If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in India

Soumya80 · Sep 4, 2011

Sorry there was space constraint so shortened my main title,

The main title is as follows

If a women ask for nuclear family or if a girl express her wish to stay in nuclear family after marriage is considered spoiled brat in India

What is wrong if a girl wants her own space & life and wants to stay only with her husband in a nuclear family and don't want to stay along with her in-laws under same roof in a joint family?

In Indian society if a girl says she doesn't want to stay with her in-laws under same roof and wants to stay separate only with her husband is tagged as a spoiled brat and valueless girl by her in-laws, relatives, husband and the society. Her parents are blamed for not teaching her any values. And sometimes even the parents tell her that don't dream for a nuclear family, you can't get freedom from starting, you have to struggle atleast during initial years.

But I have a question that what is wrong with wanting a nuclear family. Everybody wants their space and wants to live their life their way. Indian society is really sexist in those matters because a girl is expected to leave her family and move to husband and inlaws house and adapt & adjust to the lifestyle of her husband & inlaws. Hence her whole life changes after marriage while her husband can still enjoy his old life as he need not change anything after marriage and he can continue living with his family and maintain old lifestyle.

The life of most of Indian daughter in laws and wives is miserable because she has to live with her in-laws under same roof in a joint family and has to bear the domination and unreasonable behavior and all the nonsense of in-laws. She has to adjust this way not because she wish to but because she has no options as her husband does not support her and expect her to listen to his family and win their hearts. Even though the house is as small as just one bedroom kitchen still inlaws expect that son and daughter in laws stay with them and take care of them aka serve them. WTF?

When this will end and when nuclear family will become popular in India? I can see it is still not popular especially in middle class families. Any Indian girl can only have a luck to stay in nuclear family when her husband has a job in different city as her

Soumya80 · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

But I have a question that what is wrong with wanting a nuclear family.

So when I ask this that what is wrong in wanting a nuclear family doesn't mean that not wanting inlaws. I just say that staying under one roof is not a good idea, because when people who are not blood related will stay under one roof, a difference of opinion will 100% arise, which can cause a rift in family. I would like to take care of my inlaws and also have good relation with them & be there for them when required but not by staying under one roof, unless they are too much weak physically and need help. Also I don't mind sending money and helping parents or inlaws.

But problem is that in Indian society a girl still can't express openly that she want to stay in nuclear family. Her own parents tell her that don't tell this in front of other people because you will be considered as spoiled brat or a girl who have free/bold thinking (Azad Khayalo wali). Many times you can hear old or middle aged ppl saying, ye aaj kal ki ladkiyan, inko starting se hi puri malai khani hai. Aaj kal ki generation bigdi hui etc. blah blah.

When my mother started seeing alliances for me, I told them I want to marry a guy can stay seperate from his parents, my aunt overheard this and ridiculed me and my mom. She told my mom, ask your daughter to not have high dreams and accept the reality, how can she dream of having freedom from starting. My mother told me never ask any guy in an interview that you wish for a nuclear family otherwise he will reject you. And she was not wrong, because I know I have some male friends who wants to marry a girl who can take care of their parents and adjust in their family. This is the mentality of all Indian guys and Indian society. My mom said she will try her best to find such alliance but don't express in front of others that you want nuclear family, and she said that even we are not able to find such guy, then you must marry in joint family but after marriage do something to convince him to stay seperate. Now see, what does this mean, I don't have even freedom to express my thoughts and wishes or else I will be tagged as spoiled brat.

As my mom said, do something to convince him after marriage, does that mean I have to manipulate him, why??? Why can't I express my feelings straight, that I want to stay under a separate roof & also maintain good relation with inlaws & be there for them when required. But I can't say that, because not only the guy think I am a bad girl, but he may tell his family and his family can go around and tell everyone in the community that our son had interviewd that xyz's daughter and she was talking obnoxious with our son in the interview. Really her parents haven't taught her any values. She is a spoiled brat who wants to separate son from his family. Thank god we rejected that brat!!! And then no boy from the community/caste will be interested to marry me and my family will have to bear a humiliation. So this is how our Indian society. While in countires like USA, I wonder if any girl is even required to make clarification before marriage that we will stay separate, I don't think she needs to, because its obvious and implied over there that couple stay in nuclear family only after marriage.

anonymou · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

IMO there is nothing wrong with this wish if you make it clear "before" marriage. What happens generally is what you mom said, that girls agree before marriage for joint family, but later they want to fulfil their dream of nuclear family. This, IMO, is pure dishonesty.
Why be afraid of rejection? If this is the priority, I am sure you would get guys who would comply to this wish though you may have to compromise on other things as the guy may not be as educated or as well settled as you may wish. Yes in US, that is not the expectation, it is implied that married couple will stay separate. But there are so many other things that are different in US. Take for example inheritance. In India, you expect guy's parents property will come to married couple and their progeny but not girl's parents. This distinction does not exist in US. In US, 33% of households where both work, girls earn more than men, same is not true in India.

