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I Need Suggestion How To Make My Husband Undertake

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rose03, Apr 19, 2020.

  1. Rose03

    Rose03 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi

    I need suggestions for how to make my husband understand about his role as a father and husband or responsibilities of married men and also his intention now where untill 6 months ago he was ill treating me .

    his upbringing is very different from normal husband , where his parents always lived on spend every penny you have on hand now with out thinking about tomorrow . Because of this they have not made any thing of their own ( like House for living too ) and my mother in law give importance to her sister and brother . So my husband growing up when he started earning , buying expensive gifts to his Family and extended family . He didn’t have single penny of saving after marriage . I come from wealthy family and my mother did not ask or check about all these . today I am experiencing the difficulties . They got him married to me because of wealth ( I can earn well)

    We live abroad , he does not tel me what he does with his salary . He just pays house rent , my salary goes in school fee ( quite expensive in the country where we live ) , my daughter’s extra curricular activities fee and groceries and helper.

    it happened for the last 3 years . Even when I became pregnant second time , he said ‘ don’t ask me I want money , I give you whatever I am giving right now ( paying rent ) ‘ he often travels , he seldom stayed like he will be outside of home for 15 days a month. After coming to home , he was not spending time with my daughter to take her out and teaching her something , always overwhelming for me . Anyways I used to fight with him and ask his parents why your son is like that ? Ahh ,most of the Indian parents want their lives to be luxury and so son , do not care about daughter in law . I was treated like money making machine , as it was an arranged marriage .

    last October I came to other country on work . I wanted my duaghter to be with me so she arrived here recently .

    For him , he wants to give luxury to his family , his elder sister unmarried and stay with his parents ( she works as wel ) , he does not make his sister to spend single penny for the home , he sends money every month and whenever they ask . ( for rent , their expenses and house expenses )
    I ask him , what expenses are you paying for me and my kid ?
    I live in different country for the last 6 months where my kid joined me recently ( he didn’t send me single penny untill I asked recently )

    and he bought expensive car for his sister which I didn’t know untill I got to know , he lies on every thing to me.
    to create an impression that his family not living up to the mark .
    his parents throw money at street vendor , they buy anything without checking the price of it ( I personally ask the price of it is worth paying , to me it surprises me ) and even his sister .
    If I buy new TOPs , he will buy double the amount of cloths , saying you bought new tops . he restrict me every time from buying gold ornaments ( I tel him we have a girl ) . His sisters and family ladies buy a lot , he does not say anything .

    (in fact his family did to the extent where , he had gold chain before marriage , his family wanted to buy gold necklace for his mom and so used his gold chain to make his mom’s necklace , thinking he will get from us after marriage and when I asked him , he didn’t say anything about it and he always hid .)

    when his parents in town , he does not close our room door as well , thinking his parents feel bad about it . One day it happened ( his father saw me in nude ) where my husband left room without closing doors , his father least bothered . Next moment we were supposed to go out for outing .
    I cried with so much of pain and blasting at my husband all happens because of you . He said think your father saw it . I would not let my father also see .
    I didn’t want to spoil the moment because of me and so we went ahead for outing . I am if he was there he would not have made it . Or I am not sure how other girls would have taken this . I had a deep pain inside me .
    Whenever my family visit us , he never wanted to stand pose with us , outing with us , to the extent where , I booked flight tickets , giving lame reason later saying he can’t make it .

    I always took his parents for outing when he was out of the town and did things .
    but whenever I asked for his help whenever they were in town , he was giving lame reason to avoid .

    because of my husband insecurity of what his family feels for everything , will take to any extent in future . Because of this he never wanted to post our pics on social media or travelling or anywhere . What his family ( sisters parents and aunts think of it , saying leaving me and enjoying with your wife )

    becuase of this he had an opportunity to take me to one of the countries he visited , he didn’t take .

    but today I have come on business trip and he travelled here .

    I am failing to understand this relationship and him .
    Now he comes back saying , so far whatever happened had happened , let’s be good . So much pain that I went through for the last 7 years even 6 months he beat me untill nose started heavily bleeding , where I had to rush immediately to hospital because I told my daughter that don’t go to his aunt home . ( they were tortured me and my family and telling badly about us to my husband , he was ill treating me in the first year of marriage)

    he bought a car recently to his sister ,
    When we wnTed to buy car here which is a necessity , he said he does not have savings to give me and he gave me very less amount and I paid the rest of the amount , where my daughter and I lived on Budget tight untill I get my salary ( even to get groceries )
    I told him , all these years , u didn’t give me any of your salary , today we wanted some money , u said u don’t have .what life we are leading ?
    think of you are fit for married life ?
    He says he has changed , but he acts and manipulates a lot to me . Which I became so depressed , now I am ok , although there is a challenge in handling kid and work and everything all alone .

    please pour in suggestions if there is online counsellor to make men the responsibility of the marriage or father or husband .
    I am sorry for the Long post . I have no other choice .
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, very sorry about all that you are going through.
    I usually rarely visit IL site but seeing your post, I loggedin to reply.

    Dear, if I get straight to the point, your husband is an overt narcissisist. Why are you spoiling your life with this worthless man?
    Adjusting with a partner, letting go of few faults is fine but not when the character itself is flawed.

    You have a daughter. Think of the example you are setting for her. She will grow up seeing you compromising your selfrespect for a worthless man. In future she may also think she should bear whatever a man treat her in a relationship.

    Don't you think it's high time that you take a decision and make your and your daughter's future better?
    He is neither a good husband nor a good father. Then what makes you bear everything and still stick on to this marriage?

    I know, we Indian women are taught to be quite and bear everything in marriage but not at the cost of your life.
    Seriously, there's physical abuse, narcissisist traits, financial abuse, emotional abuse.... And still you are expecting him to change?

