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i want to be a better mom.. pls help!!

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by nebula2009, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. nebula2009

    nebula2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi ladies
    I'm a mother of two boys aged 4 and 2.. Both of them are intelligent and very naughty.. They just don't sit in a place.. I'm taking care of them all alone.. My in laws lives nearby they look after them for few hours.. My husband is into night shifts so I'm all alone at night with two of my sons.. The problem here is I get extremely irritated and angry when my kids get too playful jumping on each other or from a table or doing any messy work.. I keep telling them but they hardly listen so I end up shouting at them or even beatong my elder one!! I know its an abuse. But I just can't control my temper. I keep crying at the end of the day feeling guilty. I have tried to change myself but failed everytime.
    I was not like this before. I come from a reputed family.. My parents never hit us. I don't even remember my mom yelling at me.. All my siblings have a single child they take care of them very well. All my siblings have marital problems but they remain cool and composed towards their children. I used to be the same before marriage. Took care of my sisters and brother:s kids very well but now.. I never dreamt I would behave like this. I'm ashamed. No vent.. My family don't even believe that I'm bringing up kids like this.. So I don't open up to them.. Pls help me change for better. I believe this thread is going to help me a lot...
     
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  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all you are not a bad mom. You are just human. We all are. Don’t beat yourself up for this.
    Now 2 years of age is when the kid would star exploring things on his own/ test the limits etc. And at 4 is when the they get more independent. I see having this combination can be very tiring, especially when the spouse is working nights (trust me, I know. Mine works nights too). Here are some of the things that come to my mind that can help you from getting irritated and lash out on the kids:


    1. Bring some routine into the house hold. Almost like a flexible timetable. Say after breakfast, you three would go take a walk in the park/ apartment building. Then the snack time followed by some play with toys. Then nap…and so on. Kids thrive with some predictability.
    2. When the in-laws/parents/husband is with the kids, take that time out for yourself. Do things that you want to do alone. Like going to a parlor or catching up with a friend or just hanging out at the coffee shop or go shopping (even if its grocery shopping). You need some “ME” time.
    3. Watch for the triggers of the anger. I am not myself when I am hungry. Watch for the sigs and make sure you satisfy whatever you need to.
    4. When you see the anger rising, walk away from the moment. Take a few moments for yourself (going to bathroom or making coffee is my favorite) to compose yourself. You will address the issue much more efficiently when you are calm.
    5. Designate a play area at home. For me, my LO is allowed to play in the family room, her bed room and at times in the dining room (and of course basement). Other places also she can play but is expected to take the toys with her when she leaves the room.
    6. Always remember that you cannot win all the battles. Like if he wants to wear those really yucky PJs that you detest and should have long thrown in the dustbin, so be it. Let him wear it. If he wants to skip just one snack, let him. No biggie (of course don’t make this a habit). Pick your battles wisely.
    7. Give them choices. My DD (3 years) used to make a big fuss before changing her into bed time cloths. When I started offering 2 or 3 pairs and ask to choose herself, she felt like she is in control of that situation. Same thing with breakfast. The pancakes she wants to eat gets eaten with little or no effort while I struggle to feed her a piece of roti (or vice versa).
    8. Praise them for good behavior and adapt a method to discipline for bad behavior.
    9. Have I mentioned routine yet? Get that in place.

    It must be very hard to cope with 2 super active toddlers. Hugs to you.
     
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  3. nebula2009

    nebula2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi rakhii
    Thanks for replying.. I really like the idea of walking away for sometime but the thing is both are toddlers if I leave from the spot even for a minute someone will get hurt and start crying.. Anyway Will try to get away for few seconds and see. Will try that..
    Will definitely try and plan an activity routine..
    If they both are in to risky playing its better to divert them to other stuff like book reading or drawing or painting or even eating.. My brains are too tired to keep them entertained and occupied:exactly: anyway will try it..
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Nebula by this age, they both know what is seriously harmful and what is not. If you still have doubts, then your home is not sufficiently child proofed. My 3 year old can spent 20 mins at a stretch in her room with no major issues to speak of...i.e when I go for a shower or bathroom (i leave my door open, just in case. I am not trying to brag here but just saying that the 4 year old should be OK for a few minutes alone). Check the whole place and remove everything that can potentially be hazardous. 2 year old maybe too hard but with a 4 year old, you should be able to leave him alone for a few mins.

    Either that or I am seriously underestimating your boys...lol
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    and oh, not to forget, my parents never hit me. But i believe my dad used to be chased by his mom with a broom stick almost every day. Just saying...hehehe
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    They are boys. Relax. they will not kill each other and they will be fine.

    I think part of the problem is your expectations -- of them and yourself. You have created this belief in your mind that only if you are actively involved in engaging them is it safe or good or desirable. Now the situation is
    1. you are taking care of them 24/7
    2. there is one of you and 2 of them so you are outnumbered! :) first of all! and
    3. they each of them have 10 times your energy. so total 20 times your energy along with no brains (as to what is safe and unsafe I mean) okay ?
    Just trying to show you that you have set yourself an impossible task. yes you cannot do it and yes you are definitely going to lose it if this continues.

