I hate you MIL..

daydreamgirl · Jan 18, 2014

I want to vent out my dislike towards my MIL here. I don't know, I just can't like her. She is like a disturbance in my life. If its anything about her, I just can't concentrate on what I actually do. I don't know why I feel so, everyone in my relatives circle say that I am the luckiest person to have had godlike IL's. I agree to some extent because my FIL is a saint kind and my MIL may also be a female saint kind but I don't like her that's it!

It all started after my wedding (obviously) which happened 2 year back with a NRI that I had to quit everything in India and come behind him to set up a so called married life. Myself and my husband are like best buddies when it comes to just us but we are like enemies when its a matter of our respective parents. My husband and my MIL are like fevicol jodi (I am absolutely fine with them being the way they are) but my husbands unconditional love towards his mother makes him dance to her tunes. Both my MIL and DH are showing off kinds.. I don't know from where should I be starting... while I was shopping for my wedding, my DH and my MIL had told me that I should buy whatever kind of saree or jewelry I wanted so initially my impression was as if they don't mind spending but it was right after our marriage I realized that my DH is not so spending kinds. You need to give him a proper reason for whatever you buy like why do I need it? How useful it is? Is it worth paying so much? Is it going to go waste etc etc. This was a kind of disappointment for me because I am not that spending kinds, upon that my DH asks me questions on everything I wanted made me uncomfortable, that too having worked in India for several years and then being dependent to such an extent was something that I couldn't accept. However, I overcame it and I am kind of used to my DH's questionnaire's . My DH often passes comments saying getting married is an expensive thing in life, I never knew it would cost me so much that I had to go on debt and things like that. Eventually I realized that it was because of my MIL that my DH had to spend so much in spite of my father taking care of all the wedding expenses. My MIL wanted to show off, so she had distributed expensive sarees,dhoti-kurta and dresses for the kids in her direct relations, the 2nd circle and 3rd circle of relations, her neighbors, to some poojari in a temple, to some car driver who taught car driving to her other son, gold to all the girl kids in her direct family and the list goes on... my DH is fine with his Mother spending lacks and lacks of money on some people who my husband is not even aware of but he has questions when he needs to spend on me, I need to answer questions even today. You all might be thinking I might have asked for expensive jewelry or a dress or vehicle, no its none of these, its just some grocery, a small hand bag of worth 20$, some provisional stuff and yeah I can't go shopping all by myself. So this is my very 1st reason in not liking my MIL, that she can spend her son's money like hell and no questions asked but its not the same for me.

Now comes the second reason, my MIL's family have a own house, my FIL is retired so he gets pension and therefore their expenses are taken care. They don't need any financial help as such but my MIL's brother's and sister are not financially stable so my MIL wants to be the "money plant" in their house and the source of money is obviously my husband!!! We had a kid immediately after our wedding (we had planning for 3-4 years but mistakes happen you see) and with just one salary it was really difficult to manage. I had some medical complications due to which the insurance had not covered most of the expenses and my DH had to payoff from his pocket, he was in debt due to wedding expenses, along with it we had to prepare for our new arrival and we had to take care of my mom's travel expense for my postpartum we were messed up. With all these coming along, my MIL though she was aware of each and everything, she was shamelessly asking for money to help her relatives who are lazy to work and enjoy the money that my DH sends them. Let me tell you the way she asks - beta, I understand its been hard on you that you have started a family and you are having a unplanned baby so i really don't want to ask any money from you but like always you know your father won't give me a penny and I don't know whom to ask. And my dhaanshoor husband is like - oh no mamma, 50k is not at all a matter for me, I will send you but you spend it on your waste brothers and a show off sister is what bothers me!! The fun part is my DH knows that the money is going for a waste and its not going to come back and he is OK with it.. (you know 50k is not a matter but to buy a 100$ breast pump is a big matter because its of no use after I stop breastfeeding!!). So this is my 2nd reason to hate her. I hate you MIL, I hate you very much.

