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I wish DIL was more interactive with me..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mslakshmi, Jan 28, 2008.

  1. mslakshmi

    mslakshmi Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All

    I want to discuss the relationship with daughter-in law ad Mother-in-law

    I hv two sons n I am a single parent. Both sons r married and in USA.

    The elder son setteled over there n the second one just completed his studies and waiting for a suitable job. Second daughter-in-law is working in India and recently myself and second daughter in law visited US n came back. Since my second son is (even though doing some job) undergoing training n waiting for a job, my daughter-in-law came back n continued her job.

    She stayed back in our house, but she hardly speaks with me for eg. in a day one or two words. She is always over phone either with friends or with her parents / maternal relatives. I hv taken v.retirement n stay back home, before their marriage, since my elder son was setteled. I wil cook and take care of her, since I know about working ladies. I am belonging a big family (Total 10 members, brothers(4) and sisters(6)) n always wants with some people around. Here even though my d-i-law is with me, I am feeling lonely. Since I am not having daughters, I am looking after my kodallu as my kuturlu. But, now this young generation they r different. When I was a daughter-in-law, I used to give respect to my in laws and they looked after me as their daughter. I want to repeat the same, but here no proper response. Present generation people, they r selfish n they wil think themselves only. They won't share their feelings also, since they hv cell phones, they can talk/chat or browse thru computers and can spend time whatever the way they want. I am not blaming these people. The present state of life is like that.

    In my case, really I am feeling lonely lonely lonely. [​IMG] That is the main reason I am spending my time in front of system n involving with Indusladies TEAM. Some times I feel like crying, but some times I feel that ya I hv many people n I can share my feelings with them. Thanks to Indusladies.

    M S Lakshmi
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2008
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  2. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    hello MS Lakshmi,
    i can totally understand your problem..iam very very younger to you so,i can think about this generation daughter in law's mentality..As generation pass by,people are changing basically due to their improved environment and everybody is educated equal to men. So,nowadays,girls are brought up in a different manner and their environment is like everywhere they have to meet new people including men..So,naturally their thinking will be different from the previous generation.iam not supporting your daughter in law but todays environment has changed totally..You can better talk openly with your daughter in law softly regarding this..please do not cry..May be if they feel that they have to maintain their individuality( todays girls do not like too much interference in their personal matters) in thinking,they may behave like that or another reason may be if they say something to their mother in law,and if the mother in law take it otherwise wrongly,unnecesary fights will bloom,so,to avoid this they may talk very few words..and there may be other reasons also...you can talk openly to your daughter in law regarding this,but try to avoid unnecesary arguments as this may end up in bitter relationship...good luck..i just said whatever i know..i may be right or wrong..but as a matter of concern,i just told you..:hatsoff
     
  3. mslakshmi

    mslakshmi Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    :thankyou2:

    Hi rya

    Its good to receive a nice response from u, even though I don't u n u don't me. Being a Working woman till 2000, I can understand this generations
    'peoples mentality and more over I am a Psychology student.

    :iagree with all yr quotes and as u said there may be other resons............??????? or one of the reasons. If there is no conversation, there is no question of argument at all. As I said I wil take care in all respects as mother. But due to her busy schedule ......she might be behaving like that. And her parents r lived closeby, so during holidays, she wil go there. As such there is no fight. Only no conversation expect few words like "going to walking, office, mummy's place or friends' place or elso if my son asks to convey anything, that she wil convey.

    What I feel is there is no binding in the relationship. Anyway better I wil speak to her
    and many many thanks to u for yr immdt response.

    A small quote.........Now I hv recd a response from u..I felt v v v happy, even though v r strangers. At this age, we want such type of environment and I am gtg it thru Indusladies. Thanks to Indusladies[​IMG]

    Hv a nice day. bye

    MS Lakshmi[​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2008
  4. Anushiv

    Anushiv Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    Dear Lakshmi Gaaru,

    I personally feel the only solution to your problem is ' Keep yourself busy'! Well, let me tell you about the other side of the coin. AND PLEASE ACCEPT MY SINCERE APOLIGY, IF IT HURTS YOU. Your D- L is the opinion that your ' idle' 'nagging' always monitoring', indulging in to others private business, single & lonely neither she (you) does know how to live happily nor allow others to be happy, I ( DL) know very well, she has toiled a lot & brought up her sons with all hardships now that doesn't mean we're obliged to her & report to her everything. Respect should not be demanded. It should come automatically when we see a person...sorry; I am not able to show any respect be'cos 24hrs she stays at home...like a watchdog, taking every note of my movement.I want privacy & freedom to think,talk & act of mine...."

