I never invite my inlaws to stay with me...

Its sad to see may gals not inviting their in laws to their house but what I feel is its up to them but just preventing them for cost constrait is very sad as Mrs V said money comes and goes if the arrival of the in laws cost some additional dollors what is the big deal in it they are anyway going to stay for may be max of 6 months not more than that.

 

Renu1999,
I can absolutely understand your concern as I can see the bigger picture .It is ultimately you who has to tolerate all these nonsense, not some xyz who are so argumentative and throwing some pieces of trashy suggestions about morality, "our traditional culture" and "positive outlook"and what not. This discussion itself is so superficial because everyone knows that in our typical indian society , girls parents

and boys parents are never treated the same way.We may not want to reveal those instances

here, but please guys don't tell me you have never seen such a discrimination when it

comes to in-laws .there are few things I'd like to point out:
1)Laks09, i am so glad that you are blessed with such a caring and generous husband who is

equally respectful to both sets of parents and never hesitate to do anything for your

parents or in-laws.But I hate to say, In this entire thead , you are the only person who

can thank god for having such a picture-perfect family. But unfortunately you don't

represent the mass .


Renu,most of the dils are not that fortunate to receive such warmth, respect and

consideration from their Dh and his family.So whatever opinion you have about inviting

your in-laws which feels like inviting troubles at homefront which , I am sure comes from

your past experience is absolutely valid and justifiable.I genuinely believe if I like some people, why would I hesitate so much to spend time with them? Why do we have to prepare ourselves as if we have to defend ourselves from an ineviatable confrontation? Do we get anxious when our friends or DH's friend come over and stay with us? No, because there is no undercurrent or no sense of being hurt or humiliated. If you are really apprensive about the fact that their presence and intervention will destroy you piece of mind , it is better to maintain a safe physical distance.At least the realationship won't end up being sour.
I still would say Renu, you are lucky... bacause you are in a position to take the decision if you want to invite them. In most of the cases including mine, in-laws talk to the son and express their willingness to come.DH will just come up and inform the wife that they are planning to come.It is all about informing the girl, not asking for her opinion.dils are not the decision-makers unless you are financially very stong or may be married for thirt years.On the contrary, if the girl is just a home maker, she precisely has to ask for her husband's permission(nor opinion) to bring her own parents.If the girl is financially independant ,still she has to consult with her husband to bring her own parents even though she is the one who is sponsoring her parents visit.
If girls parents can so well prepare themseves not to boss around and meddle in their daughter's life after her marriage , then why do we have to so considerate about boys parents and their feelings?If our parents don't ever calculate how much money, effort and affection they had to spend to raise their daughter, for her education, wedding and every damn thing with no expection of return, then why those self-centered in-laws are so proud that they have made so many sacrifices for their son? What kind of return they expected?Does that give them the right to interfere in their son's merried life and make it miserable?If our parents start calculating what they have achieved having a daughter, it will be a lose-lose situation for them.


To all those like Ennaye and Jasmine,, who are trying to teach a moral lesson , FYI, girls parents accepts the fact on the very day their princess is born that one day their girl will be married, she will have her own family where the parents have barely any rights to offer their suggestions.So this agrument itself is fake and superficial.Did you ever see that the girls parents are expressing their whims to come and stay with their daughter and son-in-law for several months unless they are invited?or they are complaining about not inviting them at their place?
And what so wrong about adopting american culture that parents and kids live separety.Isn't it better to live your own life your way instead of staying close or together or visinging each other everyday and then be unhappy about each others act that gradually turn into deep grievance and outrageous anger .Who wants to get into the dirty business of throwing mud at each other?

 

All married women respond with their own experience. There is only one thing to say for everybody's response is '' To each their own''.

I wouldnt say I will adjust with my in laws for 6 months of their trip here. I have a very bad experience in the past with them. That experience has lasted the last 6 yrs of my marriage and I have been married for 6 yrs.Even in telephone conversations it always ends up them abusing me and instigating my husband against me.(It happens although its hard to believe).I shudder to think what wud their stay for 6 months do.

 

Thanks Rihana.I wrote what I really believe. I have been reading all the posts here and some hypocrite goodie goodie typical posts just make me freak out.And why feeling guilty ? are you stealing someone's possession or doing any offensive act that is unforgivable?When we got married, we were expected to be matured enough to take charge of out own family , execute our share of responsibilities. Then why do we have to represent ourselves as traditional quiet, compromising and obedient dil to portray an good image of us and our family…go by others' rule..the concept itself is partial.Love and Respect are something that need to be earned through one’s behavior and true feeling of affection and certainly some positive influence .But do in-laws really care for that? They try to establish their rights and demand for RESPECT and OBEDIENCE. It is always like dils are second class citizens in the family. In some families this attitude is raw and harsh , in some cases this is suppressed and subtle. As a dil , I can say the feeling of togetherness and regards come from within once you get to mingle with your new family. But if that’s not happening , why is it a lapse from dil’s side as some people commented very rudely to Renu and whoever thinks alike. Can’t it be the narrow-mindedness of the ils? Why? Are they God ? as some one mentioned her sis has three sons whom she is raising with all her affection .is she gonna "give up" once they are married?give up what???? that means all the moms with this kind of "give up" mentality are already preparing themselves for an imaginary battle even when their kids are small.this is the negetive attitude...I know a lot of moms who are very clear about the fact that how can I expect a girl from another family to respect me and go by my rules just because I happen to be her mil through another relationship..she might have chosen her DH considering compatibily factor, but can someone choose in-laws ? then I can't force her to come and stay with us or allow us to interfere in their life.

If dils are criticized to be selfish and insecure to invite in-laws and share their life with them , what better in-laws are doing? Even you feel uninvited and unwelcome because of dil’s indifference which may seem baseless to you , still complaining about not inviting ?why on earth? is it like forcibly establishing your presence in her life? Certainly it is not about their pure love towards their son. Then you would be happy enough and have cherished your son’s company when they go to you place and spend time with you all instead of looking for such loopholes .

 

Very well made points sayanka. Totally agree with you on this.

I was almost thinking that this unfairness for woman will die out in our generation, when we become IL's. Looks like am wrong

 

As I sad earlier, 'To Each His Own".

Everybody reacts in their own way to their own situation .Who are we to comment on that.

All I can say is that very sorry for you. And I am not trying to moralise.

At the same time I cannot say well done. That is my view. No tiff with anyone.