1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

ILs creating rift between co-sister and me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Mihisha, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear friends,

    I have a new issue that i am trying to deal with but would love to get your views on this. I am married to a v loving DH , we are both from culturally diff backgrounds It was a love marriage. There have been lots of issues with my ILs since we married:

    1. Resolved issue---- they still consider me an outsider (its been 7 yrs knowing them and 3 yrs as thier DIL) and I am given total royal ignore.... ( this issue had been talked in my earlier thread and with all of your siggestions, i decided to give them back the ignore factor which worked for my mental peace)

    2. SIL problems - we maintain a v v formal hi/hello relation - I have no problem with that..


    Current issue:

    Ever since my BIL's engagement has been fixed, my DH is not included in the family matters. I am also ignored as previously and this has become more intense now after co-sister ( who is same culture as DH) has arrived ..... they are not married yet.. Now in the beginning, my co-sister was very sweet and used to email me and we had good rapport ( for 1.5 mo). suddenly after the engagement, she has stopped emailing me.. I did not ask her becoz I feel my BIL has told her not to get involved with me .... They want a good rapport between co-sister and SIL , they talk with each other every day ( I got to know about this frm SIL herself) but my co-sister rarely talks to me and that too when BIL does a conference call......

    I ignored it but I was hurt because now they have ganged up and trying to isolate me completely.....

    DH wants to maintain normal relations with his parents and we had decided that I would be formally talking to them once in 15 days.... and this process was going on smoothly.....

    now I really wanted to attend BIL's marriage ( this was before co-sister issue started).... BIL got engaged last december, and me and DH had told FIL infinite number of times that we want to come to the wedding and please arrange a date before this may 2010 as my visa is expiring and I wud go on OPT..... I dont want to travel on OPT......
    my FIL wud tell that he wants his elder DIL to come to wedding , infront of everyone But this was superficial image in front of his relatives.....

    He kept on postponing the decision to fix a date whenever we asked....and told us that my co-sister's father wants to have proper date fixed after Ugadi ( which falls around March 15 ).. then we stopped asking him, I personally feel that he doesnt want me in the marriage becuase in my marriage his daughter (my SIL) could not come as she was pregnant and this is a revenge tactic by them.. so my spirits of attending BIL marriage dropped.... then he tells us in April to fix a date by April 20/21 and he tells us on April1... isnt he fooling us.. how can we come at such short notice.... then we refused saying we cannot come at such short notice.... he kept qiet and was very much OK with it... actually he never fixed a date, he wanted the marriage in summer.....The fact is he dilly-dallied to last minute, so we cud refuse, he never wanted wedding before May becuase he simply doesnt want me , this is my gut feeling... he doesnt want me becoz he wants his daughter to do all the traditions and I shud not do anything and shud not get involved as she was not there at our marriage.....

    So me and DH made a plan, I told DH that i am feeling that they dont want me to the wedding, so why not tell them that if they fix a wedding between Sep- Nov , we both wud come.... if they fix a date during that time, I wud feel that they have no bad intention.... 2 weeks passed by when we tell this to FIL, he was mum, finally we asked whats going on.. he said there is no muhurat around that time, there is one in december ( which falls on my convoction ceremony which he knows ).. so proves simply he doesnt want me to come....he deosnt even say to me that I shud come.. never....so we told him to fix any date, DH only wud go...this made my ILs v happy ( they sounded v cheerful listening this without a bad feeling that thier dil is not coming ) within one week, FIL gives us marriage date in august, everything is fixed and I am not going....

    Now, in front of co-sister and other relatives, he is saying if my elder DIL wud be here, I wud have liked it... my co-sister is extremely pissed off that I am not coming and she did not talk to me properly today.... she really wanted me to come to the wedding..... the problem is they have cut all communications between me and co-sister.... my co-sister is being influenced against me by them..... she thinks I am to blame that I am not coming which I tried to clarify......

    I am just feeling bad that no one in this family consider me as family member... I thought I cud be gud friends with cosister but they have clearly told her not to get much involved with me , and she is head over heels with my BIL so she has no idea whats going on.....

