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I need some advise/opnion

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mithra, Jun 18, 2010.

  1. mithra

    mithra New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I'm a silent reader of this forum and I really appreciate the advise/help that is being given to people who really needed it.

    I'm married for 3+ yrs and have a kid of 2 yrs. Ours is a love marriage and we got married after lot of struggle(from my parents as we were not same caste). Even before marriage my DH family (my mil, and 2 sils) had formed some opinion about my mother(she is the one who appose a lot for our marriage) and they imposed the same on to my DH head.

    we were staying together with my ILs for one year and I really had hard time staying along with them. After my son born, I told him I cannot imagine staying my mil and sil, and I will go mad if I stay with them.

    I'm being the only daughter, my parents supported me when I told them sufferings. And with the help of my parents, I rented out a separate house without my DH and I moved in.

    By knowing this my DH called all of my relatives and talked bad about my parents and created hell lot of issues. After some many people advise he came to live with me. we are living together now.

    But he will not spend a single rupee for any house hold expenses, I have to spend everything from my salary. Also he will not disclose anything abt his salary and what he is doing with his salary also I dont know. I didnt want to fight with him for money issues, so I stopped asking him about that.

    He does not want any of my relatives comes to my house. If someone wants to come, I have to take permission from him. Once I brought my grandma from my native, he insulted her like anything. She is 80 yrs old, he didnt even give respect to her age.

    Yday my aunty came to help me out in taking care of my kid for few days, and I informed him about it. After she came, he started yelling at me and behaving like a rude. I didnt know what to do, just pray to God not to make things worse. Though he didnt insult her, he didnt speak to her at all and fighting with me.

    He is telling we will decide fate of our marrige, and doing name calling. I didnt want to leave him becoz my son's future is also involved.

    I need some advise what I'm doing wrong here and how can I make my DH feels it our family and not you and me. Please help me out.

    Thanks a lot for reading my lengthy post.
     
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  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Mithra,
    First of all your husband is being a Jerk. Either he is with you or not with you. Why does he live with you if the sole purpose of his life seems to be to torture you?

    You need to have a talk with him and stop taking his crap. You need to seriously consider this marriage's fate as your son seeing all this is not good.

    So have a talk with him and if he does not agree try seperation for a while. If he does not want to be with you no one should force him to be.

    Take Care..
    FL
     
  3. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Do what FL says above.

    Though one thing you did may have irked your DH "And with the help of my parents, I rented out a separate house without my DH and I moved in."

    That can cause lot of issues. You should have convinced and debated and moved WITH your DH with both of your financial resources. Shouldnt have moved with parents' help WITHOUT him.

    Anyway past is past.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2010
  4. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    I think what Spydee says has a point. But your hubby has no business to go on a sustained agenda like he is.

    You still refer to him as DH. Is there a (peer) pressure to do so? D is starting to lose it's value.

    Anyway, do you really need him? If I were you (of course, I will never know what it's like to be Indian woman, so forgive if I can not ever relate. Allow me to stretch anyway, hypothetically), I will not need a hubby around once he has become baggage and a nuisance to the extent yours has.

    To be fair to you, adding this as an after thought. There are some in my extended family with sicko hubbies and I ask the women involved the same question. I never got a reasonable answer. So, I guess you are not alone in not considering the kind of question I asked.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2010
  5. mithra

    mithra New IL'ite

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    Thanks FL. I will talk to him and ask whether he wants to continue in this relationship or not?

    Spiderman: you pointed out correctly. I moved out without him made him mad... but I tried convincing him a lot but he was not ready to come away from his mom. He is a 100% mama boy and still listens to her.

    sarma - To answer your question, I really dont know. I love him so much and I really want a dad for my son. I cannot think of son growing without his dad. May be this thought is hindering me in taking any decision.

    Even though ours is love marriage, I didnt see any any love in our marriage now.

    I'm very confused, becoz at times he seems to very caring and he admitted to me once that whatever his mom did was wrong and she didnt treat me well from the day one of our marriage.

    I really want him to understood the value of marriage
     
  6. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Mithra, of course your husband is feeling sore because of past incidents and that he had to move in along with you. Rather than hurting you directly and he chose a way to indirectly hurt you by insulting relatives who come to visit you. How does he behave when you, him and your kid are alone?

