I want my in-laws to MOVE OUT!

Paneha

I'm not sure what to tell you by way of advice, never having been myself in your situation. But based on your thread title, I suspect that you'll get some advice here about loving and honouring your in-laws and excusing their behaviour because they've spent a lifetime working and raising your husband etc. and now it's their time to rest (I've seen that line of reasoning in similar thread to yours).

I don't agree with that, because I think that while seniors (yes, even our parents and in-laws) may get a certain amount of respect from us, they also have to earn the right to keep our respect. They have to be accountable for their behaviour, they have to behave in mature and reasonable ways, and above all, they should be prepared to hear us out if we are having a problem and need their help solving it (as opposed to stubbornly insisting they are right just because they're older or whatever).

It sounds to me like you're being treated unfairly in your own home. It isn't even about whether you're working or not, or who makes more money. It's all about all members of a household contributing in the way that they can to ensure the happiness and wellbeing of everyone else. Not to insult your in-laws, but they sound like freeloaders to me who don't even respect your own space or your right to have private time with your husband. It's hard enough trying to make a marriage work with two people (husband and wife); I can't imagine what it must be like when you have 4 people in your relationship.

I am of Indian descent, like you, but I was born and raised in South Africa (4th-generation immigrants). This means I don't have enough experience of this custom (in-laws living with and dominating a married couple) to advise you as to what to do. It's not common at all in my society. I understand there are social and cultural considerations that may apply here that I am not fully aware of, so I can't prescribe a possible course of action to solve your problem.

What I did want to tell you is that in my opinion, you have right to feel affronted, and I think you're a saint to have put up with this nonsense up to this point. A married couple needs time, space, and privacy to build and maintain a healthy relationship. This may be possible with other people living in their house, but only if those other people recognise the married couple's primary obligation to each other. For your MIL to prescribe to you when you should come home, or berate your husband for bringing you snacks by making snide comments about who needs exercise, demonstrates a complete lack of manners and maturity on her part.

Old age is not the time to stubbornly cling to illusions of power and influence. Your MIL had her time to enjoy her husband, bring up a family, and do what she wanted in her own house. If she didn't, you can hardly be expected to bear the blame for that. The dignified thing for her to do now, if she wants to continue living with you, would be to step aside and let her son live his life with his wife as he sees fit. You don't say anything about what your husband thinks of all of this, and it's going to be hard for you to effect changes without his support or understanding. Whatever happens, I wish you well and hope things improve in the future. No one should have to live like the way you do - to not be able to enjoy your own marriage and the fruits of your own hard work is a crying shame.

Ansuya

 

I am also a second generation Indian (keralite). Just have a couple of questions.
What does your hubby say when he hears all of this? He must have a mind of his own. Does he stick up for you or does he shy away because he doesn't want to back out of his "duties" as a son?
Second, why are you moving out of your own house? You said that you pay the mortgage and utilities. I presumed that the house is in your name, otherwise why would you pay for someone else's house? Correct??
My suggestion...pack them up, drive to you bil's house and drop them off. Or better yet, buy them tickets and let them go back to India. Tell them that enough is enough and that you need your sanity to keep this marriage afloat. You are obviously well educated and career oriented. Be firm yet tactful.
But I am a bit confused as to where your husband stands on the matter.

 

Hi Paneha,

I second what Anusya says, elders must earn their respect. Even though both my husband and I were born and brought up in India, we live separately from our in-laws. In the beginning it was a little uncomfortable, but now we all agree that it is the best solution. We have our privacy and my in-laws have the pleasure of spending time with their son and grand kids. Though they don't openly show it, I am sure deep down they are happy to see me too. :rotfl

I think you should handle the situation politely though. Because relationship with in-laws is long term and the things you say against them can come back to haunt you later. So my suggestion, is you encourage them to stay with you bil for some time. Then when they are ready to return, if you can afford it, tell them about staying separately. Else make ground rules. Tell them that they have two options 1. To adjust and live happily. 2. Go to India, which means they see their kids only during vacation time.

Since you are career minded and have not mentioned kids, I am presuming that once you start your family, you will plan to go back to work. In times like this the elders can be a great asset. Your kids will not need any special lessons on respect, they will watch you and learn.

However, it is very important that you and your in-laws have mutual respect for one another.

 

Dear Paneha,

your inlaws seems to believe that their son married some super woman who will bring back home loads of money to run things as well will perfectly do A to Z of all kinds of household work also all by herself without any support from anyone. Shame on them for berating you for stupid things. Having experience of living in joint family all I have to say is that unreasonable inlaws should be conveyed that respect is not demanded , it is to be commanded. The sooner you put your foot down the better. This is what my experience says.
But I would like to know your DH's stand about this situation. Does he realizes that his parents are being wrong to you by their words and deeds? What is his reaction to this situation ?
Please clarify a bit more.