    So, in order break the ice. Lakshmi gaaru, if you're physically fit. Pls. take up a part-time job or do voluntary service. Otherwise, please be an active participant to community club like ' Indus Ladies'. We need people like you. Elderly, matured ladies who has plenty of time to spare. Join us, be an active participant, help the new ILites with your solution or talk about your town, share your experience, start-writing blogs,
    Share your talents. We are here to acknowledge...enter in to a different world; we are here to respect you & admire you!
     
  5. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    Dear MS,
    I am writing to you to first tell you that your post really touched a chord somewhere. It made me do a quick review of how I am doing as a daughter and as a DIL. Luckily my mil has a daughter. J Thanks for prompting me to revisit the most important chapter in life – relationships.

    I can feel your genuinely strong desire to share a bond with your DIL. I can also understand your loneliness.

    While I belong to this generation, I usually try not to support my generation just because I belong to it. I can completely understand your situation.

    I do agree that sometimes we (meaning our generation) become too engrossed in our own lives to the point that we take relationships for granted. It is unintentional in most cases, but it does happen. And most of the times there are enough reasons to justify our busyness – fast paced world, hyper competitive world, survival of the fittest slogan, more opportunities and many such reasons. But sometimes we need to take a step back and see what we are losing in the process. Most of the times the immediate thing that we take stock of is the gains. The losses that are incurred due to these gains are something that dawn upon us only latter in life. I personally think about this a lot. I will not say I think about it daily but I do frequently. And I try to keep correcting myself. My generation and the ones coming should remember to do this exercise often.

    Other than the reasons I have listed above, there are some other factors that contribute to this focus on “self” and the immediate world around us. We mostly live in nuclear families today, kids leave home to study or take up a job in another city at an early age. This gives them the feeling “I should take care of myself as much as possible”. There are advantages to all of this, such as developing ones decision making abilities, making one more responsible, and becoming self-sufficient. With these advantages also come a few disadvantages of becoming very independent, creating our own world away and apart from the world we left and getting engrossed in the new world. So some of the things this happen due to these changed circumstances today.

    I really don’t have any suggestion for you per say. I am not at that stage and age in life where I think it is my place to suggest something on a topic such as this to someone like you, who has experienced life much much more than I have.

    However, just out of sheer affection, I would like to write a few things that come to my mind.

    Has your DIL been married for long? As rya has suggested, may be she is just treading cautiously. May be trying to open up an interesting conversation with her or joining her in a couple of shopping trips or may be going for a movie together may break some of the ice. Sometimes we need to do things that are in-the-face niceties - things that give people instant pleasure and enjoyment in our companionship. These are few of those.

    Also, it is a fact that we share the strongest bonds with people who have seen us through thick and thin. And this takes time – a lot of years. Just participating in the thick and thin in her life and she in yours, will slowly make her shed the inhibition and bring you both closer, i.e. if this is the reason for her distancing behavior.

    Other than that, I guess you are doing a great thing by diverting your energies towards things that make you happy, like joining Indusladies. Do think of other things such as these that make you feel good.

    Once again, thanks so much for reviving for me the higher goal of all of this work we incessantly do on a daily basis. The higher goal being - building, nurturing and enjoying strong and long-lasting relationships..

    I wish you loads of happiness, friendships and moments of togetherness!
    SS

     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    Madam,

    I am saddened to read your post.

    My first question to you is, have you talked to your DIL about this? Have you explained how lonely you feel and how you wish she would interact more with you? If not, can you sit her down and talk to her?

    Sometimes, an open and frank discussion can solve problems easily.

