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If he loves and cares for his parents, he WILL love and care for his wife!!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lalitha mansukh, Nov 18, 2008.

  1. lalitha mansukh

    lalitha mansukh New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,
    I have a question that was raised at out last week's potluck. We are a group of upto 10 wives who meet every week. What happened was we were told by one of our friends that she married her husband for love yes, but also because she saw the caring and loving, giving nature he shared with his parents and sisters. She was told by her parents and friends that when you want to see the niceness of a man, you need to find out how he behaves with his folks. But to her surprise, or shock I must say, her husband after 12 yrs of marriage has not ever shown the same caring nature towards her. Not even to her kids. His priority is his family which comprises of parents and sisters. When they are not well he gets worried sick, has sleepless nights and if they need something, even a luxury he goes out of his way to buy them. If he takes his wife somewhere he wants to do double of that for his parents. Such is the case. My friend told us all this and we were upset of course, but we wondered why people say things like if he is a caring person he will be like that with everyone especially his wife.
    On the other hand we have another friend in our group. Her story is the complete opposite. Her husband dotes on her, cares for her sooooo much. He gets worried for her health, cooks for her, buys her nice things, jewelry, vacations everything. His parents live in India like many of ours and he loves them yes, but does not go out of his way to buy them stuff they like or think about them during vacations. Nothing! (I know isnt she lucky?)
    He cares for her and listens to her, listens to almost everything she says. Its very very clear that the level of caring is tilted toward the wife and their kid, so please dont assume that its the same with the parents because it is not. One of them said buying stuff for his parents is not love but what the blessed friend's husband does for her is way way more than we can comprehend. She was very frank and said she was basking in his glory:)

    I have seen many such cases, where affection for wife is much more than for parents and vice versa. I just wanted to ask you guys if this is common to have the scales tilted even if the husband is a very caring, affectionate man.
    I must add one more thing about this lucky friend of mine. Her husband and she got married when they were both 23. Her husband left his home for hostel when he was only 18. Also when he was raised his mom and dad were helped by her two older sisters, one of them an umarried woman. My friends think this scenario has helped him become closer to her as in his adult life, he had an early marriage and then moved to US with her. They have been married 10 yrs now and have one baby.

    Please throw some light on these cases.
     
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  2. mythilla

    mythilla New IL'ite

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    Great Post, Recently I was watching Joe Biden's interview in CNN. It seems he was very hesitant to get married again and he told his then GF and now wife , How can you want to marry me when you know I still love my late first wife. To which she replied ' That is why I love you and want to marry you'.

    I guess the same applies to sons. If they can love and respect their parents then they can surely love their wife and kids also
     
  3. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Life is all about balance. Your parents are just as important as your spouse is, but in a different way. Problems arise when either relationship (parent-child / spouse-spouse) gains and retains COMPLETE ascendancy over the other one. Yes, post marriage, your spouse and your kids should be your immediate priority, but not to the exclusion of every other relationship in your life. This leads to much heart-ache and bitterness in the hearts and minds of the people who gave you life & raised you, and those that grew up with you. And, similarly, I don't think much of Mamma's boys and Daddy's Princesses who, even after marrying, still put Mamma or Daddy on a pedestal and neglect their spouses. Why marry at all in that case? Why not just remain joined at the hip to your parents if your spouse means nothing to you?

    I feel sorry for your Friend No. 1. Her husband shouldn't have married at all! And, I also don't think your Friend No. 2, whose husband neglects his parents, is "lucky". Barring instances of extreme neglect or abuse or cruelty, I don't see why her husband should feel 'nothing' for his parents and not even worry about them when they are sick. And I'm surprised that she seems to actually enjoy the idea that he is emotionally cold towards them. Money doesn't equal love, so he needn't shower them with gifts of money, but a little care and consideration towards them is more than warranted. These are his parents, after all, and I would be VERY suspicious of ANYONE (male or female) who was extremely indifferent to his or her parents. To me, that indicates an extremely selfish and ego-centric personality. And the friend who "basks in his glory" - GOD, words just elude me. Would she neglect HER parents and believe it to be a "glorious" thing to do?
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2008
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  4. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Lalitha ,

