ILs creating rift between co-sister and me

Hi Mihisha,

Even I was (and still am) a short tempered but fair-minded person who would wonder why,on earth, that i could be a friend to any stranger and not only to this set of people. Over the years, i got the answer that if im being friendly with n no. of people, then the problem doesnt lie within me, the problem is with my inlaws. Also, im married for 11 years now, you are yet a beginner, so it takes time to develop.

By doing this, I feel, Im doing more good to myself than them.This way dh is happy that i gave his space to be with his parents. Though he is not the always craving for parents type, he fulfills his duty as a son loyally. I dont want to go in his way or become a hurdle and still after all these years be subject of inlaws hatred again.Now I dont care if they will even love me for being good this time. Im not doing it for their sake. Im doing it for my own good. Earlier (in first year of marriage) i genuinely tried to impress them but they didnt reciprocate, now they are totally alien to me. I dont connect with them at all, their pain is not mine, their happiness is not mine.

I told you about the situation in movies where a person could be pushed into becoming mad even though he/she is not. I will never let them be successful in their aim (if at all) of seeing them having fun when my dh would hate me. I topsy-turvy all their plans by having a close-knit family. I dont want any tit-for-tat game.Im so much concerned about the values which my parents imbibed in me. I can very well connect to your posts where you mentioned that no one gives such a cold treatment in your family. Even i come from such a family.

In the initial years, i was pondering to find an answer for the question 'why do my inlaws hate me?' and would get into arguments with dh. Now i know the answer "if they hate me, so do I " and im at peace with myself.

Hope this helps. I never had anyone who would pull me out of the confusion which I went through. I had a tough time convincing devilish MIL for our marriage. Later she arranged my BIL's wedding in her own caste. I didnt attend the wedding. I was very clear about it. I told dh that if i talk back it would look as if I was waiting for an opportunity to attack. She will create a scene to show that her new bahu is perfect and im not. I told dh to excuse me as I wanted the respect due in public and also in private. If not then, I will not be a tamasha where they want to show off the elder bahu just for the heck of it. I stopped even talking to them for 8 long years and now....out of the blue....they wanted to visit us to see the kids.

She didnt feed me while I was preg with my first child and did all nasty things. I was too naive to answer back.Even now I dont reply back because I dont want to spoil my character and image. I always keep in mind about my parents. Now she is craving to see my BIL having kids but it is not happening due to some medical reasons my cosis is unable to conceive.

Once a friend told me few lines which I always remember' tum shaant raho, bhagwan jab laathi uthathe hai tho awaaz bhi nahi hota' !

End of the day, i always want a clean slate and love my dh, no matter what!

 

Dear Mihisha, Its a kind of exciting to think about attending a family function. But trust me the peace that you would be having without attending is precious than the irritation or ignorance that u "might" face attending the wedding.

And trying to befreiend your co-sister is a good intention so did i do before her my BIL's marriage. But then she was over smart to ignore and her priorities were totally different. My parents family was totally ignored by my inlaws immediately after our wedding and didnt invite my parents for BIL engagement which was 3 days after our wedding. Reason given FORGOT. :rotfl

And during BIL wedding my husband acted mad and I was like a beggar in my BIL wedding, wearing an old saree due to some idiotic act of my DH. My MIL did all rituals with her side relatives and I was not even given a place in the mantap to change my dress while all the other relatives of my MIL were given separate rooms. But then they thought that their younger DIL wd be great for them, they realised they had mistaken once she started to ignore them royally and never cared for them. Let me mention I am from the same community as my DH... arranged Marriage heh.

In last 2 yrs i used to have lots of fights as my BIL and Co-sis wd spoil our plans to execute theirs which my DH never realised. I use to have fights with my DH for my BIL and Co-sisters behaviour - but then now I have learned to ignore. All that i have now with my BIL and Co-sis is hi hello once in a while on chat and nothing more. I am peaceful.

They are some where else in the world and so we are, just those 2 or 3 days we meet in an year or 2 creates so much of tensions.

I would have been much more peaceful if I had not traveled to India to attended their wedding.

Just Ignore them you are just not losing anything dear.

 

I totally agree with Maggi on each and every thing. Attending BILs wedding especially when the inlaws are cold is not a wise thing to do. Unless we have this dont care attitude we should not even consider that. Ultimately it would bombard on poor hubby who is not even a part of that. I let my hubby enjoy his brother's wedding thoroughly while I had my ME time those 2 weeks.

Mihisha, one more advantage of having cold inlaws is we can spend the entire vacation with parents. YES!! Im going to India in June and will be spending the whole of vacation with my parents and sis. I shall however be leaving from dh's hometown as I want to visit my SILs. They are not soooo good but not bad either. I dont want to confuse relationships. I want my kids to spend good time with their cousins atleast (SIL's kids)

 

Dear Mihisa,

Although my husband is the only son (he has a sister) I have also had n number of problems with my inlaws. One thing I wanted to point out though is that your co-sis is just going to enter their house and thus she will want to be in good books with your inlaws. So she will listen to whatever they say. She definitely would not want to go against them at this time. So talk to her wishing her etc but dont try to make her your very best friend. If she shows interest from her side, then perhaps

Also, your FIL is trying to push your buttons but dont give in to him. If he knows that you are angry and have lost your peace of mind, it will give him immense happiness that he has succeeded. So try to behave as though nothing upsets you and you are fine with everything. If he says I wish you could come in front of others, you say, yes papa, I wish I could too but due to visa problems (or whatever) you know I cant make it.

And I totally agree with the detachment part, have been doing it for nearly a year now and it works wonders for myself. Earlier on, I was always fighting with my husband thinking of the past with my inlaws but now I dont bother. My family is everything to me and I just concentrate on my hubby and son. I behave cordially with my MIL, havent spoken to my FIL for a year now but am at peace with myself.

 

Hi Mihisa,

We live in Aus and inlaws live in India. Things were fine till they came here last year and there was a huge argument in which my FIL said a lot of bad things to me. It was the first time that I actually opened my mouth and gave him back, earlier on I used to just keep quiet. After the argument, I havent spoken to him till date. My hubby doesnt ask me to talk to them but I just maintain cordial relations with my MIL through email or when we phone them. I dont feel like I have to appologize for something I didnt do and he shows no intentions of speaking to me either.

Somehow the hurt and pain of the past is always there and I feel it is best to maintain a distance.

 

sorry to hijack, but what you said is so true. my MIL though nice to me now, she put me and DH through a lot. DH of course, knows this and he knows how hurt I still am about it. Its been about 2 years now.. she was even mean to me after our engagement and she treated her other DIL like she was a princess or a boon to her family. I used to cry so much and my DH even asked his mom why? She said, she doesn't know and she didn't see any thing wrong in the way she treated me.

So anyway, it still stings my heart. Though we are ok now, it bothers me so much that she was so mean to me. I'm tearing up, just writing this. :bowdown