I think I hate my mother

SW,
Reality check! Your mom seems great! Older people, at times have some safety OCDs, and all parents have one or the other of them. Regarding your childhood, whoaaa, you seem to be finding reasons to hate her, and lady, hate is too strong a word to be used on one's own mom. Well, parents can always yell/scream at their own kids, rather than other people's kids. Might sound stupid to you, but it would have been sensible to her then to avoid all the commotion. And when you fight with your H in front of your mom, she is bound to get worried, after all she IS your mom. So she might have wanted to share it with your aunts to get their perspective on a young couple's fight! And she checking on you when you want to eat, woow, thats so sweet, and thats what every mom does when her kids eat. They serve them a lotta food with a lotta love. You apparently dont seem to sense their love, and want to hate her, for your own childish reasons. Please grow up! You are going to be a mom yourself, and I'm sure you dont want your child picking on your silly stupid habits. Remember you reap what you sow.

 

Hi SW,

I don’t think I’m going to say anything that’s far different from what others have pointed out here. But I most certainly can understand your situation as my mom is a lot like your mom too.

My mom is hyper sensitive. She gets upset when one (especially when the one is me) say something that happens to be wrong in her books. In fact, there are times when she gets angry for no reasons at all. And her manner of showing the anger is by giving me her famous silent treatment. She wouldn’t look at me or talk to me until she feels like it. She complains about me to my sisters and aunts (even when there’s nothing to complain about). So much so that everyone would know what the problem is except for me. And since small, she has always shown more favouritism on my sister than me and everyone knows and notices about this. All these might upset me once in a while but they don’t make me hate her. I just learn to accept and adjust with her behaviour and live with it. Because that is how she is and I know for certain that I can’t change her.

Your mom is not a bad person. At most, I think she’s insecure and therefore relies on others’ judgments rather than her own. The reason why she scolded you in front of your cousins is not to hurt you. She probably doesn’t want others to think that she’s favouring her own daughter in place of others. We all do it at some point of time too. Don’t you ever take the blame for something you’ve never done for the simple reason that it would avoid a lot of unwanted confrontations and tensed situations? Your mom did the same too. The difference is instead of taking the blame herself, she placed the blame on you. Probably because she thought that this would help the situation from getting worse.

Getting worried when her loved ones don’t come home on time is not something to get angry on. That just shows her depth of love. You would too once you have your own child and your child doesn’t come home on time. It’s just maternal instinct. Yes, all the calling might irritate you at some point but try to see from her situation. Being alone at home and not knowing where you are and what happen to you would make any mother worry.

And about calling your aunts to discuss about your fights with your DH…well, what else you expect her to do? She only has one daughter and to see the daughter fighting with her husband…that too in her presence, well that is worrying, isn’t it? Of course every husband-wife have their own set of fights and argument but being a mother, she might just have overestimated the problem and got worried. Which is why she called your aunts and discussed the matter with them. Probably she hoped that they might give her assurance that such arguments are normal and there’s nothing to be worried about.

I don't know how rudely she has spoken to your DH but even if she has, I don't think she has done it on purpose. Maybe she's just worried about her house (since she's not there) and didn't realize that she was being harsh to your DH. I really think you should let it go. Even your DH is not making a big deal about it so why get angry over this? I'm quite sure your MIL or FIL have raised their voice at you at some point of time. Does your hubby shout at them for it? Surely not right? Similarly, I think you too should just forget about what your mother has done or said.

Please don’t compare your mother-daughter situation with others. Not everyone show off their love openly. And just because your mom doesn’t express her love openly to you, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. She might have her own way of showing her love at you. You just got to try harder to see it. The problem I think is because you were closer to your father than your mother. Probably because your father was more affectionate, you have grown to think that he loves you more than your mother does. That is not entirely true. Your father might have been an expressive person which is why he is open with his affections. On the other hand, your mom is probably someone who isn’t exactly expressive, so you have grown to think that she doesn’t love you as much as your dad did. Don’t make such mistakes. Like I said, everyone have their own way of showing their love. Some parents show it. Some don’t show it at all. But all parents love their children regardless of what and how their children turn out to be. From your posts, it is very clear that your mother loves you a lot. If there’s no love, why would she call you when you’re not home on time? Why would she get worried looking at you fighting with your DH? That’s her way of expressing her love I feel.

I hope your situations with your mom gets better. Please remember that you have your hubby and kids for you but your mom on the other hand, only has you. Please don’t hate her.

 

I don't know if your ILs have raised their voice at you or not dear. I was just trying to tell you that people get emotional/angry/anxious at times and might just say things that they don't really mean. We used to call my aunt (mom's sister) as "tension party" because she used to get tensed about almost everything. And whenever she gets tensed up, she would start scolding the people around her without realizing what and why she's scolding them. That is how diversified every individual is. We can't expect everyone to be like us. Learn to forget and forgive gal. I'm very sure she didn't mean what she said.

