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Im Confused With My Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sobha_guna, Apr 16, 2020.

  1. sobha_guna

    sobha_guna New IL'ite

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    Hello ILmets,

    My marriage is a love cum arranged marriage,i have two daughters 8 and 3 currently we are living in Canada i am the only daughter of my family.Now coming to the problem my husband is an extreme person we had personal problems because of my in laws then we thought of moving to a different country after coming here everything was fine but my friend started becoming close to my husband she always prefers him over me while conveying messages when I try avoid going to there house my husband always force me to visit them over weekend .
    After few years we thought of buying a house i clearly said we should not buy near there house but my husband compelled to buy in the same community saying its a very good area bla bla then we moved to this house after coming here every weekend he will force to go to there house or he will make me to invite them to our house it was so bothering me he is not value my interest he always says as u r only daughter you don’t know to mingle with others and he will always try accuse for one or other things from the day1 of my marriage he will make me guilty he will always give false accusations about me he has a different face to others so no one will believe me including my own family.

    One day when we had a sleepover my friend went to her house as her husband was not feeling well so my husband went to drop them the next day when we meet she told that my husband hugged her to console her that was so shocking to me ,because my husband don’t have these habits then i try asking him he said it was a casual hug nothing intentional then as usual he trapped me you started doubting on me thats not good for our relationship and so on he created a big drama and plotted me i just kept calm as i have two daughters and i am financially dependent on him ( i was working in india, after coming here to take care of the children i left the job) .

    Everytime he is betraying me I couldn’t take it my health is started becoming very bad. I couldn’t concentrate on any work i am feeling like my life is becoming a hell . He will not celebrate my birthday or anniversary if i ask him what did u achive this will be his question.

    Now my friend had an accident from that time he is visiting her almost every two days and he will say i had my dinner there then when I questioned him he started saying because you are not going yo job you’re becoming a psychopath.

    Sometimes i feel like I should runaway only gor the sake of my daughters i am living but i have to say one thing he is an excellent father for my daughters he love them a lot so do mu daughters how to deal With my life .I doubt whether my husband cheating on me ? I am looking for a job because of five years gap i am not getting any due to current situation I couldn’t go to any class as well .

    Thank you
     
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  2. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP
    If you are uncomfortable to visit this friend or inviting this friend to your home,you need to tell this to your husband and stick on to it.Make plans for your kids when this invitation comes.If your husband visits them ,ask your kid to go with him.Nagging to your husband or complaining to him will not work.I did that with my H and failed.Doesnt yield any result.

    As soon as covid situation is over,look for jobs even if it's entry level position or less pay.
    Reduce your contact/avoid this friend so that she will get a message.
    It may be a just casual friendship,but if you feel miserable stay away from this getogether.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your doubts seem to be valid
    Dont invite her anymore for sleepovers.
    Get a job.
    Avoid get togethers. Act sick or make plans for your kids.
     
    sobha_guna and SinghManisha like this.
  4. sobha_guna

    sobha_guna New IL'ite

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    Sure..Thank you
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with others above. Dont fight over it. Behave normal and watch. If something going on,then they start to hide if you nag him.

    Have you ever talked to your friend on this? Like you wish her to contact you than your dh.
    Do you have any solid evidence on their affair? Is it a friendship or affair. Thsts what you need to find out. Behave as if nothing happened . Explore it.

    If it's just a friendship, why this make you insecure? Is there any other issue in your marriage? If she is getting more comfortable with your dh neglecting you how can you call her a friend? Avoid her. Dont invite or go for get togethers or sleep overs ( is this for kids? I dont understand why she should go for when her dh was not feeling well)

    If you are 100% sure that its affair, you can contact her husband anonymously with evidence ( eg: a fake email id) and inform about it. Anyway, watch and see. Be smart and use your brain.You need solid evidence before accusing anyone.

    Its important to define boundaries in any relationship.Try to be independent in all aspects. Also build your own friends circle, so that you can use that excuse to avoid this lady. Also find other activities to get busy.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
    Sunshine04 and SinghManisha like this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Even if your husband and the lady are friends, you have a reservation about their interaction and your husband should respect that. Friendship at the cost of marriage and wife’s peace of mind ?
    Ddream is right about gathering evidence. No point fighting now, gather evidence and go from there. Like everyone else that has responded to this post, my suggestion will be to get a job. Look up online courses , update your skills.So even if it happens to be a affair, you have the choice to move on .
    It’s time for you play smart.
     
  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    I live in a community with lots of desis. I never see any man visiting another house and having dinner- there, on a regular basis.
    Your worries are valid. But what to do about it? If he agrees to a affair, what will you do? Do you plan to leave the house or ask him to leave? Can you stay alone? First work on some self-sufficiency and then tackle this problem. In the mean time, show your unpleasantness to the woman- when no one is around.
    Definitely, cut her out of your mind and life. You cannot force anyone else to do the same. No invitation to your house, do not go there.
    Do you have a group- of relatives on phone or friends here, the group has husband also? Whenever, the opportunity arises, say that-he eats out every day for dinner- at a friends place-jokingly.
     
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    first of all remove fear and insecurity from your mind. Even if you are financially depandant on your husband you are not less or you don’t have to tolerate non sense. You confront him how he will feel if you do same. Tell him how much his behavior is hurting you. Warn him you will talk to your friends husband about this. Be bold and confident. You should tell this lady openly. Your husband will show tantrums for few days but his craze will fade soon. Put your foot down rather than loosing your health. Don’t fight or nag just collect proof. This phase shall pass soon.
     
    heron and KashmirFlower like this.
  9. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    Why is your friend trying to be friends with your husband. This sounds crazy to me. A good friend would never do that and she would maintain that distance. I do have few friends at office . I would never even go with my friends husband in if ber evenabsence there is grave need of me for transport issues. Is your friend single or married?
    From next time you go along with your husband. I do not prefer the idea of sending your kids as even they feel what their dad is doing right or it might happen that they get comfortable with her.
     
    Sunshine04 and KashmirFlower like this.
  10. sobha_guna

    sobha_guna New IL'ite

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    We are group of friends so I don’t want to ask her because someway or other everyone will get to know..I accept the fact of friendship even all these years I thought the same but she is sharing every single topic to him not to me that’s what makes me feel uncomfortable.My married life with my husband is not good it has rough patches only for the sake of my daughters i am living with him . Its a long story i had accepted many things but I couldn’t tolerate this nonsense aswell.
     

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