ILs creating rift between co-sister and me

V, that is one of the things that hurted me the most. That another human being could be so utterly clueless (or hateful) to willingly make another person suffer. And then see nothing wrong with it. It still shocks me to this day that people can be like that. It's like... how can you not know you are doing wrong???? :spin

 

Once a friend told me few lines which I always remember' tum shaant raho, bhagwan jab laathi uthathe hai tho awaaz bhi nahi hota' !... this is so true....
Minisha[/B]...just lead your life don't bother to go out of your way to be friendly to those who are not willing to be your friends.... there are billions of wonderful people out there who will reciprocate the love you give why waste your precious emotions on those who don't care????
[B]ASG / Mrs V... those are the most dangerous sort of people... they hurt and harm others and then absolve themselves of all the wrongdoings!!! they act as innocent bystanders....:rant
K

 

Hi Mihisha,

The sad part was that when I was good to my in-laws, they were NOT SO GOOD to me.....but when I reduced my calls and interaction with them, they tried to win me back. So somewhere deep inside they knew that what they were doing was wrong.

Now after 8 years of marriage and almost 13 years of knowing my husband, I feel they have somewhat accepted me....but I don't think I can accept them totally and love them.

I have learnt to deal with them and ignore them. My MIL suffers from bouts of depression every now and then. Their other DIL does not bother to call them even once in 4 months, does not vist them even if she spends all her time in India.

My FIL is 66 years old and feels extremely lonely at times. But they don't always admit it.........My MIL starts crying on the phone suddenly and if I ask her what is it...she says she is bored.

You know all bad things we do in life come back to haunt us later.....It is my FIL's birthday today and he is waiting for everyone's call....Nobody called him today except me......My husband was on call, my BIL and SIL didn't call him.....He became so emotional after receiving my call....

BTW he has never wished me in last 8 years, not once. Now why did I call him? Well, my thinking was that he is already old.....will live for another 10-15 years....why to hold grudge.....let him be happy....

But does it mean I have forgiven him? A big NO. I am not going to talk to him for next one month. Let me know that I am a nice and warm person but sadly I will not be close to them....I want to realize that they missed out on me and my love......

I think what you are doing is good, Mihisha....give them a dose of their own medicine. Don't call them often, keep your phone conversations very short..just 4-5 lines. AND DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THEM.....you are not going to get it. They are just plain COLD people. Let them miss you....and remember the other new DIL is pretty new to the family....you never know how the course of relationship will change with her....

Wait and watch. Be nice to them when you talk, but again don't talk too much and too often....keep your distance.

Wish you all the best!!

--Bubai

 

Pman16,

I liked your attitude......I think I am happier deep inside after I stopped giving heed to their tantrums and complaints....

I have this "I DON'T CARE" attitude towards them now.....They change their colors so often...I hate them. When they have no shoulders to lean on, they try calling me for emotinal support....but when things are going well in their lives, they don't care about me.....such selfish creatures. I know them so very well now.

I am nice to them when I talk but my calls are very short.....I don't share things with them....When I am down, I call my mom and talk to her....

The other day my MIL was suggesting that I should grow my hair (I have shoulder length hair) and I will look like Aishwarya Rai...blah blah....I was so pissed off, I told her "That's alright Mummy, you should grow your hair so that you look like Hema Malini" .......ha ha....she was shocked.....I was talking on the phone and couldn't see her face....but would have loved to see her shocked face.....

If they try to be nasty to you, tell them nicely to back off. If they still do it, tell them firmly and strictly.

Take care....

--Bubai

 

Mihisha,

Your in-laws are so much like my in-laws. My in-laws call my DH and me everytime they need something for my BIL.

My BIL is preparing for his USMLE and is planning to come and stay with us for a month or so.......and you know a funny thing he does not even take a glass of water for himself.

He claims himself to be "conservative" and tells us that his wife does not wear revealing "dresses".......I hate him and his wife....They are the most manipulative creatures on earth....

Last time he visted us he kept saying the same thing "Bubai, you and anna are way too modern".

