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Impact of your childhoon in your marriage and kids upbringing.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by veditha09, Sep 27, 2010.

  1. veditha09

    veditha09 New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    Just wanted to learn from others experiences about their childood and how it has affected/affecting now in their marriage life after seeing their parents or neighbours or relatives and how we are with our spouse and what we are teaching the kids as role models and how is the impact of everything on the kids in the present.
    This was there on my mind from a long time and was wondering whom to ask.
    IL's is the best platform for such personal queries.
    To make it more clear.

    As a daughter :
    When I was a kid at the age 0f 13 - 14yrs. My mom told me that my dad is having EMA with someone and there were many fights though cold war as my mom never fought back or made a big issue.My dad is dominating.
    Once she did and she was left outside the house with kids inside.
    I hardly remember anything as i never imagined anything like that except in the movies.
    My dad never said anything about it and used to act normally with us.
    But mom as she is not having anyone to share had to vent out her frustration with kids especialy my elder brother and me the last one.
    But eventually brothers moved out of the house for further studies and i was stuck at the house and the whole time i watched her how much pain she was going thru. he staying away from the house for many days without any explanation,etc.And I used cry a lot at school without any reason.
    As a wife:
    I had gone thru a lot with In-Laws in the initial years but now I am in US with hubby from 10yrs. So no issues.
    Hubby is just the best I can say.No complaints at all.
    But what I have observed is in my childhood there was a sudden change in our lives when I was 13yrs.
    So now I keep counting my daughter's age who is now 11yrs old and keep calculating for no reason that another 3 yrs. or 5 yrs. I will lose the charm and will I go thru the same as my mom.
    I don't know why I do this but i feel very in secured regd. this.
    Though my DH thinks that i am the most beautiful or prettiest. But somewhere in my heart i keep counting the days.It is just a feeling that comes to my mind.
    As a Mother :
    We never fight in front of the kids.Actually we don't fight at all but for day to day silly complaints like fans are on or laundry not done very minor issues he yells or just tells me.
    Sometimes I am quite and sometimes I talk back which I never used to do but now after 14yrs. of marriage i cannot keep my mouth shut all the times.
    So sometimes when he complaints or when he gets annoyed i show my frustration by not getting angry or hitting her but I just share my side of the feelings about that particular complaint or issue which i don't whether it is reasonable to share with her and I don't know if this is right.
    But I really hate this behavior of mine as eventually she will prepare herself the same way and do the same thing to her daughter.
    My DH never says anything -ve about me to anyone not to his parents not to my daughter.
    I feel very guilty about my behavior behind his back.

    So just wanted to know how the ladies have learned good and bad from their parents how it is affecting them in their married life and what kind of an example are they setting to their kids.
    Please kindly share.
    Veda
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Your DH is not a copy of your father , so relax . Similarly neither is your DD a replica of you . She is living in a different environment and is a different person. She will have a different set of experiences.
    Yes childhood experiences have a deep impact on our lives. If a person has grown up watching DV , verbal abuse at home then he/she has a tendency to do the same as its considered normal.
    Similarly if one has never been abused then even one incident is too much.
     
  3. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

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    Vedita , I can understand that the past trauma has created a mark , a fear of the same to be repeated ...
    But whatsoever , I am sure things will be fine , whenever you start counting years , just say to your self , "STOP IT"

    I am telling you this because you are unecessarily trying imitate your past now ..and you will be creating it , no one else only you, beware of it and just Say "STOP IT" when you go into that loop of thinking the past..

    Else you are having a very happy life.ENJOY IT DEAR...
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Veditha, Every person is different. Try to remove the fear that your husband will leave you. I know where you are coming from...It is but natural for you to feel insecure.
     
  5. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Wrong. Good you realized. Allow your kid to be a kid and let her enjoy her days.

    Forget your past. You have a happy life..so ENJOY! :)

    An idea to come out of your past: Whenever you remember the past incidents or feel insecure, immediately shift your focus to something you like. Ex: I fix 15minutes time to clean something in my house when I think about the past sad happenings. Works for me.
     
  6. veditha09

    veditha09 New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Thank you for taking out the time in replying.

    Actually I am aware of the fact - what is going on and what needs to be done.
    My main purpose of this thread is not about me or my family but to know about the grownups memories about their childhood which they still remember till now.
    So I explained the three phases of my life for you to understand and reply about the personal experiences that one has gone through.
    What kind of things do you remember from your childhood ?
    What still bothers you and whether it is effecting your married life or in kids upbringing ?

    Thanks,
    Veda.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Whether research proves it or not....Whether some one agrees or not! This is what I have observed so far...!! Real Life Observations.

    When you take siblings from the same family, one grows out to be a mature and understanding person and the other messes up their entire life . Basically its not about what we saw in our childhood, If both siblings see the same thing during the childhood in their house, why does one look at it as ": What shouldnt be done!!" and why the other looks at it as " This can be done, no biggie!!".

    So its more about attitude and approach than what we see in our childhood. Havent you seen a man who doesnt put his wife n kids as first priority (lets his parents dominate his wife and life) but a woman i.e the mans sibling should have put her family and husband ahead of everyone i.e her parents/siblings.

    If we take our childhood experiences, they should actually make us learn lots of things rather than point those experiences as the reason for teh current nasty behaviour. People shouldnt try to find out what they can BLAME! Rather they have to take that experience as a learning and say THIS IS WHAT I am not supposed to do.
    Many of them find reasonings like THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS in my parents house, so instead of putting that reasoning , why not ask, how does other families tackle differences? does every father beat up every mother? does every mother take it silently? is it right to even beatup someone?

    So this shows whether the boy is willing to see the other side instead of finding a reason i.e childhood experiences to blame.
     

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