I wish DIL was more interactive with me..

mslakshmi · Jan 28, 2008

Re: Relationship with-in-laws

Malyatha said: ↑

Madam,

I am saddened to read your post.

My first question to you is, have you talked to your DIL about this? Have you explained how lonely you feel and how you wish she would interact more with you? If not, can you sit her down and talk to her?

Sometimes, an open and frank discussion can solve problems easily.

If your DIL, for some reason, does not want to talk to you, you should try to find other means of keeping busy. Loneliness can be killing. Since you have 10 brothers and sisters, can you spend more time with them? Maybe your DIL is tired after her day at work and just wants to rest in the evenings? She may think that since she lives with you, she should spend the weekend with her parents or friends. The way to approaching this is to talk openly and frankly.

Secondly, don't expect much from DILs. However, you can expect a LOT from your son because he is AND ALWAYS WILL BE YOUR SON! Talk to him about your loneliness, ask him to sit down with you at the end of the day and converse with you. Maybe your DIL will join you both if your son spends time talking to you.

You do not talk about your older son. Is he married? Do you have a good relationship with his wife? Does she work? Can you go and live with them for a while since you are retired?
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Hi Malyatha

Its nice to read yr msg.

Earlier I hv talked with her about this, then she said I do not talk much even in my mother's place. But that statement is wrong, since she used to speak over phone the moment she stepped into the house n keep on talking.

Ya since she is staying with me physically, week-ends she is going out, but I never objected her for that

I hv 3 brothers n 2 sisters in Hyderabad. I used to talk with them but they r also busy with their occupancy.

Ya I hv learned a lesson and don't expect more from dil. My son is in US n y'day only i bursted my feelings to him, while gvg msg to IL and he understood n trying to solve it

My elder son and daughter-in-law are also in US, Maryland. I just came back(Nov.2007) after spending 6 months over there. They r v v friedly n more active n both r working too.I hv no problem with them. Both r matured n looking after me v nicely.

I am spending most of the time cleaning n adjusting the home, cooking n participating in the parties, shoping, gtg vegitables n house hold things n also stitching etc etc.

Now I want to inform u all in one day, after reading all yr lovely msgs and sharing the feelings, my heart became v v v v light n now I became a different woman n got more strength. Thank u ALL INDUSLADIES

With Luv to U ALL.

subbi · Feb 9, 2008

Dear mahalakshmigaru
I agree wih you. my friend s dil who is in usa was being helped by my friend to take care of her grand child.she came alone.illtreatment meated out cannot be explained.
my friend is very cleanness concious. dil use to harp on petty things made her life
miserable. her son henpecked joined her . exactly after 2months my friend s hubby
came from india. mean while came the news that dil is expecting.whole scenerio
changed. she is not harassed asmuch. till today she is unable to comprehend
[relationship between dil and mil is not cordial but not much interaction]
any feedbacks by my friends
subbi

mslakshmi · Feb 9, 2008

subbi said: ↑

Dear mahalakshmigaru
I agree wih you. my friend s dil who is in usa was being helped by my friend to take care of her grand child.she came alone.illtreatment meated out cannot be explained.
my friend is very cleanness concious. dil use to harp on petty things made her life
miserable. her son henpecked joined her . exactly after 2months my friend s hubby
came from india. mean while came the news that dil is expecting.whole scenerio
changed. she is not harassed asmuch. till today she is unable to comprehend
[relationship between dil and mil is not cordial but not much interaction]
any feedbacks by my friends
subbi
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HI Subbi

I understand the situation of yr friend, because same case happened with my friend too. I feel v v sorry for yr friend.
My friend went to US for her dil's delivery, since her parents didn't get VISA. Till delivery she was v v lovely n immdly after delivery,once she came back home, she(DIL) showed her original mentality. She was not allowed my friends' husband to touch the baby. Being TATA garu he wants to share his days with Manamadu. This act of his dil,he cudn't take it n got heart attack too. Luckily he got operated over there n he is fine. She(MIL) did lot of things which v never imagine too.

But here in my case it is different. She wil talk v v less/ limited words/reserved type. She wil never mis-behaved like that. But I know one day she wil become normal, because both hands wil need for claps. Cooly I am waiting for that day. ALL ILS gave me strength, so I am normal n taking the things as they go............

