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I hate you MIL..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by daydreamgirl, Jan 18, 2014.

  1. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, Understand the relief you feel after this post...Quite similar things happened to me as well..H is a mama's boy and that makes matters worse..Till date often I hear my MIL wailing aloud that her son has been 'snatched' from her after marriage..and I don't know why she says that considering that when we are in India, her son always sits with her,every single moment he is awake on holidays..and when we are abroad, he calls her up twice a day everyday...My H used to refuse food if I did not call my MIL too everyday...I used to get emotionally blackmailed to calling her EVERY single day...Now I have put my foot down and call her once a week..
    At the day end I know there is no respite..my H will NEVER stay apart from his mom once we are back in India...so my whole life I will keep on trying to tolerate constant insults from my MIL...No light at the end of the tunnel..No parents also to give me some break from it..So now I try to numb my senses as much as I can..I want to go deaf as soon as possible..
     
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  2. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, a tip for future : don't put kids to bed with jewellery on.

    I remove ALL my jewellery before going to bed. If your child is like me, he is not going to sleep!
     
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  3. oysterzzz

    oysterzzz Gold IL'ite

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    Dear daydreamgirl, Thanks for taking everyone's advice positively. Yes you are right. They won't understand unless they see our bills n list of expenses with their own eyes. You should be taking up some insurance polices so that you are saving indirectly. Even my hubby was left with 0 bal when we got married. He used to work in singapore and used to send all his sal to his parents. monthly expenses of 1lac rs for a people of 4 is really hard to believe. and whats shocking is, they couldn't save from that money too. My MIL distributed silver kumkum box to every girl thinking herself as a rajamatha. Yes i can understand about the 'show off' you are talking. anyways this is how it is. I guess all the mothers who couldn't or never got a chance to spend their hubby's money will look fwd to throw their son's money for all useless crap.
     
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  4. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, increase your expense and let husband figure out what he will do about his mom.
     
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  5. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    I married a mama's boy. Realized that about a week after marriage. My father brought my sis and me up to be totally independent and taught us that if we can do something ourselves, we should not make somebody else do it.

    DH was brought up being told that the world was his to do with as he wished. That the rest of humanity was around just to serve him. He had a rude shock when he asked me to do some things (embarassed to say...but he used to be fed a banana every night after dinner...by his mom) and when I was asked to do the same, told him he could do it himself or get his mom to do it. We moved out after 6 months to the US. He was still a mama's boy and I stopped complaining to him after his first temper tantrum. I bit my tongue and bore it every time my in-laws said anything. Took our first trip back home for him to realize that if he did not stand up for me, even his life was going to be miserable. So he fought to take me out to dinner, to buy me a dress. Till date he has never bought me any jewellery in India. Everytime I ask for something they come to know and some huge expense comes that the money goes there. I don't fight it because i know his finances and if I strain him, its my family that is going to lose out in the end.

    Be patient, let your husband see exactly what his parents are capable of, and he will ultimately come to his senses (hopefully). Things still irritate me, but now I can openly tell him and not expect a tantrum in response.
     
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  6. daydreamgirl

    daydreamgirl Senior IL'ite

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    Mybaby1,
    I have tried that too, I have tried telling him about how some of my friends who have made some investments on a house or for their kids future but you know what happened one day? he vented out on me saying - i compare him to my friends who's made money and are doing well which means I am telling him that he's not made any money and he told me that I should have got married to some rich guy. Similar thing happened when my mom was here, she told me about one of our relative's daughter who bought a house and it had turned my H off. He assumed that my mom was making up stories or was trying to taunt him that he has not made anything yet. He even told me about it saying, your mom was talking about people with money, she should have thought about it before getting you married to me and I was like- pleaseeee for heavens sake give me a break, I want to run away to himalayas. From then on I have asked my mom not to talk anything about anybody else when he is around and you know when my H is back home, my mom does not come out of her room for the fear of uttering something that might turn my H off! with all these turning on and off it would be of no wonder if I go permanently off someday! :p

    Jigisha,
    Sorry about your parents :(
    I understand how difficult it might be on your part. When my IL's where here, they often spoke about how their friends son's family was well settled as both of them were working which means lots of money. We were expecting the same with your wife but she got pregnant and all that crap, I was already frustrated with how our planning had gone for a toss and how difficult it was on our part to accept the things the way it came and these people are thinking of loss in the double salary.
    When you said you H is a mama's boy it reminds me of an instance when I was in my final trimester of pregnancy and one day myself and my H were having a casual discussion in which somehow the topic of his mother came up and you know what he says - 'I love my mother more than anyone one so you better treat my mother well. God forbid if a day comes when you even think of saying its either me or your mom, then it is for sure that you leave the house and not my mother!'. It was a very casual talk that day and I have no clue from where this whole thing came up. I just kept quite, but deep inside I was hurt, not because he said he loves his mother more than anyone else but because of the moment when he took out that topic. I was married 10months ago leaving all my near and dear ones, leaving my job, to a place where everything and everybody were new to me, no job, no friends (I had spent all that 9months just staring at the wall), I was so lonely, I was pregnant, I was emotionally weak, I had no one to take care of me till 9th month (my mom came a week before my delivery) and this is what I get to hear.
    You know similar instances have happened many a times, one day while we were just having a discussion about when we should return to India as our parents are getting old and we got to be there with them (again it was a very casual discussion). I said, my parents have done so much for me so once after I start earning I should be of some help to them too is all I said, for which my H bluntly says - I know you won't like this, but let me put it straight, your parents should not expect any help from us and we won't be helping too! (According to him, since I have a brother he should be taking care of my parents and not me) Can you believe this? My parents would never expect any help from us either, they are self reliant but I wanted to make their life more comfortable than it is now is what I meant but this is the answer I get.
    As I mentioned before, myself and my H are like enemies when it comes to our parents, he can't hear anything negative about his family neither can I. One day, I was for some reason defending one my family member to which my H got irritated and he says - 'you are married to me now and stop arguing with me about your family. You got to be biased to your family from now on instead of supporting them all the while'. I was like what the hell? It was with my family that I spent all my life till now and all of I sudden how can I get biased and why get biased? Who's made such rule? I asked him not to have such high expectations and I left the room. I was so mad at him, I wanted to yell at him but I couldn't, even now when I think of it I get furious.
    I often feel why did I ever get married? I was happy being single, working, independent, I was taking care of myself. I even ask my mom ki why did she ever got me married while even she knew that life is full of compromises, even they have had a lot of struggle all their life - settling themselves, settling their kids, now worrying about kids to be happy and fine. If this is marriage then why get married at all? I might be having everything in life - loving parents, siblings, husband, kid but still I am not happy, I feel I have more expectations from life, I feel I am lost, I feel lonely.. :(

