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I Feel Lost In This Home

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Sep 3, 2024.

  1. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kenny,

    I feel you should move out from this relationship. My reasons are:

    1. Today your daughter is a kid, but when she grows up she will not have any trust in marriage.
    2. Happy soul creates a positive atmosphere, here I feel you are continuously unhappy. Resulting your near and dear ones will also be unhappy.
    3. Moving out from a toxic relationship I think will help you in personal and professional growth.
    4. Also it will help you in exploring new aspects of life and maybe the burden of fake relationship is far more heavy and draining.
     
  2. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    It's not that simple to move out.My parents will blame themselves for moving here.Both had serious health issues because of which I shifted them here . This stress will drive them crazy.
    Life was going fine 2 months back.Just because I have taken this step without my husband's approval he is showing this attitude. Unfortunately he has a wicked mom who plays games so rather than suggesting to make peace at home she is enjoying that he is on her side.
    I'm just waiting to see how long it goes like this.I have not done any crime the way they are behaving.
    He has been a good father and I don't want my daughter to go through all this..
    I am stressed and confused.
    Don't know how to work out.Few friends suggest to hang in there,things will turn around.I don't know how I can make things work.Any one else has any other suggestion?
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Don’t prolong the conversations about the move. It’s a done deal. What do tantrum throwing toddlers do when their tantrums get attention? They go at it even more.

    To this, don’t pile on emotions like your wasted 16 years and your toxic MIL. Those are all messing with your mind.

    It’s very difficult to stay calm when one person is throwing a tantrum and the other adult in the house is massaging his ego. Thats probably what is irking you too. But understand that you can only control your reaction. If you react or talk about it, that’s when it will escalate. The more attention you give to these snubs is when it will give both of them more power. Take back that power!
    Go about your life as ordinary. Do whatever you do but spend time with your parents. Don’t be in a constant state of walking on egg shells. The sooner you get out of the mentality that their behavior is impacting you the sooner it will stop. Even if your husband talks about trust breakage, just ignore it. Walk away. Don’t give fodder to these things. He’s just trying to get self importance. Don’t. The more you justify the more you will prolong this.
    Make peace with the fact that he won’t ever do what you expect when it comes to your parents. Expectation will only hurt you more. You don’t have to be the ideal DIL but also don’t make it a tit for tat sort of situation. Do what you think is possible for you. Don’t let them guilt you into servitude just because you chose to be a daughter also along with a wife and dil.

    You cannot control anyone’s actions but you can control yours. If you go about your normal life, take care of your parents and daughter and find fulfillment in your life, without depending on your marriage for it. Your husband should complement you not complete you or make you happy. Once you take change of your own reactions and happiness these things won’t pinch so much. That’s when things will improve as well.

    I sincerely hope you find peace and happiness. It’s sad that in this day and age women are having to go through this. The only way out is for us to stay strong and show our resilience. That’s going to help us in the long run.
     
  4. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi @Laks09,
    Thank you,your post really makes sence.I can relate to whatever you said .I am trying my best to keep myself away from the drama but at heart i feel chocked up.
    Actually he has a big ego and is unaffected by any emotions.I know my reaction is what they are waiting for.All his emotional needs are met by his mom who acts more like his wife and manipulates all the more.
    I am not giving any importance to him but he has completely started giving a cold shoulder to me.Would not tell me anything about his work ,neither would ask me anything.The only person i have with me is my daughter .I dont like to tell everything to my parents as i dont wana give them stress at this age.
    I am thinking how long will things go on like this.....which is disturbing ,a very negative environment at home.
    i feel good when i go meet my parents ,so i do meet them daily with my daughter.
    i was thinking of may be speaking to him and asking clearly what he wants in life and how long he plans to behave like this.....but your reply makes me contemplate whether its a wise thing to do.
     
  5. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    OP all this stress will push you to lifetime resentment and severe depression. Please do marriage counselling with your husband asap. He must understand your situation. If he doesn't agree you give him ultimatum that you will move to your parents house. Please don't suffer in silence. I went through similar situation few years back and now I have permanent resentment about my husband. I want divorce from him but he doesn't want. Now my kids are grown up. Because of prolong suffering I ruined my mental and physical health. Now looking back I feel why I didn't I take action that time, why did I suffer, why did I tolerate. You must convey your feeling to his husband.
     
