I totally stopped talking to my husband

Instead of talking to him, get rid of him. You did a big mistake by not getting rid of such a vegetable for a husband without having a child with him. You could have waited for a good person to come into your life. Some people think that wifes are unpaid servants. Even i see the same with my co-sister.

 

Maintaincool, relatives are the last people on earth you should be thinking about in this situation. Do they come to comfort you when you are miserable? Do they come to comfort your child when she is crying with pain due to the infections contracted out of sheer neglect? Then why bother what they would think of you?

Do you think your parents are totally unaware of how your mil and husband treat you and your child when you have to leave her with them for safe keeping? Do you think they will be happy that you are suffering there?

Think only of yourself and your child and your futures right now. Getting a divorce will enable you to move out of this house, get financially independent (which you probably already are given you are going to work) and also a chance that you might eventually find a more caring partner. God helps those who help themselves, and so you need to give yourself that chance before life gives it to you.

MC, even though I fully agree that education not mean one walks out on the husband on the smallest pretext, what you are going through is no pretext. It makes me wonder what the difference is between who stick to their husbands for financial security and you who are already financially secure and educated. Why should you allow anyone to treat you like this? If you for any reason believe that your parents will lash out at you at any point of time, move out on your own. Our education and financial independence is basically meant to ensure that we can stand up for ourselves should the need arise. Since you have both and your circumstances warrant it, do walk out if not straight for a divorce at least to give separation a try. Talk to your parents. Tell them what your real situation is. Like eandian said, a wrong choice can be made by anyone. Parents are not infallible and can also make misjudgements. There is no reason for your father to feel so miserable over it. Instead they might give you the support you need to stand on your own two feet.

 

MC there is no "ideal". Good / bad all are relative words. A reasonably good father these days would be hands on, there for his child to ensure that she gets the best possible care, education and life that is in his ability to provide. He needs to be there emotionally there for her. It is not enough to just dole out the money for her upkeep and then abdicate all responsibilities to the wife. I am not even sure how he "loves" her if he could not ensure that his mother looks after her well, when she has insisted you go out to work thus making you unavailable to look after and care for her personally.

 

Take your time to think. No matter what people write here, these are huge decisions in life when a kid is involved. Ultimately, the person who will deal with decision one way or other is you - not any of us who are anonymous id's on the world-wide-web.

Our prayers for you.

 

dear op,

donot bother about comments of others...your priority presently is to take of your dd and ensure that she gets all the required attention...whatever you think is appropriate to take care your dd, you just follow it...

donot get discouraged by your hubby's behaviour, you know what is right and what is wrong...you take appropriate decisions and move on...donot much depend on your hubby for pschychological support and donot expect appreciations for your good work...

you gently question your mil about whatever things you feel she is not taking care for your dd...and if possible suggest how she can do in a better way...and what are the bad effects that are going to happen if done improperly...

for each bad incident you educate your hubby explaining your feelings and how it can be taken care better next time...

focus on your priorities of maintaining yours and your baby's health and leading a happy life...get all your energies focused to achieve this and rest will fall in line...as you are already taking help of your parents, get their advice on how to handle the situation better...

best of luck...

 

I think you need to consider the 3rd angel of this triangle...Ur relationship with ur MIL...may be she is poisoning your image to him thats y he is so detached with you.Try to sort out with her and C if your hubby can help you...

Since she is the one who is providing your hubby everything like food, and even feeding him..he may not believe you that she dont feed your child etc.

Please be strong and save some money before your decide anything.May be you should ask your hubby for outing with your kids so it will give you both time to gel....

takecare

 

Ofcourse, no one can make decisions for you, whether pople on forum or others in your real life, only you can make your choices. But others can make you open to other choices, make you aware of alternative solutions. I feel the reasons you gave to stay in this marriage are weak. One needs strong reasons to put up with such treatment endlessly. You don't want your frustrations in marriage showing up elsewhere. It is hard to supress one's inner desire for love and belongingness.

