If husband says "Address not negotiable" your response?

Very sorry Chillbreeze! But social changes take long to happen. Breaks my heart too.

But jokes apart, the ideal situation is always the middle road. Trying to walk the edges of the road can lead to ugly accidents. Living separately close by or wherever available is good enough.

Think of what happens if the pendulum swings to the other end. We will have an IM with sons-in-law venting about their ILs and the wives being caught between the devil and the deep sea. :spin

This reminds me of a friend who got married in the early 70s. She had severe problems with the mil to the extent where she started suffering from stress-related health problems. Her husband was the only son and they lived in a bungalow on a fairly big plot of land. Finally they built one more house on the same plot of land just behind the main house. They were there for the parents and looked after the mil too after the fil passed on while having some degree of independence for themselves.

Now their son has got married. I hear they have moved to the front house where the mil lived earlier and their son and dil live in the house where they lived.

They were lucky to have so much space to build etc. But it should not even be impossible to build upstairs and downstairs (or get a flat nearby / next door or even in the same street) where both mil and dil have their own domains which they can run according to their own desires. It is not fair - neither on the mil nor on the dil - if the dil should keep waiting for the mil to pop off before being allowed to run a house her way and to live the way she likes. I am sure none of us is brought up that way and would not like to entertain such nasty thoughts. Besides the dil might just be way too old by the time to be able to convert some of her dreams into reality.

No reason why the old people need to tolerate the irregular hours of the youngsters, eat what they choose to eat, change their way of living to accommodate a new member either. Live and let live is the best policy.

Giving space makes for a healthy relationship. Even living together for a number of years and then moving apart with a baggage ill feelings will interfere with a decent relationship in the future. So the best solution will be to have separate establishments as soon as the son gets married, allow them to build a relationship between themselves first and then with the ILs - this will ensure that the dil will be quite happy to look after them when the time comes. Who knows? Maybe she might be willing to move in with them or have them over when they really need to be looked after.

As for me - tra la la la la - no such "issues". Am already plotting my move to a retirement home a few years down the line.

 

Hmmm ... quite possible ... we do live in the solar system after all :hide:

 

????? Sorry did not get you.

 

Son-centric ?

 

:-D You izz right.

 

I have a great relationship with my IL's. Not a relationship of tolerance or ok-chalta hai types. I love it when my IL's visit us- I wish they would more often. And my mom and MIL -some language barrier non withstanding- really care for each other and have been under one roof very lovingly. I think all our relationship work so well only because our parents really understand and respect boundaries- theirs and ours and set the same example for us. Love only blossoms when we treat ourselves and others with respect- regardless of age. I will never teach my child to respect elders. I will teach them to respect everyone.

Live with your IL or your parents or in a nuclear setting- whatever makes you happy. The address does not guarantee happiness- otherwise all those who live thousands of miles away would be happy, right???

 

That seems to be the curse of technology sdiva. Skype, telephones etc. have ensured that some PIL make the best opportunity to remote control. So yes, it is the interference that sours relationships. But the fact of the matter is everyone loves their space which is difficult to get under one roof. Older people love their peace and their set ways of living. Youngsters like their freedom and late nights, which could be a hassle for the older couple. Unfortunately, no one wants to accept or admit the fact. They want it all - children must live with us and on our terms and conditions. That surely makes things hard.

Having them as visitors or visiting them for short periods of time would be different from living with them under the same roof day in and day out.

 

Once I had read somewhere that a guy who takes care/stays with his parents (specially mother) will also take care of the wife.The article seemed to say that it means that the guy is not wary of responsibilities.

But personally I have come to the decision that staying with parents and dancing to their tunes for a guy does not show his dedication..it merely gives him an opportunity to have the best of both worlds...mollycoddling from mom and dad and compromise from wife.

There is certainly nothing wrong in staying with parents, provided the guy is not a mama's boy and can call a spade a spade..tough for most Indian guys..