I want my in-laws to MOVE OUT!

ok, let's not jump the gun to divorce. There is still hope for this marriage. I think your & hubby should sit down and figure out a way out of this mess. If those inlaws are around when you get pregnant, your problems will just escalate. Eventually adding more un-needed stress and affecting your pregnancy. You can have kids and count on day care. We did the daycare routine for both kids.
But first work out a plan on getting them out of the house. Why give them a choice about moving to your bil's house. Just let your husband be firm and tell them that this is what's going to happen. This should come from him NOT you! They are his parents and he needs to take the initiative. Talk with hubby about this and see where it goes from there. all the best dear.

 

Dear Paneha,

It seems you have everything in life but happiness... rocking job, awesome city, loving husband. I feel very sad for you. Let me just be 100% frank. I'm so sick of hearing about inlaws nasty behavior to dil's, it really makes my blood boil. Who do these people think they are to treat you in such a way that you even consider killing yourself? Rant

This outdated Indian mentality of birth a son and rule over him from cradle to grave has got to be stopped. Paneha, stand up and stop this maddness. My inlaws ruled over me day in and day out, I tried to put up with it, but there came a day when I had enough. I either wanted them out of our lives or I wanted divorce. Now they are out of our lives. At first I felt I was breaking tradition, not showing respect, making wrong decision, but looking back breaking away from them was the BEST decision me and my dh ever made.

You know Paneha, buying a house, having a baby, growing old with your husband are all beautiful things you have yet to experience. But if you are sad and miserable because of your inlaws, all these experiences will just pass you by in a blur. This sadness you feel now will hover over you the rest of your life unless you get out from under it. I've heard a lot of people say, "take care of inlaws, they won't be around forever." But come on! At least another 10-15 years. Life is short, nobody should sacrifice a decade of their life and live the way you are now. :thumbsdown

I remember crying everyday too, and my heart goes out to you, because I know how you are feeling right now. Forgive me if I sound rude, but the behavior of your inlaws has really disgusted me. Even if they did offer to help take care of your future children, the stress of having them around would not be worth it. Maybe a nanny will cost a lot, but you can't put a price tag on happiness, right Paneha?

If I were you I would talk to your husband TODAY about the options you guys have (inlaws moving in with other son or back to India) and then TOMORROW let your inlaws know their options. Give them a week or so to decide which option they prefer, and then go through with it. If for some reason they choose India but delay their move, default to the option of them moving in with their other son. It's going to be up to your husband to enforce this. If he doesn't, then maybe you should reconsider your relationship with him. If he can see you in this much pain and still allow his parents to live with you, what is the point? :confused2:

It's almost 2009. Make your new years resolution to live your life in happiness, freedom, and peace. Maybe other's will tell you that you are wrong, but they can't stand for you in your place. In the end it is your life, your happiness, your pain... your decision.

Take care Paneha.

p.s. you said you are gujarati, are your inlaws too? mine are. i wonder if they are from around the same place, maybe there is something in the water there. :rotfl

 

Paneha,

You story made me wonder, how sometime very wise woman can be drawn to hysterical limits by insensitive and selfish relatives. Your In-laws do desreve those adjectives to the hilt. But I see bigger culprit than them. Its your husband. How can he just impose so many one-sided plans and never take your consent?Was it discussed with you before your -n-laws landed here forever?

Even if it was not. I think you have already shown enough patience and tolerance to them. Its time you show your firm and assertive self. What good are in-laws if after freeloading so much also, they say NO to support the baby even before it happens. Utterly mean grand parents!! You really dont need such stress in life.

I read some refrence to how on this forum age-old people will give you advice about respecting your in-laws and tolerating them. I am first generation immigrant. And I dont know any lady in India who will tolerate such in-laws with conditions you are in. So I dont think its anything to do with being first generation or tenth generation Immigrant. Its more to do with how you steer of difficult situations in life. Your situation is actually not that difficult. All you got to do is , show your frustration and utter your stand. Either your ILs stay in the house or you stay!! Its as simple as that. I dont think there is any point trying to adjust with people who just dont want to understand your side.

If I were you. I would take two months off and visit to India with spouse and in-laws and make sure they are settled well in India. And then come back and resume my life. Any problem big or small need thoughful and sane mind. Nothing else. Your husband needs to show his stand in action rather than words. To my mind, no parents can torture their DIL if the son is firm and clear about his stand. Its only in case of weak and condescending son's case where parents take DIL for ride.

And lastly, never ever think of suicide. Did you study all those 20-25 years to get bogged down by some stranger elderly people and die anonymously? Life is like a school, where each day we learn a new lesson to tackle complexity, unpleasentness and negativity. If you get bogged down by these everyday trivial issues, what will you teach your kids. One needs to do their struggle to make their little world. Sometime the struggle involves being stern to own people. But in the end it was never between you and them. It was only between your inner self and you. If deep down you feel you have done enough and have had enough, then its time you pay attention to your bleeding self than anything else. Nothing in life is more precious than preserving your peace of mind and desire to life. Whenever some situation had drained your desire and verve to life, its blaring red signal that you have let things go way beyond their limits.