MS

Arunarc · Feb 13, 2008

Dear Lakshmi
I was sorry to hear about your problems but equally happy that you trying to come out of your loneliness. As this was nominated for the Feb post so thot of going through it..
It was nice to read the fbs here...........

The other reason behind this also it might be she is missing your son as both have to stay separately after marriage..........I know you are trying to help her in all the ways possible like a mother you are taking care of her.................Try to approach her like a friend both of you go out for a movie, or shopping or something...........ya these are just some trial and error methods we can try them out, just to make her feel free in communicating with you..........get her actively involved in some of your work or you can get involved in her work, spend more time with her out of the house then inside the house this helps sometimes.

roopadadia · Feb 14, 2008

Dear Lakshmi,

Nice to know that you are involving yourself in other activities too. I know that i maybe much younger to you...but still some suggestions:

- As you mentioned that you were working earlier...but not interested any longer and also your sons will not allow you to do so...then why not associate with some old age home or orphanage or any other institute and spend a couple of hours daily or maybe couple of days a week. This is very satisfying. Also you are a pshychology specialist...i am sure your inputs will help them a lot.
- you are an active member of the walking club...start yoga and laughter club along with it.
- pursue any hobbies that you couldn't do so far

Where your DIL is concerned.
- i would suggest don't think too much about her...do your duties but don't expect anything in return...you will feel much better
- If she is not working, then at times let her do the house work and you relax and enjoy.
- if she is good at something then show interest and try to learn that from her...don't think i am elder so why should i...think learning new things is an on-going process.
- some day call her parents and family n have a small party at home.
- if her b'day is round the corner..plan a surprise party for her taking into confidence someone who is close to her, this may help in breaking the ice and show that you are concerned and take good care of her even though her husband is not around.
- some day encourage her to call her friends over for lunch or dinner...i.e if ever you take a call of her friend suggest this to them that they should all come to your place over luch or dinner.
- also there are many other suggestions from others.

Try to refrain from doing anything that can get controversial...hence be diplomatic...i know it is difficult...but for me circumstances have made me diplomatic.

Warm regards
Roopa.

Rach · Feb 29, 2008

Dear Mrs. Laxmi,

I can understand your problem. All though i am very younger to you, i am a DIl too, but in my case, its been me who's on the suffering end, my MIL has her daughters always by her side, their frequent visits, stay at my place...but no one ever shares anything with me, i am left alone. All though i am working, but my mind is always at home with my 3 yr old baby, whom they dont take care properly. I longed to chat with them, they never involve me in any matters.

I would suggest you, keep yourself busy, remain calm and we at IL are always there to listen to you.

Rachna:hiya

harshbharathi · Feb 29, 2008

Re: Relationship with-in-laws

mslakshmi said: ↑

:thankyou2:

Hi rya

Its good to receive a nice response from u, even though I don't u n u don't me. Being a Working woman till 2000, I can understand this generations
'peoples mentality and more over I am a Psychology student.

:iagree with all yr quotes and as u said there may be other resons............??????? or one of the reasons. If there is no conversation, there is no question of argument at all. As I said I wil take care in all respects as mother. But due to her busy schedule ......she might be behaving like that. And her parents r lived closeby, so during holidays, she wil go there. As such there is no fight. Only no conversation expect few words like "going to walking, office, mummy's place or friends' place or elso if my son asks to convey anything, that she wil convey.

What I feel is there is no binding in the relationship. Anyway better I wil speak to her
and many many thanks to u for yr immdt response.

A small quote.........Now I hv recd a response from u..I felt v v v happy, even though v r strangers. At this age, we want such type of environment and I am gtg it thru Indusladies. Thanks to Indusladies

Hv a nice day. bye

MS Lakshmi
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Hello Lakshmi,

I can understand your problem.
I am a DIL and I live along with my MIL .I have two sons one 3yrs old and other recently born.
To me ,my MIL does not share any of her feelings , but would spend hrs on phone talking abt the problem with her sister nearby .Never she asked me help to go to hospital when she is not feeling well and any other help like geting medicines, vegetables etc. She does not allow me to cook , during the past four yrs of married life , I would have hardly cooked for two / three weeks (Imagine) . Even when I want to cook , she would say I don;t know, these don't knows continues even now in all fields at home.

