I never invite my inlaws to stay with me...

Renu's decision to refrain from invitiing her ILs to stay with her & family appears to come from numerous past negative experiences...Lets respect it for what it is.
For all those moral proselytizers ( not naming names here). who hide behind Indian culture & all its glories yada yada, just a question..
THe shastras prescribe equality between husband & wife (I can only quote my own wedding here, but they actually place a yoke on the boy & girl signifying equality in stature in a marriage), If that is to be believed then shdnt the families be equal in stature too right ??? (the word SAMBANDHI is literally transalated as SAMA (equal) + BANDHI (ties)
so why does the DHs Mom have any reason to assume that she is the Alpha female in her sons house? after all she married her son of cos he was grown up enough to be the head of the household himself, That being said, Why cant she face the fact that while in her 'Sons' house, she has to respect he wishes of the lady of the house..
Of course, I expect the response 'Its the duty of the host to make the guest feel at home' but ladies, remember the other part of the saying which goes as '& its the duty of the guest to remember that they are NOT' Why do these older women so completely & conveniently forget that?,

 

rr99

I enjoy your brand of realism and in-your-face practicality. I agree with you that as much as we'd like to believe in the infinite goodness of all human beings, the reality of life is that we come across all sorts. Some MILs are wonderful, and some seem to be quite horrible. I'm sure the same goes for DILs (and husbands, and SILs, and so on). So, we can't really prescribe behaviour for others based purely on our own experiences or abstract principles, because we don't have to walk in their shoes. The most we can do is offer support if we can, and refrain from judging if we can't.

I was interested in this question you asked:

I have a personal theory as to why this is (and why so many MILs are so badly behaved, judging from the posts here). Of course, this theory won't apply to everyone, and it's probably not all that original, but here goes. It's the SYSTEM, which depends on each person playing their part. So, if I have to be a doormat instead of a wife when I'm young, and bow to the demands of my in-laws and their son, and put my needs last always, there's a very good chance that's going to turn me into a bitter, twisted person as I get older. I'll be hellbent on exacting my pound of flesh when I can - that is, when I have a DIL of my own to torture.

At this point, I will feel that certain things are owed to me. After all, I paid and played my part when I was younger. Now it's time for my reward. So you can bet my DIL will be made to sacrifice and suffer, and I will extract all I can from my son even if it is at the cost of his own life and marriage. After all, I didn't get what I wanted when I was younger from my husband and his family, so it is my natural reward now that I'm an elder and I have all the power to get what I want from my son and his family.

It's a classic bully syndrome scenario, actually, and it's the reason why it's so important for us to break the cycle NOW. I wonder how many lovely DILs whose heart-breaking stories I read here are going to go on and become just like the MILs they hate, and how many will manage to remain pure of heart despite all the terrible things being done to them.

Renu, for the record, NO ONE comes to my house without an invitation. It's the way my husband and I like it. Similarly, I will even ask my own parents and my in-laws if it suits them when I want to go to their house, especially about their preferences regarding duration of stay, timing of visit, etc. All families have their own lives, and for me, it's just good manners to clear things with everyone before dropping in on them, especially since we all live so far away from each other and visits don't just last for a few hours.

I understand not everyone is like this, but I wanted to tell you that you are the best judge of what will make you happy, even if it's something that not everyone else is doing. If you cannot bear to have your in-laws stay with you because they make your life intolerable and have shown no respect to you in the past, then I don't see why you have to put up with them. People can't get away with behaving irresponsibly or abusively just because they're older than us, or family. In fact, it's senior family members who should have the maturity and wisdom to behave properly and set an example of loving, respectful relationships for the rest of us.

 

rr99

I'm glad you don't subscribe to the ridiculous line of reasoning I outlined. I hope it was clear to everyone from my post that although I think that's the reason some MILs behave the way they do, I DON'T think it is right or justifiable for a person to treat others badly because that person was treated badly. I certainly don't behave that way myself, and I hope the way I phrased my explanation (by using "I" in the example) didn't confuse anyone!

I just think it's useful to try to get into the heads of people (even MILs!) and try and figure out why they do the things they do. It's the first step in trying to defuse a tricky situation like Renu's. Hopefully, though, this behaviour is slowly dying out now, and we can look forward to future generations of Indian women who won't have this vicious MIL-DIL dynamic. It's up to us to behave honourably, and as rr99 says, not pass on the legacy of selfishness, negativity and narcissism.

