ILs /DH obsessed with having boy baby since it carries their lineage

seekingpeace · Jul 18, 2011

Sorry for the loong post!!

Brief history

Me and DH visited ILs in March or Feb (this year) when we were jovially discussing about babies and MIL&FIL said they wanted boy while I was saying tat I wanted a girl..MIL was saying boy is "vamsam" ( carries family lineage) and not girl...so I was saying what they will do if its a girl ( casually)..

MIL: then 2nd must be a boy ( they themselves decided tat I willhave a 2nd baby)
ME: What id 2nd is also a girl.. ( said this joikingly)
MIL: then 3rd will be a boy
ME: how willu know what is 3rd is also a girl..we can never decide on these things...
MIL: If 3rd is also a girl..then we will go for abortion...
ME: ( I was too shocked at this reply and replied somehting like..I will not come or something silly)
MIL & FIL: u wont understand the need for a boy..u will udnerstand later..blah blah blah...
ME: was silent and left the topic

That night we left for our city and i was extremely angry at their thinking and that DH didnt say anything..he was present during this conversation..that night i started crying and when DH asked why I asked
if he will also want abortion if its a girl..he said no and that his parents were joking and to prove his point called his parents and said ..she is crying coz of what u said playfully ..after hwich it became a full blown fight btwn ILs and DH..as DH was supporting me asking them " how can u talk abt abortion to her..etcetc..)..anyways this fight went for 1 week and in between for 2 days he was also fighting with me saying they are right and i stood my ground saying : my child, i will have 100% right, no one can decide my child's future ..

All this when I was not pregnant and we were not trying to conceive a baby...

PRESENT

Now, after that incident whenever baby topic comes, this issue comes and DH says that ILs are right saying that we cannot grow 3 kids in this time with out finance etc..DH always says no more than one kid no matter
boy or girl..but he also says his parents were right...

So we used to avoid this topic as this always led to fight...and ILs always taunt saying that we had a dream of u having a boy ( to DH ) many times in front of me or something like..when are u gng to give us a pillai ( meaning boy in tamil)..at times i correct saying..it can be either at times i ignore since they are doing deliberatley..

Now, today, me and DH were going through his laptop when i found a document called "conceive" in his sys..asked him to open and he opened and in it were techniques to have a boy/girl.when i asked him why this is required and we shud not follow any of this an dlet fate decide, he was like, i need a boy, i will follow this, and the reason for him having a boy is " i need my lineage..everyone will want a boy only, no one will want a girl"..this led to fight and i ended saying "have whatver baby u want..if u can be pregant not with me" and he said " if u have a kid, it will be boy, else no kid" and I said" i will not have any kid then"...few more nasty words exchanged and now silence...

Why are some ppl obsessed with having a boy?
I have also pointed out to him that his grandparents are being taken care of by his Mother's sister and not by his mother's brothers..in fact my MIL is 3rd daughter and last born in her family..having been a daughter, how can she talk like this...told DH MIL wudnt be born if her parents thought like this...

Have any of u faced htis? How did u handle this? I cannot imagine i married someone who thinks like this...if i knew bfre,, i seriously doubt if i wud have married him..i hate ppl who think like this..

I also think ILs are again talking to him abt all this nonsense because of which he is thinking like this..till the first time my ILs spoke abt htis..DH didnt have any preference and we never used to argue abt this..infact i never had any preference but now bcoz of ILaws and DH thinking am strongly opposed against a baby boy ..

Have decided that i wont have a baby as long as DH is thinking liek this..dont care abt what ILs think..but am sure that thy will try to find out whr i have a boy/girl when i get pregnant or do some pooja or something to get a boy...wanted to have a baby this year but due to them i dont think i will have for another year or two till DH thinks properly...

spuppala · Jul 18, 2011

Hey Amin,

Cool down dear..I can understand the pain what you are undergoing being surrounded by such people.It is like killing our inner soul.It is no wonder your ILs wanted you to give birth to a baby boy ..as it is the same story which has been happening for ages.But what wonders me is the change that came in your DH.Ok no matter what..dont feel bad and hurt yourself for these nonsense talks and thoughts.and one thing dont just stop your pregnancy just for the sake of their opinions.They may never wish for a baby girl and there is no meaning in it as your wanted delay may lead into some other complications be it health wise or relation wise.See they always stronly wish for a baby boy but they can't do anything if a girl baby is born.Its just the heat of the arguments which make you frustrated and your in laws more frigid.