    The first sentence that hit my mind when I read the title of your thread
    If he loves and cares for his parents, he WILL love and care for his wife!!!

    was NO ! NOT NECESSARILY !! That answer in my mind bought me here.. It is not true that just because he is a loving son he is going to kill his wife with affection ! How can the love be the same.. They are parents and that affection is entirely different. But yes.. I do agree that he is a good person by nature if he " knows to love ! " Many women are deprived of that even. By this I mean.. they do not dot on ' everything ' about their parents but do dot ONLY on those things when the wife is involved and respite the fact that the wife could have been correct.
    So son and husband are two different entitiies according to me. I have seen it in my hubbypie he is very different infront of his parents and so much in ease with me ! Now that does not mean he does not love his parents .. it is just a comfort level. You could call it respect or anything you want.
    I back Malyatha on the thoughts about your Fren2. It is really amazing how she feels ' good ' about her husband being cold and non responsive to his parents ! Had it been her brother and her parents.. probably the take would be different. Or when they have a son and he in turn inherits this wonderful quality of his father's she would know the pinch !!
    If I was her I would have kicked my hubby for being so inhuman about ones own parents !! After all they are the reason I met him !! It is just about humanity and kindness.

    So according to me any person if to be pronounced ' good ' has to be a sensible son / daughter , husband / wife and a father / mother !! Little bit of everything is soo very important.. Because if yesterday you were a daughter and today you are a wife tommorow arent you going to be a mother ??

    The game played by God is such that we know how it feels in another's shoes !! :)
     
  5. dsrini

    dsrini Bronze IL'ite

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    :wow

    :exactly: Preethi. I love all ur responses especially the above one is so true. :clapto u for putting ur thoughts very beautifully into words.

    Dhivya
     
  6. lalitha mansukh

    lalitha mansukh New IL'ite

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    Wow beautiful responses. I totally agree with all of you here. Preethi you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence!!!

    I would like to add that though these 2 cases that I mentioned are totally opposite. Unfortunately my own case is simlar to my first friend. Maybe not entirely, but my husband seems to care and love his parents much more than me, his wife of 6 years. I dont want to get into that for now but I would like to clarify that maybe I did not potray my 2nd friend's case too well. She is not a bad person and she takes very good care of her in-laws. Her husband is not totally inaffectionate toward them but when one compares the level of love and care for his wife and kids it does not even hold a candle to them. By this I mean if caring, worrying, thinking all the time about his family, if this was graded on a level of 100
    he cares for his wife and kid is 120 and for his family would be say 80.
    So he does care for his parents like a normal son would but his care and affection for the wife and kids is too high to be compared.

    The question at our potluck was whether this is Possible?
    If its possible for a husband to get more attached to the wife and kids compared to parents keeping in mind that the 2 relations are different, loving both sets but being very extremely attached to just one set, in this case his own wife and kids.
    For instance if his wife is not well for a smallest thing he would worry himself sick day and night but not the same craziness when it comes to mom.

    I have a FIL who was like that. Very attached to his own wife and kids but less caring (a very good son though) to his dad and mum. It was really not by force.I have seen these kind of cases but would like to know from all of you if this is a something that common.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2008
  7. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think I lucked out....my husband dotes on his mother, me and his two daughters all the time. There is no competition in our family. What he does for me, he can't do for our daughters or my mil...what he does for his mil, he can't do for us....and the same for when he caters to the girls. It's a balancing act that we all have to learn and accept.
     