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I agree. When two people are morose and upset it brings the positivity down. Especially when mil is there to instigate.

    Only you know your spouse. Will this escalate the situation or bring about some sort of a compromise is something we can’t predict.

    It’s hard to be in this situation. Hugs to you. The positive of being in India is having avenues like friends, neighbors and now parents to keep you going. You can’t control what the two of them do but you have control over your reactions. If you do have the discussion and still don’t see a change, have some sort of a plan B. Maybe try to be happy in other things. From what little I know, when people want to be passive aggressive, they also want you to be unhappy. They want their behavior to affect you. When it doesn’t, it really makes no sense to continue moping over respect.

    Hang in there. Keep us posted.
     
    joylokhi likes this.
  7. Richa_05

    Richa_05 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Just my two cents. We all come alone and have to leave alone. In between what we do, is our karma. We are judged only by our karma, nothing else. So, as long as your intention is pure and your conviction strong, you need to believe in every step that you take for yourself and all those depending on you. Rest leave it on this Universe. Time is the decider and in Time, everything unfolds, gets revealed by and by. So, live every moment as if there is no tomorrow and without regret. Take care.
     
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Here I tend to agree. Many issues gets solved or "cured" with passage of time. What was treated or considered burden is nothing when another huge burden is confronted. While working often we felt it when for our work our ears were still wet behind . We get to know as we mature which quarrel to pick up and which one worth the fight.
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hi all,
    Thanks for your reply..It was going cold only at home with husband but i was the one trying to start any conversation and he was avoiding .So i kept it going.Now yesterday night he suddenly asks what is going on?
    I was like,you are the one who is having problems with me so you say what you want.He sticks to the same thing that you have broken my trust after so many year ,now i feel i cant trust you at all.He says all this while i was trying to balance out both of you but now obvioulsy i will take my moms side..
    He said that his mom had already told him that this will happen (meaning i will make my parents settle here)and it did so he said he was speechless infront of his mom.I feel what is it that i have broken?He knew all this while that they had to come and just the dates i told my brother to do as per his convenience .
    Now he has all negativity for my family and me.His mom says that my parents never invited her to their home but cane twice a year.The truth is that they used to come as a stopover for 2 days when they had to travel from overseas and came to my city as a halt and go furher.That time also they had swollen faces infront of them.
    The point is that he will act a victim always saying my trust is broken and that he doesnt know how to go further etc..He said he is still here only for his daughter .
    i am just sick and tired..There is no end to discussion and everything is wrong at my end only.
    Too much..
    i feel suffocted...and to top it all..he would says i am not feeling well..my head is paining and i am feeling giddy etc...as if i am having the time of my life...i couldnt sleep the whole night and having a bad headache.
    LIFE SUCKS!
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Just hang in there. If it is too stressful, find alternative ways to relax.
    I usually go to gym, or yoga classes and spend extra hours with new mates there. After office, spending sometimes away from home makes me totally forget the issues at home. But as a married woman with a child, you can't always stay away from family. Eventually, you will have to return to home. But make sure, you spend quality time with your DD, or take her out for shopping, dinner etc to avoid meeting toxic people at home.
    If nothing works, watch TV or play with your phone and make sure your brain is busy. Else, unwanted thoughts. confusions and more importantly self pity will kill you.

    Psychology says it takes 21 days to forget whatsoever is nagging you. If you could manage this 21 days mark without further disturbing your mind, I believe it will settle down. So, stop thinking about this matter.

    It is none of your fault. Unless you steal from your H to settle your parents in town.
    Your parents are adults and they chose where they want to reside- Not your mistake
    Your brother and yourself support their decision as children - The right thing to do
    Your in laws are upset about this change - It happens, and they are being bad in laws
    Your husband is unhappy and showing faces/criticizing you - It is his inability to stand up against his parents; hence he is showing his anger on an easy target/you.

    You don't have to receive anything here. Just move on, and feel pity for others 'inabilities and insecurities.
     
    radar30062 likes this.

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