I never invite my inlaws to stay with me...

ennaye · Feb 9, 2009

Thank you, Renu 1999, for posting your feelings about in-laws on this forum.

The replies posted here have reinforced my faith in the general goodheartedness of people. Otherwise, it was so depressing to read all the posts against the inlaws.

We all have to pass through the different stages of life and our attitudes and perspectives are bound to change with the change in circumstances.

Today's DIL is tomorrows MIL. My sister has three boys and she is always trying to steal herself against what kind of DILs she will have one day. Right now she is so busy ferrying them to and from school. Providing them with a good learning environment. Cooking their favourite dishes and fulfilling their every wish. She has a scrapbook where she painstakingly keeps every little detail of what loving remarks they make or funny things they say, so as to have lovely memories of her boys.

Do you think it will be easy for her to just give up her boys , who she is bringing up to become good , responsible young men? Just because some girl comes into their lives and wants his parents to do the vanishing trick?

Please girls , do not let such negative posts affect your reponses . Remember that we all have some resposibility towards family.

b86monica · Feb 9, 2009

Hello Renu,

I know how you feel. When I was in India I too suffered a lot with my in-laws. For the past couple of years I was feeling better without them. Now to make my life worse and miserable they will be coming to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">UK</st1lace></st1:country-region> to stay with us. I know things don’t turn out to be good for me when they are here as my DH is mama’s boy. I will left out as a odd one in the group. Pray n stay calm until they are here.

asuitablegirl · Feb 9, 2009

Do I have to wait for my DIL to invite me over to my SON's house?
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Um, isn't it your Dil's house too? Contrary to popular belief, son's aren't Kings with sole rulership over their Kingdoms. When your son gets married, it's no longer your "son's house." It's your "son and dil's house." You can keep thinking "my son my son my son" but your attitude that you can do whatever you want simply because he is "the son" is going to cause trouble for you later. Take a page from the many stories here and realize respect works both ways. If you want your dil to respect you, you have to respect her in return. If you become a tyrannical and obsessed mil, maybe your dil will be nice to you on your face, but behind your back she will be hating you.

For the record I never invite my inlaws over anymore due to what Rihana mentioned...

I cannot take a chance on my husband and me ending up with major differences due to our families' visiting,
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In fact my dh himself does not want his parents to come over. He can't control his mother and from sun up to sun down she says bad things about me in clear view (ex: "nasty whorish woman"). He doesn't even call her or take her phone calls anymore because the mental toll it takes on him and me to hear such nasty stuff was wrecking our marriage.

So I disagree that Renu or Rihana or me are selfish. We're just being cautious, and trying to make our marriages survive. Anyways, to each their own opinion. At the end of the day everyone must do what is right for themselves.

sayanka · Feb 9, 2009

I have a question... how many DH s invite their in-laws (our parents) willingly just to come and enjoy their vacation.. definitely not during his wife's pregnancy or delivery period when he needs a family member to be around in expectation that they will come and stay with us to take care of their daughter,kids or help in households etc.How many of you really experienced such unconditional warmth and respect of your DH towards your parents that he'll take the initiative to invite his in-laws to come and have a good time with their daughter whom they have raised with all their love and affection...Frankly speaking I don't know any such person.If the daughter's parents are here, that's just because the family needs help during the pregnancy or for post pregnancy care.Then why such a big hue and cry about how generous , courteous and broad minded a DIL is expected to be towards her in-laws???I have no battles with my in-laws, but I can distinguish between black and white.Rules and expectations should be the same and unanimous for everyone.in 99.99 % cases in-laws show the amount of affection, respect and courtesy to their SIL is nowhere comparable to their behavior with the DIL,no matter how good they behave with DIL.Most of the time they are quite open to criticize or advise their DILs for several things, but when it comes to their daughter's husband,everything he is does is beyond suggestion.they don't think they have any right to butt in their SIL personal decisions . I'd love to see there will be a time when the SIL will come and visit their in-laws, he'll be asked to help in cooking, invite family and friends and socialize with them as most of teh DILs do.And some People specially those who have sons are screaming about being broad minded and invite in-laws blah blah as it will be their turn in next 10/20 years.But can anyone ever expect that the way we call up and contact our in-laws every week as a part of out "duties" or out of "love" , our dhs are also gonna do the same with our parents spontaneously?things should be equal for everyone.

