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I Have A Husband, Many Women Dream For. But…

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeautifulSmile, Mar 13, 2023.

  1. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

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    We both met when we were 19 & 20, almost half of our lives we are together. It took a lot of energy to get approval from parents for our marriage. Finally it happened, in that process we both suffered so much, lots of ups and downs. Fast forward now: He is the best husband. Wakes up before me, gets into the kitchen before me, cooks and packs kids lunch boxes every single day, whereas I take care of getting them ready, getting our lunch ready, etc etc as I login by 7am to handle teams across the globe. He also cleans the kitchen, sweeps the pooja room and kitchen so I can do pooja every day. Not even single outside work will let it come to me, whereas kids HomeWorks and the rest of the household I take care of. It's a perfect balance. As I am very busy continuously he calls my dad and checks how they are, if they need anything etc. Helps my sister in many ways.

    But I am completely shut off from S_ _. Last time we had it was 10 months ago. I feel so dead. Every single night he checks , I am not interested he just keeps calm. But our affection for each other didn’t compromise, without hugging him I cant slip into sleep, same for him. But I don’t know why? Went to primary Dr, she suggested that I see OBGYN, she said oh its normal. Just work it out in your mood. I do have work disturbances, but when my day is so calm also I have no interest in that. We both spend very good quality time with each other, as we both are so organized we find good time for each other. Kids are very cooperative in most, so nothing sort of not having time.

    They did Perimenopause and some hormone tests, everything seems to be normal. But I am dying, last night I tried to put in an effort. I was crying all the time without him seeing but I can't continue to be like this. That’s the best bonding in marriage. I want to work on it, mentally I am fine but I feel this is not right. Please help, how can I overcome this? Is there anything as external support?

  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    First off, don't think of it as something you have to overcome or that this is not right. That puts a lot of avoidable stress and guilt on yourself. You have already taken so many steps to address it, appreciate that in yourself.

    It's not something to be overcome. Think of it as you wish you guys were intimate more often, that you were in the mood more often. Just a change you want to bring in your life slowly. What I mean is dial down the intensity with which you try to fix this situation.

    Actual steps you could try:
    1) Consult a more specialized doctor? More tests?
    2) Talk to a therapist. Online ones like BetterHelp would be a good option.
    3) Work related issues: going by your last 2-3 threads, you take work related things to heart. That anxiety and stress becomes a part of you. Having a normal no disturbance day at work does not mean the overall anxiety or stress are reduced in you. You need to slowly learn mechanisms which will make you better at dealing with work stress. Therapy will help with this also. If fnding a therapist takes time, watch some good videos on "Distress tolerance and DBT." Or, listen to podcasts on the topic.
    4) There is no rule that you have to be 100% in the mood and all should be natural. Use whatever helps. A good lubricant, steamy nonsense romance novel, mommy-p_orn.. Anything that helps you to say yes when your husband checks in and stays calm with your no.
    5) Sex does not have to be as it is defined usually. As a random example, two people can cuddle, talk, pleasure each other, but the end "act" can be optional or taken care of individually.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I would go see another doctor if yours is just dismissing your concerns.
    Are you on hormonal birth control? That can cause libido issues. Also the natural changes that come with perimenopause.
    And after you fall out of practice for a while then it can seem like a big hurdle to take the next step again.
    Try not to let the pressure get to you too much. I have seen the advice to actually schedule intimate time on your calendar. You can pick a time when you will feel most relaxed. Start slow, and you don’t have to do everything but at least try to take baby steps.
    BeautifulSmile likes this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Good that you realise its importance and is taking efforts. It can happen with age, menopause and other issues. No need to stress out over this, take baby steps.
    However, it is important to identity the reasons if you really like to fix it.
    1) no interest, no desire, but you enjoy the act and your body works, gets aroused, reaches peak, etc...if you go for it. --low drive / low libido.
    If this is the case I suggest you to go for it when both of you are relaxed and have a good time. The more you do, your body may tune with it. Try atleast once in week. See above @Rihana has provided great tips. Try to mechanically create the mood and just do it
    2) even if you try, your body not working, not enjoying the act, feels numb, not getting aroused, ->possible situation like sexual dysfunction. In this case you may need specialist attention. I dont think gyn alone gelp it, sexologist?

    Even if you are facing either of the two situation, you can still please your h. Atleast try, so that he wont feel ignored.

    It is important you communicate this situation with your h. As you have a great husband you dont have to shy away from it. Tell him you desire it but you are facing these issues and you need his support. That may help him to help you as well and remove this tension of hiding this issue from him.

    I also suggest you to have full body checkup, blood work , check vitamin levels etc. Make sure you are not anemic, have no thyroid issue, do pelvic excercise to improve blood flow to that region. Make sure you supplement vitamins including D. Healthy body is needed and the effects of age and related issues cant be be ignored.
    Also, see if other method 4 @Rihana, create aroused feeling in you. Some people suggest even to explore if you can help yourself. Read more about it. Check posts in intimacy section/ relationship, for more feedsbacks to similar problems.
    If you have lot of stress, try methods to get rid if its effects. I read that aswagandha tablets can help 1 and 2. Pl identity the issue, understand it and explore it.
    As both of you have different drives now, it can create issue as he is much interested in it, so take baby steps. Its important to communicate to your h and seek his support, together you can fix it. Takecare.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2023
    BeautifulSmile likes this.

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