IL's visit - a vent

rkarunak · Aug 6, 2013

I have not yet read the post. I will read it now, just wanted to share that I thot, ILs meant IndusLadies!

rkarunak · Aug 6, 2013

You are managing quiet well!! continue the same and vent here now and then!!

radhaparth2000 · Aug 6, 2013

Dear OP,

I live with inlaws evr since I am married. My inlaws do all the good things you mentioned, takes care of house hold stuff end to end. Only work I have is go to office and get back home. Having said that inlaws come as a package, they too have mood swings, praise their daughter, their son is the best husband son-in-law in the world.

Initially I used to get irritated, but if I put myself in her shoes, if there is no cooking or household chores she gets bored a lot. There is hardly anyone around for her to talk as we both work. FIL is busy with his own work. So best way to tackle is take the good part and ignore the bad part. Do the below and see if it makes any difference, it worked forme

1. Praise her cooking, tell her you want to learn things from her.
2. Get her favourite stuff when you get back from work. My MIlL loves sweets and chocolates, I get them for her twice a week.
3. Once a month we both go shopping she loves that week.
4. I cook surprise meal for her sometimes.
5. Call her once or twice from office and have short 2-3 minute chat.

Finally remember its not only you who is adjusting, even they are. New country, new lifestyle is certainly difficult for them to adjust too. Enjoy this pampering phase

beanstalk · Aug 6, 2013

All in all, this trip is going really well. NO major stressors. Enjoy!!!

DramaQueen · Aug 7, 2013

i can relate to a lot of things that eatpraylove and others have written.. but ofcourse its not easy to implement a lot of it.. in the heat of the moment when ILs do or say something , it just breaks ur heart to see all the effort you put it in the relationship going in vain.. they are not bad.. they are good.. my mom says they are so much better than a lot of "north Indian" in laws.. maybe she is right..but its the poking into the things i make in the kitchen .."arey aise kyun kiya" "arey waise kyun nahi kiya" "arey aise banana chahiye tha" etc etc blah blah... plus my MIL is super stingy! imagined once she went to shop for veggies from a nearby store and did not bring back the onions becoz the guy was selling it 4 rupees higher than the normal rate!!.. i mean WTF!!! seriously!! why!! and you've come to bbay to stay with us.. what kind of rates do you expect in bbay.. everyone know the std of living here is so damn high.. imagine my DH knows his own mom so well that once when we were coming back from a mall , he told me to hide a clutch I'd purchased inside my purse to avoid MILs Qs.. why should this be the approach?!!
my other issue is fromt he time ive got married to my DH last year.. every alternate month my MIL or sometimes both MIL and FIL have been coming over to stay with us. My BIL already stays with us.. I was hoping he would move out if his marriage gets fixed..like he'll rent a property or something but he didnt.. infact he got his wife to this same house last december after marriage.. can you believe it!! and the new bahu didnt come alone in Dec.. she got MIL and after few days FIL with her.. and they stayed here for 2 full months!!! can you imagine.. in a 2 bhk in bombay.. 6 ppl living like that? all cramped! so much so that my sex life did not exist in those months because my DH didnt like parents sleeping in the hall on a sofa cum bed.. and they onviously wouldnt sleep int he new bahu's room.. so my DH asked them to sleep in our room.. on the bed.. while both of us put gaddas in the same room on the floor sandwiched between 2 cupboards.. they have a goddamn huge bungalow where ILs stay but I dont know why they did this to us back then.. imagine for the new bahu! and how old was my marriage?? 10 months? MIL has been here every alternate month for 15 days 20 days..30 days.. and its not that we dont go to visit them.. but this over exposure gets on my nerves.. i feel such relations are best maintained when you are at a distance from each other!! its so so so annoying..

sweetshreya · Aug 7, 2013

I can clearly see my future in your post, EPL. And looking from a third person's point of view, it feels that there are no major issues. I hope I can maintain the same feelings when I'll be on the receiving end. :hide:

EatPrayLove said: ↑

Good stuff: I'm not sure whether my MIL will do household chores or not. I don't expect her to. But she may, to impress her son on how efficient she is.

Bad stuff:

Singing SIL's praise: I wish my parents would also bore my husband about how good my brother is. I am going to instruct them. In fact I myself plan to praise him whenever I can in front of MIL. See if you have the same option.

Frequent mood swings: It is possible that they get bored by sitting at home all by themselves throughout the day. After all it can be lonely in the foreign country. Its OK as long as they don't blame you directly. My PILs are going to face the same. Difference between you and me is that, I'll be at home too and would be expected to entertain them. Dreadful.

Random taunting remarks: 'Ignore Ignore Ignore' is the only mantra.

2.FYI: DH and I cut out any and all PDA since their visit and he stopped calling me with any pet names and all that is restricted to our bedroom. We do this too, because MIL hates it and goes ballistic if I even as much as touch her son.
In normal days, I'm the clown in the house. I tease DH relentlessly, pull his cheeks, ruffle his hairs, etc. But when they are present, I stop. So my problem is DH complains that I don't act normally in their presence. And it becomes a matter of discontent between us.

5. Anything fun and adventurous is dangerous. :rotfl Can't blame them. They are old and have never seen these things.

6. How my dresses are a tad too tight and how black is a tottally unauspicious color -(not that I pay heed to any of these though).Best thing to do

7. When DH comments on how nice a person SIL's husband is - MIL praises her SnIL looks, dresses, even figure continuously and wants me to do the same. SIL even complained once, "Shreya never praises my husband." Reason: DH and BIL are same age. How can I feel comfortable in praising the looks and features of some 'paraya aadmi'? But they don't get it :bonk

9. He always wants to be in charge and cribs that he is unable to do so, MIL does that...

10. He keeps asking questions about anything and everything - Again MIL does that. Judges everyone by their salary. It is revolting. But not my problem.....

11. According FIL, MIL has extrasensory powers. Hmmm MIL feels the same about herself. If you want to survive, accept it, no other option. Trying to point out her failures will get you negative points. Just keep nodding. That is what I do.

13. They have been showing such intense favoritism to the deity that is primary for their subsect and very very very slyly hint that the other is inferior or the other doesnt have rich literature or history! Wow !! And I thought it happens in our family only !!! Funniest thing is their their primary deity is Lord Rama and ours is Lord Krishna. (I know I know, both are the same.) And yet, dear MIL manages to find something to differentiate :bonk

If there's anything you guys think that would help me face the next 3 months with energy, I am all ears.
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Don't worry dear, you will survive them and will become inspiration to people like me. :thumbsup

raji2678 · Aug 8, 2013

Just enjoy their stay..and quietly laugh at the funny things. Plan temple outings of their favourite diety regularly.

silvertulip · Aug 11, 2013

They are coming for 3 months, not for their whole life! Ignore the bad part to the extent possible, and enjoy the good part. U will be free in 3 months again!