We had a conference call with my in-laws and he started the same thing "Me and my wife are so conservative, she wears only salwar-kameez....blah blah...."

I just told him "OK, by now you have said 20 times that you are conservative.....but please stop commenting about your wife's dresses...be a man and worry about other things in life....Let your wife decide what she wants to wear"

Everyone was shocked....by now they know that they can't keep commenting me and get away with it......

My BIL had a baby last year and everyone was sad because the baby is dark....I was the one who went and bought dresses and book for her....so after getting all the gifts my SIL called me to say "Thank you".....

I know BIL and SIL will start calling again from July.....but I have something called "CALLER ID".

My DH will be in a very very busy posting starting from July. So if my BIL comes and stays with us....I will make sure I eat each and every dinner outside home with my son and BIL will cook something for himself.....I don't care for people who don't care for me.....I don't feel connected/related with them......

To be frank Mihisha, I have become little revengeful now.....Ha.....IT IS MY TURN NOW.

 

Hey Mihisha,

Yeah....little busy....This is the age for working....When we get old we can go and see the world.....

Nice to know about your place.....I was in Rockville, MD and in Baltimore, MD......

I liked MD so much better weather wise.....Houston is very hot.....

Take care girl.....Life is not a bed of roses but make the most of what you have.

And never do anything you don't feel like doing. We don't have to please anyone, hai na?

--Bubai

 

Dear Mihisha & Bubai...and all other wonderful ladies
I just want to tell you that I suffered this feeling of bitterness and vengefulness for many years... I killed something inside me... I killed my goodness and my basic loving nature... I only sort out the worst for my MIL and I still do sometimes... but since a few months back something made me realise that what did I achieve in all this... I lost out on that ME!!! and so now I channelize my energies in the goodness I ignore the pain which was given to me I want to appear victorious...
I don't react to any of my MIL traps and slowly she has stopped laying them... If I want to yell I yell at myself in a locked up room / toilet and then tell myself that I hate that ME and so I let the pain go...
I know forgive and forget is impossible but don't let your past conquer you... don't let other peoples wrong deeds take control of yourself... learn to ignore what hurts you and you will emerge a much better mature person...
be at peace with yourself...
K

 

Hello kelly,

I agree with you........I do.

See this is what happens when we talk online....we don't know what conclusions to draw.

As far as my in-laws are concerned, I am at a stage now where I don't care for them. It does not matter to me if they are sad or happy.

But if they tell me something bad, I tell them to back off. And I say that firmly.

My MIL wants to know everything going on with our lives, what we ate, where we went and what my son did.......I know she just wants to know, not in a malicious way. But I keep her away.

If they want, they can call their son and talk.....but their son works for 18 hours a day and can't receive phone calls in the hospital.

They would love to hear things from me.....But I don't have time for people I don't care.....

Yes, I have forgiven them. They are getting old.....I have forgiven them for all their mistakes and that's why I TALK TO THEM. BUT BUT BUT I can't forget the pain and hurt in my heart. NO, I can't forget!!

My memory is very good and I remember everything. It works for me, everytime I think I can't do something, I have to think of the hurt they have caused me and I will be set to take the world in my stride.

My MIL is very fat and she is finding it difficult to lose weight. I had put on a lot of weight after my delivery. I was 74 kgs....and she kept commenting that it would be so difficult to lose wieight and what not and I remember that sarcastic smile on her face. I am 5'6 and I didn't look too fat with that weight......but her comments didn't stop.

I came down to 56 kgs in 2 years. I started looking so good...and guess what I made sure I sent her my pics in the e-mail.

She is now scared to challenge me in anything. My MIL is my NEGATIVE INSPIRATION and I like it that way....

I can so well see their future.......if they want to come and stay with me when they are old, I will welcome them and I will hire people to take care of them. I will make my part time cook, a full time cook.....But my interaction will be very minimum with them.

My MIL can never replace my mom.......never....for this life the most important people in my life will be my son, my husband, my mom and my brother......That's it.

The reason I don't want to be close to my in-laws is because I don't want them to take me for granted.......

Thanks.

--Bubai