My IL's had visited us to see our kid and my DH insisted they stay here for 6months which I didn't wanted. I was very weak during my postpartum (I was undergoing psychiatric medicine which my IL's were not aware of and according to my husband if they got to know they would think I have gone mad!! ) and I used to get irritated for every silly thing and somewhere deep inside, my instincts had said its going to be difficult to handle a MIL whom I already don't like! Whenever I felt irritated with her, I stopped speaking to her., I never came out of my room. I was pretending to study, I was pretending to do something. I mean, instead of fighting with her I thought ignoring her was the best thing to me but I never knew that would become a big issue. She one day shouted at my DH saying you wife treats us really bad, dont I have a house, get us tickets tomorrow and we will leave!! This was more than enough for my DH to yell at me and we had real big fight and my DH asked me to get out of the house (though he dint really mean it) but this hurt my ego real bad. The next day I told my DH to book a ticket for me to India and I would go back for good because I was sick and tired of all that was happening . I told him cut and straight that I am anyways very independent if I am in India and I don't have to answer questions to whatever I spend on. I also told him that if you think you are scaring me or my parents I wont give a damn about it because I am anyways not going to stay at my mom's place, I have a degree and I can find a job for myself and stay independently. I don't care whatever happens to our wedding and our little child but for this moment I needed peace of mind. I don't know what really happened to my DH that he went numb, he was like -"I am really sorry to have shouted at you but it was all in rage and I didn't mean any of it " and he asked me not to leave him ever. I felt really bad for my DH, he is a sweet heart but it was all because of this mad lady that we both had had the biggest fight ever! and this is the 3rd reason for my hatred towards my MIL. My hatred MIL, I really really hate you. Yes I do.

Myself and my DH had received some gold coins as gifts from close set of relatives during our wedding which I had left with my MIL. My MIL wanted to show off to her relatives that she bought jewelry to her grandkid and her DIL. She had planned to use the gold coins that we had got on our wedding. I insisted not to buy anything for me as I don't need any of those when I am abroad and that I would buy something for myself when I come to India for my brother's wedding. She was not at all ready to listen to me, she is like no no I have to get it and I will get it. I wanted to have a different kind of jewelry for which there was a little more gold needed (obviously my DH wont approve and I was not keen on answering his questions) so I had planned that after I started working I would put some more money and make a jewelry which I wished to have. But my MIL shelled out all those gold coins to buy jewelry for my kid and me. I was pregnant and I had wished for something from the bottom of my heart but that didn't happen. When I asked her why she had to get me jewelry and that I wanted to buy something of new pattern for my brother's wedding she bluntly tells me that-"don't worry no one will come and see you at your brother's wedding to check if you have repeated any of your old jewelry or if you have had a new or old pattern. I was so damn angry at her that I felt like biting her at that moment!! We had got those gold as our wedding gift and who the hell is she to spend it the way she wishes to? If she was so keen she should have spent her money. From the day my DH has been earning he's been sending her 15k every month and till date no one knows where she's spent them all. My mom also had requested her that if she plans to buy jewelry for me then my mom would also join her to choose, she told my mother that she would call but she didn't even bother to call nor tell my mom that she bought something. This is my 4th reason to hate her. Awww! I can never like you MIL, never...

There are many many many more reasons to dislike her, after leaving from here she's went and told all her relatives that I don't speak, I have attitude and we both have had our disputes when she was here and that my son had scolded me left and right after which I behaved well. Somehow this news has reached my parents and they feel so disheartened about the whole thing. Now I don't call my MIL much and my DH insists that I call her every alternative day and that's such a pain to do so. I mean its so difficult to pretend to speak nicely to someone whom you don't like.
I am visiting India this year and planning to stay for 3 months as my dad could not spend much time with my kid and its my brothers wedding too. Knowing this my MIL has already ordered my DH that if I stay here for 3months then the kid should be at her place for 1.5 months and 1.5months at my parents place! Ewwww! I feel like puking on her face. The sole purpose of staying for so long is for my dad to spend time and she has a problem with that as well. She's also told my DH that she would be getting my kid a gold ring (again show off) and she taunts me that my parents haven't given any expensive stuff for me or my kid after having a baby! Now that my brother's wedding preparations are going on, I think of the jewelry that I planned to buy and the piece of jewelry that my MIL has given me and the bitter fact that I can't buy anything new. This disturbs me so much that its 1am in the night and I am not able to sleep which is why I am venting it out here so that I can at least sleep. I know its a silly reason but its because my MIL was behind all of these that I get worked up.

Off course there are many good things about my MIL but since I don't like her, I do not want to mention them here.

