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Im Feeling Very Depressed And Angry. Please Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indubalram, Sep 5, 2021.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Indu,
    I see you have posed two different questions. First about how upset you are because your h didn't take you to the anniversary party and now you are actively wondering about separation. I will deal with each separately.

    Regarding your initial upset and depression, I just wanted to tell you to cheer up. Please don't be upset and don't be depressed. You have not done anything wrong, you have not hurt anybody nor done a wrong action. So why should you lose your peace of mind? So first calm down and take a deep breath. What happened is not good, but it says more about your husband than about you. It's about him not you. So for you to take this to heart, and beat yourself over the head with means somehow you are blaming yourself for what happened. And that doesn't make sense does it? So dont be mad or upset. Try to create a space mentally in your mind, where you are able to see clearly that this is his mistake.
    Honestly speaking, Indu, this is how men are. In my life my brothers, male cousins, uncles and even my better half - all wonderful, intelligent, smart, good providers - and all of them, without fail, every once in a while, do something like this, something so stupid, so dumb, so thoughtless, so inconsiderate that I (or their wives and daughters) are left gasping in shock. I really don't know what happens to them every once in a while, does their brain shut off or what? And you know what, when confronted and their action clearly explained, without fail what they ALL say? Shamefacedly, shifting from one foot to the other, red faced, they all mutter. 'Sorry, I didn't THINK!' 'Oh, I didn't KNOW.'
    I think this is why all those books about men being from a different planet are so popular. You and I, in fact we women would never do such a thing, it is hard-wired in us. If there is a function, we cannot even dream of enjoying without our loved ones close by. But I don't know what happens to these men once in a while to make their rational brain function shut off. But in one form or the other, at some time or other, this kind of thing has happened to all of us, do rest assured. You are not unique.

    Your second question is whether you should separate. Honestly this is something you need to decide for yourself, but right now when you are extremely upset and emotional is not the right time.
    First I suggest you calm down and allow some time and distance between this event and your hurt to elapse. And I also suggest your defer the actual decision by a few months. In the meantime, try to do some things for yourself in terms of self renewal. Physical exercise, even going for a walk is great for clearing the brain. If you are religious, then doing a daily chant or listening to some weekly spiritual lectures can bring some mental peace.
    I personally found meditation very useful to understand what's going on with me. You can start with ten minutes a day. There are several threads here and an ongoing one where people log their input you can join. I suggest you keep a journal and immediately write down any insights you encounter. You will be amazed at what all deep thoughts and realizations come up. And I recommend you keep a gratitude journal for a few months. Write down 5 positive things that happened every night. I tried this last year during what felt like a dark dark time (pandemic and being shut in was driving me crazy) and it really really helped me realize I was magnifying the negatives while discounting the positives. Your own journey will be different but for sure what you realize will open your eyes. After a few months take stock and you yourself will know what you should do. Best wishes!
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2021
  2. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    this is very very valid point OP. From @Laks09 madam. Read it again and think.

    Slow down before you write. think more and write.

    Slow down. 6 pages. you have not given proper background, and then random inputs are coming. Trust me all inputs are very good, but they are as good as your input.

    You might want to start a new thread, giving a brief background. Then i feel you will have inputs on what you want to do . Reply and Act.

    I understand spouse is no good, but even the details given buy OP are not detailed enough too. just like that bashing spouse there is no solution. my DH scolds me if i come in middle of his work for silly things, does not mean i split. Details are needed.


    1 thing is clear. You need therapy for some months.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2021
    Laks09 likes this.
  3. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Silver IL'ite

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    Ofcourse dear here we are all like q family and friends,but we don't know eachother personally,u need someone to talk openly and share your stress so you wil get relief,and u wil be calm and if your daughter is k with the divorce and you think it wil give you peace in life move ahead,u onl know how far you can adjust with him
     
  4. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    If u pull my old threads you will understand my personal details. I have explained in detail.
     
  5. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks so much for taking time and replying. This really meant a lot to me. Makes me feel better. I will do the above 2 points. Thanks
     
    1Sandhya likes this.
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    It is ( #1) is an ongoing issue. In 2013, also he did the same.
    Why is my husband doing this. What should i do?? Repeating the same in 2021.

    OP, you are the best judge of your life. Every one have only one life. Do whats best for you.
    If you cant talk to any real life friend, find a counsellor (someone who can understand Indian background, if possible). You need to vent and flush out the negativity from you. You need to detach from him and gain confidence. That will help you to decide whats good for you. Please love yourself and takecare of you.Take control of your life into your hands.
    Wishing you a peaceful, healthy and happy life.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2021
  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @indubalram,

    There is subtle difference between one intentionally and willfully doing certain act as opposed to doing it with no motive in a casual way. I classify your husband's action could be due to the following reasons:

    1) He did it genuinely because he thought wives are not invited (Lack of inquiry - Peripheral - Level 1)
    2) He is punishing you as a reaction to something he carries in his heart (Dissent - Secondary - Level 2)
    3) He was not comfortable taking you to the events due to his own mental aberrations (Rejection-Chronic-Level)
    4) He was not happy about you meeting someone in the organization (Intentional - Acute - Level 4)

    Unless, the reason is for 3 or 4 above, you can only communiate your unhappiness and no further action makes sense. 3 & 4 shows problem to the marriage and requires immediate confrontation with him resulting in decisive actions. Under no circumstances, you should get depressed or emotional on this as clear and uncluttered mind helps you understand the reasoning behind his action much better.

    The two questions you have raised get connected only if the reasons are due to 3 or 4 above which requires immediate attention. But before you do anything, you need to calm yourself down, focus on finding the real reason for his action and once you learn that, you should either let go or take action based on your conclusion.

    I wish you very best.
     
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  8. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for that detailed analysis. He did say that he was not aware that wives are invited. But it’s hard to believe. He invites me to the party only when he wins an award. And even he calls me there he wants to sit alone. He gets very stressed. While returning back from that award function he hit his head with the medal in the middle of the road and he started to bleed. I told my daughter about this and he straight away denied it. The whole thing was stressful for me!
     
  9. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    ok for argument sake you move. who will pay for rent, medical insurance, car commute, groceries. again details

    you have lived how long in marri
    I don't read past threads. Sorry.

    However in my best interests, you need therapy. Your self esteem and self care is not healthy.
     
  10. malathivenkat

    malathivenkat New IL'ite

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    hi friend,
    i dont think u should come out of the house. u should talk with your husb first, and try to make him understand. im sure he will listen to u.
     

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