Let them expect but do whatever seems feasible for your mind and body. Are you existing merely to fulfill all their expectations and fancies?


Regards.
Oaktree

 

Paneha

I am always afraid that my practicality will be taken for cruelty in these forums, so I'm trying to see this situation from your in-laws' side now. The thing that really stood out for me from what you say they do with their time is how sad their lives seem to be in the US. It is no way to live to do some chores, complain endlessly, pick petty fights with your son and DIL, nag, whine and watch TV for hours on end.

Clearly, there seems to be a deep level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in their lives (often, excessive TV-watching - and I'd say 10 hours a day is excessive - may be a sign of depression and unwillingness to deal with reality). Perhaps it will be better for THEM to move back to India, since they don't seem to have a very full or fulfilling life in the US. They must miss their friends and family, and the more community- and society-oriented lifestyle in India (where it may be more acceptable for everyone to be in everyone else's business).

So, in addition to you and your husband benefiting from them moving back to India, I'd guess they'd be a lot happier too (unless they have exactly the same lifestyle in India, in which case their problems are too big for even you or your husband to solve). Maybe if you explained it to them like that, they may see the advantages of considering a move. Unless there are things about living in the US that they are unwilling to give up...

Ansuya

 

Hi Paneha,

I agree 100% with everyone else here. I definitely think you should have them move out. Even if you confront them about their behavior they won't change... they will just sulk and get resentful.

My inlaws came here in 2007 and lived with us about 5 months. They were very bored here, did not particularly like it, BUT they wanted to keep staying here to control my husband's and my life. They too mentioned things like "they were keeping us together." Yeah right. They were destroying our marriage day by day. It was HORRIBLE.

The point is, they probably know their behavior is bad but have a "what are you gonna do about it" attitude. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you have your husbands support. A lot of times when inlaws are told to do something they don't want to do, they look for ways to manipulate the weakest link (i.e. their son).

You have one life to live. Respecting elders is good, but I really don't feel elders who act the way yours and mine do deserve it. Birthing a son is not a free pass to rule the world. For the sake of your happiness and your marriage, make them move out.

 

Just my 2 cents.. dont get me wrong. i wud hv told the same if it was my sister in this situation.

I am sure they are nagging you a lot. Asking your hubb not to help after u return late in the night, talking abt son's money being wasted all that is just too much i understand. i wudn't tolerate them too. but not just once.. so many times in ur post you hv told that you earn better than ur hubb, which is very good. but does this come out in ur actions and words more often at home? it is very right that ur hubb wouldn't take that bad coz it could be a matter-of-factly aspect to him and he is almost of ur age.. he can sure understand the competition in the world around him & that there are many other wives beating their husbands wrt package and position. chances ur inlaws might not hv taken it in the same sense & spirit, and just trying to act wierd to show how they can rule ur life. i dont know how this thought can be corrected in them at this point.

Abt sending them bk to India - their support is appreciated only when u start hving kids and when there is someone taking care of them at home while u r away most of the time working, as Sharda has mentioned here. If there is a possibility of ignoring them and just going ur way dont care what they say, thats the best for you.

 

Hold on !! How did you arrive that everyone is going to be happ after you die , Paneha ?? And who according to you is this " Everyone " ?? Now ask yourself.. do they deserve to be happy at your cost ?? I know how you must be feeling and you dont really think on those terms ! You are feeling too bitter about it that makes you vent out this way !!

I do agree when you say that you want them to move out ! You know what you going through and you have been more than clear about all that you are facing !! But how would you make them move out ?? Try whatever you have done till now all over again..
As you said your husband does understand you .. take his help and suggestions too !! Tell them it is going to be difficult to stay under the same roof with only disagreements between all of you ! It is getting difficult and you may start to react in words sooner or later ! You dont really want to spoil any relationship but would hold on only till your patience gives in.. Ask them to choose a house in India.. If they dont and keep pushing it ahead.. Forget about them looking for a house.. Both of you do that and tell them we got a good deal / best price and we are fnalising. Residents need to move in within a month of the buying so that there are no cobwebs formed !! ( or whatever reason.. seriously I cant think of anything so wrote that )

Whatever, finalise on soemthing and ask them to move back. If they crib about the house.. remind them they had a option to choose and they didnt !!!

Cmon, Paneha you are so educated and a succesful lawyer !! What would you do if your client asked you for some suggestions as such ?? Would you ask the person to go hang ?? Dont waste time crying, divorce or thinking about suicide !! Use it instead !!!

Think, Lawyer !! Think Hard !! Happy House Hunting !! :thumbsup