1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

I Know I Am Wrong But I Don’t Know How Much Can I Handle

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by avantikaarora, Sep 18, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,801
    Likes Received:
    11,198
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Construction, work, kids etc..etc... are lame excuses. I asked you a question earlier? I ask the same again here!
    Would you continue to give similar excuses if one of your immediate family member (you, your H, your kids) are sick and need 24/7 home care?
    What would you do?

    Looks like you have a history of misunderstanding and sibling revelry in the family. Your older thread says that you do not share a great bonding with your mom, and having her around can either depress you or affect your marriage.
    It also appears that you have another sibling/sister who is having a better relationship with parents.

    Having said that, it takes two to tango.

    I can't judge anyone here. I don't know what is behind your problems with your parents and siblings?
    It seems your brother & sister are maintaining good relationship with your parents while you have all the problems with both sets.

    But these are irrelevant when it comes to caring for our parents. You have a role to play and a responsibility to share.

    If you can't host mom, offer something you can. You can either accompany her for the hospital trips, stay at hospitals, chemo schedules, etc....
    You may chose to take a long break from work and spend with your mom at your brother's place.
    You may cover her medical expenses, transport costs etc...If you do not have money, take loans.
    If construction work is the problem, stop them for a while and take care of your mom when she is in need.

    But don't do anything out of compulsion. You know better about your circumstances, and the history between you and your mother.
    If she was impartial towards you, and caused a lot of heartache to you and your family in the past, then she can't expect you to be a saint.

    Do whatever it is possible, and whatever it is naturally coming out of you. Love has to come naturally, it can't be forced.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2022
    sm123 and drdiva like this.
  2. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    335
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, you should make a monetary contribution to your brother for a maid or for your moms medical expense, apart from all the other contributions you are doing for your mother.
    Your brother and his family are all doing work from home. I understand your reasons are also genuine but it is also not less stressful for your brother and his family.

    Or else you could make an arrangement where 1 month your brother will take care of your mother and the next month you will take care stopping the construction work for that month.
    One question, why did you write off your share from the family inheritance. Did your brother not complain then saying sister should also get an equal share? Why cant he use that inheritance to fund a maid now.
     
  3. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    2,407
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Good that you are doing all this. Do what you can, to the best of it, why are you feeling guilty?

    Why have you signed over all your inheritance rights? They are your rights! and that of your children!
    And so you have the agreement with him that your mom will be fully your responsibility after one year? And why is he grumbling then? And why only one year?

    I think the whole situation is very unfair to you.
    And that is what we women have been conditioned to do - take more than our share of responsibility, yet feel guilty, feel that getting our rightful inheritance is being "unfair" ...

    If your mom has assets that can basically cover her finances needed, then it is more of the physical effort and emotional support that is need for her care ( not underestimating that) and that can be divided -- of course the one hosting her will have to invest more time .

    So please stop feeling guilty.
     
  4. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,211
    Likes Received:
    13,027
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    In this situation there are no wrong or right choices; Only the ones you can live with. From previous replies I gather you don’t have a good relationship with your brother and mom. If the guilt you are feeling has to do with not doing enough for your sick mother, then rethink your decision and spare yourself the pain of regret. That stuff is insidious. It will eat you from the inside. If it is merely the 'what will people think' kind of guilt, then banish that thought and be content doing what is feasible within your current circumstances. If your conscience is clear about your obligations towards your mother then don't let other people's perception affect your decision. In the end you are the one who needs to be at peace with your choices. Choose whatever will let you sleep peacefully for the rest of your life.
     
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,937
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Deleted because pretty much every one else also said the same thing.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2022
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,937
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,
    I’m a little taken aback by your question. It seems you are not willing to make the slightest modification to your schedule? Is it your expectation that your mom should be magically taken care of without you changing a thing in your current schedule? How is this possible?

    And further if you are so adamant that you will not make any changes whatsoever I don’t understand why you made this thread in the first place. If you are so clear then why…

    OP, I feel you have lot of misunderstandings and anger in your mind, which are holding you back. A frank talk with your brother may clear the air. Somethings are quite confusing. You claim you willingly signed over inheritance but now you are resentful and unwilling to help as if you have been disinherited without a choice. It can be one or the other, not both!

