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I Dunno If My Dad Is Joking Or Serious When He Says Action Speak Better Than Words I.e I Don't Care

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ChennaiExpress, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I tend to be very absent minded and forgetful


    And if I need to tell Dad something important, I think it is too early to tell him

    For instance, my Dad goes for small walk after I return from work. It's the only exercise he is comfortable with till we get a recumbant bike

    Today was Winter storm in March. I kept thinking all the way home from work I need to tell Dad to wear BIG COAT when going out.

    I ended up telling Dad when he was nearly out the door.

    Dad got upset that I didn't tell him sooner because it is hard for him to wear sweater, coat, hat.

    Then he said he will go out

    Five minutes later he returns and changes into big coat then leaves

    Five minutes later he calls and says come to door with his gloves because he forgot to take gloves

    Now he came home and asked to bring his medication. Instead I was distracted and bought pillows for his feet. Then I told Dad I got distracted, and bought the medication.

    Then Dad said "action speaks louder than words". He is saying that I say I want him to be alive and healthy, but my action prevents him from going outside to get whatever little exercise he can get.

    I suppose there is some truth to this.

    If I truly cared, I could have had presence of mind and prevented 80% of the health problems he is suffering with.

    And if I truly cared, I wouldn't have married my now ex knowing there were uncomfortable flags everywhere (I didn't realize these were red flags. I guess I'm so used to people ignoring me, I thought this was normal behavior)

    Only I started to love and appreciate my Dad in last few years. Plus I realize without him my Mom would have (and still can) make my life a nightmare.

    But sometimes I get a feeling if my ex wasn't nasty and disrespectful to Dad, and if it was never discovered that my ex visited prostitutes (thereby carrying lot of latent diseases), 100% my Dad would have blamed the crumbling of the marriage on me.

    I guess there are still some inner, subconscious things I need to work out.

    And I'm no Hero for wanting to study medicine (studying Khan Academy, Coursera in free time, will dive deeper once full-time job is secure) to help Dad. My boss says he doesn't want Heros to fix a problem at last moment --- it is usually the Heros who could have prevented it in the first place.
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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  3. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op
    What's the use of having all these thoughts.
    You are doing great and working hard. Cut yourself some slack dear. Sometimes we get so hard on ourselves and don't even realise this. You don't have to hard on yourself. You are doing just fine.
    Your past , is gone. You did pretty well to accept your then husband and when the decision turned a nightmare you kicked him out.
    Most of the girls don't even have the guts to recognize that there is a problem.
    So give yourself a pat on the back and remember not everything is connected to your past. Believe that you are just a normal human with some imperfection , which is ok. There is nothing wrong with you. Just believe in yourself for a second.
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    You are doing more than what an average daughter does for her parents ! So don’t feel guilty . Your dad is in pain , so whatever he says may be out of frustration.
    You need to move on from your past, however painful. Your ex husband doesn’t deserve a second of your time , a single word of your poem or even a fraction of your thoughts.
    Being a caretaker to a family member can take a toll on you , so focus on yourself as well.Your innocence is refreshing but be confident about yourself and don’t crowd your mind with a million doubts. Please take care .
     
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  5. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I too have that kind of ignorant behaviour and my kids fall sick and suffered a lot due to this. I felt guilty but then my h said its OK to be like this as no one can be so careful. Also you love your kids and never want bad for them. Even if they were sick it was me who spend restless days and sleepless nights for them. So that made me forget myself to some extent. Still feel that want to be more conscious and alert.
     
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  6. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I too have that kind of ignorant behaviour and my kids fall sick and suffered a lot due to this. I felt guilty but then my h said its OK to be like this as no one can be so careful. Also you love your kids and never want bad for them. Even if they were sick it was me who spend restless days and sleepless nights for them. So that made me forget myself to some extent. Still feel that want to be more conscious and alert.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Seriously girl,you need to stop overthinking every small word or action. It will drive you crazy.

    No...your dad did not mean what you think he means and you could not have prevented his health problems because you are not God or a gifted healer.

    Your dad has problems like most older people have. They may have different sets of problems but people have problems . Some come with age,some just chance . You are not responsible for any of those problems . You just have to deal with them .

    You are a very caring and loving daughter who is extremely concerned for her dad . Your dad is lucky to have you in your life.

    You forgot to remind about coat or got cushions....these are things that happen to everyone . Just smile and get it. Your smile will do both you and your dad a world of good. Don't ponder over every action or word. That is called,not living in the present .
    Stop wasting your time thinking about that ex of yours. He has wasted enough of your life. He is gone. Now what you are doing to yourself is self abuse. Get some therapy if you have to ,but get him out of your life .

    A parents biggest happiness is to see their child happy. It makes them forget their pain for sometime.
    The best thing you can do for your dad is to stop worrying and start enjoying life.

    Go out with him. Take him for a movie or dinner. Try to enjoy .

    Good luck girl .:thumbup:
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2018
  8. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    @ChennaiExpress

    In none of your threads, I have seen any mention about your mother. Tell briefly about your mother. Where is she ?
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    CE
    Do you have a picture of your ex?
    Draw a picture of him and set it on fire. Set him and yourself free.
    Get some closure.

    Hugs to you.
    :beer-toast1:
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CE,
    "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."

    My favorite line from a favorite poem. Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2018
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