    If your DIL, for some reason, does not want to talk to you, you should try to find other means of keeping busy. Loneliness can be killing. Since you have 10 brothers and sisters, can you spend more time with them? Maybe your DIL is tired after her day at work and just wants to rest in the evenings? She may think that since she lives with you, she should spend the weekend with her parents or friends. The way to approaching this is to talk openly and frankly.

    Secondly, don't expect much from DILs. However, you can expect a LOT from your son because he is AND ALWAYS WILL BE YOUR SON! Talk to him about your loneliness, ask him to sit down with you at the end of the day and converse with you. Maybe your DIL will join you both if your son spends time talking to you.

    You do not talk about your older son. Is he married? Do you have a good relationship with his wife? Does she work? Can you go and live with them for a while since you are retired?
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    Dear M S Laxmi Mam,

    First of all a daughterly Hug.. :cheers. I am so glad to know that at least you are helping your DIL whatever way you can. Now in this scenario it looks like she is just using all the comforts of being at home and not providing companionship to you in return. No not all the today's generation girls are this selfish. This is self-centred behaviour shown by your DIL. And since she is staying at home. You need to talk to her openly about it.
    People normally take things granted if no one is compalining. I am 30 years old, And until four years back, i used to stay in paying guest accomodations. Even despite of being paid guest, our landlord lady used to expect us to socialise with her. And we all used to be very friendly to her. Its huamn trait to do it. Those gals who used to keep to themselves, Aunty used to ask them to leave. She used to say, after everything she expects people to add liveliness to her own life also. And I think s very basic ask. So you are not wrong here. And its not generation problem. Its just plain selfish attitude of her. You just need to explicitly explain her, that since her accomodation needs are catered, you expect her to socialise with you atleast for sometime in a day. Be open about, how do you miss not having someone to talk to.
    There is no harm in explicitly explaining your desire to her. She being DIL should understand it by default. But some people are more selfish than others.So we have to ask our share from them.

    All the best
    Ria
     
  8. mslakshmi

    mslakshmi Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws

    Hi SS
    Really I hv wondered for yr efforts while writing such a big reply n take pains for me. Ya people r there around me, then why i shd feel lonely. I hv read all yr points like Plus and minus and self evolving at times and I like it. I know my dil wil definitely understand me n wil b normal. My patience wil definetely change her. I spoke this matter with my son too n he said he wil solve this matter while talking with her.
    Once again I am appreciating yr opinions and many many thanks for yr concern. I got more more strength, while reading all yr msgs. Ya there many ILS like you with whom I can share my happiness/sorrow and experiences too. I want that much only. Today I am very happy. Thanks to u all.

    MS[​IMG]
     
  9. mslakshmi

    mslakshmi Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws


    Hi Ria

    Hearty Welcome my daughter n accepted yr Lovely Hug. U know my younger sister's daughters name also RHEA. What a coincide.

    I hv read yr msg thoroughly. Ya I wil accept yr feelings. Now I am gtg strength after reading all yr msgs. All these days this is hiding in my heart n was suffering. Now I hv exposed it out and receiving all corners of msgs to think more and more about this point n analize in a proper way. Now My heart became v v llight. Thanks to all of u.
    M S Lakshmi
     
  10. mslakshmi

    mslakshmi Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Relationship with-in-laws


    Hi Anushiv

    Thank u for yr heartfelt msg. But pls don't use APOLIGY word, since u r like my daughter. If not, why u hv taken such pain n respond immdly while gvg such big response. After reading all the msgs I felt v happy n my mind became normal. Now I got from u all which I was lacking. Thanks to u all.

    Even though I am physically OK, I do not want to take up any job. My sons wil not accept for that. I wil keep busy myself doing something or the other, but how long. At one point I need some one to talk. That despiration motivated me to write that letter. Now I spoke to my son too y'day n explained my problems. He consoled me and said that wil solve the problem.

    I am a Life Member of our Walkers Club, situated in our colony. I used to participate actively in their activities, which occured now and then.

    As u said that u need people like me, I wil definitely participate actively in this Club and share and exchange the views with all of u.

    Now I am fine and once again thank u all for the early n immdt response and removed my pain from my heart.

    Hv a nice day n enjoy.

    MS Lakshmi:hatsoff
     

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