You were first in school, college etc. You could very well be happy being 10th or 15th. But looks like you put effort to be first instead of compromising or giving up. Why the compromise when it comes to your happiness? You are saying, you got quite used to being unloved, overtime you will get so used to it that you won't even complain or wonder why am I being treated this way and be content. I am simply saying there are other ways to deal with situation.
As another poster said you need someone in real life, like your parents or friends to support you emotionally. There is physical abuse too now. Where will it go in future? do you see any improvement? Right now you seem to be very scared to take any step on your own. You are clinging to the approval and love you get from parents and relatives. You are afraid you may lose even that if you separate. You take your time and think through it. You are the adult in your daughter's life. She is a little kid she will love her parents even if they beat. You have to make right choices for her, you have to decide what is the right environment for her to grow up. You know where your relationship is going. He started beating you now, will he beat your daughter too in future? you alone know it. keep all the factors in mind and decide.

 

Highly possible.

 

Dear MC

Hugs to you. I am feeling like crying while reading these lines. I can understand how much pain any mother can get to see her child suffering with so many health problems. Please be strong and take good care of your daughter and yourself. Don't be slave to your husband or MIL. Don't think about society or relatives. Tell your parents everything. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. God bless you and your daughter.

 

I agree that there is no need to worry about what the relatives will think. I understand your feelings, as I have often felt uncomfortable about what relatives would think when my marriage was having troubles and I was imagining the idea of leaving (though my husband and I are quite happy now, as we are in the first year of marriage and just needed some adjustment).

However, the truth is that the relatives will eventually deal with their issues. It is YOU who has to live in this marriage, and what you think matters much more than what they think. The first most important person who matters is your daughter and her long-term (not short-term) happiness. Your daughter deserves a father who loves her and is a good role model for her, so that she has an example to live up to in her own life. Would you want your daughter to someday marry a man like your husband? If not, then show her by your own actions that this is not an acceptable way for a man to treat his wife.

Furthermore, don't worry about your father's guilt, as you can take some advice with what happened to my family. Some years ago my parents helped a distant cousin of mine meet a man here. Her parents lived in India, and the 'boy' lived here in my parents' city in the US. The girl and guy had only spoken a few times before, though he really liked her. Her parents asked my parents to meet with the guy before marriage to see if he would seem like a good partner or not. My parents made their best efforts to screen the guy, as he seemed quite nice and was very friendly with them. He was very excited and eager to marry this girl, so he gave my parents the best impression of himself. So upon my parents' positive recommendation, my distant cousin (my cousin's cousin) got married to that guy and she moved to our family's city to live with him.

After marriage, however, he treated her very badly. She was a slave in her own home. He wouldn't let her have a car or even a key to the house. His father moved here from India and lived with them, but instead of supporting the marriage, the guy's father only misbehaved with her too. The girl was crying every day, as their problems started on the honeymoon itself. The guy who threw dirty clothes all over and want her to pick them up, and cook all the food, etc, despite the fact that she was also a PhD student herself and very busy with her own work. One time she needed to fly to a different state to return to her college to submit her thesis (to complete her PhD) and her husband wouldn't even take her to the airport, so she had to call and ask my parents to take her. It was a sad case. Within 2 months the marriage was dissolved. (Although now, a few years later, she met another guy who she married, and they are happily married with a baby together.)

My parents felt very guilty at that time, as it was upon their recommendation that this marriage happened. But it was not their fault, as the guy seemed very nice before marriage and they had no reason to suspect him otherwise. However, due to the guilt, it had a positive effect on my parents influence on my sister and myself. My parents became quite cautious when it came to my relationships. When I was in my mid-20s they used to push me to get married, but after my cousin's experience, they stopped. I married this year at age 30. My sister is 27, and they are not pushing her to get married at all (just to meet different guys) as they now realize that getting married to a good partner is much more important than rushing into marriage.

Once your father realizes what has happened here, he might feel guilty. But hopefully there can still be a positive in this, as people will realize how much more important it is to screen potential partners carefully rather than rushing to get their daughters married due to the girl's age, or whether the guy is from a 'good' family etc. No one should care whether he is from a so-called 'good' family or not if he doesn't treat his wife properly.