  8. harisur

    harisur New IL'ite

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    Hi Lalitha,
    Yes, it is true that a man who is extremely attentive and compassionate towards his family may not be the same to his wife and kids too. My husband's ex co-worker is like the second friend. He absolutely doted on his wife and kids to the extreme of ignoring his parents sometimes. During his second child's delivery he brought his mom for help and I had seen firsthand of his treatment towards her.
    His skin is black and his wife has fair complex and he is so proud that his kids got her colour and not his. When his mom complained of some toothache he packed her off to India within 3 months saying that she could get her treatment there. She din't want to go and wanted to spend time with her grand kids.
     
  9. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Lalitha, thanks for clarifying.

    Here are my thoughts.

    Post-marriage, I believe that one's spouse and one's kids should be one's priority. This holds for both men & women. But giving your immediate family more priority than your parents (who become extended family after marriage) doesn't necessarily mean that you love your spouse & kids more than you love your parents. It just means that since in nuclear families you live with your immediate family on a day-to-day basis, you have the opportunities to tend to their needs & cater to their wishes more. This may the case with Friend No. 2's husband. Secondly, yes, your friend's husband may go crazy if his wife is sick because he will see her suffering in front of him. However, he may not go quite so crazy if his mother is suffering, not because he seems to love his Mother less, but because he does not get to witness her pain first hand. And what you do not see may not affect you as much.

    Maybe if they lived as a joint family with his parents, then he would be beside himself with sorry seeing his mother or father in pain. In fact, I would venture that in a joint family, it might appear that a son / husband (or if they live with wife's parents), a daughter / wife gives everyone equal priority and therefore seems to "love" everyone equally.

    We have nothing to go by to believe that Friend No. 2's husband loves his parents less. He probably loves them equally but because he lives with his wife and his parents are so far away, he seems to "love" her more because he has more opportunities to cater to his wife than to his parents.

    Secondly, if you live abroad, you only have each other, right? So, it might be that a husband has to take care of his wife (who else will do this?) and vice-versa whereas elderly parents in India have more support system and someone will always step in to help them in their hour of need.

    Anyway, to answer your question, I haven't seen any cases where spouses seem to love one relationship more than the other. Yes, I have seen spouses who prioritize their relationships differently, but since love does not equal priority, I am hard pressed to say that this situation is common. If it is, then maybe I just haven't seen it. Personally, I would not be able to equate the love of a son or daughter for his or her parents with the love of one spouse for the other. There can be no comparison as these are different forms of "love". Yes, it *is* possible to prioritize one's spouse and kids ahead of one's parents (for practical and psychological reasons) just as it is possible to prioritize one's parents ahead one's spouse for similar reasons. For me, however, the bottom line should be that one relationship does not 100% eclipse the other. As long as this doesn't happen, no one should be unduly concerned.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2008
  10. lalitha mansukh

    lalitha mansukh New IL'ite

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    Thanks Malyatha, great answer!!! It does seem to be all about priority.

    I would like to discuss something that we spoke about in our potluck party.
    Iwas telling my friends how when we lived in a joint family in India, whenever my mom-law was not well or needed something, my husband would go all out for her but when it was me, his wife, with none of her own family around he wouldnt care much.It hurt me of course.

    To which my friend explained how when she too lived with her in-laws and her parents lived in the same city, how when she had the mildest headache or the smallest inconvienence her hubby would jump on his feet for her and was very very concerned but when his mom had an upset tummy and even when she had a uterus operation, she did not see the same kind of worry on his face. He was worried yes, but not the extent where he it would obviously show.

    They go out for exotic vacations every year because she likes to and his mum too tells him she would love to go on a vacation (the parents cannot afford) but he never seems to say that he wants to send them somewhere or take them along etc...
    I think it would be normal for him to do that but he doesnt. Now I think this is not very normal for an Eastern son to behave like that.

    Like I said, even when he witnesses his parents suffering he is not able to take his wife's suffering easily. Its very clear from this situations that he loves his wife much more than he loves his mother. It seems like she is the world for him and they are his parents, will love him but he cannot imagine tto live without her and can easily imagine living without his parents.
     

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