Renu1999 · Feb 9, 2009

Hi ennaye,

you are stating that sons mom does cooking,cleaning, ferrying them to and from school.....so she should be respected. Do you think daughters mom did nothing. I am really tired of hearing Inlaws saying I did that and this . while our daughters parents keep quiet doing everything..
Please dont talk in common DIL's should respect MIL .. try to understand individual situation if you can.

sonalie · Feb 9, 2009

come on jasmine,
dont be afraid...
we have to accept the reality, what to say..lower your expectations...
i am glad to say that now i have company to my point of view that was ridiculed or attacked so much initially....

and starter of thread, nothing to say but be happy in choices you make...be happy and let your husband be happy....your inlaws wont mind it a single bit...you call or dont call...as long as you two are happy together...wishing you well

jasminerule said: ↑

wowwww, reading your post makes me so sad, I am having a son who we will be raising with lot of love and sacrifice and the thought of him marrying a woman like you later in life really scare me. Do I have to wait for my DIL to invite me over to my SON's house? After raising him with so much love do we really have to do this when we get old and no longer able to support ourselves, am not talking only in term of money but in term of DIL having respect to her husband's parents?

And what do you find so wrong of your MIL calling her daughters and sons everyday??? Do you have children? Do you love them and want to talk to them?

I will be very sad if my daughter become such a selfish person like you are and God forbid my son will never marry such a woman. So saddddd....
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MrsV · Feb 9, 2009

ennaye said: ↑

Thank you, Renu 1999, for posting your feelings about in-laws on this forum.

Today's DIL is tomorrows MIL. My sister has three boys and she is always trying to steal herself against what kind of DILs she will have one day. Right now she is so busy ferrying them to and from school. Providing them with a good learning environment. Cooking their favourite dishes and fulfilling their every wish. She has a scrapbook where she painstakingly keeps every little detail of what loving remarks they make or funny things they say, so as to have lovely memories of her boys.

Do you think it will be easy for her to just give up her boys , who she is bringing up to become good , responsible young men? Just because some girl comes into their lives and wants his parents to do the vanishing trick?
quote]

Parents who have daughters do the same exact thing for them as well.. and the idea of giving up her boys, she does not have to when they are boys.. but when they become men, she will have to. If mothers who have boys want them to live them and forever, then she shouldn't get them married. If they are married, the MIL"s should learn to respect the new family and let them be.

I agree that we all have some responsibility to family, but MIL's can't grow up and accept the fact that their little boy is a man, then the issue lies elsewhere.
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Rihana · Feb 10, 2009

ennaye said: ↑

Today's DIL is tomorrows MIL. My sister has three boys and she is always trying to steal herself against what kind of DILs she will have one day. Right now she is so busy ferrying them to and from school. Providing them with a good learning environment. Cooking their favourite dishes and fulfilling their every wish. She has a scrapbook where she painstakingly keeps every little detail of what loving remarks they make or funny things they say, so as to have lovely memories of her boys.

Do you think it will be easy for her to just give up her boys , who she is bringing up to become good , responsible young men? Just because some girl comes into their lives and wants his parents to do the vanishing trick?

Please girls , do not let such negative posts affect your reponses . Remember that we all have some resposibility towards family.
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Ok. My husband's parents did all that cooking, fulfilling every wish, and they have lovely memories of their boy. They brought him up to be responsible man. Good. My parents also did exactly the same thing with me. Now, what should we do? All of us live in one house?

I would really like to know. Boy's parents did a great job in bringing up the boy. Girl's parents did a great job in brining up the girl. Now boy and girl are married. Next what? I think next boy and girl live together happily, and both sides parents visit them as often as possible. Is that positive enough? What exactly is negative about any so-called "negative posts".

Response to the green part would really clear up lot of doubts for me.

Rihana

vidhkarthik · Feb 10, 2009

Oh Rihana...Don't you know? We are girls and our parents didnt have to ferry us around, didnt have to provide us good education..nothing. We grew up all by ourselves without any care,love or anything whatsoever from our parents unlike the lucky boys.

Oh Boys...A parent of a son gives up their life for the son, brings him up like no other and is a unique gem in the family..unlike us unlucky girls. Hmmmf.

Thanks jasmine and ennaye for enlightening us and making us aware of the difficulties which only BOY's parents undergo to bring up their boys in this cruel cruel world.

Rihana · Feb 10, 2009

Vidhkarthik,

But I had a different theory. I thought I was found under the Christmas tree, from Santa, all gift wrapped and already grown up to be married. I thought that was why my parents didn't have to do anything during my growing up. Darn it, I was wrong. Or was I? Now, I am confused. Anyway, atleast we can all agree that boys parents do soooo much for them when they are growing up, and girls just grow up by magic. Just the exact magic is not known.

Seriously, I am getting a little tired of all this positivity-negativity statements. It is so simple, some of us have some problems or issues and come here to share. Some of us spend time suggesting solutions to problems. Nobody complains about in-laws for no reason, and all give credit where it is due. Every once in a while, I see this announcement of "alert, alert, too-much negativity, ignore it or you will perish." If women cannot come here in IL and express their problems freely without being hounded for being negative, I don't know where they can.

Expressing even the littlest bit of common sense and "look-after-your-own -marriage first" advice, like, limit in-laws visits, and we are branded as ingrates, negativity-broom-riding witches. Oh puhleez!

I am still waiting for someone to really answer my questions in green couple of posts earlier in this thread.

-Rihana