I suggest you to not to go for arguments with them.Just stay calm and go with your heart.

feel sick to know about these kind of people where in girls are reaching beyond the skies!

ars · Jul 18, 2011

Dear calm down. You are not even pregnant yet and why are you stressing about all this comments. We will have what god intents us to have. All the tricks, diets won't work in making sure it's a boy or a girl. I know you are more hurt because your h is so gung-ho in having a son. Some men always say they want a boy and some woman always say they want a girl. But that does not mean they will love the other gender any less.
So just let go of the subject with your h and move on with your plans. This argument between the two of you reminds me of a kannada saying "havu sayalla kolu murriyalla" means snake does not die neither the stick breaks still you are continuing to beat the snake with the stick.
I feel if you have a girl soon you will be starting a thread "my daughter has her dad wrapped around her little finger"

seekingpeace · Jul 18, 2011

spuppala, ars,

Thanks for ur response..but my worry is when am not pregnant..they are talking all this..what all will they do when i get pregnant...now itself whenever ILs sees us she they talk abt baby boy it will be and all blah blah ..whn i get pregnant they iwll be talking like this nonstop...i wont be able to take all this nonsense and till this fight came up i was not particular abt boy/girl but now i feel hatred towards having a boy bcoz of them..i dont want to feel like this..ILs i can ignore to some extent but i think this is getting out of hand...this time when they came FIL siad i had dream of u having a boy and then 2 days later MIL says i had boy baby dream blah blah..for both i dint respond and DH was also not interested in the topic..he was like..stop it coz he knew i dont like allthis..but now with him also tlaking liek this..its crazy...

how do i make him understand that his thinking is wrong...

ars · Jul 18, 2011

Ignore is the mantra. The more you react the more comments your il's will make and h will support them.
I am concerned why the heck are they talking so much about a baby. I can understand they want to be grandparents but speaking so much about dream and all in front of son is so yucky to me and you are not even pregnant yet.
Also you can join the band wagon than maybe they will stop the comments once they know that they can't get your blood boiling anymore.

jaisreer · Jul 18, 2011

Ignore them, tell them no one is in control of these things. You will accept what God thinks you should have. Do not get into any argument with them. You accept what ever that will come on your way. My mother used to tell us what ever sex it is it should be born healthy without any defects. people are so foolish it is even waste of time to discuss these things. If you want to educate them that is if they are educable talk about female mitochondria. Which is really goes on and on through generations.

beanstalk · Jul 18, 2011

Some people can be so narow minded. I was brought up in a family with all daughters. when ppl asked abt my siblings and I told them we are all sisters they would still ask - " no brother then ? " And I would be surprised that did I answer your first question in a different language that you still had to ask a little girl a question like this.

But my parent have been awesome and loved us limitlessly and did everything for us. They never had any craze for boy but my dad's family kept mentioning it.

Moving to your problem, dont make this a big issue. Be very clear when this is brought up with you. It will be whatever it is. If there is an adoption/abortion (you dont how future would be), you and your hubby will see it future. Things like these should not be mentioned to parents. A couple should take decisions on their level and only filtered information should be passed to the family.

Secondly, if they/your hubby wants to do crazy stuff to have a boy, let him do it. Just tell him very clearly you would not do any of it and if he forces it on you, then put up a fight.

And last, dont discuss these things at all with families. why was this isssue stretched this far anyhow. Why did you have to extend this conversation to this exten ( jokingly or not) ? You should have snubbed them at very start rather than keep it going and judging them by their answers.

I am very strong headed this way. I dont entertain questions like these. When people bring these up, I snub them. They will know when its time and wht they need to do. DOnt bring up weird topics and then have follow up anger. Its too early. You aren't even pregnant yet. I hate your inlaws and your influenced hubby's thinking, but also consider this issue unnecessary when you haven't even hit that point yet. Cross the bridge when you get there.

When my hubby tried to make comments abt my pregnancy, I had told him, You can do whatever you want when its your body and you are pregnant. When I am pregnant, I decide what i want.

svetas124 · Jul 18, 2011

Amniki ur not alone im also in same boat as ur.

We ttcing from 4 yrs( had 6 iui and 1 cycle of ivf) but my mil,2 sils think that we need to have a baby boy becos they all have a baby boy and if we wont have any girls its k but we should have boy since it carries lineage.

My husband aslo thinks the same even his sis is doctor and she suggested gender selection when we had our last ivf but i said i dont want do those kind of things.

But i get scared when i think these things what heppens if have 2 girls(we agrreed only 2 kids) what h will do and force me to do:bonk.

regars,

sveta

Tinaj · Jul 18, 2011

Try to tolerate them, or just ignore them if you can.

I was also in a same situation. Since my pregnancy was confirmed, my in-laws started Boy baby story OMG they talk about that every day, the whole 9 months... Boy Boy Boy for lineage. My Dh always says ignore them But we cant you know its very difficult! I never had any serious issues with my in-laws except this one. I started hating them from that point. My MIL was sitting behind me in hospital admitted for my delivery and asked the same question nearly 100 times in an hour, "we need a boy baby only, we will not do even archanai if it is a girl, it will be boy right?" I was keeping quiet because i dont want to raise my BP and was praying to have a GIRL baby ONLY.I just wanted to see their faces. it was really frustating. But as they said I had a boy baby. I dont have any regrets, its my baby. and now it started in a different angle, whatever my DS does sit, stand, eat, run everything everything they say he is doing like my FIL since he is their vamsam. I HATE.

I am very sure we cannot change their stupidity. You cannot make them understand especially ILs.It will lead to arguments. dont entertain them. just tell them we will discuss about this when you are pregnant. I never replied to them when they talked about Boy baby.

Hugs to you!

Shyama