Thanks a lot Indusladies for letting me dump the garbage that I have had in my heart and mind, hopefully I can get some sleep now.

droplet · Jan 18, 2014

A friend of me had this same issue with gold coins... She was very much depressed by her mil's behavior. What she did was she sold out the one given by mil and bought a new one according to her wish. I understand that you will loose some money by doing this. It's better to spend some money here than to have sleepless nights and this affects your health too.

yellowmango · Jan 18, 2014

A very thorough and well structured rant dear!Good for you to get it off your chest.
Hope you have a good time at the wedding.You can exchange the jewelery she bought from your gold coins for a simple piece of jewelery if it gives you peace of mind and makes you feel in control of your life and stuff.
cheers!

silvertulip · Jan 18, 2014

It's good that u vented ur anger for MIL. I hate mine from the every start and till date I hate her the same way after all these 3 years (in fact I am more convinced to hate her seeing her ways and knowing her better with time)!
They are the same insecure type who want to keep the hold over their DS and control their DILs. They feel they have the birth right to do everything as they wish and order their DS and DIL, and DIL has the duty to obey her orders all the time.
Just one advice - be yourself and do what you feel is okay to do. U need be sane for your kid and yourself so don't lose ur sanity for insanity of MIL! Good luck!

oysterzzz · Jan 18, 2014

Think logically. All the gold which you got during your wedding, is because earlier some gold might be gifted by your mil to them. it's the reason you got it back now. so its your mil who has spent money on the gold to gift them and now they gifted you back. At least she gave you the gold back. There r few mils who keep those gifts too. You should be lucky that she's thinking about your kid. It's not only your family but every son sends money to their parents. but sending money to her brothers or sisters is a bit too much. Would you lock yourself in your room if it was your mom? anyway i felt your mil doesnt deserve this much of hatred......look at everything positively. you also have a son.....

tulipzz · Jan 18, 2014

Girl, now that you puked out everything, relax. You need to smarten up a little bit.

1.5 months at MILs house? Go and totally chillax. Say you have headache, backache etc, eat nicely, watch tv but don't do any work. Just feed the baby and give him to mil/fil. After a week of doing your seva, they will indirectly ask you to go. In the meanwhile, when any ILs side relative comes, make the kid wear that jewellery. They will obviously ask abt it, then you nicely say "oh I had some gold coins frm our wedding. So I asked mil to make this jewellery for him. My mil has good taste doesn't she ?" That should do the trick for your mil.

When dh asks you to call, become busy. Say you are cooking, cleaning or you will call later....

HasteRaho · Jan 19, 2014

Those are a lot of things and you're trying your best to deal with them which is wonderful. To give up your freedom to work, earn and spend, move to a country that's so far away from your family and then feel like you're living on the dependency of your husband and that, too, under a microscope would be a difficult situation for anyone.

I think your husband is lucky that you have been as patient as you have. In some ways, if we were to try to find silver linings, I think that you're getting the opportunity to spend time with your child without having to worry having to balance the work life alongside it. However, maybe it's time that you begin sharing how difficult this sort of lifestyle has been for you and your peace of mind. Maybe you can begin thinking about the future (studying further, working, etc) and discussing that with your DH. Heck, maybe for even some of those, if your MIL is in town, then you can plan to take classes or do something that gives you the opportunity to do something that would give some physical distance, simulate your mind and help you learn something different that can be utilized later.

As for the trip of 3 months…maybe you can have your parents mention that they have made plans (travel, it could be a festival celebration or a tradition since it's your first time visit or some temple function) and that it's your opportunity to have a break in the comfort of your own home. That the MIL has been fortunate enough to see you all abroad and if it's possible, they would like to keep you for a majority of those 3 months there (if not the entire 3 months). And (if you're okay with it as opposed to having to go to your IL place alone), then they're welcome to visit you guys in your parents' home if they wish to spend time more so that way both have the chance to be with your son. Maybe you can even discuss this with your DH, and see if he would be willing to come for 2 weeks towards the end? Then during those 2 weeks, you can spend time in IL place with DH alongside of you.

The gold thing is something that still makes me scratch my head. Not your situation per say but the fact that it seems to be an incredibly sensitive topic with Indians (I have spent all my life abroad and always seen/heard it cause issues). My relationship with my MIL has bettered since my initial interactions with her post marriage but yes, there are 1 or 2 things that have happened which surprised me and disappointed me, too. For instance, nearly all the gifts that were given to DH and me during marriage (especially the gold stuff) was transferred promptly to her locker. There were plenty of jewelry items that were less expensive which were kept as well. My initial thought on this was that maybe she's doing this as safekeeping to make sure nothing gets lost/stolen.

