I love my privacy....Everyone does!!!

Return to India syndrome - courtesy globalisation

 

I think it depends on how to manage it; For example, my husband loves privacy more than me. I don't think he'll ever let our guests use our master bedroom even in India; Set your own rules in your house; It's difficult to change if you don't do it early enough.

 

Yep some people like to know all details about other people's personal lives- starting from interfering parents who never let their children (read- sons) grow up. Set your boundaries even if you live in a joint family if that is important to you.

And frankly I would never ever give up my bedroom for guests.

 

i agree with uma. u have set ur own rules. u cant be too rigid in joint family but at least u can draw the line. eg dont allow visitors to ur own bedroom, or dont let them discuss ur private life. or if u're in ur room and they call u for chat or called to ask anything just tell them its late and u want to sleep or tired and want to nap. u have to start it the moment u begin ur life in india. so that ur ILs will treat u like foreign return and they get to use to it.

 

i agree with our above IL'tes comments... Prak never leave his bedroom if there is noo other room at all for the guests to sleep... in delhi we had one bedroom home and the hall was filled with our couch.. soo with no other goo, prak allowed them inside the bedroom and that time he is soo adjustable... they are also more need..

soo now once we got transfer, prak did the fist job to see a house with a extra room, with double cots... we use the room as dining hall and pooja room too.. as it is spacious we did it.. now we have all our privacy inside the locked master bedroom..

 

Like other ILs said, you need to set your rules and keep your DH informed about it. If you do make an exception for someone, make it a point to mention that you are making and exception this once only.

If you have unexpected guests, tell them very sweetly that you are on your way out to wherever. Apologize for not being able to spend time and say, next time lets plan a meetup better so no one is disappointed. After a couple of times, they will understand.

I followed this strictly when we R2I'ed. Fortunately, DH is also quite americanized after our long stay there and he would not hesitate to spell out the rules explicitly to anyone (that helped a lot)

 

My inlaws is a country side where no one is a stranger and everyone walks in directly to the bed room. Also, it is a male dominated place where "DIL needing space" is an unknown concept. We have lot of visitors - my FILs siblings, cousins, family friends, other relatives, neighbours and lot of people who visit. Which is all good, but the hard part is that most of these is unplanned visits and everytime, me ( the DIL of the house) is supposed to do the following -

1. Serve them tea/coffee & snacks
2. Entertain kids
3. Serve food ( DIL is not allowed to eat)
4. Just keep standing serving food at the dining or leaning to the wall in the living room when everyone is sitting( thatz right, the DIL does not sit even if the chair or couch is empty in front of elder men) from when they come in till they leave.
5. Clean up everything after they leave

On an average about 4-5 set of guests visit everyday and I am supposed to repeat the above steps for all of them. Some of them show up with no notice at 6.30 am saying we thought of dropping in during the morning walk and I am still expected to wake up and entertain them.

Beyond a point, it got annoying and I started locking myself up in my room and not showing up when guests came. MIL was initially irritated, but gradually they got used to it. My suggestion is "In your house, you make rules and norms!" It may raise eyebrows in the beginning, but gradually people will come to terms with it.

 

It can be very irritating if one gets used to privacy and freedom in US (or other countries). If you are staying in a metro, away from native and close family, its still manageable. But if you are returning into a joint family, then may God save you !!

I feel before returning itself, the wife, husband and parents should be on the same page about how you want things to be. One of my cousin had already decided it with his parents before returning that he will stay in a separate flat, even though his parents had a big house in the city. Now people are little weary of them, thinking he is all NRIsed and think twice before giving untimely visit.

If there is huge gap between your lifestyle and other's, if you are a little high-handed and somehow more proud or something, there will definitely be some sense of formality between you and others. Such people find it easy to manage R2I. Question is will you like to be like those?