hope to the minimum. Just introspect.
    Just focus on your well being. You have got just one life and you decide how you want to live it. What's worth fighting for and what's not.
    Don't dwell into past fights and don't bottled your emotions. Vent here. We are listening. But no need to get emotional. Just identify the answers. You are blessed with a kid. He needs a very stable mom. Be that for her.
    Be a role model for her and cheer up.

    S
     
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  5. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Throws you out of the home in anger ? That is very concerning to me . Are your kids witnessing this ?

    He needs anger management therapy . Put your foot down and insist that he does start therapy. Involve his parents if he listens to them. Please take care.
     
  6. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    That's really concerning....
     
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  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Adding to what Rihana has said above ...
    Do not think of your deliberations as decisions. That can come later. Just treat it as an exploration of options. Make a roadmap for every path that is open to you along with an ordered to-do list and pros & cons for each. You do NOT have to act on any of it, not yet. Defer the decision-making. This exercise will bring a measure of clarity.

    If you don't know where to start, read something like this to grease your mental wheels:
    Smart Choices: A Practical Guide to Making Better Decisions
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Does your husband know you are giving this marriage one last year. If he does not know,why will it effect him?
    Does he know you had to go for therapy because of him ?

    Op...his behavior like throwing you out in anger is not just abuse it is dangerous. Please do find out numbers of women helpline and let this monster know you will call them if he ever dares that again.
     
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

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    Hello @ILUser07

    I remember having low self-esteem and even questioning my ability to take care of my child.

    1. Talk to your old friends - You haven't always had low self-esteem. There was a time had your life together and you were happy. Try to revisit that by talking to old friends. You don't have to talk about your current life problems, you just have to remember how strong you used to be.
    2. Make new friends - You are working, so try to make friends outside of your family circle. While I was at home, i had trouble making friends, because I became my own worst enemy, but since I started working, I would find friendly faces in my workplace, and at least one of them has become a real close friend.
    3. Write your feelings - I felt isolated frequently since none of my close friends lived close, and I was actually ashamed of the way I was dealing with my personal life. I started writing in a personal journal called Penzu (there is also a phone app), so I can post thoughts whenever I needed to. This really helped me process my feeling, and let go of the anger I had toward my husband. This log also helped me realize how frequently I felt badly about my relationship.
    4. Workout and self-care - Part of my self-esteem issues stemmed from health problems. I felt like I couldn't take care of myself or my son. (I have frequent migraines and wrist pain) Make it a point to begin a routine. If this just means 10 minutes of stretching in your closet before going to work, do it! Make yourself some goals to increase your body image. If you can join a gym, you would be even better off. I can't see how your husband would oppose you on that.
     
  10. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with you guys and after reading the posts of IL, now I know that I am in a abusive relation. But I am still not in a state of mind to separate right away, call helplines/911. I think no one else in the world realizes the need of his anger management therapy. I know its high time to keep my foot down and give an ultimatum. But what next. When I think about the consequences, I really get scared and feel its better to stay calm till his rage settles down. Once he calms down he acts as if nothing has happened and I don't get the courage to discuss as it might trigger him again.
    Atleast 2-3 times a month, he is shouting at me. It might be my mistakes that trigger him but his reaction will be as if I committed some crime. Here are some examples
    1. I served him lunch and dressing up my kid to take him for doctors appointment. Brown rice is not cooked properly. Its hard. He started shouting that I should be there while he is eating. That I didn't check if the rice is cooked or not.
    2. We had to go to a get together. He doesn't get ready till last minute and he doesn't help in dressing up kid or packing things. Once he is ready he doesn't want to wait even for few seconds. He shouts at me that I am still arranging last minute things, slams the door and goes to the car. It is just a matter of 2 minutes waiting.
    3. Tea prepared is not up to standards or not hot enough or there is no foam on it or there is a layer formed on top while he is in restroom.
    4. I forgot to do what he asked me to. Like giving him buttermilk. I just get carried away with other work.
    And this list is endless.
    If I try to talk to him when he is calm, he just says "I know that you are trying to say that everything is my fault and you didn't do anything. I will be a bad man and no one will get to see what you are doing. "
    He says he tried many things to control his anger and he is not feeling good about himself. He says I don't want to change myself.

    If I keep all this aside, my mom says I am not confident while talking. I lost confidence in myself and started doubting myself if I am capable of anything. Even for simplest thing like deciding what to make for dinner or choosing a date/time for doctor appointment or buying something - I am not able to make a decision without confirming with my husband that he is ok with it. It might be because all my mistakes are shown under magnifying glass. I get so nervous when I have to decide and tell something(like if Dh asks when do you want to start at home?) I want to be confident, assertive and strong. I started working after 1.5yrs break and want to secure some savings(which again I don't know how).
     

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