However, here's the thing. She tried to have me sit down and show me the inexpensive stuff only and said that I could wear those/bring those with me - she'll also go to her bank locker and bring 1-2 gold items out so that I can wear them while I'm there visiting them (but it's clear that I am not able to take them with me). As much as I'd like to think it's about security, I feel like she doesn't trust me as DIL or she had some doubt about marriage that will only be dealt with over time. I literally have not seen the actual valuable pieces since my marriage gifting ceremony with the exception of two bangles that she had gifted me which she only brings out of her bank locker when I'm in town so I can wear them (but not take them with me).

She does this each time I have visited India. Each time, but because I'm not okay with the principle of gifting someone something and then A) not letting them keep it, B) only having wear it with someone else's access in someone else's home is also not okay because then it feels like "it's loaned" to me. Personally, I don't really like the designs of most of them myself. So each time she's tried to insist that I accept/wear/take items that only she has deemed acceptable, I politely and firmly said "no thank you and it's best if you keep everything here as I will not wear these". In my mind, I am thinking she must either give it all or give none with open mind and test. To this day, I refuse to wear or take anything with me that isn't given with open heart/mind and it does hurt to know that she initiated this the way that she did so early in my marriage. BTW, She was completely surprised by my response, and she has tried to gift some other small pieces since, but again, I just accept them graceful and keep them aside. She also insisted that my DH buy me something but I said "it's okay, I'd rather save up for a nice vacation to make memories or a house than purchase these items".

Fortunately, I am able a well earning woman and nor am I greedy so I'm not attached nor do I care if I ever see or attain those jewelry pieces. I don't really care as much about these sort of materialistic items so honestly, I'm okay so long as she treats me well on other accounts (which she has). If I really want these things for myself later on, I'll work, save up and purchase them to my liking myself. Who knows, since our relationship seems to have improved since my last visit to India, maybe this upcoming visit might be different but I'm not betting on it!

I also liked the suggestions that some of the other posters here gave because it's interesting to see how they would have dealt with that situation. It's also good that you have the jewelry with you at hand to do with as you please. So consider that a blessing in disguise and an opportunity to get something you truly like and will wear

Good luck!

renualways · Jan 19, 2014

Relax dear....life is all with ups n down...just concentrate on baby..spend more time with the baby...

ALL THE BEST

daydreamgirl · Jan 19, 2014

Droplet,
I have felt the same many a times, I have been thinking to get it exchanged with someother jewelry that I like but I am very sure that my DH will never accept it. He would say - 'my mom got it for you with so much love and if you exchange, you will have disrespected her and it will hurt her' and trust me I can't bare such statements. Also, she will get another opportunity to bitch about me to all her relatives.

Yellowmango,
Thanks dear, I tell you such forms are life savers. I am so much in love with this forum and all you ladies who take time out of your busy schedules to console so many disappointed hearts here.

silvertulip,
I think I can understand your thoughts. You know when it comes to showing off.. she wants to be the best. Frankly speaking, she is all old fashioned types, you should see the saree that she had given me on my engagement as part of some custom. My DH says its a very expensive saree but when I wear it, I look like a banyan tree.. full green it is with some old fashioned design. When I gave my sincere opinion about the saree to my DH he went and told of his mother and when she had visited us she was indirectly hinting me that - it was the best saree that she picked me, the shop keeper said 4-5 pieces of saree has been sold out in just a day blah blah blah.. I was like - Oh yes its a wonderful saree except that it doesn't suit me. She had chosen a bangle for me (as a gift from my DH on my birthday after our engagement) and you wont believe me, my granny has almost the same pattern of bangle when she gave it to me she says - whoever were around her while she was purchasing this bangle they were all impressed by it and a couple of them gave an order for the same! and I believed her.

oysterzzz,
You are absolutely right, I got the gold coins because she had gifted it to them before but you know, I never considered them as my MIL's return gift to us!! I have been sending gifts to all those who have gifted me. There is one girl who recently got married and I have sent her a gold coin through my parents and I bared all the expenses, never asked my DH a penny (It was from my PF savings back in India). I don't want my MIL to think that its her share or whatever. I don't keep anybody's ehsaan or someone elses gift just for the heck of it! I am absolutely fine if my DH sends money to his parents and his parents uses it for their needs but I am not at all happy with she spending all that money on buying TV for her sister, taking her brother's family on a tour and giving expensive gifts to her friends housewarming ceremonies, wedding anniversaries (though they don't care a damn about her). You know, its been 2 years and we have an year old son but we do not have a rupee of saving, not even in my sons name. Won't that hurt? She borrows money to help her relatives and my DH is of a kind who can never say no to his mother and he lends her how much ever she asks for and none of them has ever come back! I do belong to a middle class family and I know what a financial struggle is. When you have money everyone is your friend but when you don't have any money no one would even want to talk to you. My DH takes care of one of his cousin sisters education for the past 2 years, he sends a lack every year as part of her college fee (as her dad went on a loss in business they can't afford her fee). Even though they were in loss they got their daughter a mangement seat with the confidence that my MIL would give them money. I would never object my DH on helping someone for their education but none of those money will ever come back and my DH does not earn in millions of dollars? they are also expecting my DH to take care of that girls wedding. My DH is married, he has a kid too and we got to look after ourselves as well and today to whomever my DH has helped none of them will ever help us when we are in need nor they are thankful for what my DH has done, even today they feel that my DH is in abroad and he does not have issue with money so why can't he help us (instead of they working hard and finding jobs). You know what my MIL's problem is? She thinks her son is in abroad which means he earns millions of dollars and therefore she can distribute money to whoever she wishes to so that everybody praises her and that she can become godmother or goddess laxmi!!