    Lot of confusion in your mind. Talk to your brother openly and resolve the misunderstandings while there is still time is my advice. No point repenting later. And there will be a later and there will be a lot of guilt. I hope you are able to take a decision in time. Best wishes!
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2022
    drdiva likes this.
  7. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    107
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,

    I came across this post today. @SGBV explained it very well.But let me tell you my experience as we were in the same boat few years back.

    My mom got diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer when she was in india few years back.Since all(I have two brothers and me) of us are here,we got her here for the treatment.

    Cancer treatment here is no fun as you already realised.First thing is financial support,then taking care of my mom 24/7,then emotional support and then dealing with our family responsibilities(My job,young kids etc). It was such a roller coaster for us. We were not even sure whether we would be able bear the financial expesnes,leave the rest.

    Both my brothers took turns in taking care of her,luckily they live near by..But even then it was exhausting. My elder borther had a teenager,so you can imagine next the set of troubles there. We live in a different state,I and my daughter literally moved to my brother place,to help my SIL with the stuff( again,My mom always had a good realtion with them,so they were willing to take extra step) and ofcourse,since I also joined,it gave them little bit of extra help.

    My daughter was super upset that I moved her school.My DH was with my son at home.I used to come to my place once in 3 weeks and cook the stuff,freeze them and then go back..Since I was at my brother place,obviously my freedom is limited and I was always making sure that I am not stepping into their issues.

    I never asked any money or nor I am interested in their money. I felt its my duty to take care of my mom. One time,My mom herself told me that,she does not remember even if she did all this to her my mom.So,she was happy that kids took care of her,especially me.

    On the other side,I had to really step up with my DH for this move and kind of informed him that I need to take care of my mom.So,you need to help me.If you dont help me,whom else I can ask. I didnt ask for his permission,Infact I just took the decision(Not sure how I did that,read my other threads too to see how much tensed I will be,wrt to inlaws stuff). He didnt had choice other than supporting me.

    Work wise,I just joined then a new job,I told them that either I shall quit or give me wfh(I am fine taking pay cut)..They were not happy,but I didnt care.So they ended up giving the flexibility but with obviously,pay cut.

    We all shared the financial expenses.We all shared the caring responsbility,we all took the share in 24/7 caring.We literally planned the shifts,as all of us are working and dealing with kids ranging from 15 years-3 years,so you can imagine.

    Being said that,Inlaws got very mad at me as I left my son with DH and went to my brothers place. Even today,they still complain that I am very partial to my side and I dont take care of my inlaws or dh etc..But thats fine,thats them..I know at the end of the day,I did right.

    One day my mom died peacefully. I dont even remember how she was in my childhood or I dont want to think..At the end of the day,its my mom and its my duty..More over,my kids are watching me.I want them to stand up when the situations are not good.

    I am not writing all this to say that,I did that and this.I just wanted to let you know that I can totally imagine how hard it could for 2 people to take care of cancer patient..We had hard time with 4 people around her to manage stuff. Fast forward,I am at peace and I dont have regrets...My mom is happy that we took care of very well.

    I have seen many people,not being able to get their parents here. Atleast your mom is near by and you were able to afford stuff to some extent. See what best you can do and plan accordingly.

    At the end,we dont want to die with regrets.Ask your heart what it says and do the right thing,whatever it is.

    And lastly, My inlaws was/are torturous to me. God forbid,if my MIL gets into this similar situations,I would do the same again,I will try my best to take care of her. Infact, when my FIL got diagnosed with covid during 1st wave in India.When my DH wanted to travel,I didnt oppose him. Infact FL died with Covid only.

    They being like that is their problem..But I am not them, and I dont want to be them.

    Do the right thing,follow the heart and rest will fall in place. Hope this perspective helps you to take the decission.Rest leave it to god.
     
    Janakinarne likes this.
  8. brahan

    brahan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,864
    Likes Received:
    1,081
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    I think construction can pause for some time. They can be done any time , but its time your mom is well taken care now. I understand you are also facing health issues and working

    Here are some suggestions:

    1. Please ask for WFH
    2. Check if there is any option of a home nurse to take care during working hours.
    3. Cooking can be done one shot on a weekend and reheated whenever needed.
    3. Stop the construction. That can wait.

    I feel its our duty to support our parents especially in sickness

    Later if we dont that regret and guilt is enough to kill us
     

Share This Page