    My suggestion would be to clear out one room of any dangerous items or sharp objects, make it completely childsafe in every way possible and then let them freely play there.Meanwhile you sit in the same room with a book ot your ipad, only to supervise not to involve actively. Itemise your fears, eg., if you are afraid they will climb up and fall then remove the tables and block access to any points in the room they can climb to. Make the room safe then leave them alone! and let them at it. Remember if they are jumping and chasing each other they are entertaining themselves which means you dont have to do it. So one less work for you.

    like this find environments where you dont have to continuously involve with hem or say no continuously and let them play there for a few hours each day. consider that your break. For eg., letting them into your glass curio filled, showpiece snow white drawing room means 99% of the time you are on edge screaming no no. In contrast in a kids park where they can play on all the equipment and run and scream with no problems is a place you wil say no no 1% of the time and 99% of the time whatever they do is okay. same with a child safe kids room filled with all their toys. hope you get the idea.
    boys are easy they just want to run up and down continuously -- maybe it is to burn off their energy. provide outlets for them to do so regularly for 2-3 hours everyday either by taking to park everyday or playing in your garden or in a safe room and rest of the time they will be little lambs. one plus of their playing like that is it will tire them out. then home to a nice hot bath, dinner and they will be asleep in no time.
     
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  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Nebula

    hugs, and if it is of a solace i still think the same after 20 years of motherhood. i wish i was better..don't we all. just relax and understand that this is one of the tough jobs, and a tough phase and it would have been wonderful if we had a manual along. believe me no two children are same. i have a daughter and a son and if i were to say i have dreaded how my daughter will harm my son, would it be shocking. yes my daughter is elder and was around 4 and she did hurt my son and the extent of that i will not discuss here. but the reason i will disclose here.

    Remember never to compare the dynamics of other family and kids with yours. and when you were with your niece or nephew you never had a expectation or yardstick that you seem to have as Sandya has duly pointed.

    Take all the help you can, get your me time. and also talk to your husband. sometimes the frustation of not having quality time with your husband with his shifts could reverberate in you actions, especially when you are saturated at the end of the day, and feel helpless.

    just take a deep breath and imagine how would you like if the kids were silent and sitting calm in a place without any of the playfulness, impishness, you would start wondering what was wrong. beleive me whatever be your feelings at that moment of tiredness or frustrations you would not want to exchange a single thing.

    Coming to your kids, you are better mom, not when you don't scold them, hit them or when you children are well behaved (naturally or due to fear of repurcussions), you are one when you are able to connect to your child.

    define time-outs, rules. show them you are in charge. be consistent and don't waver. be cool and collect yourself during a episode, observe how they react to you to you when you scream/hit . then tell yourself, that they kids will get used to the behaviour of yours and will give a @#$# to all this in a few years. the younger will try to emulate the elder too. have them realise that you mean business and they need to follow your instructions or they will have to forego something say a toy or a outing that they would have enjoyed a lot and don't give in even if you feel bad. remember consistency is the key, and tell your in-laws you need their co-operation in the same. or these kiddo are the greatest manipulators and can work on you from the other end. never let go of your authority. and that does not mean it should be hard. you can be soft and firm and authoritative.

    My children, the only weapon was my silence. i would/do go silent if i am upset/cross. they know i mean business if i stop talking. (that said i did have a period of shouting/screaming due to my illness and workload and other problems)

    do you have a garden or a children's park let them exhaust their energy. children don't liked to be cooped up period. join hands with parents who have kids in your neighbourhood. going to the park at the same time will give you 6/8 pair of eyes instead of just 2. cultivate that kind of backup.

    their attention spans are so small.Give them work for their brains. they want new games, new ways to be engaged. no wonder it is a more than a full time job. that said, you always can have a quiet story time by the 7/8. make things easy for yourself. coloring, building blocks involving both of them, before bed -time and play some soothing music.

    and one thing that really is glaringly obvious to me, hitting the elder one. why?? the elder one alone. he is also a child and he is 4. why are you looking up to him to be more responsible and disciplined? if so i am sorry to say but sometimes, child is a child. you never know if your 2 year old is instigating or starting of a row/game luring the elder one. you please stop setting the trend of hiting or shouting only at the elder one, with age your elder one should not resent being elder. and my daughter resented my giving more attention to my son who was a very sick boy and a special child. the day she understood the reasons, she was the best sister a person could ask for.(touchwood)

    During the bed times, you assure your elder that you love him.

    tell them softly how wrong you are in getting worked up, but you are helpless and would love a little more help from both your kids. that you would like them to enjoy playing, and you are scared of them getting hurt, and the fear is why you shout. with slow communication i am sure they will understand. now don't say my 2 year will not. your two year will. it is nothing wrong in accepting our mistakes and saying sorry.

    And get down and play with your kids. it is ok if the house looks dirty.

    and now the most important thing that has helped me. "I don't give a damn to how perfect my mother, my grandmother, my xyz relative was/is", i believe and focus on what i am doing, and learning on the job, i don't want to be a perfect or the world's best mother, i just want to be there with my kid, for my kid connected and somebody she/he can turn to in time of need and not just keep bottling things inside.
     
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  8. nebula2009

    nebula2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    My elder one is completely fine and safe when left alone. I can even take my bath and work in the kitchen. The problem is when both are together..
     
  9. racr

    racr Platinum IL'ite

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    @Shanvy,

    Really needed to read this today! Feeling like a really bad mom for the past few days..thanks! God bless!
     
  10. nebula2009

    nebula2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for replying.. Shanvy and sandhya.. There I'd no garden or outside place to place in our apartment.. I will take them to terrace for sometime. Will try taking them to a nearby park for sure
     

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