All the best
Ria

 

Hi Paneha,

Everyone here is giving you the right advise. i am not much of a counselor , but I could not help from posting after I read your post.

What amazes me is that why women like you who have complete control of their lives at least financially and socially, fall into such situations. Why is it that despite your education and upbringing you are unable to get yourself out of this mess?

Get in charge of your life, and take some action to improve your condition. You do not deserve the crap your in-laws are giving you. Get them out of your house by any means , send them back to India as soon as possible. It should not be very difficult for you with your legal mind. If women like you give up so easily, what will become of those who have nothing to hang on to.

All the best.

 

Hey Dont ever of think of dying.
I really would like to compliment ur parents for making u into a fine girl who has put up with all this nonsense for so long without complaining.But now u talk all this and what will they feel.
U talk of divorce Will it really make u happy...to loose such a nice husband.

Hey u r a lawyer ..they r ways of dealing with all this and hammerring urself is surely not one.

Think lady u will surely find one.

 

Ria2006

Since I was one of the contributors who mentioned being a 4th-generation immigrant, I wanted to clarify the relevance. You say (please excuse my method of quoting, I'm having trouble with some of the applications on IL):

"I am first generation immigrant. And I dont know any lady in India who will tolerate such in-laws with conditions you are in. So I dont think its anything to do with being first generation or tenth generation Immigrant. Its more to do with how you steer of difficult situations in life."

I think it does matter where we're from. When seeking to solve a problem between two parties of vastly different backgrounds, it helps for each party to try to understand the context of the other party. This means, for Paneha to seek a solution, she needs to understand why her in-laws behave the way they do, and for them to cooperate with her, they need to understand her needs.

I may be a 4th-generation Indian immigrant, but I am married to an Indian man. This means I have Indian in-laws (from India). They are nice people, but we've had some pretty fundamental disagreements about basic principles of life in the last few years. What's gotten us through potentially rocky patches is the acknowledgement and understanding that although we are all Indian at some level, essentially, we are from different cultures. They have been very understanding of me (eventually, after they came to South Africa and saw what my life was like), and I have made every effort to understand them. If we had both pretended our different backgrounds didn't matter, I doubt we would have been able to develop the understanding and tolerant relationship we have now.

I only mentioned the differences to give Paneha an idea of what may be causing the problem. Even if we don't agree with the way her in-laws are behaving, we cannot just dismiss what they are doing outright. They have certain fixed ideas about how things should be, and while Paneha shouldn't be a victim as a result of their ideas, it will only further her cause if she is aware of the situational and contextual factors that make them behave the way they do.

This may be why Paneha is a great lawyer and very effective human being in the American context in which she grew up, but she's so much at the mercy of the manipulations of these people at home. It's essentially the collision of different worlds (with apologies to George Costanza) that renders her normal methods of controlling her life ineffectual in this situation in her own home.

Paneha, I hope you'll forgive me discussing you in the third person like this! I'm just seeing some pretty direct advice being doled out, but I don't think it can be easy in your situation to just put your foot down and have them gone. And like some of the other contributors have mentioned, what you do now will impact the rest of your life - after all, they are family and you will never be completely free of them even if they move back to India. So just know that we understand how hard it must be for you to be living in this situation and feeling so helpless.

Ansuya

 

And who exactly comprises this "everyone"?

Suicide is never a good solution to any problem. In fact, it only creates more issues than solves them. Think of all the people you will hurt by taking your own life - your husband, who it appears, loves you, your parents (who will obviously be devastated by your loss) and your friends who will blame themselves, wondering if they failed to reach out to you in your hour of need. I am amazed that someone who is so obviously well educated and in a position of influence as you are, can actually think of ending her life over her in-laws!

Listen, it is very obvious that you are depressed. I absolutely understand your desire to want them to leave but I do not think you are approaching the problem right. You are a lawyer - where is your assertiveness and your spine? What stops you from sticking up for yourself and telling them off? You don't have to be disrespectful but you can, AND SHOULD, make it clear that you are the boss in your home and that when they live under YOUR roof that they will respect you and live by YOUR rules. Why do have to have your MIL's "permission" to hire a cook? You should simply go ahead and do just that. And stop explaining yourself to them so much - you don't owe them ANYTHING, least of all, explanations. Tell them upfront that as a working woman, you cannot also take on the full time job of the quintessential Indian housewife. You can't stretch yourself THAT THIN without it taking a toll on your health, your career and your sanity. I'm sure your law firm isn't paying you to simply warm your seat - I have no DOUBT that they suck as much work from you as they can in exchange for the $$$$.