    tulipzz,
    Tip considered! :) I don't put any jewelry on my kid after that episode of rashes on his neck.

    oysterzzz,
    You got it right, they don't know our bills, they don't know our expenses or may be even if they know they think my son is a crorepathy so he can manage!

    Anahita,
    You won't believe I have got this feeling many a times but ultimately I couldn't do it. I am bugged of answering questions i get irritated and at the end I say forget it I don't need it.

    DKI,
    I am kind of in your situation but I do not have so much of patience dear. I get worked up, I have a son who keeps me busy all the while(my H is not that helping kinds nor does he have much time to help) , upon that I have to handle all these nonsense and at the end of it, I take it out on my poor little guy who doesn't know anything. I feel so sorry for him :(
    I have tried talking to my mom about such things, initially she supported me but looks like my Dad told my mom not to support me as that might provoke me to argue with my H. So lately whenever I try to take such matters with mom she hangs up the call saying she would call me later and never call me back. She knowa if she does not support me I will go wild! I have this bad habbit of not keeping things with in me. If I do, then I would bottle up everything and burst out real bad some day for sure which is why I have approached this forum where I can atleast vent it out.
    I understand that our actions will ultimately affect our family but what could be the ultimate resort? Right now I feel my life is kind of a mess and I need to set things right and I need some peace of mind to get back to my norm and I have no idea how?!
     
  7. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    Not loving someone, not liking someone & Hating someone are according to me 3 different things.

    I can totally understand what you must have gone through.....& after all this 1.5 mths with them will be as hard as jumping in ice cold water......I too do similar tricks of keeping myself busy in the room instead of arguing with the old hag....but ofcourse going with current situations, a huge break down drama is sure on its way....

    I wish you lots of goody times with your parents & fun at your brothers wedding & hope you are back home before you even realize the negativity of your MIL.
     
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  8. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Doing this might actually be the solution to your issue of hating your MIL. You need not mention it here, but it might be nice to mention it to yourself now and then to tone down the hatred a little bit. Hating is pretty strong emotion, the other person may/may not realize your hate, but the hater can get pretty consumed by it.

    List all of the many good things you say your MIL has and weigh them against the instances you have mentioned above and decide if you really need to hate her.
     
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  9. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    Daydreamgirl, There are many similarities with you and I am getting astonished at the similarities...Mostly your line 'my and my H are like enemies when it comes to families' summarizes my situation too well also..My H had also given me the impression many times that I have to bear the tantrums of his mother no-matter-what,even at the cost of my own mental peace...I have also come across comments from both my MIL and H like 'if you are so attached to your parents then why did you get married'..I have heard words like 'You can leave and stay with your parents'..etc etc..I feel that the pain of such words is everlasting..I am not saying that my H does not have any good qualities..But who has taught him that the girl's parents are secondary once she gets married ? My MIL of course..and my H, being a true mama's boy has not been able to come out of that thought process...It rankles...it rankles a lot..the pain of it, the injustice of it..I will carry that with me till the last day of my life...

    I guess marriage is just a process of realizing that expectations are meant to be broken...some are kept..but some must be broken...and the process of accepting it and moving on is life..Maybe my ideals were too high and I expected too much...maybe the lesser our expectations are, the happier we get.

    The first year of my marriage was spent on fighting on these equality issues..now I have given up..Of course it is not a happy life..but who cares..life is just a journey to be made and i mean to make the best of my situation...i HAVE to keep myself happy so that my DD does not see a depressed mother in front of her...that keeps me going.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2014
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  10. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    hi dear.. Loved your title!!!.
    but dear do you know "love " and "Hate" are perhaps the 2 most important emotions we humans have? it takes equal amount of effort & stress to love and hate.. so why waste this precious effort and get stressed for people who cause you grief??? why empower them with that right to take over your peace and cause problems with your best buddy your DH?.. learn to practise the art of ignore.. learn to shut and lock up completely such entities who make you unhappy.. what do you do when you don't like a "thing"?? you throw it or perhaps keep it away same thing with people.. just make up your mind not to let them affect you..
    Off course there are many good things about my MIL but since I don't like her, I do not want to mention them here.
    this can be said for all of us... but sometimes the bad out numbers the good in terms of intensity.. so accept it., and move on
    as for your India plans.. go to your mom's house enjoy.. also visit your inlaws in between for short day visits.. let them take the baby for a while if you are not breast feeding the kid.. will give you a respite also..and always remember there is nothing they can do which you can't undo.. and there is a lot you can do with your actions which will speak volumes for you and strengthen your relationship with your Hubby and son..
     
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