I delibrately go and ask if I can help her out , that's it .
Becos of her attitude like this, I never feel like telling any of her mental / physical problem. I look for my husband / mother for such sharing.....I feel I am right from my perspective since I am silent natured and talk only limitedly even to friends.My MIL was complaining abt this to everyone during early days of marriage and now it's usual thing for her and me . I still long for a day , when my MIL would talk to me abt her feelings and treat me like her daughter .But, never this has happened and even now my MIL feels that she is treating me like her daughter , but I am not at all feeling like that ...still she is my MIL not my mother . She simply goes out for shopping / some trip but tell me "poyttu varen" only at the last minute. She never feels that she shd inform me ...(Tell a word abt it) . But , I shd inform her such things well in advance.

It's good that u want to treat DIL like your daughter, load her with tonnes of love which you have showed on yr own daughter . Talk to her like a friend , she definitely will listen and speak out.

Wishes !!!!

roopadadia · Mar 5, 2008

Dear Lakshmi,

Was just wondering how you have been. Do drop in a line as to how you are coping up.

Warm regards
Roopa.

mslakshmi · Mar 31, 2008

Re: Relationship with-in-laws

ria2006 said: ↑

Dear M S Laxmi Mam,

First of all a daughterly Hug.. :cheers. I am so glad to know that at least you are helping your DIL whatever way you can. Now in this scenario it looks like she is just using all the comforts of being at home and not providing companionship to you in return. No not all the today's generation girls are this selfish. This is self-centred behaviour shown by your DIL. And since she is staying at home. You need to talk to her openly about it.
People normally take things granted if no one is compalining. I am 30 years old, And until four years back, i used to stay in paying guest accomodations. Even despite of being paid guest, our landlord lady used to expect us to socialise with her. And we all used to be very friendly to her. Its huamn trait to do it. Those gals who used to keep to themselves, Aunty used to ask them to leave. She used to say, after everything she expects people to add liveliness to her own life also. And I think s very basic ask. So you are not wrong here. And its not generation problem. Its just plain selfish attitude of her. You just need to explicitly explain her, that since her accomodation needs are catered, you expect her to socialise with you atleast for sometime in a day. Be open about, how do you miss not having someone to talk to.
There is no harm in explicitly explaining your desire to her. She being DIL should understand it by default. But some people are more selfish than others.So we have to ask our share from them.

All the best
Ria
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Hi Ria My daughter and all ILS

After a long time I am back again.

Really I am v v happy for the support given by U ALL ILS and with the help of that only I became normal n keep myself busy occupying with other subjects.

Now I want to share my good moods with u all.
My DIL went to her mom n spent there for a while. Because of all yr influence(thru msgs), I cud take it easy n I was normal as usual n keeping myself busy.

She came back recently n behaving normally. I never complained to her parents also. I am waiting for the day............I know she wil definitely realise her mistake on her own n wil b normal. Now it has happened.

Once again thanks to u all for giving more strength when I was in a bad situation.

M S LakshmiHarharBig LaughBig Laugh

Arunarc · Mar 31, 2008

Re: Relationship with-in-laws

Dear Lakshmi
It is really nice to know that all is going on well and is back to normal and u have tried to keep yourself busy.
Thanks for sharing your good mood with all of us here.

mslakshmi said: ↑

Hi Ria My daughter and all ILS

After a long time I am back again.

Really I am v v happy for the support given by U ALL ILS and with the help of that only I became normal n keep myself busy occupying with other subjects.

Now I want to share my good moods with u all.
My DIL went to her mom n spent there for a while. Because of all yr influence(thru msgs), I cud take it easy n I was normal as usual n keeping myself busy.

She came back recently n behaving normally. I never complained to her parents also. I am waiting for the day............I know she wil definitely realise her mistake on her own n wil b normal. Now it has happened.

Once again thanks to u all for giving more strength when I was in a bad situation.

M S LakshmiHarharBig LaughBig Laugh
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