    Do you think I should initiate a nice relationship with my cosister, she is younger to me andI feel it wont look nice on my part ( being 8yrs elder to her) to call her every other weekend... I just want this new person in the family to be friends with me.. because she is my only hope to get involved in the family, otherwise I am totally out....If I am given such an ignore.. I cannot not let my ILs come into my life then becoz I feel without ILs influence , she cannot stop communcating with me like this......Today when we called India, we both DH and me talked to MIL, FIL for 20 minutes, in the end we were about to keep phone when we asked for BIL, he came over phone and talked to us for 5 min and we were keeping the phone when I asked him how is my co-sister, he said she is fine and then I specifically asked if she came home this evening, he said , yes she is around.. Both me and DH wew v hurt that she was around and they did not give phone to her to talk to us.....

    wish you girls cud try make me feel better....
    thanks!
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
    Loading...

  2. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    252
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Why are you thinking so much about your co-sis and FIL and SIL and BIL and yadayadayada....
    They tell you a date for the wedding, you can either make it or you cant, so what's the big deal?
    If your co-sis is not talking with you, what are you losing? are you losing your PHD? Are you losing your husband? Are you lsoing your Green Card? Are you losing a million dollars? Are you losing your brains/beauty/life? No naa, so drop all these thoughts whirling in your head, focus on your life here, focus on your marriage, your studies and your work, be the best you can be in every sphere - Living well is the best revenge.
     
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    463
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Mihisha,

    Cheer up girl.. Don't give so much of importance to your co-sis.. But then through experience i can tell you, that your in-laws are playing politics.. They fear that you and co-sis may gang up against them.. So, they are following a divide and rule policy.. Regarding you attending the marriage, let it go as per their wish.. Let your hubby only go for the wedding..
    I'll tell you in the beginning of the marriage your in-laws might be very sweet to your co-sis and there might be some heart ache for you.. But slowly that relation between your in-laws and co-sis will fall out.. It is just that they want to show that your co-sis is a better DIL than you.. Dont ever show them you are hurt.. Slowly your co-sis will only start noticing their true colors.. Let time play its role..
     
  4. bubai

    bubai Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    524
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Mihisha,

    It is strange that when we want something, we never get...:( You know I was in your boat few years back....I so much wanted to be close to my in-laws. When my BIL got married, I used to call them up everyday.

    My husband does not have a sister and they are only two brothers.....My in-laws thought of ignoring me and pampering the younger DIL. My BIL's wife is just one year younger to me.....And guess what happened, she ignored my in-laws totally after getting married. She never e-mails my FIL, never calls them and never sends the baby's photos to them. That was the biggest blow to my in-laws. I pity my FIL and MIL.....I feel bad for them. But strangely I have become stolid now. I don't care what they think...I really don't...

    But these days I make sure, I tell straight on their face if I don't like anything. They actually respect me hundred times more now...But what is use of regretting when the damage is already done? Trust me, Mihisha, they will feel really bad for their actions someday but I am afraid it will be too late for you. Save your precious health and don't cry for these people...

    If they don't want you, so what? If they don't want you to have a great relationship with your co-sister, so what? The world does not stop there....I know you feel bad and you so much want to be accepted by them.....but if it is not happening, it is NOT the end of the world. You can only do so much.

    If your co-sister does not understand your visa problems, then try once more....Send her a nice and a loving e-mail. Make sure you send her a beautiful gift on her marriage. Call her and wish her. If she is not talking properly right now, so what? If she is a good girl, she will come around in the future....If she does not, she was never meant to be your friend.

    Let me tell you, I know you don't like your in-laws and take it as a bliss in disguise that your co-sister is not friendly with you, esp. because your in-laws like her...Logically speaking we are all human beings and we do tend to make mistakes....Suppose you become great friends with your co-sister and you one fine day, you just say her something against her MIL/FIL/SIL and she goes and says it back to them....What will happen? Or if your co-sister keeps talking about the things that your MIL/FIL/SIL do for her (because she talks to your SIL everyday and they seem to be close now)....Don't you think you will feel bad?

    Mihisha, everything happens for the good....In my life, I SOMTIMES(not always though) like to have few negative people....people who are jealous of me...You know why it gives me a strange drive to do well. When I have too much resentments and negative energy inside me, I tend to do very well in my career and also in my family life, it is weird but I think I am wired differently. I believe in proving my enemies that I am thousand times better than them. I love to make them more jealous. I might be soudning revengeful but that's how I am. Remember that best revenge you can take is by doing better than them in every aspect.