Yes, the caste/community will ridicule you for having such demands. But why do we care about them? That is because we also tend to use caste/community as a garaunteer for the after-marriage state of affairs. In US, if husband-wife do not get along, nobody bothers the guy's parents. In India, if a girl claims that her husband mistreats her, the caste/community runs to guys parents. What I am saying is, if US model looks preferable, forego that security(or illusion of it) that the community provides and dont care about them.

I am male, and I am all for radical equality of sexes. But the road is two way.

billybob · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

It is probably considered rude to ask them on your first meet, be diplomatic, list your priorities, my parents and myself did not care how well educated or setteled the guy if he was living with his family or in family business, we stayed away from those alliances.

Umlaut · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

Soumya80 said: ↑

But I have a question that what is wrong with wanting a nuclear family.
Click to expand...

Nothing! You have every right to want it. And make it very clear at the beginning itself, so that you can find for yourself such a person who thinks similarly. No use crying over spilt milk after said wedding has already happened into a Joint family. Then you have only yourself to blame for staying quiet when you had the chance to speak up.

Soumya80 said: ↑

But problem is that in Indian society a girl still can't express openly that she want to stay in nuclear family. Her own parents tell her that don't tell this in front of other people because you will be considered as spoiled brat or a girl who have free/bold thinking (Azad Khayalo wali). Many times you can hear old or middle aged ppl saying, ye aaj kal ki ladkiyan, inko starting se hi puri malai khani hai. Aaj kal ki generation bigdi hui etc. blah blah.
Click to expand...

Yes, we most certainly can express our feelings openly. Maybe we don't have to shout all the time. But be very firm and clear about what you want. We are also citizens of India and are entitled to free speech. Yes, I too have heard things like what you wrote: Things like 'bahut tej hai"(she is too fast) when I express my opinion.

Also, have you seen, the people who crush you are not men but other women, especially the Aunty Mafia. The problem in India is we try to please all and sundry. We forget that it is for our happiness that we have to live for and not for pleasing the second cousin of the nephew of the neighbors wife. In an Ideal world, a joint family would comprise of the wife's parents and the husband's parents. But in the real world of India, in a joint family especially, the girl ends up marrying the entire family of the boy. Girl's parents can just come and visit her once or twice a year. How fair is that? But the patriarchal system that we follow in our country, which makes things convenient for the boy's side of the family in every possible way, ensures that.

And yes, express your opinions loud and clear, without worrying about what some Aunty will say. Be 'Tej' and proud of it! Chances are that an independent minded man will admire you for that very trait and want you for it.

Cheers,
-Uma
An Aazad Khayaalo waali

ivlakshmi · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

Hi soumya,

There is no harm in having the wish of living seperately..u can let parents know abt it instead of proceeding with this rishta.. just chk out for rishtas where people are living seperately..
It is obviously considered bad by people if u ask ur fiance side ppl..if u still wish to have they will not consider ur wish..They lie before and do things as per their wish later on..so better be careful in choosing such things..or can give some or the other compatibility reason to get out..better be early than repent later

satchitananda · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

Soumya, there is absolutely nothing wrong in clarifying your stand right at the outset. That way you prevent any kind of heartaches for both yourself and your future husband. Remember, everyone will have plenty to say about your upbringing and your "Azaad Khayalein". But at the end of the day, it will be you and only you who will gave to face the music. No one will support you at that time. People labelled me headstrong and various other "complimentary" things. I don't know where they are today and frankly don't care. I am happy with my decisions and am glad I did things that seemed right to me.

Having said which, you have to consider the possibility that your pils may need to be taken care of when they are old and disabled. What will you do then? Think over it and whatever your ideas about that, discuss them with any eligible prospective who comes to meet you. Remember you owe it to him as well as yourself to be honest - just as much as you would like him to be upfront about everything before you get married. You would not like him springing shocks on you, would you?

vjbunny · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

Dear Soumya,
I too think its better to put forth your case beforehand and the manipulating thing is very bad it will land you in bad phase where you will be left with lots of mental agony if the guy opposes those manipulation...so its better that you see where you tread....let people talk what they want in the it is you who live your life the way you want...

cj1980 · Sep 4, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

Hmm...maybe you can look for educated professionals working abroad or in a different city from his parents?! I know some may think you are after money et al, but that's probably the only practical solution to your plight. It's almost impossible to 'set terms' before marriage if the guy is already living with his folks and I really don't think you can 'inform' them of your wishes because it won't go down well with both your fiance and your ILs.

Carol

raji2678 · Sep 5, 2011

Re: If a women/girl express her wish4 nuclear family is considered spoiled brat in In

One question..Soumya. Do you have brothers? If yes, will you and your mother advocate the same phillosophy of nuclear family for them?

My only suggestion is - remove the mental block you have. Do not see your prospective in-laws as enemies even before marriage. Marriage is both give and take.

I have one suggestion - before you finalise the guy, talk to the spouse of the guy's siblings, and how they are finding the family. All the best.