Yes, I do have a son but I do have some basic senses and I understand the fact that myself and my would be DIL belong to two different generations so I should be giving her all the liberty to live her life the way she has always wished (That's how my mother is with my SIL, my mom knows me and she understands what girls of this generation expect). May be its easy said than done but I have learn't lessons from my MIL on how I may have to be in future.
Every parents think that their kids should be well settled in life and have a better life than them but my MIL does not understand it. Every girl or may be just me, expect to have a better life after marriage, a stable one and it hurts when you can't see it happening and people around you think that - 'oh you are so lucky, you have a husband staying in abroad, you will also be working soon so double dhamaka, you are all set to be rich'. I don't dream of being rich but I do dream of living a hassle free life with not much struggle for money, I don't want my son to feel it. Even today if I have to buy something small I have to think twice and I dont want my son to go through what I have gone through all my life.
Anyways thanks for you advice, I do agree I am wrong on being so harsh on my feeling towards my MIL but may be that's how I am. I do want to change but its totally out of my normal self.

tulipzz,
Hehe, those were clever tips, may be I shall try them. My mil had got a chain for my son that when he wears it, he gets rashes on his neck (its that thick! It can be better worn by an adult than a few months old kid). Poor thing it didn't even know then to say or knew how to itch, he went on crying a whole night. It was only in the morning that I realized it was because of the chain! When she got to know about this episode she tells me, we think of future use also. It should not go waste once he out grows it and things like that.

Hey HasteRaho,
Nice name by the way.., with MIL's like this its difficult though to keep smiling.
Thanks for the options that you have suggested. My DH expects me to go to my IL's place and stay though both my IL's and parents live in the same city. I really really don't want to stay at their place but I don't have a say. So like you've said I am planning to join some yoga classes, meditation classes, gym so that I can get some time out for myself. She's already started telling my DH about how good her neighbors DIL's are. They go with their MIL's for walking, take very good care of their IL's and not complain about anything and my poor DH tells those to me which I would obviously ignore. I have had a friend who's MIL is just like yours, she also wants the jewels to be monitored by her and my friend gets so furious about it that out of frustration she says one day when her MIL gives it to her to wear she would sell them all and take the money. Can you believe, this MIL character can be so much of a pain in some of the girls life? or should I say most of the girls?
Oh! ask me... I am so damn eagerly waiting for that day when I can earn my penny. Before I got married, a good close friend of mine told me to have some of my savings money along with me (converted to the required currecy) when I come here. I never understood why she ever said so, but now I realize what she actually meant. I regret to have not done what she had asked me to.

renualways,
Thanks dear, I am trying my best.
As you said, my son is my little angel who keeps me occupied so I don't get to sit and think much in the day.

Thanks again ILites, you guys are awesome.

mybaby1 · Jan 19, 2014

What I hv read in your posts dear I think you should take steps to get your husband on the right path. Gradually you can do that .One thing I will like to tell you which I had experienced is there is no use of telling or making understand our inlaws. They will take it as we are lying or making up stuffs coz their dear son is not saying anything. Try and convince or teach /try show him the reality.It may take time but it will happen. Try to show him what others do for their kids and as you mentioned you has to think for your kid. here the root cause is your DH, if he is not giving/limiting money, MIL can not do anything. Try to bring it to him that he is being exploited.

Be firm as you must have noticed yourself the incident you mentioned wherein you told your husband that you will move out , the way he reciprocated. so somewhere you are lacking too.
Believe me you can change it to some extent not completely though.
I know you are just venting but thought of suggesting you. may be it helps.