    Rather than calling your relatives to your home, you take a vacation to visit them yourself. Intimate him (and ask if he wishes to come along) and if he refuses you just go by yourself, this way you won't give him a chance to insult them.

    Why do you contribute money for home expenses without him doing the same? Looks like you feel that you owe him for coming along to live separately. You don't owe anything to him. Better way to deal with this is that you take some insurance policies, mutual funds or buy some property on loan which will take away some amount from your salary (ensure you keep enough amount for your kids needs and basic needs and bills). This way you can save your salary as well as make him spend.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2010
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Sounds like he is reacting your decision to elicit help from your parents to move out of the house with your child. He is lashing out at you for that. He finds his (perceived) authority challenged. All the rest he is doing is in reaction. Some ways to start the healing process is
    1. One-on-one talk
    2. Find a marriage counselor
    3. An older, wiser family member that both find to be relatively fair

    Just as you felt you would go mad staying with his parents, he is reacting to your move in unreasonable ways.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2010
  8. MULAN

    MULAN New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Just sharing thoughts.

    I dont think we should live for others. Life is too short. Enough of living for the society.

    I feel he is taking it on you as you wanted to move out. But this is no reason as he very well saw what you were going thru.

    Both should equally share the expenses of the family, the very fact he is not shows he is taking advantage of you. dont feel indebted because you moved out.

    Talk to him and try to sort things out. Try to keep relatives out for 6 months and sort out your issues, it is not good for you. You and he might forget this but relative will not.

    It cannot go on this way, ask him why is he behaving like this and resolve issues.

    Good Luck.:thumbsup
     
  9. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Mithra,

    My story of marriage is same as yours.

    I too had prbems with my MIL.

    you had resorted to the help and suggestion of your parents when you had troubles from inlaws.


    For a man it would mean that his ideas are not cared of when you move in to a seperate house without him. Why is it that you did not try to convince him and try to make him understand your problems and then move in to a seperate house.

    I a scenario where the DH has a presumption that his inlaws are his foes or the ones trying to control him, you should not ahve had hired a house with your parents' help. You could have atleast made it sound like your own effort that he would ahve given a thought that you couldn't stay with his mom or sis because of some problem affecting you to a great extent. Your parents coming in to this part would make him a picture like you and your parents are trying to make a doll out of him.

    Fights and concerns are a part of every married one;s life and It can all be solved by talking out openly between the two of you.

    I go by Bee Amma's suggestions here.
    1. Talk out - just the both of you - try to explain your problems . your tone should not be complaining of others ( rather explain it as what it was for you).
    2. Go to a marriage counsellor - i am sure that it would work out in a great way!

    Just play defence for some more time. Do not give him the taste of your nerves as that does not serve the purpose.

    Its not time yet for love to die for such small reasons! :) hence do not feel that way!. Its just a bad tide and this would pass too.

    Cheer up! Take Care.:thumbsup
     
  10. shobananewton

    shobananewton New IL'ite

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    hi mithra,
    i hope u'll feel a lot better in the comin days....first of all u were sayin that urs waz a love marriage...so am assumin that u guyz mus have been totally in love...u struggled so much to get married to him so that u guyz can start a family together and live happily everafter...but first u abandon his family,u come out of his house and then u settle down in a house with the help of ur parents which is totally totally wrong mitra..i mite be on the face but am jus lettin u kno where u went wrong...am sorry if am bein too rude.... once ur married keep ur parents outta ur married life....they are jus a guidin source but don expect them to be ur saviour for life ......atleast he's accepted and living with u now ....most husbands wouldn have done that mitra...this shows he loves u and cares for u...yes ofcourse he mus be actin a little weird here and ther ...but i think he wants u to understand somethin....even in the last line u were sayin that u din wanna leave him coz of ur son's future....common mitra afterall ur human tooo and u have needs tooo.so the solution wld be....talk to ur hubby...tell him that he's the utmost important person in ur life ....tell him that u love him ....and also tell him that u would like to have a new start as a family,as a wife and husband and as a aprent to ur kids...u should be doin great then....am hopin and will be prayin for the best .....keep it cool and calm..and sorry again if i waz rude..be happy..at the end of the day happiness counts a lot...cheers
     

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