I Know Exactly How You Feel

Everyone here knows how the world works right, we have all been here long enough to understand the workings of this universe. The universal funda that rules the world is the “grass is always greener on the other side,” for instance women with curly hair crave silky straight hair and women with silky straight hair want the volume and bounce that women with curly hair have.

Americans love South Asians and their tanned skin tone, but I don’t think there is too much to write about our community’s fascination with “fair & lovely!” Another extension of the grass is greener on the other side is the popular quote the “neighbor’s wife is always prettier and cooks better!”

But what has recently amused about our human race is our ability to take eons about other people without knowing their reality and their lived in experience. Off-late I have become very conscious of this fact owing to a recent experience I had.

I have this wonderful neighbor, from an Eastern European country in my neighborhood. In her early 80’s I bump into her often in the elevator or when I am on my way to school, I find her sitting in our lobby chatting with the receptionist. She lives alone and her children visit her regularly. She recently revealed that growing and living in a communist country was very difficult and she loves and appreciates the democracy and freedom the US of A provides her with.

Her comment on communism piqued my interest, my grandfather was a communist and growing up alongside listening to his stories only made me affirm the belief that communism was “better than socialism or liberalism.” I felt stupid now for making far-reaching comments without having ever lived in a communist society. How can I say or vouch that something is better without ever having experienced it, does not seem like rocket science but a lot of us do this thing sometimes mindfully and sometimes unknowingly. How we like talking on behalf of someone or representing someone’s issues without having ever experienced it or ever having talked to them about it? Patronizing is second nature to many humans.

In a recent group discussion that I had around women’s issues, a male member in the group made a very poignant comment. “I will never know the fear that women feel when they have to walk home late in the night after a hard day’s work. Or why they hold their bags so close to themselves or the discomfort when someone tries to get frisky with you on the subway or when someone stalks you…”

He went on to add, “But what I can do is when you talk about it listen to you patiently and believe your story and be a good ally. Rather than questioning the clothing you were wearing or asking why you were out so late, I will stand by you and say that nobody has the right to do any of the above things – that is what a good ally does!”

I almost had tears in my eyes when I heard that comment, coming from a man. After class I thanked him, and he replied “I cannot talk about a woman’s experiences because I am a man, I will never know how any of it feels so I should just shut up because I might just come across as ignorant. The best I could do is be a good listener…”

Recently I read a feminist blog wherein the writer argued, “motherhood was oppressive and it was nothing but a ploy to tie women down and govern their bodies.” I wrote back to her asking how many children she had and the answer was “I do not have children and I do not plan on having any.” I sent a mail back saying, “I don’t think then you should be writing about motherhood, because you have not experienced it. Talking about motherhood, when you are not a mother is nothing but disrespectful to all the mothers around the world and discounts their experience.”

I was so upset by the above comment because I have a very close friend who is a mother of two and I see her struggle each day to give her children the best and not once has she called it oppressive rather she calls it spiritual. I see it as an insult to my own mother’s experience!

I have a personal gripe against people who portray a particular religion as being oppressive to women, because in my own opinion all religions have their share of issues so nobody gets a pass.

My own family does this at times and it makes me nothing but M.A.D! Once while traveling my mom and I met with a Muslim woman, who was wearing a burqa. Our conversation veered to stereotypes and my mom said that how catholic women in India are often stereotyped as wearing short clothes and being easily available.
While this woman said how all Muslim women were observed as being “submissive and oppressed,” my mom’s reply was but aren’t you not, “you have to cover yourself in so much clothing I cannot even imagine how it must be in the summer for you!” Pat came the reply from that lady “well, you cannot imagine so you should not talk about it. Tell me one religion that is not oppressive towards women. You will never understand my relationship with my hijab because you do not wear it. Catholic women at one point wore veils but nobody called it oppressive! You religion is against contraceptive use but nobody considers that backward but sadly my religion has time and again been targeted.” For the first time my mom did not argue and she made me proud by apologizing to that lady for hurting her religious sentiments.

In the book Who Speaks for Islam, which is based on Gallup Polls that have been administered worldwide, the authors write that Western women see Muslim women as needing to be “liberated,” but the majority of Muslim women say they are comfortable with their lot in life. They would like to be able to vote without outside influence, work at a job for which they are qualified and be able to drive. And argued that the burqa was never an issue for them.... They had more pressing issues... such as lack of unity among Muslims, extremism, high unemployment and political corruption apart from the others mentioned above. The polls also found out that the wearing of hijab does not imply the same thing to Muslim women as it does to non-Muslim women. The polls show that the majority of Muslim women feel sorry for Western women because of the way they are degraded by the men who treat them as sex objects. I think every human being should have the right to choose what they want to wear.

It is interesting to see how we people perceive each other and make value judgments without knowing anything about the lived-in experience or needs and aspirations of another person. Let us all open the windows of our mind and use the power of knowledge to unite us in our struggles and be "good allies and respect everyone's thought process, no matter how different they are from ours."

Rather than assuming what is happening in someone else’s life and make a fighting call for them because they may not even want the liberation that we are fighting for, they might be wanting something else altogether.

I further want to add that this issue has been simmering in my mind, after reading a lot of posts on IL and I talked about it in the snippets because I think this is a Safe Space, where everyone is respectful to each other and let us keep it this way.

 

Christine I send you a big hug!!! Thanks for sharing your experience, yes nobody but you understand your life experience and sometimes you need someone to acknowledge your pain and your suffering, no matter how big or small that issue is.
This is what I will tell you Go Get Them Tiger.....

 

Dear AC

Thank you so much for such a positive response. I know sometimes it is better to laugh it off at people's ignorance, rather than argue with them. I do that too sometimes, but you know some people just invite trouble from me A girl can only control so much

Off-late I am tired of people just making these statements about other people or without knowing their experience.
I have never said this but when I write about my mom in all the posts, she is not my biological mom, she is actually my adopted mom and a lot of people have told me that our relationship could never be the same because she did not give birth to my biologically and it has always upset me. Because people do not share or know anything about our life or the relationship we have, then why comment on it and say things like "oh, life must have been so difficult for you," "you surely have an identity crisis" I have none of that and my life has been pretty good.
In fact I am more closer to her than to my biological mother.

And this passing off judgments happens so much that it is almost become normal for people to say things and get away with it.

I love the quote with which you have ended the post It is a perfect tribute to breaking stereotypes Thank You!!!

 

Thank you AC you are very kind Life is beautiful