 

Ladies, You think after the treatment meted out to the parents any selfrespecting parent would like to visit you?

People are sensitive and they can feel it that they are not wanted even if you do not say so in so many words.

How they deal with the state of unwantedness depends on them ofcourse.

 

hello,

i agree with you. we want affection and love only from our kids when we become old. we dont want money. and also i want to share you friends something. i know one family, the girl is conveying each and every matter between them to her parents. i told her this is wrong. solve all problems within you two. if it goes beyond , then u can share with others. both the girl and her family never realise about the aftereffects of this. her mother is daily giving her unnecesary advice and she is acting . now the girl and her husband are not happy with each other. Communication is the best weapon to solve all problems. Once we are getting old, just to satisfy elders not by money, things just one call how are you?how is your health? they will be happy for a week.

regards,
raji

 

Using this logic, couldn't you say...

Inlaws, You think after the treatment meted out to the dil's any self respecting dil would like to be visited by you?

Why do you continue to insist that no matter what, parents feelings come before their childrens? I mean, just like parents can tell if they are "not wanted", don't you think I can also tell when I'm not wanted? Because let me tell you, my inlaws made me feel unwanted in my house every single day. And I'm sure many other dil's are feeling the same way. So do you think that is right?

Ok, maybe we are all wrong. Maybe we are just hate mongering inlaw bashing monsters who no "self respecting parent" would want to visit. So why don't you tell us what is right in this position....

Inlaw humiliates us on a daily basis... invite them anyways?
Inlaw threatens us and verbally abuses... invite them anyways?
Inlaw disrespects us, make us cry, makes our life hell... invite them anyways?
Inlaws pile on loads of work for us with no help... invite them anyways?

Is that really what you are suggesting? That for one persons enjoyment cause another's suffering? That doesn't seem right to me. Instead of just respect for elders, why can't we have respect for all people, regardless of what stage of life they are at? :idea

Exactly. The same with dil's. How they deal with the stress and aggravation of having inlaws over is up to them. If they chose not to have them over anymore on multi month visits, isn't that within their rights to do so? Nobody is saying "don't call your inlaws", "don't visit them". But some people prefer to keep their home sacred, a place that feels safe and secure. If inlaws come into our home and violate that safety and peace, then what? Well, some would say find a different way to spend time with them. And that is exactly the point me, and Rihana and Ansuya and others were trying to make. Our stance wasn't "cut off all contact," it was "spend time with each other in a way that works for BOTH groups... inlaws and dils."

Us "no visitor" ladies have been bold saying what we feel in a straight way that can be understood clearly, but all the people hinding behind culture here can't come out and say exactly what they think about what I've written about above in blue. It'd be interesting to get their views on that...

Anyways, that is just my opinion. Take care everyone and enjoy the rest of the weekend. :thumbsup

 

Obviously, I am in a minority here.

Mother-in-law bashing was never my cup of tea.

Einstein once said,' A=x+y+z'

where A= success, x=work, y=play and z= keep your mouth shut.

The least I can do is to practice 'z' of this equation. I will keep my mouth shut.

Have a great weekend! And don't let the tensions depress you.:thumbsup

 

Um, I wasn't aware any of us on here were "mil bashing." But ok.

It's really interesting how the people here who are most into "culture" are also the ones least able to answer the hard questions...

 

It's really interesting how the people here who are most into "culture" are also the ones least able to answer the hard questions...[/quote]

Hear hear!....
No one is claiming that their ILS ( as rotten as they are) are not UNWANTED... (a rather brash term, ), why cant the 'Pro culture' women accept that there is a certain standard of civility to be maintained & MILS with their anomalous attitudes are not exempt.
would you allow your 7 yr olds to behave rudely when visiting? or talk rudely? Is instilling good manners & behaviour not a priority for you? & do you brush over it when your kid misbehaves? Good manners & courtesy is not something of a superficial behaviour we instill in our kids to be merely displayed in public & neither do we act uncouth at home out of sight from the public eye. Then why shd this 2 faced behaviour by 60-65+ yr olds (who shd know better) be tolerated & even understood,