ILs creating rift between co-sister and me

bubai, I have got so many nice pointers from you that can be applied when needed.

From your posts I see that you have had enough that has made you this strong now...

I am the one who dont speak when I have to speak and keep taking words but then later sit and think why didnt I reply back like this or like that. I have never faced or seen any one facing such situation in my life
b4 marriage

Being in this forum I have learnt quite a lot on what to say and when to say...

 

Hi Maggi,
I met my DH some 13 years back when we both were undergrads in Delhi….he is just one year senior to me. For my DH, his dad was his hero….a self made man who started his own business and did extremely well. During the initial days of our friendship, my DH told me countless stories about his parents.
My MIL lost both her parents before she was 18 and was ill-treated by some of her bhabis……I felt so sad to learn all these things……I had resolved that I would give all the love in this world to my in-laws as they don’t have any daughter.
Then disaster happened….my DH went and told his parents about me and they blamed that I was going to ruin their bright son’s career. My in-laws were extremely possessive about my DH and his career……They just ignored the fact that it was THEIR SON who proposed to me and wanted to marry……..He must have seen something in me, right? Why would any son go against his parents’ wishes to marry a girl?
BTW my DH works in one of the top hospitals and still my in-laws ignore my contribution in his success......they think if a wife does not cook well, she is not a good wife. How about a wife who commuted 4 hours even in the 9th month of pregnancy to bring an income.......Doctors take time to settle down and the exams they write are extremely expensive and my in-laws have never even thought once how we managed it.....I have never expected money from them but how can you ignore the wife's contribution in the house?
But I understand that my relationship is just with my husband and he tells me every single day how beautifully I manage work and home.
My in-laws think that my DH is doing well in his career because they are praying for him in India......and not because I have all the loads on my shoulders.......strange isn't it?
Now coming back to my story....... basically they never agreed to our relationship…..But we were in love and we wanted to be with each other. So we got married in 2002 in a temple in the US…..my mom couldn’t come and his parents DIDN’T come. My mom blessed us on the phone and wished us a great future…..His parents stopped talking to us. But I still kept trying…….and my MIL kept her “maunbrat”………Today when I look back, I feel….OMG I was so naïve and so good.
I think his dad spoke to me for the first time in 2004. I was so happy that morning and I called up in the night and said“I love you, Daddy…..I am so happy I have a daddy now” and you know what he said “ We talked in the morning, why are you calling now? Aren’t you satisfied that I spoke to you once?”
I remember I wiped my tears and went to sleep…….I kept calling them every month……..and finally they were OK. My in-laws applied for their US visa in Nov 2004 but instead of coming to USA, they went to Singapore for two weeks……..
When we called them in 2006 to tell them that I was pregnant…..my MIL told my DH “You got married in USA….and now you guys are going to have a baby……what face will we show to our relatives”
Look at this irony now….two days later one of my DH’s cousin sister who was doing her ph.d in Maryland came to our house with a friend of hers and introduced me to her friend saying “Meet the sweetest bhabi in the world, a budding business woman”…………….ha ha…..
My MIL didn’t show any happiness that I was pregnant……..and today I find it so weird when I see her fussing over my son……..I am not sure if this is an act.
They came in 2006 to see us. I met them for the first time in my life…..They were like some king and queen in my house……again the fault is totally mine…..I was driving to DC for work (2 hours each way) those days. They stayed for one month and every evening I made sure I came little early and took them out even if I was exhausted.
They were once lost in the Union Station(a subway train station in DC) and I spent some 8 hours looking for them on a working day evening……..I was throwing because I had bad nausea those days. My DH was a final year resident and was hardly at home.
They came back again to my house when my son was 9 months old…..I had taken some time off from work that time. My MIL never helped me out with any work at home……not once. They stayed for 3 months and those 3 months were hell. My FIL eats only “dosas” and nothing else………….When they left I felt so relieved….I can’t explain that in words.
We went to India in 2008 Dec…..they clearly showed that my BIL’s wife was their favorite DIL……they did this in words and their actions. I think that was the turning point.
I came back home and did some introspection……..I realized that most people love me in my friends’ circle…..I have friends from all over the world. Two of my very close friends are Chinese and Russian. I have some really nice friends in Delhi and who genuinely love me and care for me. All my uncles and aunts love me. They feel so happy when I call them………I keep in touch with all these people. I did some more introspection and realized that I as a human being like to reach out to people, I like interacting with people and people love me…….that means I am a good human being and I try to make others happy and comfortable. So I asked a question to myself “what has gone wrong with the relationship I have with my in-laws? I think I got my answer……..the problem was never with me, the problem was with them.
My in-laws feel insecure and they could never accept me. We have a HUGE GENERATION GAP. My background is very different from my in-laws’ background…..I come from a very very educated family. But my DH comes from a business family……
My DH is different from the rest of his family because he left home at age 17 and came to study in Delhi. I feel sometimes when people stay in just one place and don’t go anywhere else, their way of thinking does not change.
I thought about all these issues for a month and I reached at a conclusion that I will never be able to make them happy, never. Our wavelengths just don’t match.
I decided to stop complaining about my in-laws to my DH. Full stop there. I decided NOT to impress my in-laws and be MYSELF. I learnt to show my displeasure when they said something nasty. I learnt to say “back off” when they tried to cross the limit. I decided to minimize my interaction with them….
You know what happened after this…..they became so loving towards me. What baffles me is that they became nice to me when I was firm with them….I simply can’t understand this……
When they realized that I had changed, my FIL started a new problem….he started calling me some 5-7 times in a day…..It drove me nuts. I started to hate the phone…….I had to stop taking his calls again and again and then he backed off…………