I'm appalled that someone as smart and intelligent as you seem to be has such a difficult time dealing with these people. I'm sure you have clients who are as difficult as your in-laws are (or even impossible), and I'm sure you don't take crap from them. So why accept such behavior from your husband's parents, just because they are faaaaaaamily?

To address the issue of different backgrounds "colliding": Here's a thought. Abuse (verbal, emotional or physical) is abuse. Yes, your in-laws have a completely different mind-set and have some culture-specific expectations from their grown children and the children-in-law, but trust me, the right to abuse a child's spouse shouldn't be one such "expectation". And using "different cultures" as an excuse simply doesn't fly. No DIL in India would put up with this, and I think we need to give Indian women a break if for any reason anyone believes that Indian women (from India) come across as doormats or lame ducks that allow ourselves to be bullied by our in-laws.

One last thing: DO NOT suggest that they go to your BIL. I'm sure your MIL treats your co-sister the exact same way as she treats you, so why would you want her (co-sister) to go through what you are currently going through? Simply tell them that they can continue living with you IF they respect you under your roof or that they can look for alternate arrangements. DO NOT attempt to palm them off to your BIL and his wife - you will only ruin relations between the siblings. After all, you wouldn't want your co-sister palming off a trouble-making MIL on to you, would you? A longer lasting, more effective solution is to stick up for yourself. If you won't accept a behavior from strangers, you shouldn't be accepting it from "family".

Good luck!

 

Hi Paneha

U know whats the most upsetting thing about all this is that ur inlaws are so fortunate to have a dil who is so well established in her working profession and also financially yet they dont know how to enjoy it...They have every thing given on a silver plate yet they still not happy...
If my dil was so financially secure (mind u i got another 25-30 years to go) then i would just shut up and enjoy...especially if my dil was willing to hire a cook too...i guess its their loss at the end of the day...

The reason why i am saying this is that i have the same case with my mother and her dil....my bro and bhabhi are both financially secure in UK they invited my mum to stay with them (i dont have a dad) when they moved but my mother said no as she saw it as she will be looking after their children and cooking and cleaning. Little did she know that my sil would put kids in nursery etc..and now she moans that my sil's mother comes over also to help her out..i explained many times to my mother that she is wrong but they dont understand...u make ur bed so lie in it now..

i would suggest to ur inlaws that look this is not working out so its best if they go back....maybe u can buy them a property their and provide them with a servant so they will be happy...

And as far as kids are considered...i would hire a nanny then expect ur inlaws to look after..i have 2 kids myself..a son of 2 and daughter of 7 months and yes its hard as all days are not the same and i am due back to work in Jan but u know what my mil has never once offered to look after my children yet tells my dh that tell her to leave them their (as if i would) but i live my children with a childminder who does a fantastic job and also in 10 years time i will not have to listen that i have looked after ur kids...i pay my childminder and she is so good that when i come and collect them i have piece of mind that i dont have her moaning at me as she is doing her job...i can tell her how and what i do with them and she follows...she does not bring them up they way she thinks is correct and does not interfere in the way i want to either...
So from my experience its best u do it urself and when u do go bck to work u hire a nanny..

10 hours of tv a day..jeez...they must be so influenced by the dramas that they start behaving that way too...lol

Good luck in what u do and let us know the outcome

Ps u lucky ur dh is on ur side too..

 

ok dear you tried to be good dil and you saw it doesnt work as they are expecting you to bend so much that you break your back .tell this to your self "Iwant to be the worst DIL .I want to love my self and wil do any thing only if i really feel to do it .Iwill never feel guilty if they put a drama of how urt they are" tell this every morning .
dont do the house hold chores just turn a deaf ear .if you come after 9 pm jut go to kitchen eat do your dishes and straight to your regular routine.keep a i pod if drama starts plug the ear phones. if it gets worse tell her i will take care of my own dinner and dishes and my own laundry ,which indirectly means you take care of your stuff.
you are 30 years old so no listening to any lectures if you see that lectures are starting just wealk to your room and close the door .bottom line be happy .enjoy the weekends at most with your hubby .those are your days .love yorself respect your self .
if things really go bad put your foot down tell them that it is enough and they need to move out .
one more suggestion :if possible get rid of the tv or tv connection

 

I have also gone thro something similar to this. But I dont understand y do u want to suffer and take your life 4 someone who is not even bothered abt u. Think of ppl who want u 2 b happy rather ppl who want to make life difficult 4 u.
Elders must understand that children have their own life. If they do not, then they will have to learn it the hard way. After all we have only one life. Take control of ur life. This is also wht I did. THe best option would b 2 win ur husband's confidence and make things work. Spend lot of time with ur DH. Convince him tht u want everyone to be happy and a method for doing it. There is no use cribbing,
but make an arrangement which will convince everyone.
B strong and b ready to take some hard decisions.