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I find SIL's behaviour strange or am I just insecure?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nithya001, Nov 23, 2010.

  1. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Ladies, thanks all who replied to my previous post. I am trying to cope with my depression. Thank you for your support.

    I have a question regarding my SIL. She is 33 years old nad been married for a long time,9 years. I got married only 4 years back. My husband is very fond of her and he shows it to me openly how important she is to him. I do not have problems with him giving her importance but something in the way they interact with each other makes me very uncomfortable. Like a few days after we got married she started crying for some reason and my husband told me it is because I was there. I was really shocked did not know what to say. She is very emotionally demanding towards my husband and he reciprocates also in a manner that makes me uncomfortable.
    Recently we were visiting her and when we were shopping in a mall she was walking holding my husband's hand(her DH was also there). I felt a little awkward as I was walking alone behind them. Also they were eating from each other's plate and she even put morsels of food in my husbands mouth. Now I don;t want to sound perverted but I felt really uncomfortable by this behaviour. My husband and SIL interact as if they are a couple, that is what I felt. Is this normal? Or am I being too insecure? I feel very hurt when they do such things in front of me. I understand brothers and sisters can be close, but after an age and married shouldn't they be restricting their affection to words and not actions?

    I never spoke of this to my husband but it disturbs me.
     
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  2. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    yes you are right...affection should be restricted to words nd not action...no need to feel insecure...but i think u need to find some way to stop this wierd behavior in a indirect manner. Maybe u can keep her busy in some other activity wen u guys visit or wen she comes over.

    It is also possible that they just have not grown out of their childish ways of showing affection for each other. So make sure u don't confront ur dh on this.
     
  3. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response Parvati. I was wondering if something is wrong in the way I perceive their behaviour. I got a little upset this time since I could not stand it but did not tell my husband the reason was this. I feel if I ask him why do they act like this he may take offence. But I want to make him realize that it is not proper behavior especially when I am around. Is there any good way of conveying this to my husband without making him feel that I am accusing him of wierdness?
    My SIL had just had a baby so I can't take it that she is taking so ong to grow out of her childish ways and my husband is 35 years old. Both are old enough that is why I find it more awkward.
     
  4. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel that there should be a limit to everything in life.Brother & sis affection is normal but I feel this is way too much.

    In our families , we are taught to keep a distance with brothers(blood reln also) and cousin brothers after a certain age.This is not out of any filthy thoughts in anyone's mind but just to be precautios and also since it will not look appropriate in front of others.

    This is crazy.Didn't she get married?:rant

    I think your hubby and his sis needs a reality check.Let them know that "paasamalar" can be only in movies.In real life they need to be practical and concentrate on their lives and families to have harmony in both which should be used to bring happiness in the family and not any heartburn.
     
  5. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Bhuvanidhi, I felt very bad too at that time and still when remember it I go insane with rage. I was newly married at that time so did not say anything, but I wish I had asked my husband then and there what did he mean by this. Sometimes I feel like asking him now after 4 years, but feel that he will accuse me of digging up skeletons. But all this hurts me everytime. I don't understand what's best to just suck it up or to confront him and resolve these things I have in mind. I have other issues too in my marriage which I have posted in this forum. So I do not know whether its worth raking up this issue. But deep within I feel a need to talk about it to my husband and explain to him how insensitive he has been to me. Just don't know a good way of doing it.
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    It sounds absolutely bizarre. A grown brother/sister holding hands, sharing plate of food, feeding each other...... is weird. I'm not saying they have any romantic feelings towards each other, I'm just saying they have a weird way of displaying their "sibling love". Personally I would feel uncomfortable if my dh did this with his sister. My dh and his sister have a good relationship, but I'm pretty sure neither of them would ever hold hands and feed each other like that. It's just not a very decent way to behave out in public.
     
  7. anukris

    anukris Bronze IL'ite

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    I don't find this bizarre, Nithya. I do think its okay, my husband has an older sister whom he is very close with. They share from each other's plate, they sleep on each others lap, they hug each other. Its only because they have grown up together, since birth, and my husband looks at his sister like his mother. If he had a younger sister, he would look at her like his daughter. A brother- sister relationship is a sacred bond, don't pollute it with bad thoughts!
    We all grow up in different ways with our siblings, but that does not mean that this is in any way wrong. I do think you are being insecure.
    That said, your SIL is being even more insecure, because of the way she behaved when she was crying. That you have to understand and let your husband realize.
     
  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Crying is OK I think because when i am very low I call my sister and cry and i would think i would have done the same with brother. But holding hands and eating off each others plates sounds really weird. Maybe because I havent seen anyone doing this I am finding this weird. I could be completely wrong.

    How was their childhood though? Sometimes, as children if they have gone through some trauma together, they get very attached; like death of a close family member, divorce between parents would leave siblings no one but each other to rely/lean on. Could it be this?
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    It's purly depends on the how they raised by there mother.If there mother raised them with close bonding and also depends on there own personality.

    Here is the thing,your husband is comfortable and your SIL is comfortable and your SIL is comfortable then why don't you just ignore.

    I can't say it's right or wrong,because each person is different and there characterstics are different and there growing environment was different.

    It's better you IGNORE it because if your SIL husband didn't have any problem with it then why do you want to worry about it.
     
  10. Naksh

    Naksh Platinum IL'ite

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    It IS normal. I am not sure about the insecurity part - insecurity arises only when he is not caring towards you when you both are alone - if that is the case -then I am sorry.

    About the bolded part - I find that reasoning not very reasonable. pls, know that not everybody is brought up with similar principles n ideologies.

    Comming to the last line - pls do not speak to him about this. There is a fair chance it could get ugly n drive him away , instead think along the lines of whys and whats betweeen you too.
     

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