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I think my husband is not who I thought he was....

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by asuitablegirl, Feb 8, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    I have to get this off my chest. Haven't slept in a day, feeling so sick to my stomach about what has happened in my life. So if I write like a fool, please forgive me a little. I'm tired and confused and really hurt.

    Recently my mil has been weazling back into our life, telling my husband (can't even call him DEAR husband anymore) to divorce me, all the usual stuff. AND, he starting to take her fanatical Hindu rituals to the extreme. He has become paranoid thinking all whites and Americans are out to get him here. But really, he has always had a bit of that problem. I'm actually writing to you today for something else....

    Recently (like in past 2 weeks) I have noticed my history in my computer has been dumped constantly. Like, all my passwords and history have been blanked out from the computer. My husband has been erasing the history of the computer for last two weeks after every time he uses my lap top, but he just said that was so the computer wouldn't run slow. Anyways, I automatically believed him.

    As some of you know, spring semester at school started, so I'm gone Wednesday night for class and also Thursday night for my internship. After problems with my mil started escalating again (she told my husband to put a swastika on our front door, which he did, which I then took off), I decided to check my husband's facebook account (he forgot that I have his password) to see what she and him are up to. I got the surprise of my life.

    Looks like while I'm away at work, he is researching adult models (read: naked women doing **** poses). But, it gets worse. He has contacted one girl in particular and has friended her on facebook and sent her a private message asking to be friends. I wish I could be naive and say he doesn't know what she does for a living, but lately I've been getting really weird vibes from him and he's made several 'jokes' about cheating on me. She has responded back to him saying 'ok' to being friends. I looked her up on the internet and she has tons of pictures half naked and a few totally naked .

    What would a married man be doing befriending an adult model? My husband was very into strip clubs before marrying me, but after marriage said he would never think of looking at another girl again. Maybe if this were just looking, I would not be so hurt. But it looks like he is trying to form some type of relationship with her.

    I don't think I can stay in a marriage like this. I have dealt with tremendous abuse from him and his family in the past. But this is like, the FINAL straw. Things were going so much better between us, and now this.... I don't know what to do or think. My gut feeling says to break up with him, because this is just the beginning. I haven't confronted him, I want to see how far he takes his relationship with this girl. My instinct tells me this week will be "So, what are your interests" and I think the nasty talk and naked photo exchange will be the week after that, and eventually telephone exchange or something like that by end of month.

    My question is.... what should I do? He lies constantly. Even if he says he'd not do this again, I could never believe him. Also I don't know how much longer I can withstand his mom's interference. And frequently he is saying he will divorce me. This has all started in last two weeks. Problems I can deal with. But infidelity and befriending a **** model is too much for me to take. I'm so, so sad. I have been with my husband almost 5 years now. Looks like he is nothing but a fraud.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2010
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  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    ASG,

    Honestly, did not think your post was in the -ve. thought you were trying to share something else.

    I don't know what to tell you to do. Just lots of positive vibes and hugs to you.
     
  3. lalli30

    lalli30 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    we did not get news from you for two years ! I am new on the site. I just hope your problems turned out to be solved... Are you Indian or American?
    My friend, I really hope your sorrows are over!
    God bless you, no matter what decision you took!
     
  4. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear ASG,
    I am not sure what to say you here,but was not able to close the window without posting a reply for you. Of all the things, this is the most worst thing for a DW to find about her DH. I know you are such a matured person(I read all your replies to every single OP) though much younger to me.If I was in your shoes what I would do is wait and watch.But this waiting period wont be too long, since he has forgotten you has his password he wont mind to delete the details from FB. So that you can see what is going on and can save them somewhere if its required in future when you confront him. After doing this once my doubts on cheating gets cleared I wont wait any longer to take the ultimate step.Just shared my 2cents here.I am sure more of our fellow ILs will pour in their view. I know you are such a courageous girl, please dont loose your heart. Yeah,its easier to say so but please hold on.
     
  5. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    I have always seen you advising others and really don't know what to tell you. The only suggestion that I can give is talk to your husband. No matter what, he has no right to frequently tell you that he will divorce you, that is not done.

    You have spent 5 years of your life with this guy so before calling quits at least give 5 days. As you have certain doubts and complain about him, he might also have some grudges against you. Talking will initiate coming out with the things in open.

    As you will tell him about your problems with your MIL and other stuff, he will tell his point of view. Together both of you can then decide the path you will take.

    Men will be men will be men, I know this is not an excuse to cheat on your partner but I will still suggest to talk to him, you never know what is hidden inside his heart.

    All the very best and lots and lots of hugs. You were one person on this forum who had always been there for other. I hope I am doing my bit by being there for you in my own small way.

    I sincerely hope that you come out of this problem soon.
     
  6. Priyaalagu

    Priyaalagu Silver IL'ite

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    Dear suitable girl.....i have read many of your posts & replies but now i really dont have any say...........this is the heights...............all i could do now is send my hugs to u. have the same courage & maturity which u have been showing n all ur write ups.:thumbsup & then decision s urs............
     
  7. rajalakshmigopal

    rajalakshmigopal Gold IL'ite

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    ASG,

    Iam shocked..But are you really sure about all this fb stuff you are talking about?.Please do not take hasty decisions.

    My prayers are with you on this.Good Luck dear.Please stay cool.
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies. I feel so sick. I'm unable to sleep and constantly have a nausious feeling in my stomach.



    Lalli.... I'm Indian ethnicity, but born and brought up in America. My husband is born and brought up in India.

    Amihere... yes, I will wait and see where this goes. Only thing is my heart already tells me where this is going, and it's NOT a good place.

    Shiva.... actually most of the time my husband seems happy with me and has no complaints, but when he does have complaints, it's usually for what OTHER people have done to him and he lashes out at me. I think also, he is NOT over his ex wife.... not that he still likes her, but I think he has zero respect for women and just an intense desire to hurt people. There have been several disturbing incidents of how he has been treating people lately, but since the Shabana incident, all else has really paled in comparison.

    Every marriage has problems, but as long as the trust and glimmer of love is there... I believe things can be worked out. But this has lost all my trust in him. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Really, I truely did not see this coming. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes this morning and woke up thinking it had all been a dream.... then reality hit me again and I just feel devastated. Every second I just keep wishing this weren't happening....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2010
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hey Rg.... what do you mean about being 'sure'? Like, about his intentions? I know any man who is married and secretly asks to be 'friends' with an adult model is not having good intentions. Plus, I have seen the messages with my own eyes. But I prayed she was just an old class friend. Nope. She's a Sri Lankan nude model living in India. I checked her out on the net myself. But anyways, I will wait a few days to see where it goes so I can make a 100% sure decision. My husband says he has no time for me because he is busy with work.... yet he has time to be playing 'friends' with Ms. S on facebook? I don't buy into his crap. My heart is broken, not my brain.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2010
  10. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    ASG sorry to learn about the state of affairs. I know how bad it can be not to be able to trust one's own spouse, especially after having invested so much into the relationship.

    I am an educated woman so I know it sounds crazy coming from me. Is your MIL into black magic? Could she be doing something to exert influence over your husband?

    I am asking because my brother's ex-wife was a nightmare and after we finally got rid of her we found all these signs of black magic hidden around the apartment. Only after removing them all did my dear brother come out of the whole mess. She was an MBA from a top american university so it's not to say she was an uneducated village belle indulging in hocus pocus. Until we experienced it I never believed in the existence of black magic. My brother appeared to be a different human being when she was around and only a whole lot of prayers from my mom and a very good house cleaning has bought him back to his former self.
     

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