Nevertheless, if you are still upset about your mom bring rude to your DH, then you should probably talk to her and settle this matter once and for all. The longer you keep this bottled up inside of you, the more hatred you are going to have for her, and that is not good for both of you. Cheer up, gal. She is also a human after all and bound to make mistakes once in a while.

 

Hi OP,

I am replying to talk about the OCD part of your story. I have OCD tendencies myself and to me, based on what you said, it sounds like your mom too has OCD tendencies. Yes, I agree that there are many people out there who do forget things once in a while and want to re-check (like switching off lights, locking doors etc). But for a person with OCD, the frequency will be high and it would almost be a ritual which HAS to be done correctly everytime for them to feel better. Not doing it in a particular way will cause them to feel distress. It might start affecting their day-to-day living.

For me, the above incident is a strong pointer for OCD tendencies.

Actually most of us think that having OCD only makes people re-check locks or wash hands often. But that is a small portion of the whole story. There are different categories of OCD - some might have a tendency for repeated checking, some might be tormented by what are generally considered as inappropriate thoughts, some might be paranoid about hygiene and/or contamination and the list goes on.

I don't want to go into the details of OCD here, but just want to validate to you that your mom does seem to be having OCD. Dealing with a family member with OCD can put stress on people (just like having a bed-ridden family member or someone with special needs) Of course, I don't know what level (on a scale of 1 to 10) or the exact type of OCD your mom has.

Also, just you asking her to stop checking will not cure the underlying condition that makes her want to check and re-check. Like you said, she still continues to do it when you are not looking.

It is my guess (only guess) that your mom already realizes that she is checking things above normal and may be even secretly feels ashamed of it. But still, that would not help her stop it - it is a compulsive disorder. It is quite possible that your mom is undergoing some form of related emotional distress too.

It is my opinion that the incident where she asked your husband to lock the door and gate properly is also OCD-related. So, atleast knowing this might calm you down and help you to see from her point of view (this particular incident).

OP, you said that you have already spoken about this to your mom and she laughed it off. Maybe she is worried about seeing a psychiatrist as there is a bit of taboo in our society regarding these things (especially older generation might not be able to understand), though things are changing.

From what I know (I may be wrong), a psychiatrist can diagnose the condition and even prescribe medication, if needed. But seeing a counselor along with taking medication might be a better way. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is generally said to help in many disorders.

OP, let me clarify that I am not suggesting that you have to take your mom to see a psychiatrist or counselor. I am just sharing with you some information that I have. Also, to be honest, there are people who advise against taking psychiatric medications - I don't know how much of it is based on facts and how much based on fear. Maybe it depends on the severity of the symptoms and also on other factors like how potent the medication is, how old the person is and so on.

You may or may not choose to take this topic again with your mom. Given her age and conditioning, it might even cause more problems if you forcibly take her to a psychiatrist and/or give medication.

My main intention in writing this is to let you know that I kinda understand your situation and also a little bit what is going on in your mom's mind. I am not trying to put down your mom, I do empathise with her (as I am a little OCD myself). I just wanted to give you some emotional support - because some people might just brush off your concerns as they may not be aware of something called OCD or its different symptoms.

Also, I thought it might be easier for you to deal with her repeated and/or annoying actions if you knew the cause for it. From what I know, your mom's OCD-kinda actions will actually be causing her own self a lot of distress in her mind. She will not be enjoying doing those actions - just feels compelled to do it. Maybe, if you see that she herself is suffering inside because of the OCD, then you might be able to show more kindness to her.

As with all things in life, pray to God to guide you both so that your relationship can be better.

 

Hi Sad wife.... anything may be the reason.... pls never say i hate my mother ...!! caz parents are lively god given birth..as we able to see the world...Even you MOM may accepted your faults and mistakes you have done in your childhood... nothing will happen to us if we accept their anger or even they scold...us.. as they are our life.. If such case the thing your mom having the habit of checking it again and again about lock or switch... 5-10 times are make her to believe that you are doing what ever she wants and make her to consult to doctor..

 

Hi op,

You are welcome. I have a suggestion but dunno how much it will work.

Do you know what makes her happy or activities that she enjoys? Get her involved in that. For example, singing, learning an instrument, creative activities (art and craft) or may be get her a bit into spirituality - reading slokas, doing prayer, listening to devotional songs etc. I am telling these from a general and not-neccessarily OCD point of view.

Of course, you can't force her to do anything if she doesn't like it or follow it. Just try to keep her a little calm. For example, if you think that listening to her will help her, then take some time to do that. I understand that you have your tolerance limit and if you force yourself a lot just to please her, then again it might cause resentment in you. Try to balance and do your best.

Take care!