    I still remember everyone in life who I hated (there were a whole lot of morons) and I have always made sure I have surpassed them at every step of life. I know it sounds scary but that's how I am.

    Stand straight Mihisha, with your head held high.....Your fate is not linked with them. Do well in your family and professional life. And make sure they know all the good things/achievements about you. Make sure your DH conveys them. Those will be the tight slaps on their faces.....

    Sorry if I got carried away....Stay well and be happy!! Wish you good luck with your graduation!! I see that you are in DC. We lived in DC for 5 years and I have extremely fond memories of it...:)

    --Bubai
     
  5. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Yesican, I read ur post and it was a nice practical advise, the ideal scenario as how i shud be.. I was just gettign diverted with this issuee..

    Thanks Riya for the soothing words and rigth advise, your views help me feel I am not alone ....someone understands!

    Bubai, Thanks and hugs to you... You cant imagine how your detailed post has made me come down to calmness levels, past couple of days, there was this fizz of this issue going on in my head continously, I think it all stemmed frm expectations.. I was expecting a lot frm my co-sister who is still a kiddo and v young.... I need to go over it again whenever I feel lost...

    I guess I have all the time of the world with me to have nice relations with my co-sis, as bubai pointed, if she comes back to me and understands me , then its gr8, if not, I shudnt thinkg she ever cud be my friend! and as yesican said, I am not going to lose any thing in this.

    Thanks girls!
    Tc

    Mihisha
     
  6. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,127
    Likes Received:
    1,578
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Mihisha,

    Sometimes in-laws play this game and make everyone against you labelling you as bad. You might not be really so but will start acting thus based on the circumstances. I relate to this as a situation from movies where if the world starts calling a person mad (paagal), even though he/she is not mad will start acting as such. Understand this fact of life and never NEVER do what they aspired.

    Is this new girl (cosis) so close to you already that you are burning your heart out for the rift created? Will it satisfy your ego if you both were like bosom buddies?Do you think if you and the new girl team up together, your inlaws will change? Assume you become best friends, still there will be 2 situations. They might be good to her and not to you ? Then what? 2nd scenario: Inlaws giving her the same cold treatment? Then what? Will this satisfy you bcos they did the same to you? If not, will you lend your shoulder to the new lady and do you think this will make your inlaws realise how good a person you are? No................ this is a vicious circle.!! Im sorry for being a bit harsh but would like to see the reality here. Your inlaws are working from their end and taking care that the new girl will be with them. You take care from your end and do what the situation demands.

    I think, for ONCE and ALL, if you tell yourself that you are not wanted by your inlaws but MOST LOVED by their own son (hubby), you will be at peace with yourself.Once you accept this fact of life, everything after this will be easy for you to handle.

    Like many posters advised here, start acting anti and live happily ever after. You should be able to smell their jealousy (if at all) even living miles away.

    I was in your shoes earlier, but let me tell you what my thought process was. I worked hard to make my love marriage possible. At 20s staying with dh meant very precious to me, then how come my priorities would change once these people come into picture? Like yours, my BIL is married to a lady from their own caste and staying with my inlaws. I know that my MIL cares for a lot, so what? I know co-sis stays with them and have gotten into their words and doesnt communicate with me? But that doesnt end the world for me..... Im happy that God and my parents have given me enough will power to ignore these issues. Im happy that I can utilise my time constructively for myself and my family. Remember by doing this, dont expect that hubby dear will love you double (even inlaws share) , NO!! You have to start doing this for yourself, your peace of mind, to strengthen yourself, your character.

    Imagine yourself how you will be after 5 years from now, your relationship with hubby after a certain period of time. Your present behaviour and attitude will depend a lot on future.

    This kind of overwhelming situations are very common in love marriages. Some in-laws create and some we imagine. I wish there was Indusladies in my early years of marriage too so that I could vent and get some advices.

    Anyways, Mihisha, count your blessings. Everyday you get up in the morning , say this small prayer of thanking God for a loving hubby, a good life, etc (include every tiny happiness in this list). Promise yourself that you are going to say the same prayer even tomorrow because you have to be happy that whole day to say such prayer next day.