Now I see him calling so many times and trying to be sweet. But I know this is just a phase……I know they can be manipulative. I think they feel helpless now because their FAVORITE DIL (my BIL’s wife) does not care for them. But I have become stolid now.
Deep inside I feel happy now because I stand up for myself and I can assert. I have realized that in-laws are not monsters…..they are human beings just like us.
If we keep taking their crap, they will keep giving us crap…..We have to learn to talk Back. I don’t fight with them anymore, but I don’t entertain them. I have minimized my calls to them….like once in a month. I keep my conversation short and to the point.
And I feel I am happy…..I am the real Bubai that I always was…..I had never taken crap from anyone and going forward I will not let anyone talk nonsense to me.
Sometimes I get a feeling that my in-laws thought I was helpless because I don’t have a dad….and my family is not rich like theirs. But gone are the days when girls were dependent on their husbands. I am not a bra burning feminist but I know how to stand for my rights. I know what is right and what is wrong for me. I know who are my “real” friends. I know who I can talk to when I am down….
If you look closely in this whole process, my in-laws are the real losers. I am doing just fine.
I strongly believe that people who ill-treat others can’t be happy for a long time….
Indusladies is becoming an addiction and it feels nice to write to all of you and share our feeling.
God bless!!
--Bubai

 

If you look closely in this whole process, my in-laws are the real losers. I am doing just fine.
I strongly believe that people who ill-treat others can’t be happy for a long time….
Indusladies is becoming an addiction and it feels nice to write to all of you and share our feeling.
God bless!!
--Bubai

Dear Mihisha / Bubai... others...
Bubai your story is heart rendering but not unusual... most of us who have had love marriages have faced this problem in the initial - mid years of marriage... its I think the Indian mindset that the privilege of choosing the wife for her darling boy lies with the mom only....
You have hit the nail on the head with our last lines... Once you understand that its the in-laws who have actually lost out on the love and affection which their DIL is capable of showering on them your reactions are only pity for them... its so sad that in these relationships which have great potential for blossoming into closeness for mutual benefit of all are wasted like this.....
BTW I had the most wonderful relationship with my FIL who was a great soul but it was MIL who made sure life was hell...
but now she is trying to reach out to me but its too late all i can be is cordial decent and grateful to her for taking care of my dog and house when the maid has left me in crisis... do I consider her a better human being ---NO
have I changed my feelings towards her --- NO
Have I forgotten and forgiven her for her earlier actions--- am trying but its damn difficult
Her presence in the world doesn't really matter to me...

we just have to live our lives the way we want to and ignore the rest which are irritants in our path
K

 

My opinion is just leave it to ur DH. If that amount would not get you into any debt ... then just dont bother.

As a son he has some responsibility and let him do it.

Though you might not like him do it at this point in time... put yourself in his shoes and see...you would feel lite.

So mean of your inlaws doing all the functions without you.

 

as you said, tomorrow it would be just a mnths paycheck.. leave it as it is .. i know how it is,,trust me.. it makes your DH happy & feel as if he has done a bit of duty even though he also knows that no effort was done for his wedding.. you not nitpicking this, is just being the understanding partner to him... if you say against this, its only going to increase the trauma/sadness in him.. send him with good thoughts

 

Mihisha...
You've answered your own question....and I am feeling irritated with this, I have so much stuff to do (like my studies), I am wondering if arguing with DH on this issue is worth anything right now?

you also know that you are being petty... leave it
K