    I think you are blessed that you have a good career and your daughter shifted with you. Take this opportunity and file divorce. make him pay for child support.

    There is noway this marriage will be good if continued. Please ensure you don't have another kid with him ever.

    Tell all these things to your parents. If they support you well and good. Even if not, you need to be strong and take this decision for your and your daughter's sake.

    Lots of luck to you.
    P.S find out divorce laws of the place you are in, consult attorney and take decision.

    I would have given you suggestion of couple counselling if there was only couple discord between both husband and wife but here, he is completely being narcissistic and a narcissisist eill never change.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Secure your finances.Do not help you H or his family financially.Tell him you do not mind to separate from him if he is fulfilling his duties as a husband and father.You are strong and your position is much better than women who is dependant on irresponsible husbands.Never ever take physical abuse from your husband.
     
  4. jewel4u86

    jewel4u86 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,

    I would suggest to discuss it with your parents. and take few decisions of your life, your parents can guide u well.

    sorry to say but ur husband is not going to change or understand. he is just playing with your emotions. be strong and avoid him. i know its easy to say but difficult to do. but i would suggest instead of taking pain it is better to stay away.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Your husband dont love or respect you. Sorry to say you can't change him. He has to change him self. That can happen if there is strong reason to do so. He is taking for you granted and has the belief that you will never leave him . You need to break that confidence. You need to change your approach.

    What I understood from your post are the following : he is an abuser ( a big no to physical abuse. If he do next time,tell him you will call police)

    For him,his family is his first priority. You may be his last priority.

    He is not a good father
    He is not a good provider.
    Then why are you there. He is simply using you as trophy wife in front of others and a baby machine. Anyway, you can assess it yourself. I feel he is wasting your life.

    If you want to give a try, first thing ,your own bank account. Dont give any money to him or his family. Learn to say NO. If he asks, tell him you have two kids to take care. Then secure all your savings accounts or money/property you got from your parents. It should be in your name. Calculate what's the monthly expense. If he is earning, he has to contribute more to monthly expenses. If you earn more than husband, you should. If both of you have similar income, both of you need to contribute equal.

    Start by asking 50% of the total expense per month. Rest he can decide. As long as he contribute to monthly expenses, you can not stop him from helping his family. Tell him contribute to his parent,but he should take care of his own family first. Let that be the first approach.

    If he dont contribute, just avoid him. Tell him you are ready to separate and he want to avoid that come for counseling. It's time for you to be firm. Tell him if you go for divorce he has pay more as ailmony. No use complaining your in laws. They will support him and blame you that you dont like him to support them even though leading a royal life. They will never understand your sufferings. Have you told your parents.

    Is it a long distance relationship? If both of you are staying away, then focus on your life and kids.

    He will try to emotionally brain wash you. Stay bold and firm. Show him your strong avatar this time.

    I think it's better to separate and stay away from him . Its good for you and your kids. Atleast you will have peace of mind. Sorry to say, your husband is not going to change. He may try to convince you. Ask for evidence. Ask him to save in your kids name. Invest for their education. Make a list. He has to change himself to win you . That should be the approach. Never ever tolerate physical abuse and be a victimof his manipulative behavior. If not it will be a life long struggle for you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2020
  6. Rose03

    Rose03 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks everybody . I have told him firmly yesterday saying , I don’t want you to be treated me like a ‘keep’ all through my life and so my daughter. I clearly said the duties of husband and father .If he agrees will continue Otherwise I have decided to divorce .
    Yes he wants to use me and my daughter as his status symbol . I went through lot of pain with him . He plays with emotions . In fact he spies on me and my family and even his family too ( his sisters and family ) to get to know details about us and find the weakness and control me using that weakness . I am enough of this .

    I do not want my duaghter to ask me or learn that woman should compromise or sacrifice a lot after marriage . I went through a lot like that .
    From making property to finding school to planning for future . I don’t understand what part he plays on our life ? If I ask he says ‘ see I am doing fixing taps at home and fixing any issues in home ‘ I go mad sometimes or most of the times . Because growing up I saw men in our family taking the full responsibility of family and women supporting husbands..

    I am 33 and I wish to go back and choose the right person .
     
  7. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    Let me explain the situation in different way.

    1. Some of us bought up in different situations like same as your hubby. His parents/family see him as money earning machine and he also molded, my family supported all these years for study and i need to support.
    2. Very difficult to bring him back to normal family man. Give a try .
    3. Before taking new decision , try few things. Give him a chance to change. Keep the time lines for this.
    A) Discuss with him and set the plan
    B) Write all your expenses and give it him and ask him to spend from his salary. Dont share the expenses for next few months and see the change .
    C) You should know about every penny moving from his account to his family .
    D) Track all the calls/messages / etc from today and see how genuine
    E) Ask him to build relation ship with your daughter. Give him time ie 4-6 months.
    F) Ask him to prove the love exists between you and him.
    G) Ask him to prove you more important in life than his family/sister etc. little too much , but need to check on it
    H) Dont worry about his behaviors wrto your family. he will change automatically once you set him the right path towards you.
    finally, Life is not as good as we dream. always ups and downs are there. For every problem, moving On is not an option. We should try best ways to cope up with the situation and see possible solutions. you never know, next guy will be worst than this.

    you have suffered 7 yrs and give a chance to prove him for next 6 months. if there is any violations as per your expectations, let him know.

    Your problem is common in many familes. Very few guys will change and think about future . But, they change later.
     
  8. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    stop thinking about another person, it is whole different process. do not add too many decisions without fixing the main issues.

    your spouse has severe issues.

    i see you have written your response, what was his response to your comment.

    do you work. If you do, make sure your career is well set. if not , work harder.
     

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