    Dont overwhelm yourself with others issues. I believe everyone has their own share to worry about. Just focus on your life, dear. Ultimately dont land yourself in a state where your hubby will start thinking true about what inlaws think about you.Remember your upbringing by your parents and what you are. Dont try to become what your inlaws want you to be.

    Have some short-term goals so that these things dont bother you. Your mind will be working on achieving them.

    Take a printout of all the good quotes you like and stick it in places where you can see. Keep photos of you/hubby taken during happy times so that this reminds you of what you have ! Listen to melodious music and change your mood.

    On a different note, I have seen you in the weight loss thread. So shed your negative energy in exercising. Now that my inlaws are here, i workout everyday and shed my negative energy every morning. I feel great after a sweaty workout.

    This might not be easy but you can definitely get over it in the long run. You need to practice it and dont forget to count your blessings.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  7. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,127
    Likes Received:
    1,578
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Bubai,

    Kudos to you :bowdown. When I read this I think I was reading about myself. Im exactly like you in this aspect. With this attitude, I have achieved so much in my life.
     
  8. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all Minisha , you are such a sweet jethani , that you want to make a true friendship with your co sister. You are innocent and pure by heart who do not have any jealous feeling. But dont worry dear your co sister will realise by time. When your co sister will actually start living with them then only she will realise how they are.

    But dear you just be happy with your dh.Atleast think yourself as lucky as you live seperately. If your co sister realises and becomes good to you later then good, otherwise just ignore it. I dont think you should be so upset of not attending the marriage because if the dates were flexible you would definetely go. You have explained to her why you cant attend the marriage. So just dont worry and be happy.
     
  9. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello friends!

    I just re-read the advise given to me on my co-sister issue.. I was feeling lost again as my FIL is upto something.. Few days back, when I had posted here abt my co-sister, she did not talk to me properly.. the reason is now unfolding... I was v angry with FIL for making us completely ignorant of fixing BIL marriage dates, as I wanted to go.. but suddenly one fine day, when he knew that I cannot come for marriage, he started his acting " it wud be nice if I cud come", In anger, I spoke v rudely with him and I think I also said why co-sis's family did not let u know the dates earlier... anyways,
    I re-read the post and feeling better....

    Many thanks to Pman16 for such a nice post, I wish I cud talk to u and bubai as u both did love marriages and have suffered same issues as mine.. Pman16, how cud u talk politely with ur ILs after being sufered frm their politics? u said they love ur s-co-sis more and ur co sis does not talk to u much... how are u dealing with this thing, that ur ILs played politics with u , made u look bad in front of everyone and now u r letting them stay in ur home?
     
  10. pman16

    pman16 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,127
    Likes Received:
    1,578
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Mihisha,

    I know its very difficult to even tolerate them. Im not a saint...but then I have to think of my dh too. Just by saying that I love him more than anything will not make sense. People do expect and dh is not an exception. I thank God for the lovely years with my dh (and kids). He is always ready to support my parents irrespective of whether i do for his parents or not. Then when it comes to me, I cant back out. It is a fact that they are his parents, good or bad. They werent good to me so its not dh's mistake.

    Coming to my cosis, my inlaws love her openly and my MIL even packs her lunch since she's working. I have reached a saturation point where I dont feel anything for them. They simply dont exist for me even though they are staying with us now.

    I did not change my ways even after they are here. Im myself. They sometimes irritate me and flash me back into history where i get some bitter reminders but Ive strengthened my mind to such an extent that they cannot disturb me now. Im rock-solid now.I dont have any insecurity that they will take away my dh. We have matured to a level where no third person can shake our relationship.

    As for them treating me bad, I think its history. I never want to even think about it.They are here for a short time and im viewing it as a passing phase. If you ask me whether i have forgiven them for their past deeds, then its a big NO.I told you Im not a saint. Even if I was, I wouldnt have. I believe a person should go through that guilt pangs to understand what they have subjected others to. But above all this....blah...blah....is my love for dh....which i have built over the years.....Im very selfish in this regard. I want this love to be above the hate. So they are not my priority. They dont exist for me at all now.

    I even told my MIL recently that no matter what good they do, they cannot erase the bad past.
     

Share This Page