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I feel cheated

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by geekerala, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. geekerala

    geekerala New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am married for three months. I am an software engineer and was working for 2 yrs in very good IT corporation before marriage. My husband was also working for a good IT firm. Now he wants to leave his job and go to his home to start a business. Before marriage he dint tell me anything and said that he is ok with my job also. But after 10 days of marriade he told me about his plan. When i resisted he allowed me to work for one year. Since i had moved to new place i had to quit my current job and search another. When i resigned from my current job, he told me that he is not going to wait for one year and going after one month. In his home town he has a joint family of four people. I feel cheated that he dint tell me anything even when i asked him that i want to continue working.His home town is a small town and i cant find any suitable job for me. He has ruined his as well as my career. Whenever i question him he says that he can leave me but not his family. I am so very angry that why he dint tell me about all his plan before marriage and my importance in his life. If he was ready to leave me then why he married me.

    Everyone tells me to adjust with the situation but i feel very cheated. Please suggest me what to do.

    Thanks,
    Geekerala.
     
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  2. ganges

    ganges Gold IL'ite

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    hi gee kerala,

    welcome to Indus. Its sad to know your position. Why you quit the job for searching another one. You could have joined the new one and then quit the old. right. Is yours an arranged marriage. If so what is your parents support for you in this. At any cost dont give up your job and go. Be bold and brave in convey your message to your husband. Before that talk to your parents and siblings about your issues.



    ganges
     
  3. geekerala

    geekerala New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Yes mine was an arranged marraige. My mother knows about all this and she is in support with me but since situation is like if i will say no to go to his home town he is ready to leave me so my mom is saying try to adjust and if cannot then we are here. Actually my previous job was is pune and now i m in kerala so i had to leave the job.
    Its very hard to believe that this was not his pre panning thats why i have anger to the core.
    Many people suggest that after marraige u have to adjust but i am not sure with this lie how will i be able to do all this.. I am under very much mental troma.
    Please advice.

    Thanks.
     
  4. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    May be you can try getting job in Info Park in Cochin since you are from IT field??
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    This is the strategy for most of the families, some mothers feel ultimate fear of loosing their son... as soon as son and DIL enter their rooms for the first night. Their expectations change at drop of a hat & DILs have no right to even feel cheated...

    I read you dont have any job as of now, hence if you're not too career oriented and like this fellow even 50% then go ahead with his plans of living in his city...
    You can solace yourself.. this would have been the option if it was a slowdown phase & both of you lost jobs.

    If you're career oriented and can bear outcomes of separation then go ahead & find a job if not already. Keeping in mind that if you plan to remarry you'll have lesser options to select from & also those will have no guarantee.

    Whatever the case may be take ultimate precautions to not to get preggo by any chance... a lot of decisions are at stake. A colleague of mine faced same and is single parenting and working.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    gee kerala,

    Find a job in the city which you are currently and tell your husband, settle him in his business and if he get successful then you can think about moving with him until then you want to stick to you job .Then eventually decide what you wanted to do.
     
  7. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    GeeKerela,

    I empathize with you. Given the fact that he told you about his decision just 10 days after your wedding, it is very clear he actually took this decision long BEFORE the wedding and didn't disclose it to you before the wedding. He clearly hasn't been honest with you and you have every right to feel cheated.

    I would really advise you to use this opportunity to set expectations right with your husband. If you sit quiet and adjust this time, rest assured he is going to continue imposing his decisions on you without discussing anything with you, the same way that he has handled this matter in discussion. I would suggest you be firm and make it very clear to him that you cannot follow him to his hometown as you won't be able to find any suitable job for yourself. Stress to him that your career is also EQUALLY important and start trying for jobs back in Pune or some other city comfortable to you. The issue here isn't so much about the job/career itself but rather the way he is handling this important decision - taking you for granted and giving you no say in these matters. As his wedded wife, you have equal say in this, so FIGHT for your rights. Today, its your husband ordering you, tomorrow his parents might decide something and just expect you to tag along. I tell you that you absolutely have to make things clear right from day 1, otherwise people are just going to walk over you reducing you to a voiceless victim. You are still in the early days of your marriage, so set the expectation clear right away.

    On a side note, men may easily bring up the option of seperation, etc but I doubt many actually have the guts to do so. So, be bold and speak your mind. Be firm. Good luck.

    Divs
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2010
  8. Akkinenirockz

    Akkinenirockz Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel your parents and his parents should talk each other ! Let them know that if both leave the jobs and depend on newly entered bussiness, which might not be secured.Try to convyence everybody that one should be in job for future prospective.

    If you take this as cheated rather a miscomminication between the families, then you have to wait at least 1yr to be seperated.

    My advise is do not the break the marriage as it is arranged, try get involved elders.

    All the best !
     
  9. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband is clearly at fault for not informing you about his plans brfore marriage. But dont just think about separation staright away. First try all possible options and even then if things dont work out, then you can start thinnking about it.

    I agree with Akkinenirockz. You should talk to both sets of parents and inform them about the miscommunication and that you would like to continue to work. But before that make a list of the advantages of you working, financial security, extra income, etc and then talk to them.

    Cochin has some IT companies. You can start by applying for those companies. Might not be as good as your previous company, but atleast youw ill not have a gap in your career.

    -Lakshmi
     
  10. pathak2610

    pathak2610 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi there.

    I think u r in a v.tight spot. No newly wed bride want to think of spoiling her marriage for career. but what they have done to u is really unfair & u are bound to feel cheated.
    also, if u "adjust" now & save ur marriage, u will never be happy and always have this grudge agains ur inlaws and husband.

    I would suggest, be bold. go back and take a job. go on the pretence of visiting ur parents & quickly get a job & stay stuck. say this is to support our marriage & till u set up ur business.
    believe me - after few months maybe a yr he will realize that he was foolish in thinking he can give up a good job & set up business (retired life) in kerela. and he will come back and join you. also he might even be thankful that u were already in the job while he was struggling and failing with his buisness plan.

    Also, tell him this setting up business is a retirement option.

    Please dont stay there - u will both end up ruiing ur career.

    also, u r in IT, ur career cannot get spoiled in 3 months. go Back to a main town & get a proper job ASAP. use ur old friends and contacts.
    just go visit ur parents & dont come back till u get a job & even then dont go back. Say one of us has to earn.
     

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